Years and Memories
by srp2017
Summary: Sequel to Five Years Later. Mike must deal with an serious illness within his own family.
1. Chapter 1

This is the sequel to "Five Years Later," it does start off pretty sadly but it will get better! You will want to have read "Five Years Later" first. Please enjoy and review.

 **Years and Memories**

Chapter 1

It had been three years since Grace, Ryan and Mikey had moved back home. Ryan had redeployed, Mikey was a busy three year old and Grace and Ryan had a four month old daughter, Hope. They had bought a small cottage in town that was just right for their small family. Ryan was back in Ireland and was still in Intelligence. Grace had opted not to go with him due to how young the kids were. It created a lot of hardships because she hated being apart from her husband and Mikey especially missed his daddy.

Hannah had moved into the apartment that Grace and Ryan vacated. She was student teaching and working at Maggie's restaurant. She had suddenly broke off her engagement to Sam, and refused to tell anyone why. Sam didn't even know why and was pretty broken up by it. She had even distanced herself from her family, not returning calls and Maggie couldn't get a read on what was wrong with her. Hannah still worked all of her shifts but didn't talk about what was going on. Mike and Polly were at a complete loss. Maggie had told Polly that Hannah didn't look well but didn't seem to be running a fever.

Hannah had stopped showing up for family dinners, church and any of the kid's events. Gabby, Tommy and Rebecca were completely heartbroken by her sudden distance and Matty and Max were angry at her. Mike had tried repeatedly to call her and had even showed up at her apartment. The door was locked and Hannah didn't answer it. Her car was there but the lock was changed and Maggie didn't have the new key.

It was really strange behavior for Hannah. She was in most ways, the heart and soul of their family. Her generosity, personality and just day to day presence were missed by every member, especially Mike. He had tried to figure out if he had done something to upset her that would cause her to distance herself so completely from her entire family, her fiancée and her friends. He still felt his relationship was delicate with Hannah and blamed himself for her distance.

Mike and Polly hadn't seen Hannah in over a month and hadn't talked to her in as long. The only member of the family that had had any contact with her was Maggie and she couldn't figure out what was going on. Mike had showed up at the restaurant one evening when Hannah was working but she made the busboy wait on him and didn't stop long enough to talk to Mike. He had noticed that she seemed to be in pain and was incredibly pale. All that Mike could fixate on was that she might be ill and he was terrified of losing her.

Maggie had noticed that Hannah seemed to be making a lot of trips to the nearby city and was drinking water constantly. Her long, dark hair was also falling out by the handfuls. She also seemed more despondent. For such a happy, upbeat person, it scared everyone who knew her.

Alec was patrolling and noticed a Ford Mustang that looked like Hannah's parked next to the road. The door was halfway open and he immediately stopped. He ran the license plate number but didn't wait to hear the return over the radio before he got out of the patrol car. He walked around the car and noticed that no one was inside. He was about to call it in to get an additional deputy there when he heard someone vomiting on the other side of the car. He walked around the car to see if he could be of any assistance when the girl in question rose up, just enough that Alec realized that it was Hannah. He immediately knelt down beside her and pulled her hair out of the way. He ended up with a handful of the hair which immediately scared him.

"Hannah, what's going on?"

"I'm fine."

"Throwing up next to the highway is no one's definition of fine. Do you need an ambulance? You look like death warmed over."

"Thank you for the compliment. An ambulance can't help with this."

"What exactly is this?"

"You can't tell my mom or dad, or Maggie. No one."

"What?"

"I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia six weeks ago. No one knows."

"Oh my God. How bad?"

"It isn't good."

"Why haven't you said anything to anyone? You need help."

"The doctor has only given me six months and so I pulled away from everyone I love. I figured it would be easier for them."

"Why are you telling me now?"

"Because you won't leave me alone until I told you. I'm just counting on you not saying anything to anyone. My family has lost enough."

"Even if you distance yourself and you die, they will have still lost you. And you've robbed them of precious time with you. Your dad needs the time with you. I'm saying this as a dad but if Ryan was as sick as you and he didn't tell me and died, I would be completely destroyed. Your dad has already lost a child who he didn't get to say goodbye to. Do you really want to put him through that again?"

"No. I don't but I also don't want to put him or anyone through taking care of me. That's always been my job. Taking care of people."

"And you expect me to keep this from your mom and dad? From your brothers and sisters, and from Maggie? We all love you and we need the ability to say goodbye to you when the time comes. Is there anything, medically, they can do?"

"They mentioned doing a stem cell transplant. I just can't ask Dad, Grace or Matty to put them through that. Since the twins are my half brother and sister, chances are their stem cells wouldn't work. I also have been doing chemotherapy and radiation at the same time; hence the vomiting, my hair falling out, and the sores in my mouth."

"If you die and your dad or your brother and sister find out that there was something that they could have done to help you but you didn't feel comfortable asking; they will have an even rougher time."

"You're going to tell them aren't you?"

"Yes, I'm telling your dad because you won't. I can't withhold this from him. I am going to make sure you're okay first and follow you home in case you decide to vomit next to the road again."

"I don't have any choice in this?"

"No. You have a family that absolutely adores you. You owe it to them."

"I think I can drive now."

"I'm still following you."

"That doesn't surprise me."

Hannah stood up but refused Alec's outstretched hand to help her. He noticed how pale she was, the sores at the corners of her mouth and how thin she was. As soon as Hannah was safely back at her apartment, he would be finding Mike. He hated being the barer of bad news.


	2. Chapter 2

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 2

Mike was thoroughly enjoying being retired. He got to play the doting grandpa to Mikey and Hope and help Grace out so she could work. She had really struggled with Ryan being deployed and spent a lot of time with Mike and Polly. Watching the rambunctious three year old and the sweet baby girl took his mind off Hannah and her sudden distance from her family. He was absolutely worried sick about her and missed her terribly.

"Gampa, when's Aunt Hannah comin' back? I miss her."

"I don't know, buddy. I miss her too. Let's get your sissy down for her nap. Do you want to sit on my lap too while I rock her?"

"Yeah but I'll get 'eepy and I don't want a nap."

"Nothing wrong with a nap, I could take one myself."

"Is Gamma comin' back for 'unch?"

"She has a meeting today. Come on, settle down, Mikey. That's it."

The little boy curled up on Mike's lap in the recliner and Hope nodded off quickly. She reminded him of how Hannah and Rebecca had been as a baby. Happy and always smiling. Mikey was inquisitive and looking forward to going to preschool. It would do him a lot of good. Mike heard his text alert on his phone and juggled the baby and Mikey to read it. Every time he heard his phone ring or saw a text, he prayed that it would be Hannah reaching out. This time it was Alec.

 _"You home?"_

 _"Yeah. Mikey and Hope are sleeping."_

 _"I need to talk to you about Hannah. I'll be there in five."_

 _"Just come in. The door is unlocked. Is everything okay?"_

 _"I'll tell you when I get there."_

The next five minutes seemed to drag by and Mike's nerves were a mess. He managed to get Mikey on his bed and Hope in her crib. They had a bedroom dedicated completely for Mikey and Hope. He finally heard Alec's car door closing and fixed him a cup of coffee. Alec came in without knocking and Mike immediately noticed how heavy the mood was. Alec was generally pretty jovial.

"Coffee is there. What is going on? Is Hannah okay?

"No. She's alive. You'd better sit down. This is going to be a difficult pill to swallow.

"Just tell me."

"Today I was patrolling and came up on a Mustang parked alongside the road. The driver's side door was partially open. It's Hannah's car and I found her throwing up in the grass. I finally got her to tell me what was wrong. She was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia about six weeks ago."

"Oh my God, how bad?"

"I don't know a lot of details and Hannah wasn't exactly forthcoming. I hate being the one telling you this. The doctor hasn't given her a good prognosis. She mentioned something about only having six months. She is fighting it, with chemo and radiation. I guess the doctor suggested a stem cell transplant but she didn't want to put you, Grace or Matty through that."

"Why didn't she say anything?"

"Mike, they've only given her a few months. Her theory is that in distancing herself; she is saving everyone a lot of pain. She also doesn't want anyone to take care of her; her theory is that she is the one that is supposed to be caring for everyone. I told her that she was robbing you and the rest of her family the chance to take care of her and make peace with her passing but she's still resistant. She wanted me to keep it a secret but I told her I couldn't do that."

"So what do I do?"

"Maggie will be here in a few minutes to watch the kids and I'll sit tight until she gets here. Go to Hannah. She's back at her apartment. She knows I was going to tell you and she seemed pretty resigned to it."

"Alright, the kids just fell asleep and they're in the extra room. You sure about watching them?"

"You need to go to Hannah."

"Thank you. I'll have Polly pick up the kids from school and…"

"Mike, just go. Concentrate on Hannah."

"I'm bringing her back here, she can't be alone."

"I will agree with that." Mike grabbed his phone and keys and headed out. As he was getting in the truck, he called Polly. His nerves were a mess and he needed her advice and guidance.

"Hey, babe. Mikey and Hope down for a nap? You don't usually call through the day."

"They're asleep. Can you pick up the kids?"

"Sure. Everything okay?"

"No. Alec is staying with the kids until Maggie gets to the house. Alec came across Hannah and got her to tell him what was wrong. My baby was diagnosed with some form of leukemia six weeks ago. She has been given six months. She thought if she distanced herself, it would save us the pain of losing her. And she didn't want us to take care of her."

"Oh, wow. I'm speechless."

"Me too. I'm moving her back in with us."

"I would expect nothing less. She can't be alone in this no matter what she says."

"I have no idea what I'm going to say to her."

"Sometimes it's not about having the right words but having the right heart. You'll find the right words. Don't force her to move in."

"I want her here. If she dies, I want to at least have spent every moment possible with her. Don't you agree with me?"

"I do and I feel the same. But Hannah is used to being the caretaker. Switching roles is not easy. Is she fighting it?"

"Yeah, chemo and radiation. Alec found her throwing up by the side of the road. She mentioned a stem cell transplant but said she didn't want to put us through that."

"We should all get tested. I know I'm not a blood relative but I still want tested. But what about the kids? I'm not sure how I feel about the twins being put through that."

"I'll get tested and I know Grace will want to. Matty is pretty upset with Hannah but I'm positive he'll get tested. We'll hold off on the twins for the time being. I would prefer that it would just be me."

"I know."

"Alright, I just pulled up to the apartment. I have no idea how long I'll be."

"Take as much time as you need. Let me know if I need to do anything."

"Will do. I love you."

"I love you too."

Mike hung up and took a deep breath before he got out of the truck. He had no idea how to respond or what to even think. He just knew that he was absolutely terrified. The walk up to her apartment seemed like an eternity and he prayed that she would answer the door. He knocked once and was shocked to hear a strained voice yell, "Come in."

The door wasn't locked and he walked inside the apartment. It was cluttered and had an odd smell. There were medical supplies on the kitchen counter and he could hear Hannah vomiting in the bathroom. The door was partially open and he opened it the rest of the way. In the sink there were clumps of dark hair and Hannah was kneeling in front of the toilet, dry heaving. He leaned down next to her and started rubbing her back and pushed her hair out of the way. More of it came out in his hand and he threw it into the garbage can. He had no idea how to help her or what to say. At least she wasn't resistant to him being there.

"Hannah, do I need to get you something to stop this? You can't keep vomiting like this."

"If I eat or drink something; I'll just have more to throw up. Eventually the dry heaving will stop."

"This is horrible."

"I guess Alec told you?"

"He did."

"And you're mad?"

"Not mad. I just want to get you through this."

"Dad, there is no getting me through this. I'm sure Alec told you what my doctor said."

"About the six months? Yeah, he did but it's only a number and I will be at your next appointment to get tested to see if my stem cells or bone marrow will help you."

"I don't want any of you to go through that kind of pain for me."

"I won't let you die without at least trying to save your life. But you have to fight. And I will be fighting along with you. Polly, Grace, Matty, and Max will also want to help you. Gabby and the twins are still too young to be of much help but they do love you and need you in their lives. We all do. I'm not giving you up without a fight. I've already lost your brother. Losing you is not acceptable to me and I won't let it happen."

"I think the disease has other ideas. And aside from that, this is what you will deal with every day. Puking, losing hair, and changing bandages on my port. None of it is pleasant and I distanced myself so I wouldn't subject you to that."

"You aren't subjecting me to anything. I want to help you and so will everyone else. It's my job as your dad to take care of you. That doesn't stop just because you're an adult. If the worse happens, I need to have spent every nanosecond possible with you and one of the ways I can do that is to take care of you. I didn't get that with Lucas. I want you to move back home so that Polly and I can help. I know you don't want to but you can't be alone in this. You have too many people who love you."

"Okay. I'm not going to fight you on this. It isn't worth it. I do need help with something else."

"Name it."

"I need you to shave my head. I don't have a pair of clippers and didn't want a stranger to do it. Plus money is a bit tight."

"I have a pair of clippers at home or I will pay for it to be done."

"I'd rather you do it."

"Okay. You ready to stand back up?"

"Yeah."

Mike helped her to her feet and immediately pulled her into a bear hug. She was thankfully not fighting him. Hannah leaned her head into his chest like she couldn't keep her head up. She was completely exhausted. Mike sat her on the couch and packed a bag of clothes and medical supplies for her. Polly would get the rest of her clothing and clean the apartment at a later point. Her bedroom at home was still as she had left it and so she would have a place she was comfortable at while she stayed at his house. It was also close to his and Polly's bedroom and so they would be able to hear if she needed help through the night. Mike finally woke her up and walked her down the stairs. He had her bag in one hand and was holding her elbow with the other. She started to go towards her car but Mike shook his head and pointed at the truck.


	3. Chapter 3

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 3

It was one of the hardest things Mike had ever done; buzzing all of Hannah's long, beautiful hair off. Her reasoning was that she couldn't watch it falling out and she didn't want to ask a stranger to do it. Polly had offered but Hannah seemed pretty set on Mike doing it. Mike sit her in the garage on a chair with a trash bag under it. Polly had sat all the younger kids down while they were in the garage and gently explained to them that their sissy was really sick. At nine, Gabby was the one who seemed to understand it the best, the twins thought it was just the flu that Hannah would be over in a couple days. Matty and Max just kind of digested the information and went outside to play football. Mike had quietly told Grace when she came to get Mikey and Hope. She was the one the most pained about it, aside from Mike. Polly handled everything with her typical wisdom.

As Mike watched the hair hit the floor, he was transported back to another time. Christine and Lucas were alive in his memories, Grace was about eight and Hannah had been an adorable three year old. His relationship with Hannah was not good but Christine had just had Lucas and needed help with the older two girls while she nursed him.

 _"Mike, Lucas is hungry again. I need to nurse him but can you help Hannah get ready for preschool? She wants her hair in pigtails."_

 _"I'll try. She's coming down the steps now."_

 _"Daddy!"_

 _"Hey, Sissy. Mommy is having me put your hair in pigtails. They may not look so good."_

 _"It's okay. I like it when you do my hair."_

 _Mike did his best to make the little pigtails look even and normal. They ended up looking haphazard and her hair was all bumpy. Christine was laughing behind her hand but Hannah was thrilled with it. She ran back to her bedroom to get her shoes and both Mike and Christine started laughing._

 _"Oh, that's horrible but she seems happy."_

 _"Mike, she's just happy that you took the time to do it."_

Mike was struggling to keep his tears at bay as he finished. The scar from Hannah being shot eight years before was obvious as well as the small birth mark above her right ear. He hadn't seen it since she was a baby. Thankfully, Hannah was remarkably calm and Mike was trying to act like shaving his daughter bald was the most normal thing in the world. The younger kids were in their bedrooms and the older boys were outside. Polly was fixing Hannah's favorite soup. There were an assortment of her scarves sitting on the counter and Hannah looked at them with a little interest.

"Hannah, I got some of my scarves out so that you can wear them on your head if you want to."

"Can you tie this one? I can't lift my arm above my head because of the port. This might scare the twins."

"Absolutely." Polly quickly tied a light blue scarf around Hannah's bald head. It was slightly easier to look at then her bald head but Mike also knew that there would be plenty of times that he would be seeing her without one.

"Sissy, have you talked to Sam?"

"Sam needs to concentrate on school. He starts medical school in the fall and needs to study. He will feel compelled to do what you all are doing. This can't dictate his future."

"He loves you and will want to help you. You broke off your engagement without telling him why. He deserves an answer."

"Dad, I am trying to protect all of you. I broke it off with Sam and I distanced myself from you all because I knew it would eventually make everyone mad, you all would hate me and my dying wouldn't affect you all. What I didn't count on was how rough the chemo and radiation would make me feel and that I'm starting to need help. I can't afford to hire anyone to help me so here I am. And you're pretty insistent."

"Hannah, I'm going to speak to you as your pastor and not your mother. I have seen a lot of people die from cancer. More than I can count and I've preached more funerals than that. Young and old. The one thing I know for certain is that distancing yourself from the people that love you while you are dying is not a good answer. You think it will make it easier for us but you're wrong. It will make it even harder for your family and your friends. You will rob everyone, especially your dad of the time we need with you. I understand why you would think the way that you are but for the first time in your life, you are being a wee bit selfish."

"I'm not being selfish. I'm trying to help you all. I don't want everyone taking care of me. That's always been my thing. I take care of you all. I won't be able to do that."

"Sissy, you have done a phenomenal job for a lot of years; taking care of us but its high time the favor is returned. I don't like thinking that you're dying and I refuse to accept it but I also know that if you do die from this, I will have needed any and every moment I could get with you. Even if it means that I have to clean up vomit, give you a bath or help you to the bathroom. I will do it because it will mean that I will have spent that time with you. And I will fight you dying with everything I have, harder than I've ever fought. Part of that has to do with losing Lucas and not wanting to lose another child but it is more to do with the fact that this world doesn't need to lose a person like you. I will agree that you are being a little selfish right now but I also think you are the sweetest, most generous, beautiful soul. There is just too much nastiness in this world and when I find a person like you; it's only right that I fight to keep you here."

"Dad, I appreciate what you've said but you need to face the fact that I'm dying. You accepting it will make it easier down the road."

"If you've accepted it then why are you putting yourself through the chemo and radiation? From what I've seen over the past couple hours, you are putting yourself through hell."

"I don't really know."

"Well, I know. You are fighting for some reason or you wouldn't consent to have the treatments. I don't know why, maybe it's your family, your friends, or your future."

"It's the kids. Gabby, Rebecca, Tommy, Mikey and Hope."

"Good reason to fight. They are young and they need you here."

"Hannah, you have a bright future. I am going to go with you to your next appointment to see about my stem cells or bone marrow being transplanted. I will get tested first and if I don't match, then everyone else can get tested."

"I don't want the little kids to be tested. If they do the bone marrow, it's incredibly painful. I don't want them to go through that. If it comes down to that; I just won't do it. I'll refuse. I don't like any of you doing that anyway.

"Your dad and I have already spoken about that. We are in agreement that we don't want them tested but if no one else matches, then we will have them tested at the very least. If we don't and you do die, the twins will feel guilty."

"I really, really don't want this for them. They're only eight. I don't even like Matty getting tested. He's fourteen but still. And Grace just had Hope. I'm not sure the doctor will let her."

"I know your brother and sister, they will be tested."

"You'll have to sign off on Matty getting tested and then the surgery. I still don't want this for any of you."

"And we want you healthy."

"Dad, you aren't understanding how bad this is. My doctor isn't even sure a stem cell transplant would work."

"Which is why I want to go with you to your appointment. So I can get a grasp on all this. When's your appointment?"

"I have chemo tomorrow at ten and then my appointment with the oncologist is at two."

"Alright. I'm going with you."

"Dad, I love you for this but you are subjecting yourself to something really bad."

"What I will see there won't be worse than losing you."

"I guess. I'm going to go unpack my bag."

"Okay, supper will be ready in about thirty minutes."

Hannah nodded at Polly and headed into her bedroom. Mike sit down at the kitchen island in her place and covered his face with his hands. Polly came around the corner of the counter and pulled him close. He refused for Hannah to see him break but he was absolutely terrified.

"Mike, just let it out. I can't imagine what you're going through right now."

"It's hard. I'm so scared. I took Hannah for granted for so many years. The last eight have been good and I have an amazing relationship with her. I just can't lose her. Why? Why her? She's twenty two, she has a bright future and she does so much for so many people."

"I wish I had an answer for you. I don't. I keep thinking about her sending us to the Bahamas three years ago after that custody battle for Max. We were really struggling. You didn't want to spend her money like that."

"It was an amazing trip and I enjoyed the time with you. I was completely against it, not because I didn't want to fix things between you and me but because of the money. Worked perfectly until she turned on the tears and then I was like putty."

"You melted. It was cute."

 _"If you're so unhappy, then file for divorce. I won't because I still love you. Despite the fact that you believed the worst about me, I still love you, Polly."_

 _"I don't believe in divorce, you know that."_

 _"Then we're at an impasse. And I have no idea how to get past it."_

 _"Kids are home now, no more fighting."_

 _"Agreed."_

 _Hannah had taken the younger kids to the park and they all went running to their rooms. Matty and Max were at an afterschool program that they enjoyed and Hannah eyed Mike and Polly nervously._

 _"Can you both sit down? I have something to tell you."_

 _Mike and Polly sit down in the living room, him in his recliner and her on the couch. Hannah walked over to him and grabbed his hand, pulling him up and moving him to the couch to sit next to Polly. They hadn't had any physical contact for the past three months, since the custody battle had started with Polly's attacker and Max's biological father. Initially it had been because she had been shook up to deal with the man who had raped her and then she accused Mike of killing him after the court date. It had put their normally very loving relationship to a test and Mike was having trouble forgiving her for not believing that he wouldn't kill someone. He had killed before when he was a cop and in the Navy, killing her attacker was not a surprising idea. Hannah sit down on the coffee table facing both of them._

 _"Hannah, what's going on?"_

 _"I love you both and I love the two of you together. I've heard you both fighting and I know Dad has been sleeping in the spare room. You're headed for a divorce and I don't want that. As you know, I have been saving my money up for a down payment on a new car. I took that money and got you two a trip to the Bahamas. It includes the airfare, the hotel room and food. I also got you guys couple's massages and couple other things. I figured some time to yourselves would make you solve the issues. The hotel room comes with one bed so you can't sleep separately. Its eight days and you leave July 19_ _th_ _. I will take care of the kids and Pastor John is aware and said you could take the time off, Mom."_

 _"Hannah, a trip like that costs thousands. I refuse to spend your money like that. You need a car. It's sweet that you would do that for us but we can't do this."_

 _"Mike, the tickets are probably not refundable."_

 _"They aren't, Daddy. I want you to do this. Don't worry about the kids."_

 _"I'll call the airline and…"_

 _"Please, Daddy." Hannah's eyes had filled with tears and Mike's heart broke. He hated when any of his kids cried. Polly had been sitting quietly next to Mike and was chewing on her lip._

 _"Mike, we should just go. We haven't taken even a date night since we got married and that was five years ago. The kids will be okay and Maggie and Alec will help Hannah."_

 _"I still don't like the idea. It's a lot of money."_

 _"Daddy, I love you and I know you are happier with Polly then you were with Mom. You've just hit a rough patch. I need to help you through it because you're both too stubborn. Going to the Bahamas, you won't have good phone reception so you won't constantly be checking on us. You can concentrate on each other and fix whatever needs fixing."_

Mike snapped back into reality when Matty and Max came in from outside, looking for food. At fourteen, they were both constantly eating. Mike joked that he would have to go back to work to just finance their grocery bill. It gave him a bit of a humorous reprieve during the very emotional and painful fear that his daughter was essentially dying.


	4. Chapter 4

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 4

Mike hated watching the nurse hooking up the lines that fed Hannah her chemo and giving her a bag of fluids through an IV on her forearm. Hannah acted like an old pro at it and had pulled a blanket that she had packed in a bag over her. Mike tucked it around her shoulders and kissed her on the forehead before she fell asleep in the recliner. He propped her feet up and watched her sleep. Her eyes were sunken in and she had lost a considerable amount of weight. Her eyebrows were thin and the hair on her arms was almost nonexistent. The nurse took her vitals a few times throughout the process. Several of the other patients had looked in her little curtained cubicle as if they were hoping she would be awake so she could visit. They all looked at him in surprise but he heard the nurse tell them quietly that Hannah had finally told her family that she had leukemia.

About noon, an older man walked into the little cubicle and gave Mike a smile before he walked over to Hannah and squeezed her hand. Mike didn't particularly want Hannah woke up and instantly went into the protective dad mode.

"May I ask who you are? I don't really want Hannah woke up."

"My name is Father Alex. I have been sitting with Hannah during her chemo the last four weeks. I am just late today because I had to give Last Rites to another one of my patients. A young man Hannah's age. I'm gathering that you're her earthly father? She didn't want to tell any of her family so I'm a bit surprised to see you here. I encouraged her telling you all but as you know, she's pretty determined."

"Yes, I'm her father. I appreciate you encouraging her and sitting with her but I will be bringing her to her treatments until she goes into remission. She doesn't need a stranger with her."

"Completely understandable. You're angry."

"Yes, I'm angry. And don't get into the God thing. My wife is a pastor. I don't want to hear it. What kind of God does this to a twenty two year old?"

"A loving God."

"This isn't love. This is…horrific. This disease and its treatment have absolutely ravaged my daughter. Her spirit is broken."

"No, I think she still has a very strong spirit. Listen to her. I don't agree with her not telling your family of her illness or her prognosis, her theory though, while flawed, was beautiful too. She wanted to spare the people she loved watching her waste away. When the end came, I was to call you. She already has everything planned. The funeral, music, what scriptures she wants read. The whole bit."

"You need to say wanted instead of wants. I'm going to get tested to see if they can transplant my stem cells or bone marrow into her and if I can't, she has an older sister and younger brother that I'll have tested. They will want to help. I also have twin eight year olds. Hannah is completely resistant to them having the tests though. They are kind of a last resort."

"She may go along with you all having the tests but I don't think she will ever go along with any of you, especially her younger siblings having any procedures. She's terminal and she knows it. Her plan is to just fade away."

"It may be her plan but I will fight it. I want my daughter to live her life. Teach, get married to the guy she's dated since she was fifteen, have three or four kids, spoil her niece and nephew and her younger siblings, make me lose more hair because of her craziness and be her stepmom's best friend. That is what she's going to do."

"She told me you had been in the Navy. I can see it now. You are used to everything and everyone bending to your will but this, you have no control of. This is not up to you, me, her doctor, or even Hannah. It's all God. And I know you don't want to hear that answer. Hannah is well aware that this maybe her purpose. The impact she made up to now; is exactly what God had planned for her. You're fighting it out of guilt. Hannah told me that at one point you and she didn't have a good relationship. She said all is well now but you had distanced yourself from her."

"I won't deny it. I was a horrible father to her. I've tried to fix it but is this my punishment? I loved her before and I love her now."

"I have no doubt that you love her. And she knows it. That's why she distanced herself. She was afraid you would feel punished but I know and I'm sure your wife will tell you the same thing, God doesn't work that way."

"Sins of the father will revisit his children? I've killed, I've done horrible things. Granted, it was in the service of my country but maybe this is my punishment for that? Why Hannah?"

"I don't agree that it's your punishment. But if you had a choice of your children, which would it be? Grace? She has two young children and a husband who's deployed. Mattie? Max? They are becoming young men. Gabby? Hannah absolutely adores her. Rebecca or Tommy? They are barely eight years old."

"It wouldn't be any of them, it'd be me."

"And all those children would potentially lose their father? Grace? It's you guiding her through being the spouse of a deployed service member. And providing those babies with a positive male role model while their daddy is away. It makes Ryan rest a little easier, I'm sure. Mattie? That boy already blames himself for his mother's death, losing his dad, despite the typical issues between the two of you, would destroy him. He needs you. Max, who is still terrified that he will turn out like his mom's attacker needs a man to teach him how to be a man. You are who he looks towards. Gabby? You're the only father she's only known. She knows that she isn't yours biologically but she loves you just the same and you love her exactly as you do Grace, Hannah or Rebecca. Tommy and Rebecca are both still so young; they need a father in so many different ways. And Polly? She may have been married before and she loved her first husband; but you are the love of her life. I realize you had your issues in the past but she would be completely lost without you."

"Hannah has really opened up to you? Does she normally sleep like this?"

"At first, no. The chemo is wearing her down. The doctor had pretty well told her she was terminal and so she started making her plans. She wrote a lot of it down."

"I want to read it."

"Not a good idea."

"I need to know. Do you know?"

"I know some of it. She wants the scripture that was read at your wedding with Polly. Closed casket. Certain music. Beyond that, you don't need to know. When she knew the end was coming, she was going to admit herself to the hospital and I would call you."

"She wanted to die alone?"

"She wouldn't have been alone. You know how Hannah makes friends wherever she goes with the most unlikely of people? She wouldn't have been alone. She just didn't want to put her family, specifically you, through watching her die a slow and painful death. Leukemia deaths are pretty rough and she knows it. She did tell the one thing that she hated was that she always felt better when you held her and she knew that if you knew it; you would be holding her as she died. That idea seemed to comfort her."

"So what now? I get that you are telling me that my daughter is dying and I need to accept it and enjoy my time with her but I still want my daughter to survive this and I will want to know why her?"

"No one knows why. If Hannah doesn't pull through, her beautiful soul will have left an amazing impact. One that, though you will be in pain and grieving, you will be inspired by. You need to accept that she could die but also remind her that you are still hoping for a miracle. Fighting it the way you are is only making is harder for her. She is still fighting. She loves those younger siblings and her niece and nephew. Help her, hold her when she needs it, have the hope she needs despite your anger and just be there. That's what she needs. You have to accept this."

"I really don't want to."

"Accepting that she is dying isn't losing hope. She told me the other day that she wanted to go skydiving. Do her bucket list with her. I've read it, it's amusing."

"It just seems so final."

"It does. But if she dies, you'll treasure the memories. At the rate you're going now; you will only cause yourself pain. Accepting it will mean you will be at peace. You will get with her what you didn't get with your son."

"I can't imagine that I will ever be at peace with my child dying. It's not natural. She's supposed to bury me, not the other way around."

"Granted but you will be able to cope better. Not being able to say goodbye to your son still haunts you, correct?"

"It does. Which is why I don't understand why Hannah was choosing to die alone without any of us there? I wouldn't have wanted to get that call."

"Her plan was definitely flawed. No question there. Her logic was that she didn't want you to see her suffer or need to be cared for. I think when it came down to it; she would have ended up wanting you there. The idea of dying in your arms had stayed on her mind. And I'm sure that you don't want to hear that."

"No, but I would hold her. No doubt. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way."

"The imagery of moving from her earthy father's arms to her heavenly Father's was appealing."

"The image isn't so appealing to me but I do understand what you're saying."

"I had better be going but please let Hannah know I was here and remember what I said. It's okay to have hope but not accepting it isn't healthy for Hannah or you. She needs to know that if she does die, that you will be alright. You are her biggest concern."

"She's always thinking of other people. If I had been faced with what she's facing at twenty two; I would have been so angry."

"That's her legacy."

"I suppose. Point made, Father. I will tell her you were here."

Mike shook the man's hand and watched him leave. Hannah was starting to come to. She was groaning and seemed to be in pain. The nurse came in and checked on her. She told him that Hannah's stomach was bothering her and brought a tub over for Hannah to throw up in. Mike just had to bide his time until the vomiting woke Hannah up. He took her hand in his and looked at her wrist. There was a matching tattoo to his own, an infinity symbol that signified unending love. It made him smile because it had caused quite the argument in his house. It was right after they had won the custody case for Max and Mike and Polly's marriage had been severely troubled. Polly still didn't care for him having a tattoo.

 _"Hey, Daddy. I found it. An infinity symbol. Would you be okay getting that tattoo?"_

 _"Where at?"_

 _"Wrist. You could cover it with your watch or sleeve. Small and simple."_

 _"Alright, what does it signify? I won't get a tattoo unless it means something."_

 _"Infinity means unending. In this case, love."_

 _"Alright. Make the appointment."_

 _"Thanks, Daddy! I love you."_

 _"I love you too." Hannah gave him a kiss on the cheek and ran into her room. Polly had been in the kitchen the entire time and was shaking her head at him._

 _"What?"_

 _"Do I get a say in this? I don't like tattoos."_

 _"We aren't asking you to get one. Hannah's an adult and can get anything she wants. If I don't want her to get something crazy then I convince her to get one I approve of and am okay with getting myself."_

 _"I don't like either of you getting one."_

 _"Well, given what you already think about me; I would say a tattoo is the least of our problems."_

 _"Mike, I have said it before; I am sorry I accused you. If there is any possibility of us moving past this; you have to forgive me. We leave for the Bahamas in two days, we haven't touched, and when we do speak, we fight. It will be a miserable trip at this rate."_

 _"I'm where I've always been. If you wanted to be touched; I would. You haven't wanted to be and I didn't want to scare you by forcing the issue. Maybe you're right, I need to forgive you but I do still care about you. It's not like I've liked sleeping in the spare room all these months. You've just seemed scare of me. Don't you know, I would never hurt you?"_

 _"I know. But once the ball started rolling; it was rolling too fast for me to catch up with and stop. I had said horrible things to you and you have admitted you haven't forgiven me. As much as we both love one another, if this trip doesn't go well, maybe we should meet with the attorney when we get home. At this point, we are both being toxic to one another."_

 _"I am not ready for a divorce. It seems like the easy answer and I think we still have something worth fighting for."_

 _"I agree but I don't know how to get over this mountain. And Max needs you, specifically."_

 _"I won't abandon Max or Gabby if we don't make it over this mountain. That's a promise. I love them. And I do love you."_

 _Polly didn't say anything but came towards Mike and pulled him into a hug. It was the most they had touched in a couple months. He felt her crying into his chest and knew he had to do better for her. She had been terrified she would lose her son and then had been terrified of losing her husband. She deserved better and he hoped the trip that Hannah had so carefully planned would be what would save their marriage._

 _That night, as Mike got ready for bed in the spare room, Polly had come in and laid down next to him. She tossed and turned all night so he finally pulled her onto his chest. She immediately fell into a deep sleep. Thankfully Max slept through the night with no nightmares. Polly had slept better than she had in months and Mike felt better holding her._

Hannah made a slight gagging noise but then she seemed to fall back asleep. He focused back on her tattoo and remembered that they had gotten the tattoos the day before he and Polly left for their vacation. She had been less than thrilled with them getting the tattoos but had chosen not to fight over it. He wouldn't be getting anymore tattoos but loved the one that he shared with Hannah.

Hannah woke up shortly after one and Mike immediately had to hold the tub as she vomited into it. The nurse brought her some saltines and ginger ale to eat and drink before her doctor's appointment but she didn't seem too interested in it. Mike figured out that she was too weak to lift the cup and so he helped her drink the ginger ale through the straw which caused her to cry out because of the sores in her mouth. Despite that though, she was remarkably tough. While Mike's heart was broken; he was also really proud of the courage and dignity she showed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 5

Mike sit anxiously next to Hannah as they waited for her oncologist to come into the exam room. He noticed her pull the trash can close to her and knew it was in case she threw up. The nurse came in and took blood from Hannah and when Mike told her that he wanted to be tested to see if his stem cells or bone marrow could help Hannah, she nodded and left. She was back within five minutes with another kit and started another blood draw, this time on Mike. He immediately was transported back to Takehaya's island but just powered through it, just as he had done when Grace had needed a blood transfusion to save her life, eight years before. The nurse left and Hannah squeezed his hand.

"Daddy, I know this stuff bothers you and you don't have to do this."

"I can't not at least try to keep you alive. I know you want me to accept that you're dying and in some ways I have since I talked to Father Alex but I have to do this."

"And if it isn't you? Doc said it was probably a sibling. Grace or Mattie."

"Then they'll get tested. I would rather it be me. I don't want any of you kids to go through that kind of pain. Father Alex told me a little about your bucket list. Skydiving?"

"Do you want to read it?"

"No, not really but yes, I want to help you accomplish whatever is on that list."

"Can you hand me that bag?" Mike reached for the bag and handed it to Hannah. She sorted through a three ring notebook and finally pulled a composition notebook out with "Bucket List" written on the cover and handed it to Mike. Mike figured the notebook had her funeral arrangements and such in it. He wasn't ready for that. She rested her head on his shoulder and seemed to fall asleep instantly so he opened the notebook.

 _-Go skydiving with Daddy—_

 _-Take the boys to a Major League ball game and have our team win—_

 _-Buy Mom a new Bible and copy all her notes and highlights into the new one from the old one—_

 _-Get some sort of grave marker for my mom and Lucas so I can be buried next to their marker and Daddy can visit us all at the same time—_

 _-Take Gabby and Rebecca ice skating-_

 _-Write everyone letters—_

 _-See Jeremy again and make sure he has a supply of car magazines and movies in case Daddy forgets—_

 _-Send Daddy and Mom on another vacation, maybe to the mountains—_

 _-A family vacation, maybe when Ryan comes home on leave—_

 _-A girl's weekend with Grace—_

The door opened and a middle aged man with a lab coat stuck his head in and then entered. Mike shook Hannah awakeand stood to shake the doctor's hand. Hannah apparently had other ideas because she projectile vomited into the trash can. Mike was a little shocked but the doctor acted like it was the most normal thing in the world and held the trash can for her.

"I'm Doctor Grant but all my patients and their families just call me Doc. The nurse told me you're Hannah's dad. I'm glad she finally told her family. This is not a road anyone needs to go down alone. We know how Hannah is but how are you?"

"I'm not the one with leukemia."

"I lost my daughter to the same type of leukemia as what Hannah has. AML is maddening. Especially to the family. You aren't okay."

"So how bad?"

"Well, her labs are better. Not perfect but I like what I'm seeing. As far as prognosis, who knows?"

"What about the stem cell or bone marrow transplants?"

"You are a fairly close match for stem cell but I would like to test her siblings too for bone marrow and you. Typically bone marrow transplants are best among siblings. It can be done parent to child but I like siblings better."

"I would prefer it would be me. I don't want to put my son or oldest daughter through that in less we don't have a choice. Besides my daughter, Grace, had a baby four months ago. Difficult delivery too. Will that matter?"

"We'll test her but I would prefer it not to be her. Her body is still recovering. Pregnancy and childbirth can do a number on a woman's body. What about your son? Hannah said he's fourteen."

"Yes. I would prefer not to have Mattie go through that."

"He's healthy though?"

"As a horse. But again…"

"We'll cross that proverbial bridge. Hannah, better now? Do you need some water or ginger ale?"

"Maybe some ginger ale. No straw though."

"Sores still bothering you?"

"Yeah. I don't want to complain."

"You are one of my patients that don't. Open up?"

Hannah opened her mouth and Mike almost threw up when he saw all the sores in her mouth. On her gums, tongue and even on the roof of her mouth. They looked similar to a canker sore but incredibly more painful.

"What caused those?"

"Radiation. Hannah didn't handle it so well. We've switched to just a chemo cocktail. Not that that is any better. Hannah, just don't use a straw and maybe they'll heal. Put the triple antibiotic in your nose twice a day. It'll heal from within."

"Okay."

"Someone is getting sleepy again. Admiral Slattery, her next appointment is next week at two, on Wednesday. Bring your son. We'll check your tests but you are unlikely and I don't want to traumatize you're older daughter's body so soon after having a baby."

"I don't want my brother to go through that, especially the bone marrow transplant. He plays every sport and he would be on the D.L. for weeks. He won't go for it."

"He's fourteen. While he has some say in his medical decisions, it's ultimately up to me. A break from all those sports would make him concentrate on his school work."

"Before any of that is decided, we have to get Hannah healthy enough and your son needs to be careful that he doesn't injure himself. An injury, even minor could delay a bone marrow transplant and time is critical right now. And that is only saying that he's a match."

"Oh, this should be fun."

"Hannah, if you start running a fever or have any unusual pain, contact my on call number. Avoid any physical activity. Are you still living by yourself?"

"No, I'm staying with my family."

"Good."

Mike helped Hannah stand up and shook Doc's hand. Doc gave Hannah a hug and they went on their way. Mike still had her bucket list notebook in his hand and was carrying her tote bag. Hannah seemed cold and more tired and had to stop several times for a break. Mike was used to his daughter literally bouncing off the walls, not having to take breaks while walking. He finally sat her down on a park bench and went and got his truck. He hadn't realized how little energy she would have and would be parking closer on her next treatment day.

Hannah was pretty quiet on the ride home, looking out the window. Mike stopped to get her a strawberry shake with a spoon instead of the straw. The cold apparently felt good on the sores and her throat. She had told him that her throat felt burnt and the nurse had told her it was from the vomiting. Mike mentally added the ingredients for milkshakes to the grocery list. Thankfully Hannah wasn't immediately throwing up the shake and seemed to be in a better mood.

"Daddy, you can't make Mattie do this if he doesn't want to. I'm okay if he doesn't."

"Sis, I know you want me to accept all this but if Mattie doesn't at least get tested and you don't make it through this; he will blame himself. Now about your bucket list? I didn't read it all but most of it was for other people. Aside from the skydiving, is there anything you want to do?"

"I want to do all of it and I want to be a part of all of it but I need help doing it. I didn't realize how expensive these treatments would be. Your insurance is still covering everything but the traveling back and forth is getting to me and I'm sure Maggie won't want me waitressing. Plus, you need to read all of it. I want to test drive a brand new Mustang."

"Oh yeah? There's a Ford car lot up here. I bet I could make it happen. Do you feel up to it? No puking in the car."

"Yeah, I feel good. If they have a red convertible one…"

"Let me do some talking."

Mike pulled up to the car lot and a young salesman walked up, obviously hoping for a sale. Mike knew he wouldn't get what he wanted with the young man so he asked for a manager. The young man was slightly taken aback by Mike's directness. Hannah opened the truck window and drew Mike's attention to a cherry red, brand new Ford Mustang convertible. It was nice. The manager, a man about Mike's age walked out. Mike moved out of Hannah's earshot.

"What can I do for you, sir? I'm the owner of this lot."

"I'm Admiral Mike Slattery. I'm not here today to buy a car but I will be buying one at some point. My daughter, in the truck there, has Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Her chances aren't good and she just told me that she wants to drive a brand new red Ford Mustang convertible before she dies. You can't imagine what it feels like to read your child's bucket list. I want her to fulfill all her dreams. She's only twenty two and most of her items have to do with helping other people but this is something she specifically wants to do. Can you help me?"

"Sir, we don't let people test drive cars unless they're buying." The young salesmen said from behind the manager but the manager nodded at Mike and turned around and looked at the young salesmen.

"Go, get the key. Sir, if you want to just leave your truck here, you can take it for the night. I'll need a copy of your license. I'm just going to pretend you're driving it. Our insurance only wants twenty three year old's driving but I'll underwrite this one. I would like to meet your daughter."

"Okay. I'll have to help her out of the truck."

The salesman brought the key out and the owner went and got the car while Mike got Hannah out and leaned her against his truck and got her belongings and his insurance card and license out. The salesmen was still taken aback by the course of events but took the license and insurance in for copies. Taking the car for the night was not in Mike's plans but it would make Hannah happy. He decided to forewarn Polly because he didn't want an immediate fight with her.

 _"Hey, babe."_

 _"Hey, you guys headed home? How's Hannah?"_

 _"We're headed home but we made a pit stop. She's feeling okay. When we get home, don't have a heart attack."_

 _"Why?"_

 _"Because we'll be driving a brand new Ford Mustang convertible. It's just a test drive and we aren't buying it. It's a bucket list thing of Hannah's. And it's a pretty day so the owner of the car lot is putting the top down."_

 _"Well, I'm glad you called. I would have flipped if you pulled in in that and I didn't know"_

 _"I know, hence the phone call. The owner is showing it to her now and she's so excited. It is a nice car."_

 _"You know, her birthday is coming up?"_

 _"Babe, what are you suggesting?"_

 _"Mike, if she's dying, she needs some happiness. We should buy the car, surprise her, and if she dies; we sell it. We can handle the payment. You and I are careful. I have the credit that I could do it on my own but I would prefer it to be a joint thing."_

 _"Alright. Obviously I am not taking much convincing. I honestly was thinking about it if she beat this but in case she doesn't, it's a good idea."_

 _"I just want to drive it at some point."_

 _"You surprise me every day, Pastor."_

 _"What can I say; it's been kind of a bucket list thing of mine too! So, bring it home on the guise that it's a test drive tonight and tomorrow morning, you and I will slip away to make the purchase and bring your truck back. You can drive your truck. I get the car."_

 _"Yes, ma'am. I love you."_

 _"Love you too. See you in a bit."_

Mike hung up and watched Hannah for a moment. She was in the driver's seat patiently waiting on him. The top was down on the convertible and it had a black leather interior. The engine was running and the exhaust was loud. Of course, Hannah, being his daughter, was revving the engine. Mike had to admit the car was nice. The car lot owner was smiling, watching her and Mike walked up to him.

"Your daughter is incredible. It's not fair that a girl like that would be that ill."

"You're telling me. So, when I bring it back tomorrow morning; my wife will be with me. She is insistent that we buy it for Hannah and I agree. And Hannah doesn't know."

"I will start the paperwork. Get you the best price and I'll handle the sale. Enjoy the ride."

"I intend to. Thanks so much."

"It's an honor. Hannah is amazing."

Mike nodded at him and shook his hand. He climbed in the passenger seat and buckled up. As soon as they got across their county line, Hannah really put the pedal to the medal. Mike refused to look at the speedometer but knew he needed to text Alec to forewarn him.

 _"If you're office gets a call of a cherry red Mustang convertible speeding, ignore it please."_

 _"Hannah?"_

 _"Yep. Bucket list thing."_

 _"Okay. No problem."_

Mike tried not to act nervous or to correct Hannah's driving. She was grinning from ear to ear and having a blast. It made Mike smile. They finally pulled in to the house and Mike could see the shock on Max and Mattie's faces. Mattie was into cars and Mike planned on buying a classic car and restoring it with him as kind of a father/son bonding thing. Mike worried about his relationship with Mattie. As easy as it had been when he was young, Mattie had grown up and didn't handle Mike's attempts to have a close relationship. He also seemed to have a lot of guilt concerning Christine's death and seemed to think Mike blamed him because she had died having him.

"Wow, awesome car. Can I drive it?"

"NO! You're fourteen. Not happening. Your sister is just test driving it. Kind of a fun thing."

"Oh. Can I ride in it?"

"Maybe. Do you have homework?"

"Yeah, but Max and I were throwing the ball around."

"Go in and do your homework and maybe."

"Yes, sir." Mike cringed because he hated when the kids referred to him as sir. Mattie did it, not out of respect but to irritate him. Mattie was standing fairly close to him and Max was on Hannah's side of the car looking at something she was showing him on the car. Mike took the opportunity to wrap an arm around Mattie. He felt the boy go stiff and it made him sad.

"Don't stress about a ride tonight. Mom and I are buying the car for Hannah but she doesn't know and it's a surprise. There will be opportunities later. I do still want you to do the homework though. And you know how I feel about the sir thing." Mike had been talking quietly into Mattie's ear and decided just for added effect, to kiss the top of Mattie's head which immediately earned him a groan. It made Mike wish he could go back in time to when he first met Mattie. The little boy slept in Mike's bed almost every night and was always hugging and kissing Mike. Polly had told him once that it was the way Mattie was bonding with Mike. He needed to fix things with Mattie, because if he was Hannah's potential donor, it would be Mike asking him to put himself through an incredible amount of pain to save his sister's life. Mattie might not be very willing.

Polly, Tommy and Rebecca came outside and Hannah proudly showed off the car. She was completely clueless about the purchase of the car. It was amusing. Rebecca really didn't care about the car so she ran up to Mike wanting a hug. Mike immediately lifted her up and kissed her on the cheek. With her curly brown hair and big blue eyes, she was a mix of Polly and Mike. She had the sweetest personality and her need for a hug was soothing for Mike considering the day he had, first with Hannah and then with Mattie. Gabby had also come out and was not interested in the car but instead was kicking the soccer ball around with Mattie.

Polly finally got the kids rounded up and inside. Mike put the top back on the car and grabbed Hannah's tote bag and the notebook with her bucket list. He wanted to read it and make everything happen for Hannah. Polly was putting supper on the table and Hannah even seemed hungry, she was practically salivating over the fried chicken, mashed potatoes, chicken gravy, new green beans, biscuits and homemade applesauce. Mike just prayed the huge meal would stay in Hannah's stomach. She needed the nutrients.

Supper was actually the most Mike and Mattie had interacted in a month and somehow Polly orchestrated Mattie sitting next to Mike. While the others ate and talked, Mike quietly explained the tests that Mattie would have to endure. He was expecting a blow up but thankfully Mattie was surprisingly mature. It reminded Mike of the amazing little boy that he had fallen in love with only five minutes after meeting eight years before.

"Will it hurt?"

"The blood tests aren't anything you haven't had before for your sports physicals. The procedures, if you're a match, will be extremely painful. I wish I could tell you they won't be but I refuse to lie about it. You have to be okay with this because if you aren't, Hannah won't allow it. I've been tested but the doctor prefers a sibling. The twins are only half siblings so it's you and Grace. Doc doesn't want Grace to go through since she just had a baby. "

"You could force me to do it?"

"I could but it's your body and it is you that would have to endure the pain if you are a match. If I could endure the pain for you; I would."

"I know. If she doesn't have the surgery, she could die?"

"Yeah. And she has pretty well accepted it."

"But you can't?"

"No. And if it was any of you kids, I would be the same. I would fight it just as hard for you. I've lost one child and watching another suffer like she is is pure hell. If you are willing to at least get the tests, you will have to watch your sister have the chemo. Today, she projectile vomited into a trash can and her mouth is filled with sores from radiation that didn't work for her. It's hard."

"She looks terrible."

"Yeah, she does."

"I'm shocked that you aren't just forcing me to have the tests. I get an option."

"You do. It will come with costs to you. You have to be careful not to get injured the next several weeks and if you do have the bone marrow procedure, you'll have to take a couple weeks to recover. No sports or practices. I know Coach told you that you would be starting this fall."

"I don't think Coach will like it but Hannah is more important than being on the first string. And I really don't want to watch you go through all this. That's more of it. But can you meet with Coach? He's a bit of a hard…nose."

"Absolutely. Let's do the tests first to see if you are a match and then we'll go from there. I really appreciate this, Mattie. More than you will ever realize. I know you've been pretty upset with her due to the lack of contact. You are putting your personal feeling aside to help your sister."

"It's not only about Hannah. You're having a tough time with this."

"I am. But if you are a match and you have the procedure, I won't like watching you in pain any more than her. Can I ask you why?"

"Why?"

"Why you are fixating on me?"

"You've lost a lot and I'm the one that killed my mom. If I could somehow save Hannah's life then maybe I could make killing my first mom right."

"Mattie, you didn't kill your mom. She died because she lost too much blood. Granted, it was right after you were born but you didn't cause you're your mom would never, ever want you to think that and I definitely don't. If you think that you are deserving of any pain that you go through because of your mom; I won't let you have the procedure and Hannah will never allow for it. None of you kids deserve to be in pain and I promise, if you have the procedure; I will be as nervous about you as I am with Hannah. I can't lose you either. I know you think you're all grown up and it's not okay for me to say this but I don't really care; I love you, son. I love you so very much. And I am so proud of you. Not only because of this but because of the stand you're taking. You have made a point in that it's not just about Hannah. This illness has a ripple effect on our entire family."

"Dad, I've been kind of stupid. And I've really hurt you."

"How so?"

"Well, everyone says it's weird that we have such an affectionate family and it isn't normal that we hug and kiss each other like we do. I've kind of thrown a wrench into that and I'm sorry. I think maybe that's part of why I want to do this. I don't really know though. I do love you, Dad and I am sorry if I've made you think different. And please don't give me a hug right now, no one is paying attention to us and it would just make this weird."

"I won't hug you right now, but I will be hugging you soon. As far as what you're saying; it's actually kind of normal. I never wanted my dad to hug me when I was your age and I am sure at times it hurt him. You haven't been stupid, just normal for a kid your age. Just note, in this family we love hard because we tend to fight pretty hard. The love has to outweigh the fights. And right now, we are in the fight of our lives for your sister. So we have to love each other that much harder because we are all fighting pretty hard. Think of it as a football, baseball or basketball game. Your team is down and it's the last quarter or inning. You're at bat and if you hit the ball out of the park, you bring your people home and win the game, but if you don't hit the ball, you may lose the game. In this case, we may lose your sister. No pressure, but you are at bat on this one if you are her match."

"That makes sense. And a baseball analogy? I'm just proud that you didn't throw the Cubs into that. That would have totally screwed it up."

"I am just proud that you know what an analogy is. You've been listening in school."

"I had to get my English grade up, remember?"

"Yes, I do. And you did."

Mike squeezed Mattie's shoulder and stroked the side of the boy's face. Hannah smiled over at him and Polly winked at him. Hannah had ate all of her food and seemed to be holding it down. Polly had made her favorite cherry pie for dessert with homemade whipped topping. Hannah ate all of her piece and part of Mike's. He just prayed that the food was doing her some good. Doc had told them her labs were better and Mike hoped they were on the upswing.

As he and Polly got ready for bed that night, Mike picked up the Bucket List notebook to read in bed. Polly was reading her very tattered Bible as she did every night. Mike would be taking Hannah to buy her a new one very soon. Rather Hannah made it or not, they were going to go through the bucket list. Polly put her Bible down and kissed him. She laid on his chest so that she could read it at the same time.

 _-Find Sam someone new.—_

 _-Test drive a new Ford Mustang-_

 _-Take the kids to a candy store, and buy them anything they want, and then let Mom and Daddy deal with them—_

 _-Help Daddy fix things with Matty-_

 _-Organize a luncheon for area veterans—_

 _-Organize a get together of all the Nathan James crew—_

 _-Set up a scholarship for someone to go to Camp Wonder who couldn't normally go due to finances—_

 _-Buy a new TV for the Veteran's Home-_

 _-Ride a motorcycle—_

 _-I really want to go skydiving—_

 _-Write birthday letters for Mikey and Hope for until they're 18 and then for their wedding day and graduations—_

 _-Pay for a honeymoon for Grace and Ryan since they didn't get to go on a real one—_

Mike and Polly were both laughing and crying at the same time. Most of what Hannah wanted wasn't even for her and some of it was stuff only she could do. Some of it was easy and practical, other things would take coordination but Mike was determined to help her achieve every single thing on the list. Polly had read the first part of the list and nodded at Mike. They were in complete agreement as to what they would be doing to accomplish the list for their dying child.


	6. Chapter 6

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 6

Mike only knew one person with a motorcycle and it meant that he would have to eat a piece of humble pie for Hannah. Tom had the bike and Mike trusted him to take Hannah. They hadn't talked a lot since Hannah had broken off her engagement to Sam and essentially broke his heart. Mike had been embarrassed by her behavior and had no explanation for it when he was asked. He slipped out of the house before Hannah woke up and drove over to Tom's. Thankfully Tom was outside watering some flowers.

"Hey, long time. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I hadn't come around because of the deal with Hannah. Wasn't quite sure what you felt about it."

"The problem I have isn't with you. It's with Hannah. Sam is pretty upset. They've dated for years and she said no multiple times when he asked to marry her, when she did finally say yes and got his hopes up, she broke it off a month later. No excuse for that. I get that she's your kid and you love her but she really hurt my kid and I love him."

"She has her reasons and it's not what you think."

"Mike, I get that you want to defend her but…"

"She was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia six weeks ago. Her chances aren't good and she broke up with Sam because she wanted to protect him from watching her die. She also didn't tell her family. Her whole theory was that she would go off and die alone and some priest from the hospital would call me after. Save us from having to care for her and watch her die."

"Oh, God. I'm sorry, Mike. I shouldn't have said those things."

"It's okay. I understand. I was hurt by her actions too. But now I am dealing with the fact that my daughter has a bucket list and that she wants me to read her notes for her funeral. I can't quite do that."

"Is there anything that can be done?"

"Well, I'm going through testing for a stem cell transplant and I have to take Mattie in for testing for his bone marrow next week. Grace can't donate because she just had the baby. No guarantee Mattie is a match and the doctor has given her six months. Leads me to that bucket list and why I'm here."

"Okay?"

"She wants to ride a motorcycle. And I only know one person with one and you are the only person I would trust to take her. I know you are pretty angry with her and I can find someone else, I'm sure but it would mean a lot to me if you would take her."

"I'll be there after lunch. How are you?"

"You have no idea how hard this is and I hope to God you never find out. Reading her bucket list and knowing there is a huge possibility I'll lose her has me more scared than I have ever been. Even more so than when we found out about the Red Flu. She's incredibly brave and she's still fighting but she's also accepted that she is dying. And I have Mattie who blames himself for his mom dying and thinking that if he doesn't match Hannah and she dies, it's his fault."

"Poor kid. I hope he matches. He'll go through hell though."

"He thinks it's his punishment since Christine died giving birth to him."

"Wow. So what are you doing today?"

"Buying a brand new Ford Mustang convertible. Hannah wanted to test drive one and my wife has also always wanted to drive one so we decided to just buy it. I also have to go skydiving."

"Today? You're day is going to be full."

"No, but I need to find a place. She also wants to set up a reunion for the Nathan James."

"We are at the 13th anniversary. We should."

"I was thinking the same thing. You think everyone would come here?"

"Maybe. I'll call Master Chief and Garnett. See what we can make happen. What an odd request."

"You have no idea. She also wants to take the kids to a candy store, buy them anything they want and then let me and Polly deal with it."

"That's hilarious. I would pay to watch that show."

"If I didn't have to clean up all the vomit I would pay for it too. But then I have gotten really good at cleaning vomit up the past three days. Hannah projectile vomited into a trash can yesterday. I was a little proud of her."

"That she got it into the trash can?"

"Yep. Thankfully it didn't hit her doctor's shoes too. But I think he's dealt with it before. His daughter died from the same type of leukemia."

"Well, he knows what is at stake. What do you want me to tell Sam? He's away at a college thing but if he gets wind that I took Hannah out, he'll have a million questions. He misses her."

"If the truth were known, she misses him too. On her bucket list, she wants to find him someone new. I'm having trouble helping her with that one. I have no idea on what to tell him. I don't like you being in the middle on this one and that is exactly what I'm doing to you but I have no idea how to tell him and Hannah won't. We have kept the circle pretty small on who knows but it's only a matter of time. I would say we would just invite Sam over for supper or something and let the chips fall. But on the other hand, I can't afford to make her mad right now and she has a bit of a temper when she's in pain."

"I'll figure it out but Sam will want to help her."

"I would expect nothing less."

"Just concentrate on your kid and I will take care of the bike ride, the reunion and telling Sam."

"Works for me. Thank you, Tom. This means a lot."

"Well, I've known Hannah since she was a baby. Changed her diapers. If there is some sort of bone marrow drive; I'll get tested. I think a lot of people would. Matty is the most likely but it doesn't hurt to have more people tested. This isn't just your fight. And if she doesn't make it, it won't just be you all grieving."

"I know. You'd do that? I'm already having trouble asking her little brother go through that hell and you are volunteering to go through it and she isn't even a family member, at least not in a conventional sense?"

"You and I are practically brothers, so Hannah is practically my niece. Not to mention she had dated my son for eight years and they were engaged. She was almost my daughter in law. Okay, this conversation just started sounding strange…my niece was my daughter in law. Kind of sounds like you're family jungle."

"No joke. Imagine how Polly feels? Her nephew is her son in law and her grandkids are her great niece and nephew."

"Are you ever going to tell those kids that you married a woman you'd only known for a month?"

"Eventually but it's still one of my best decisions. She's been a rock. Hannah also wants to send us on another vacation."

"It doesn't hurt to have some one on one time with your wife. And right now you guys are in a struggle. A small vacation may help you regroup."

"I know but a terminally ill daughter, three kids under ten, two fourteen year old boys and Grace who is melting down over everything doesn't lend itself well to taking a weekend away."

"Well, the three younger ones and the two boys can stay here. I can't help much with Hannah and Grace. What's Grace's deal?"

"She isn't handling Ryan's deployment real well. I think she's feeling a little left behind. She's working, and I can't help much with the two kids right now. Plus she's a new home owner. Hope is teething and is colicky and Grace is just overwhelmed."

"Hard to imagine her being like that. She handled your deployments well and she's been through raising kids on her own."

"True. I had to tell her last night that she couldn't be a donor too. That really bothered her. I think she feels detached from everything. She has trouble stepping back from Hannah and Matty because she raised them until they were fourteen and five. We have to be careful with illnesses coming into the house and so it's Polly and I taking care of Hannah. She wants to be in the thick of things but she has two little ones of her own that need her full attention."

"I don't envy a spouse of a deployed service member. Any word when Ryan will be home?"

"No. He's been gone eight months and wasn't there for Hope's birth. I think Grace is a little angry about that too. She doesn't want to realize how hard it was for Ryan and he still hasn't gotten to meet his little girl. I was fortunate that I was there for all the births except for Matty and obviously Max and Gabby. It is not fun knowing that you have a child out there that you can't hold. And the connection that Ryan has with Hope will be a little different."

"I was there for mine too but missing gaps of their childhood is hellish. I realize how much I missed with Sam and Ashley given how much I've had with Jed and Nora. "

"Yep and I'm realizing how much I missed with Hannah especially right now. I have to face that everything she does maybe the last time. If things don't go well instead of seeing her become a teacher or walking her down the aisle to Sam; I maybe going to her funeral in a few months. But in a way, the illness is a blessing too. I have a lot of regrets where Lucas is concerned, mostly that I wasn't there when he died, but with Hannah, if she does die; I will be there, will be holding her as she dies. I'm not sure if it would make it easier or not. I wasn't there for Lucas' lasts but I was there for a lot of his firsts. With Hannah, I choose not to be there for her firsts but I will be there for her lasts. And I am making her bucket list happen even if she pulls through. One of the things she wants is some type of grave marker for Christine and Lucas. She wants to be buried next to it."

"Only you would see this as a blessing. It's morbid."

"It is kind of. I'd better be going. I will tell her you'll be there after lunch. Hopefully she's feeling okay and doesn't make it terribly awkward."

"Hannah make something awkward? Not her! She isn't her father's daughter or anything."

"She has her moments. Thank you again. This does mean a lot."

"It isn't a problem."

Mike got back in his truck and headed back to his house. Polly was just getting back from taking their kids to school and they met in the driveway to kiss. She had taken the morning off to deal with the car and told Hannah that she and Mike were taking it back. Hannah had seemed slightly saddened but was working on something and didn't pay them much attention when they came in. Polly got their financial paperwork together as Mike spoke to Hannah about her motorcycle ride.

"So, I arranged for you to have your motorcycle ride this afternoon. Tom will be here after lunch."

"Dad…"

"Sissy, he's known you since you were a baby. He is upset about you breaking it off with Sam the way you did but he wants to help you and even volunteered to have his bone marrow checked. You are going to have to face Sam at some point because I am not asking Tom to withhold this from his son. I understand your reasoning to a point for doing what you did where Sam is concerned but Sam doesn't because he doesn't know and he has some choice in the matter."

"I guess."

"No, Sis, I know. I get that this piece of humble pie is going to taste a little gross but you have to eat a big helping of it and to a point, I'm sharing it with you."

"I just don't know what I'm going to say to him."

"I don't know. I am sure you'll figure it out though. Mom and I will be back in a couple hours. Call if you need anything. Maggie is off today and Tom is right next door so call them if you need something immediate. I love you."

"I love you too."

Mike bent down and kissed her on the cheek. She was looking at granite grave markers on her IPad and he felt a buildup of emotion. If it wasn't for her; it was for Christine and Lucas which made him think of all the "what if's" especially where Lucas was concerned. He'd be nineteen soon and Mike was not looking forward to his upcoming birthday. The kids liked to mark it with a birthday cake which Mike always dreaded and usually ended up with him crying like a baby. Polly had gone outside already and Mike walked out. She must have seen the unshed tears in his eyes and immediately pulled him into a hug.

"What's wrong? Is it this stuff with Hannah?"

"Yes and no. She's looking up headstones for her memorial to Christine and Lucas. Made me realize his birthday is coming up and you know how I get around that day."

"I do. It's a pretty emotional time right now and we can avoid a birthday party for him? I'll make an excuse to the kids."

"Let me think about it? Grace and Hannah both like to do it. The other kids didn't know Lucas and so the day really doesn't mean anything to them."

"You should tell them how much the day and especially the party bothers you, especially right now. He was your son."

"And their brother. And having Matty's birthday and the anniversary of Christine's death is just two days before so he's going to be a mess."

"Mike, it's not the girls that have to hold you after because of how much you miss him. I never mind doing it but I also hate seeing you cry like that. We can just choose to not mark his birthday this year. "

"Does it bother you to mark it? It can't be easy to watch us grieve for a person you didn't know. We kind of do the same for Christine and I'm sure that gets to you too."

"Celebrating his birth doesn't bother me. What bothers me is how much you hurt as a result of it. I am afraid that if we don't do it this year, it will be easy to not celebrate it year after year. The younger kids need to know about their brother but you are already hurting because of Hannah. Adding the cake and party may hurt too much. As far as Christine is concerned, she was Grace, Hannah, and Matty's mother. Albeit, Matty didn't get to know her but she is still his mom. She was also your wife for a lot of years, the love of your life. I'm the second wife. I have to accept that she will always play a role in your life and I really don't mind it because I got some amazing people because of her."

"You may not be Matty's birth mom but the boy adores you. You are the one that has held him when he's upset or hurt, fixed his favorite foods, bandaged his skinned knees and a hundred other things. You are his mom. As far as Hannah and Grace? You are also their mom. You coached Grace through Hope's birth and Hannah relies on you a lot. And me? I've been really lucky in that I've had two amazing and beautiful wives. You are the second but it doesn't mean I love you any less than I loved Christine. The love is different and more mature but it's every bit as intense. Don't downplay your role in our lives because I would not be getting through this if it wasn't for you. I'm seeking you out for your wisdom and guidance. And I also know with you, I don't have to be strong like I do have to be with the kids. If I need to hole up in our bedroom and cry; you understand. You'll hold me and just let me go through what I need to and I need that, babe. I love you."

"Thanks, babe. I love you too. Remember Lucas' birthday right after the custody case for Max? You and I were fighting like cats and dogs. Hannah was right there."

"I do. I have no idea why I keep remembering stuff from that period in our lives, though? It's odd."

"Not really, I'm just glad we got past it. As much as I didn't want a divorce; I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel but you could and Hannah forced us down the tunnel."

"She sure did. We'd better get going. Be careful because this thing really is fast."

"That's what I'm counting on. Don't try to keep up."

Mike kissed Polly again and jumped in his truck. Before he got to end of their driveway; she was at the end of their county road and Mike couldn't imagine how she would be on the straight stretches. Being alone in the truck made him remember the birthday that Polly had been talking about. It had been a hard year.

 _They had finally got the kids settled down and in their beds. The sugary birthday cake that Hannah had made for Lucas' birthday had hyped them up and Mike was sitting at the end of the bed in the spare room. In years before; Polly would hold him as he broke down after the birthday party. This year, though, they were sleeping in their separate rooms because of the issues between them. Mike missed his wife. He needed her strength and touch. But he also knew he couldn't seek her out because she was still mad at him. She had accused him of killing the man that had raped her and tried to get custody of the son that has resulted because of the attack. He had contacted the attorney wanting visitation with Max so it substiated Mike's claims that he hadn't killed him but it left him and Polly in a stalemate and Mike was scared he would end up divorced._

 _As he sit at the end of the bed and was sobbing because of Lucas; Polly stood outside the door. She wanted to go in and hold him. She knew what he needed._ _Listening to him made her heart hurt. Hannah was sending them to the Bahamas to try and fix things but Polly still felt weird about everything and there was no way Mike would just forgive her. He had been really hurt by her accusations._

 _"Mom, I know Dad has a rough time after Lucas' birthday party every year. He needs you. Us kids can't help him."_

 _"Hannah, I said somethings that I'm not sure your dad can forgive. Yes, I want to help him but this is a huge mountain."_

 _"Well, you need to start climbing and I'll help you."_

 _Hannah had gently pushed Polly into the spare room and then walked away. Mike had his head in his hands and Polly's heart broke for him. She wasn't sure what to do but she sit down next to him on the bed and pulled him to where his head was resting on her chest. She could feel the tears soaking through her shirt. It made her heart break even more._

 _"Just let it out, Mike."_

 _"You're here?"_

 _"Yeah. I knew how hard this is for you and you didn't need to be alone. You won't break like this around one of the kids."_

 _"I shouldn't be breaking down like this period."_

 _"You're entitled. He was your son. A piece of your heart. He deserves to be grieved for and remembered."_

 _"It's been ten years. Why does it still hurt so badly?"_

 _"Because you love him. You are seeing Matty and Max do things that Lucas never got the opportunity to do. They are older than what Lucas was when he died and Tommy and Rebecca are nearing the same age he was when he died. You can't help but to think of all the 'what if's.'"_

 _"I still shouldn't be doing this to you. You shouldn't have to witness this year after year."_

 _"Despite all the issues and fights; I am still your wife. When I was so terrified of losing Max; you helped me, held me like this. When I am weak, you are strong. And when you're weak, it's only right that I'm strong for you."_

 _"I appreciate it but I am still shocked you're in here. I wanted you and needed you but I didn't think it was even possible because of everything."_

 _"Mike, I wanted to be in here. I didn't have the courage to walk in on my own. I was afraid that you would reject me because of what I said. I know I hurt you and you just can't quite forgive me for it. Hannah came up behind me and pushed me in here. As much as I wanted to be in here; I don't think I could have done it on my own."_

Mike snapped back into reality as he came up to a stoplight. Polly was miles ahead of him. If anyone was responsible for putting the pieces of his broken marriage together; it was Hannah. Without her, they wouldn't have gotten past their stubborn pride and he and Polly would have been miserable. Neither of them would file for divorce but their marriage was shattered. They just didn't know how to fix it. Their nineteen year old daughter did though. Mike didn't want to think what his family or his life would be like without Hannah. She was the heart and soul, their peacemaker and she kept them laughing with her craziness. Even if she wasn't willing to fight, he had to fight for her. Without Hannah, his family would disintegrate.


	7. Chapter 7

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 7

The car lot owner had gotten them the Mustang at a bargain basement price. He basically was not making anything from it. Mike and Polly promised him that they would be buying all their vehicles from there on out. Since both of them tended to run a vehicle until the wheels were falling off, the owner really wasn't getting much of a deal. Mike was planning on finding some sort of classic vehicle for Matty and Max and restoring it. In any case, they were the proud owners of a brand new, cherry red Ford Mustang convertible. Mike just hoped that Hannah would live long enough to really enjoy it. If she didn't, he would have to sell it.

Mike and Polly made it home just in time for lunch. She had to go to work at the church that afternoon and Grace had called panicking about a problem with her water heater. She hadn't slept because Hope had been up all night cutting teeth and had started crying while she was on the phone with Mike. He assured her that as soon as he saw Hannah off, he would come to her house. He had already decided to bring Hope back to his house with him. Mikey was at his preschool and if necessary, he would bring him home with him so that Grace would get a night of sleep. Hannah had been in tears when Polly pulled in with the Mustang and had given both her parents a huge hug.

Thankfully, things weren't terribly awkward between Tom and Hannah. Tom had brought a helmet and Sasha's leather jacket. She was still feeling pretty well and they would be gone for a few hours. Mike knew that Tom would keep Hannah completely safe but he was still worried about her and made him promise to call if there were any issues.

As soon as he got out of his truck in Grace's driveway he could hear Hope crying. Ryan and Grace had bought a cute Craftsman style bungalow. It worked perfectly for their little family but it was also a complete fixer upper. That in itself wouldn't be so bad but without Ryan being there, the home repairs fell on Mike which ordinarily he didn't mind but with Hannah being sick, things were piling up on him. He walked in the front door and noticed how cluttered Grace's living room was. She typically kept things pretty tidy. He followed the sound of the crying to Hope's nursery. Grace looked like she hadn't slept in three days and maybe hadn't taken a shower in as long. It reminded Mike a lot of what Christine would look like when the kids were small and he got home from deployment. Hope was in her crib and Grace was standing next to it trying to sooth her.

"How's Gampa's girl? Is Mommy being mean and making you take a nap?"

"I was hoping she would take one before Mikey was due home so I could get a power nap. She has other ideas. She's fighting her sleep."

"How about this? You're frustrated and she knows it. Go in, lay down. I'll get her to sleep and fix the water heater. When Mikey gets home, I'll take them both with me. I'll take your Explorer and when you are fully rested, you can bring my truck back."

"But, Dad…she's so fussy."

"I've had eight kids. I've dealt with a fussy baby and a busy three year old. The biggest reason she is fussy is because you are tired and she knows it. Now, go. I got this."

"And I raised two of those kids if you remember correctly. Don't talk to me like I'm stupid."

"I'm not. I am saying it because I love you and I love Mikey and Hope. You need to rest. And I am all too aware that you raised Hannah and Matty. Bringing it up all the time hurts me. I get that I was a bad father and I am trying to rectify it by being a better dad now and a better grandpa. Now, go before you say something that you'll regret. Don't worry about the kids."

"They are my kids."

"Yes, and they need you to take a break. And you are my kid. I'm not arguing with you. I won't take them but if I don't, you won't be getting any sleep and you'll be miserable."

"Fine! Take them. Don't you have enough on your plate? You won't let me help with Hannah and…"

"Grace, bed, now."

"I'm not a…"

"Grace, this baby is not going to fall asleep like this. Mikey is due home in an hour and it will take me a bit to get the water heater fixed. I need her to go to sleep so I can fix it. She is feeling the tension and is upset. I don't want to see you until you've had at least eight hours of sleep. I am saying this in love."

"But, Hannah?"

"She will be thrilled to see her niece and nephew. She's having a good day and we don't know how many we have left so she will want to enjoy them."

"I guess I could use some sleep. My head is exploding."

"Migraine?"

"Not quite but getting there. Hope didn't sleep at all last night until about four and I had just gotten to sleep when Ryan called. He got the time zones messed up again. I wish he would just figure them out."

"It's not easy to keep track of it."

"You'd think though…"

"Grace, I get that you're tired and missing Ryan. You are also frustrated because you are shouldering all this on your own but I can guarantee, he isn't having a good time. He misses his wife and kids. He has a daughter he hasn't even met or held and he worries about the bond he is going to have with her. Ease up on him. He calls because he is worried. Did you tell him about Hannah?"

"Yeah. He's going to try and keep home earlier freeing me up to help. I should be taking care of her."

"Polly and I have that covered but when he gets home, she wants a girl's weekend with you and you need it too. She also wants a family vacation. I don't know where but it's going to happen."

"What's with all these wants?"

"She has a bucket list. Your sister has accepted that she is dying. She's still fighting and hopefully Matty or I will be a match for her but we are still ticking items off the list. Most of it isn't even for her."

"That's morbid."

"It is but if she does die, I will want her to be happy and I know she will be if she accomplishes this."

"You've accepted it too?"

"Yes and no. I will never fully accept it. She's my daughter. I'm fighting to keep her alive but I also know that it will be easier for Hannah if I go along with this. And maybe if she does die, it will make it easier for me. I think that is what she's trying to accomplish."

"Still morbid."

"I agree but do your sister a favor and go along with it. Go in and go to sleep and stop worrying. That's my job."

"Okay. I guess I'll call you when I wake up? Just leave your truck and take mine since I have the car seats. Keys are on the table by the door."

"Okay, I'll leave mine there. I love you."

"Love you too."

Mike kissed the top of Grace's head and watched her walk into her own bedroom. She looked exhausted. He had been holding Hope the entire time and had been rocking and swaying back forth with her. She had fallen asleep in his arms as he expected she would. She just needed someone who wasn't as tired and frustrated. Mike laid her back in her crib and went to the water heater in Grace's laundry room. The pilot just needed to be relit. It took him less than five minutes and he changed a light bulb and caulked the kitchen window, waiting on his grandson. At two thirty, he met Mikey at the curb when he was dropped off by the preschool van. The little boy jumped into his arms. He reminded him a lot of Lucas at that age, which caused Mike's heart to ache.

"Gampa! You're 'ere! Where Mommy?"

"Your mommy is sleeping. You and Hope are coming out to my house for the evening. Guess who's there?"

"Who?"

"Aunt Hannah. You were sleeping the other day when your mom took you home so you didn't see her. But Mikey, Aunt Hannah is really sick and her hair is all gone. Gamma gave her some scarves to wear but you might see her without one."

"You need to take 'er to the 'octor, Gampa. They'll give 'er nasty medicine."

"They already are. She'll be so happy to see you and Hope. She's missed you. Let's go inside but be quiet so we don't wake Mommy up, okay?"

"Otay! Where's 'Ope?"

"She's sleeping too."

"She didn't 'eep last 'ight. Can we 'tay the 'ight wid you and Gamma?"

"Maybe. Your mommy might miss you though."

"She 'eeds to 'eep. If we do, can I 'eep in your bed wid you and Gamma? Nana and 'apa let me 'eep wid dem."

"I imagine so, but you're mommy might want you back. Your Uncle Matty loved sleeping in my bed with me when he was little."

"He told me 'dat. He 'aid he 'isses it."

"He still could. Now, ssh. Let's get your sister. I have clothes for you guys at my house."

Mikey sat in the rocking chair in Hope's room while Mike got her diaper bag put together with extra formula, diapers, wipes and a couple sleepers in case they did stay the night. The little girl was sound asleep and Mike almost hated picking her up. He handed Mikey her favorite blanket that Ryan had sent for her, put the bag over his shoulder, picked Hope up, threw his keys on the table by the door and grabbed Grace's. Thankfully Hope didn't wake up when he sat her in her car seat and Mikey had gotten pretty good at securing himself in his own. As he had walked by Grace's bedroom door, he had looked in on her. She was sound asleep and even snoring a little. On the way home, he called Polly to let her know that he had acquired the kids.

 _"Hey, Babe."_

 _"Hey, everything okay?"_

 _"Yeah. I have Mikey and Hope. Grace had a borderline migraine and hadn't slept. Hope is teething and is colicky and was sensing her frustration. I had her asleep in five minutes."_

 _"Gampa's girl. Grace called me earlier and asked what we were doing for Lucas' birthday. I stalled. I think it made her mad."_

 _"Why?"_

 _"Well, she said that since I didn't know him, I didn't have an opinion in the matter. I just told her I would talk to you. It's up to you what we do."_

 _"Oh, that girl. You do have an opinion. You have to deal with the aftermath. I honestly don't know what I want to do. Everything is reminding me of Lucas right now. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. Grace threw in again that she had raised Hannah and Matty. Normally it doesn't bother me but today it cut like a knife."_

 _"You are sensitive this time of year anyway. You have Lucas' birthday and the anniversary of Christine's death close to each other. Not to mention, everything happening with Hannah. The bright side is that you and Matty seem to be doing better."_

 _"Except for the fact that he still blames himself for Christine's death and thinks if he is a match for Hannah and she makes it; it will somehow rectify that his birth is what killed her. And if he isn't the match or doesn't do this, he will be to blame for her death as well. I am scared for him."_

 _"I know, babe. Just be there for him. You are doing the right thing by letting him make a choice."_

 _"I suppose. I wish I had an answer about Lucas' birthday party. I am afraid that if we don't do it this year, it will be easy to find a reason not to do it in the future. I do want the younger kids to have some connection to Lucas. There are only four people alive in our circle that knew him. Me, Grace, Hannah and Tom."_

 _"I wish I had known him. It hurt when she said that."_

 _"I bet and I am sorry. What do you think is going on with her?"_

 _"Ryan being gone? Postpartum depression?"_

 _"Oh, wow. We can't fix Ryan being gone but what about the depression?"_

 _"I'll talk to her. I had some depression after Gabby was born. Single mom to two kids, widow. Then you came along and we were married a month later. It's hard to be depressed around you."_

 _"Except when it's Lucas' birthday and I bawl like a baby in your arms."_

 _"As much as I don't mind holding you, that kind of breakdown right now could really crack you. You need to be strong. I did do some looking on our vacation together. I don't feel comfortable going away too far or for too long so I was thinking of the place we spent our wedding night."_

 _"I like that idea. That place has some very fond memories. Very fond."_

 _"Get you head out of the gutter there, Mike. So, do you want me to make a reservation? Maybe two nights? Or do you want to talk to Hannah first and explain why we don't want to go further away?"_

 _"Probably ought to talk to her. Why two nights? We got a lot accomplished in one night there."_

 _"Again, in the gutter. You need the rest and you need the chance to breakdown. You won't do it at home around the kids this year."_

 _"I don't need to breakdown at all. I won't argue about the rest though. Or anything else you might have in mind."_

 _"We don't have to go away for that. Bedroom door locks, remember?"_

 _"Oh, I know. Mikey has his heart set on staying the night and sleeping in our bed."_

 _"That's a new one."_

 _"Blame your sister and her husband. Just pulling into the house."_

 _"Okay, I love you."_

 _"Love you, too."_

Both the kids had fallen asleep and so Mike was struggling with them because he didn't want to wake them up but couldn't hold them both. Fortunately Tom and Hannah pulled in on the bike as he was trying to get Mikey situationed so he get Hope. Hannah was grinning from ear to ear. Mike wasn't sure if it had to do with the ride or to do with seeing the niece and nephew that she adored.

"How was the ride?"

"Great! I want to go again."

"Maybe next week, Sis."

"Okay, thanks, Uncle Tom. I'll get Hope, Daddy."

Tom seemed to want to talk to him so Mike stalled until Hannah got Hope inside. She had seemed a bit pale and it worried him. He knew she would want to play with baby and Mikey and it might rob her of her precious energy.

"So, what's on your mind?"

"She got sick. I headed her home as soon as she did."

"Sorry you had to deal with that."

"It's okay. Hannah didn't want me to tell you but I felt I needed to. I don't think she wants you to know when she's having a bad day."

"I think there will be few good days. Makes her bucket list harder."

"It does."

"Well, I had better get this boy inside. Thanks so much for taking her. It means a lot."

"I enjoyed it."

Tom went on his way and Mike took the still sleeping Mikey into his little bed. Hannah was sitting on the couch, holding Hope who was awake. She was making faces at her but something was amiss.

"You okay in there?"

"Can you come get her, Daddy? She's too heavy. I want to play with her but I can't hold her." Mike could hear the pain in Hannah's voice. It was heartbreaking because Hope was small, not even weighing fifteen pounds. Hannah adored the baby and to not even be able to hold her was really hurting her. Mike needed to do several things around the house but instead he sit down next to Hannah and took Hope so that Hannah could still play with her.

An hour later, Hannah had gotten quiet and Mike realized he was truly stuck because she had fallen asleep with her head on his chest and Hope was on the other side, also asleep. Mikey wondered out about the same time and climbed up beside Mike.

"I wen' in da potty, Gampa! Do I get a 'tar? 'Ommy 'aid if I got 'ive 'tars, I 'ould go to Nana's and 'et ice ceam."

"I will tell your mom. How many stars do you have?"

"'Three! I 'ent at 'chool too an' my 'eacher put a note in my 'ag."

"If you have three already; you went once here and once at school, how many does that make?" The little boy was counting on his fingers like it was the biggest mystery in the world. As dark and gloomy as things were, his smiles were really lighting things up for Mike.

"'IVE! Gampa, I went potty 'ive times! Do I 'et my ice ceam now?"

"How about I pick you up tomorrow from school and take you? Just you and me?"

"Can 'ncle 'atty come to? I 'ike him. Hims a big boy."

"What about Uncle Max?"

"He otay too."

"Do you want both of them or just Uncle Matty?"

"Will 'ncle 'ax be upset if he don't get ice ceam?"

"Maybe, Uncle Max loves you as much as Uncle Matty does."

"Otay. I luf dem both. I wanna be a big boy like dem."

"You will be someday. I wish they were still as little as you though. I didn't know them then though."

"Did 'ou know my 'ommy den?"

"I did. And Aunt Hannah too. I also knew Gabby, Rebecca and Tommy then too."

"But not Uncle Matty?"

"Nope. I wish I did."

"I 'dink he 'ishes 'ou did too. How 'ig was Uncle 'Atty when you met him?"

"Almost six. Your mommy took care of him until then."

"What 'appened to 'is mommy?"

"Gamma is his mom but his first mom went to heaven right after Uncle Matty was born."

"Him has two mommies?"

"One in heaven and one here. The one in heaven was also your grandma because she was your mom's mom."

"'Ommy said she would 'ove me. What was she 'ike?"

"She would have. Your Grandma Christine was like your Aunt Hannah. Really happy all the time, loved helping people. She was a really good mom and I bet she would have been a good grandma."

"'Ommy showed me a 'icture of her. She was really pretty. But 'ommy and Gamma is prettier."

"Only because you know them."

"Who do you 'ink is prettier?"

"I think they are all pretty. Why all these questions?"

"I 'ink dere is a 'irl in my 'chool who's prettier than 'ommy."

"Oh, boy."

"She my friend and she 'issed me today!" Mike could hear Hannah laughing into his chest. She had apparently woke up and was listening to the very funny conversation. It made Mike wish that Ryan was there to have the conversation with his son.

"Where'd she kiss you at, Mikey?"

"My 'eeks. I saw Gamma kiss you on da lips. That was yucky!"

"I like it when she does that. And it's okay since we are married. We can do that."

"But 'ot me and Chloe?"

"Exactly. You are too young to be kissing on girls. I'm really old and Gamma is my wife."

"Otay. I'm gonna go play."

"Okay." Mikey jumped off the couch and onto the floor where Polly kept some toys. Hannah eased herself off his chest and smiled at him. She was even paler but she seemed happy.

"That was hilarious. Sorry I fell asleep like that."

"I can't say I minded. Anytime you need to do that, I'm here. You feel okay?"

"Just totally wore out. I was going to the gym every day before this and now I can't even hold my niece. It's depressing."

"I bet so. So, Mom and I were talking about your bucket list. We don't want to go too far away and we don't want to be gone that long. We're thinking of going to the place we went to after our wedding for a night or two. And we'll pay for it."

"Okay. I won't argue. I feel bad; I don't think I can make Lucas' this year either. I hate to ask Polly or Grace to do it."

"We…okay, this…I have a lot of trouble around Lucas' birthday. I get through the party but after…I'm not exactly proud of this, I cry like a baby. It hurts to cut the cake because I'm not cutting a piece for Lucas, not seeing him grow another year older or hitting all the milestones. Even the anniversary of his death doesn't hit me as hard as his birthday does. I end up crying myself sick, every year. Mom deals with it. We were thinking of not doing anything this year, with everything going on with you, all the emotions and fears are even closer to the surface. I will be very aware that it's Lucas' birthday but I still…I don't know."

"I know you have a lot of issues with it. I'm okay with skipping a year. Grace will be upset though. It's kind of been her thing, even when she was gone."

"I will explain it to her somehow. Are you sure you're okay with it? He was your brother."

"And your son. That's the bigger loss. Besides, my bedroom is across from yours. I've heard you. Use me as the excuse if you need to. I can fake a bad day."

"No, I will just tell her. She told Polly that since she didn't know Lucas, she didn't get an opinion in the matter and she keeps bringing up raising you and Matty."

"She's mad because you and Mom moved me in here with you all. She thinks it's her job to take care of me. I don't want anyone taking care of me but I would prefer it was you and Mom. I know that if Matty isn't the match, that I will die. As much as I didn't want you all having to witness this and having to take care of me, at the end, I think I would have wanted you. I have accepted what could happen and I am at peace with it but it is just so comforting to just sleep like I did earlier. She is also mad because I didn't tell anyone. I knew she was pretty overwhelmed with Ryan being gone and the kids. She needed to concentrate on them. They are her kids."

"And you are my kid. She may have raised the two of you but she took the step back when she and Ryan got married. I will take care of you, even if this ends in death. It's my job. I was a crappy father to you for a lot of years. Bad for the first nine years, gone for almost six, and making up for that in the last eight. Taking care of you is something I not only want to do but need to do. If you do die, it will mean I have spent every minute I could with you."

"Can I ask a question and you not get upset?"

"Sure?"

"If we hadn't fixed stuff all those years ago and we still had the rotten relationship, would you still feel this way? I'm not sure I am stating it correctly but I think you know what I mean?"

"I think so. Knee jerk, dad answer is yes. As I've said, I've always loved you. From the second, they put you in my arms. I definitely took you for granted and didn't bond with you. I would do the same but with a lot more regrets. If you don't make it and I am able to take care of you, make your bucket list happen, and spend every second I can with you, then I think, while it will still be hard to lose you, I will be more at peace. Just because I think that though doesn't mean that I am not gonna fight for you."

"I don't want you to have any regrets. Not for the first nine years either."

"I will regret that for the rest of my life. You deserved better than what I gave you."

"Dad, you weren't that bad. I never had to worry about being abused or neglected by you. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think I'm going to go lay down in my room. I'm just so tired. Sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'll keep the kids quiet and I'll wake you up for supper. I love you."

"I love you too. I just wish I could have more energy."

"Me too."

Mike kissed Hannah's cheek before she slowly stood up. It was like movement was a huge effort for her and it broke his heart. Mikey was quietly playing with his cars and Hope was awake in his arms, looking around. Mike looked down at her and she gave him a huge smile. She even looked a little like Hannah had when she was a baby and Mike was transported back twenty two years before when Hannah had been born.

 _"Here's your daughter, sir. She's a beauty. Perfect APGAR scores. We'll finish up with your wife."_

 _"Is she okay?"_

 _"Mike, I'm fine. They just have to finish up. Like they did with Grace. Concentrate on Hannah."_

 _Mike looked down at the beautiful baby. She had already smiled at him and showed her dimples off, with brown hair and eyes like Christine's. As much as he had wanted a boy, he was pretty thrilled with the beautiful baby. She had grasped his index finger with her hand. She wasn't crying like Grace did after she was born, just looking around in complete wonder at the world around her. He bent down and kissed her cheek which earned him another smile. They had gotten Christine cleaned up and she was ready to try to nurse the baby so he stood up to hand her over. The nurses and doctors had left and it was just Mike, Christine and the baby._

 _"You okay? I know you were pretty set on having a boy. Even though we didn't find out, I knew Hannah was going to be a girl. Maybe the next baby will be a boy?"_

 _"You just gave birth and you're already talking about another baby?"_

 _"I love being a mom. But you didn't answer my question."_

 _"I'm adjusting. Here, I think she's hungry."_

 _"I'm sorry, Mike."_

 _"You have nothing to be sorry for. It's the father that chooses the gender. You gave me a beautiful daughter. She looks like you."_

 _"Her looks will change. I'm worried about you."_

 _"I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I have to deploy in a few weeks and don't want to get too attached to her. It isn't good for me or her."_

 _"She needs a bond with her dad. When I get done nursing her, I want you to burp her, change her diaper and rock her to sleep."_

 _"Okay."_

Hope made a cooing noise which made him concentrate back on her and Polly had just pulled in with Matty, Max and the three younger kids. He met them at the door and indicated for them to be quiet. Polly gave him a kiss and tickled Hope's belly which caused her to giggle and lunge for Polly. Despite having her hands full, Polly managed to catch the baby and Rebecca jumped into Mike's arms.

"I love you, Daddy!"

"I love you too, Rebecca. Do I get kisses today?" Rebecca gave him a kiss and leaned her head into his shoulder. She was almost exactly like Hannah had been like at that age personality wise and Mike was completely in love with her. He loved having the bond with the amazing little girl that he had not had when her older sister was her age but it also made him wish he could go back and develop the same bond with Hannah.


	8. Chapter 8

I did some research but I may be off on the stem cell and bone marrow transplant. Please excuse if that is the case. Please review and enjoy.

 **Years and Memories**

Chapter 8

Mike could tell how scared Matty was. While Hannah slept through her chemo treatment, Doctor Grant had an appointment to assess Matty and to test to see if he was a possible bone marrow donor. Matty was the picture of health and Doctor Grant was hopeful. He explained the process to Mike, which in turn terrified him. Matty would be incredible pain. All of Mike's results were back and Doctor Grant would be using his stem cells to more or less beef up Hannah's immune system before doing the bone marrow transplant. There were complications where both Hannah and Matty were concerned, but the chances where Matty were concerned were greater. Infection being the most significant. Matty was absolutely determined to have the procedure but made Mike promise that if he was a match; they wouldn't tell Hannah about the concerns. If she knew that there were any fears where Matty was concerned, she would never consent to have the surgery. While they were still in the exam room with Doctor Grant, the nurse walked back in and nodded at Doc. Matty was a perfect match. As they were walking back to the chemo treatment room, Mike looked over at his very resolute fourteen year old and was completely humbled.

"Matty, you can object. You don't have to do this. You and I will be the only ones who would know." Mike had paused next to a window looking into a peaceful garden and Matty stood next to him.

"I want to, Dad." Matty was fidgeting with his ball cap that was in his hand.

"It'll be painful for you. Extreme pain. Pain like you've never experienced…" Mike was rubbing his hand over his face. He was exhausted and worried about both his kids.

"Yeah, but if Hannah dies, it's a whole different kind of pain. I don't want to see you go through that. And not trying to be selfish, I don't want to go through that. I want Hannah to have a long life so a little pain now isn't such a big deal."

"Matty, I appreciate it and I love you even more for it but I think you are downplaying this. You don't have anything to atone for." They had started walking towards the treatment room and Mike put his arm around Matty just keep them both at the same pace.

"Atone?"

"Make right. What you are trying to do because of your mom dying after your birth."

"Well, you're wrong about that…" Matty had paused again and was looking out the window again.

"Matty, no, I'm not. Your mom would never want you to think like this. You didn't know her but I did. She wouldn't want this for you because of her dying."

"I know. But I think I deserve it." Mike could hear that Matty was near tears and it was not like his normally tough as nails son. It made him hurt for Matty.

"No, son. You don't deserve this kind of pain that you are about to endure. No one deserves it. And I wish I could trade places with you."

"That stem cell thing doesn't sound pleasant either."

"Yours is worse."

"But you'll still talk to my coach? He was mad that I wouldn't tackle or be tackled at practice the other day. I ended up having to do thirty stadiums."

"Thirty? My God, Matty. You should have said something. I knew you were sore but…" Mike's voice was raising and they had started to walk back towards the treatment room. Mike was furious.

"Dad, I like football. It wasn't such a big deal."

"Matty, thirty stadiums in the heat is borderline abusive. Correct me if I'm wrong but that is when you have to sprint up the bleachers?"

"Yeah, and then fifty knee high's."

"Anything else?"

"Thirty pushups, thirty chin ups, and a hundred crunches, plus planking for ten minutes." Mike let out a huge breath. Even at his prime, he couldn't have done what Matty was talking about.

"No wonder you could barely move. Jeez, Matty. Why didn't you say something?"

"Because you are all stressed out about Hannah and I didn't want to cause problems. Coach says that I will be the first sophomore to be on the starting lineup and…" Matty was rambling and trying to distract Mike.

"And Dad says that it's just too much. That is in line with boot camp."

"It's not a biggie."

"It is if you have a heart attack or have a heat stroke. Then it's a huge deal to me."

"Will that slow down the bone marrow transplant?" Matty had a sudden worried look on his face and it almost made Mike smile.

"Yes, not to mention, it could kill you."

"Oh. We're back to Hannah. Please don't mention any of this to her?"

"I won't but I will be dealing with your coach."

"I figured that much." They were getting ready to walk into the treatment room and Matty wanted the subject dropped.

Mike and Matty walked into the treatment room and immediately heard Hannah vomiting into her plastic bin. Father Alex had stayed with her and was holding the bin for her while the nurse was administering an anti-nausea med that wouldn't work. Mike walked over and put an arm around Hannah and took the plastic bin from Father Alex. He looked up and saw the terrified look on Matty's face. Mike and Polly had kept Hannah's vomiting from the kids. They were scared enough of her exhaustion, lack of energy and bald head. Matty was being exposed to the worst aspect of Hannah's illness.

When Hannah finished vomiting for the time being she had lost all energy. They had another appointment with Doctor Grant just for her but Mike desperately wanted to get her home and in her own bed or on the couch. He asked the nurse if the appointment could be moved up so that he could get her home sooner. The nurse began making calls while Mike gently rubbed Hannah's back. There were times that even a comforting touch could bring Hannah a lot of pain which in turn caused Mike emotional pain. Matty had finally sat down but Mike could see the fear in his face. Father Alex had left and the nurse walked in.

"I'm going to get you unhooked from all this so you can go to your appointment. Doc is fitting you in. I'll get a wheelchair." The nurse had unhooked all the tubing and exited the curtained room as soon as she came in. Hannah currently had her head on Mike's chest and was crying softly.

"I don't want a wheelchair."

"Sissy, you can barely sit up. Walking will be too much." The nurse had come back in with the wheelchair and Hannah tried to stand up but couldn't seem to on her own and slumped back on the chair.

"I'll get an aide to help." The nurse started to walk out but Mike caught her. He would deal with it.

"I got her. No need." Mike picked his very thin and lightweight daughter up and sit her in the wheelchair.

"Alright, thank you. Doc has worked you in like I said, and her next Chemo appointment is Friday at ten am." Mike nodded at her and Mike and Matty exited the treatment room with Mike pushing the wheelchair and Matty walking beside him and Hannah. Matty had grown very quiet and it worried Mike. His birthday was that Friday but Matty refused to celebrate it. He had requested no party or presents and didn't want his birthday acknowledged about five years before. Mike and Polly made a big deal out of their kid's birthdays but with Matty his birthday was also the anniversary of Christine's death. With not celebrating Lucas' birthday two days later; Mike was at a total loss. And Grace was livid about not celebrating either day. Polly had decided to fix Matty's favorite food and pie Friday evening and Mike had been storing a classic car that was mechanically sound but needed a ton of body work. A project that Mike intended on doing with Matty. The car, a 1970 Mercury Cyclone Boss, had seen better days and Tom currently was holding onto it for Mike. Aside from Mike, Polly and Tom, no one knew of the surprise. They finally got to the exam room and Mike just left Hannah, who was half asleep, in the wheelchair. Mike and Matty took the chairs that were crowded close together. Matty had pulled his car magazine out and was looking at a picture of the same type of car that Mike was surprising him with.

"Nice car, son." Mike was looking over his shoulder at the magazine.

"Yeah, it is. I don't like that orange though."

"If you had a car like that, what color would you have it?"

"Black. Just plain black. Not sure on interior though. I kind of like the cream color."

"Black interior would be nice too."

"Yeah. Oh well, kind of a pipe dream."

"Ah, you never know. I bet your sister never thought that she would be the owner of a brand new Ford Mustang convertible."

"True." Matty closed the magazine as Doctor Grant walked back in. Mike gently shook Hannah awake and Doc moved the trash can closer so if she vomited, it would be next to her.

"Alright. We have to push Hannah into remission, so things are going to be rough. We are going back to the radiation and a higher dose of chemo. Once she's in remission, then we can do the stem cell transplant. This higher dose for Hannah is to completely destroy her bone marrow, so when we give her Matty's bone marrow, her immune system will not more or less reject it. The next few weeks are absolutely critical. She cannot be exposed to even a common cold. I realize she has younger siblings and nieces and nephews. If they start getting ill, immediately quarantine them. It would also be a good idea, for you and Matty to also not get ill. Your healthy stem cells and Matty's healthy bone marrow will work together to completely destroy the leukemia. Remission sounds good but it's just the eye of the storm at this point."

"What are the risks for Matty?" Hannah was awake enough to contribute to the conversation and Doc nodded at Mike. He was in agreement that if Hannah knew if Matty was in danger; she would refuse the procedures altogether."

"Almost none. Of course there are risks with any procedure but this is very minimal. Aside from having a sore hip for a day or so, Matty will be back to normal in no time at all. And we will give him plenty of happy medicine to help with the sore hip."

"And Dad?"

"Again very minimal. His procedure will be easy. Typically we like to go with a sibling for stem cells as well but the specific tissue type that you need, your dad is a perfect match for. Normally parents are not that good of a match but since he is, we are going with him. I know this all seems really complicated and I won't bore you all with the details. Just know, your dad is a perfect match allele wise for you and your brother is a perfect match for bone marrow. They are in very minimal danger. The biggest concern is the immunosuppressive medications that you will have to take along with the chemo. Admiral Slattery, we will do your donation next Wednesday. I do suggest that you have an adult driver with you. I am prescribing you Granulocyte colony-stimulating factor, which will boost your stem cells. As I described earlier, we will take a large amount of blood out of one arm, run it through this machine which takes your white blood cells out and then a needle will put you red blood cells back into your body through another sterile needle. Very little pain. Just a large blood donation. You may feel a bit iffy." Hannah's eyes had widened and even Matty looked a little off put. Mike's aversion to blood work for himself was well known in their family. And it wouldn't be discussed in front of the doctor.

"Sounds good. I will have my wife come with. What about Matty's procedure?"

"We will collect that at a later point. Closer to when Hannah's ready. The stem cells can be stored."

"Perfect." Doctor Grant nodded. Hannah started to stand up but Doctor Grant stopped her.

"Hannah, how about you take the wheelchair home with you? You are going to be feeling pretty lousy and walking maybe a chore. I would rather you didn't wear yourself out walking."

"Okay." Doc nodded at Mike and they headed out the door. As they walked by a printer, Doc handed him a folder of literature for himself, Matty and Hannah. It was extremely overwhelming. Doc gave Matty a bag of medication for all of them. Their pharmacy didn't carry most of the meds that they would all need and so the treatment facility supplied them. The nurse gave them paperwork with a list of Hannah's appointments and Mike's appointment. At that point, Matty's was unknown. They finally made it out of the doctor's office and Mike heard Matty's stomach growl.

"You hungry or something, there Matty?"

"Yeah, I'm starving but I can eat when we get home. Hannah is exhausted."

"No, I'm hungry. I want a cheeseburger and tater tots and a big salad and…"

"Okay, we'll stop. But how is your stomach?"

"Good. Just no energy but I'm starving. Course, Dad, barbeque sounds good. Remember that place you took me too?"

"I am not taking you or your brother to a bar. Not happening." They were walking to the truck and Matty looked intrigued.

"Bar?"

"Yeah. When I first got back and found you guys, I took Hannah out for the day. She told me she wanted barbeque which is my favorite food. Your mom would always take me out for barbeque on special occasions. I found this place on my phone and didn't realize I was taking my fourteen year old daughter to a bar. Thankfully it wasn't busy there."

"I don't know, Dad. I'm thinking I want to go back there. Maybe even dancing?"

"Sis, you don't have energy to walk. I don't think dancing is going to happen. Besides, you are of age, but Matty is not. And Polly will kill me if I take the two of you to a bar."

"What she doesn't know…"

"I don't keep secrets from my wife." They had gotten to the truck and Mike had to lift Hannah into the passenger front seat. Matty had gotten quiet again since Mike had mentioned their mom and seemed very downcast. Mike would love to be able to read his mind. After depositing the wheelchair in the back of the truck and they were all in the truck, they had to decide where lunch would be.

"Okay, so tell her. It's a restaurant that serves barbeque. There just happens to be a bar in it. Sam and I went there several times. We don't have to drink."

"I haven't drunk a drop in eight years and there is no way your stomach would handle it. I suppose we could go." Mike started the truck and looked back in the rear view mirror. Matty was still quiet and Mike thought he saw a tear rolling down his cheek. He decided not to call attention to it but it worried him.

Mike found the barbeque place fairly easily. Thankfully it wasn't crowded at all and Mike found a secluded table where people wouldn't judge him bringing his underage son and sick daughter to a bar. Matty was still pretty quiet and only spoke when he was giving the waitress his order. Hannah was starting to feel slightly better and when she excused herself to go to the restroom; Mike took the small opportunity to Matty.

"You okay? You got really quiet when I mentioned going to eat barbeque with your mom."

"I'm okay." Matty was fidgeting with the paper off his straw and Mike finally took it away from him.

"Matty, I know you better than anyone. And there is something drastically wrong. I just don't know what it is. Every time your mom is mentioned; you get like this. She is a part of our lives, Matty. I refuse not to talk about her. It's healthy and needed. Just as it is with Lucas."

"You and Grace and Hannah have things to talk about her and Lucas. And it's like I'm caught between two families and I don't know which one I belong in."

"It's the same family. I just got remarried and Polly loves you exactly like she loves the four kids she gave birth to. You belong here." Mike pointed at his own heart. He was having trouble articulating exactly what he wanted to say to Matty and Hannah came back to the table. Matty had pretty well shut down again. Polly was better at dealing with the more emotional aspects where the kids were concerned but Mike knew that Matty wouldn't go to her. He loved Polly and he wouldn't want to ostracize her.

Their food arrived and thankfully Hannah was feeling well enough to eat. Their conversation was pretty light and happy, discussing Mike and Hannah going skydiving and his and Polly's upcoming weekend away. Matty was still unusually quiet and even Hannah was picking up on his vibe. Despite not feeling particularly energetic, she was trying to uplift Matty; to no avail.

The trip home was quiet because Hannah was asleep in the backseat and Matty was staring out the passenger side window. Mike was again drawn back to when he and Polly were having so much trouble to the birthday that Matty refused to celebrate three years before.

 _"Mike, I know Matty said no party this year but I don't feel right about it. I'm fixing his spaghetti and chocolate pie tonight. I hope that's okay."_

 _"It's fine. We need to mark the day in some way even if he doesn't want us to." The kids were all at school and for a change Mike and Polly were not arguing. They were just enjoying a cup of coffee before they went on their ways._

 _"He doesn't feel right celebrating the day he was born when it was also the day his mom died."_

 _"You're his mom." Mike turned towards her and squeezed her hand. For a change Polly didn't draw back._

 _"Thanks, but not biologically. It hasn't ever mattered to me. I love him no differently than I love the kids I gave birth to but to Matty, this is the one day out of the year that he just doesn't cope. We have to respect that. It's a huge weight to bear. To know that his own mother died giving birth to him. Never got to hold him or really know him. I can't imagine it."_

 _"He feels guilty." It was a familiar story and conversation and one that happened every year._

 _"He told me this in confidence last night. He was adamant I not tell you but I don't feel right about it. He said that if she had lived and he didn't, it wouldn't have made any difference. You wouldn't have known about him and wouldn't have grieved. Now, I know you don't think like that and I have no idea how to deal with it."_

 _"Christine knew something was wrong. She didn't know what but she knew. She left me a note. Anyway, in the note, she said that if one of them was to die, she preferred that it was her. She didn't want to lose another child. Can't blame her there. She knew. Her other pregnancies had been completely healthy but something was off. Not sure if that makes any sense." Mike was morose and Polly needed to get to work but it was the most they had talked in months._

 _"A mother knows. It's hard to explain but even in utero, a mother has a connection with her baby. I would say Christine was working on that connection. Faced with what Christine was, I would want the same thing she did. I would want my baby to live."_

 _"A father doesn't have the same connection but the desire is the same. I would trade my life in so that one of my kids could live, in a heartbeat."_

 _"It's any parent, mom or dad. It's just a matter of how to relay that to Matty." Polly stood up and put her coffee cup in the kitchen sink and grabbed her purse. It shocked Mike when she bent back down and kissed the corner of his mouth. She was out of the door before he could call attention to it._

Mike looked over at his son and realized that he and Polly had never been able to communicate to Matty that his mother would have wanted him to live. There had just not been a proper time. Matty had only been turning eleven and Max took almost all of Mike and Polly's attention and care to get him through the knowledge that he was the result of a horrific rape. Telling Matty and convincing him of it had fallen by the wayside, year after year. Matty was getting ready to give Mike a huge and beautiful gift, Hannah's survival. It was time to be brutally honest, which meant Matty needed to read the letter that Mike had kept hidden for years even if it painted Mike in a bad light. He was going to have to jeopardize his relationship with Matty so that Matty was emotionally sound before he went in for the surgery.


	9. Chapter 9

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 9

Mike found the letter from Christine and wondered how to handle the situation with Matty. He sit on the edge of his and Polly's bed and looked at the letter, which had yellowed. It was fifteen years old. None of the kid's knew of its existence. Mike had Polly read it early into their marriage and she had told him to keep ahold of it in case one of the kids ever needed to read it. Mike didn't like any of the kids knowing that his marriage to Christine hadn't been perfect just like he hated Hannah knowing that he and Polly had had a rough patch three years before. Mike opened the page and reread the letter. It didn't necessarily paint him in a bad light but Mike hated Matty reading it however it was the only way he knew how to communicate what Christine had been feeling.

" _Mike,_

 _If you're reading this, something happened to me. I have had a really bad feeling about this pregnancy. I'm not sure why exactly. They tell me the baby is healthy and developing normally but I think something might happen. I just hope the baby will be okay. Not sure I can survive losing another child._

 _I didn't tell you about the pregnancy when you called because what you were doing was so important. If you knew I was pregnant you would find a way off the Nathan James to get to us. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have you here but the world needed you to do what you're doing._

 _I could have been a better wife, more supportive of your career. But don't ever think that I didn't love you. I was thrilled when I found out I was pregnant because I knew we would stall the divorce talk for at least awhile. I never wanted a divorce and I don't think you did either. We still loved each other too much. Or at least I did. I am sure you did too. That last night before you left for the Arctic? It was amazing. We may have both been drinking, but it left us with a lasting gift._

 _The one thing I hope is that you find the kids somehow. Fix things with Hannah. I know you have always loved her and I have told her that. She is going to need for you to be the best father you can be. You'll have the job of two parents and you'll have to love her enough for the two of us. I do hope you find someone to love. You need that and the kids need that. If the baby makes it, he or she will need a mother figure. Just always remind him (I think it's a boy), that I love him too._

 _I hate the idea that I will be leaving Grace responsible for so much. I know she'll fight to keep the baby and Hannah. When you find her, let her be the adult. It'll be hard, I'm sure. But she'll need that. I moved the kids here because there were reports that there were communities that had been untouched by the virus._

 _You were an amazing husband. I never one time doubted your love. I wish I hadn't griped so much about you being away but when you were home, you made me feel like I was an amazing mom and wife. That's all I ever wanted to be. I only got a college degree to pacify my parents. The one thing it got me was an amazing husband and kids. Whoever you end up with, I am sure you will choose well. Do her a favor; let her sleep on your chest. I always loved that, I felt so safe and loved._

 _I love you so much,_

 _Christine"_

Mike refolded the letter and heard Polly walk into the room and sit down next to him. She grabbed ahold of his hand and kissed his cheek. They sit like that in silence for a few minutes until the kids got loud. Polly started to get up to leave but paused before she left the bedroom.

"Mike, talk to him and offer to let him read the letter if he wants to. Don't automatically give it to him. It's something that is between you and Christine. I think you can communicate this without him knowing everything. I am afraid if he reads that letter; he'll think that he was a mistake because he wasn't planned for, the result of an alcohol fueled night. I think that would do a lot of damage. You may not have planned for Matty but once you had him; you can't imagine you're life without him. I certainly couldn't. I'll send him in and keep the younger kids at a dull roar." Polly bent back down and kissed him again. She had made a point, as usual. Telling Matty that he was a result of an alcohol fueled night was a bad idea. Mike put the letter back in the box and back into the master closet. He heard Matty come in and gestured for him to sit on the bed.

"Dad, if this is about the bone marrow transplant; I want to do it. I know the decision is yours at the end but I want to do this."

"I appreciate that but this is not about that. It's about your first mom."

Matty looked down at his hands and Mike could tell he was dreading what was going to be said; Mike sit down next to him and gathered his thoughts before he spoke again. Matty however had other ideas. "Dad, I killed her. There is nothing that can really fix that. I guess I think if I can save Hannah's life, it might help but I can't even do that completely on my own. She needs your stem cells before the bone marrow."

"Son, I am going to tell you something; you're mom left me a letter in a box. It had her engagement ring and wedding band in it and when Grace returned it; the letter was in there. If you want to read it, you can but there are some rather personal details about her and me in it you would probably not want to know. I can assure you though; your mom wanted you to survive. She knew something wasn't right. The doctors told her you were completely healthy but she had a feeling. She didn't want to outlive another child so she preferred that it was her that died. Any parent would want this, including me. She loved you and she wanted me to tell you that. Maybe I have failed in that, I don't know." Matty was still looking at his hands and Mike knew he wasn't convinced. He got back up and went and got the letter. He would deal with the ramifications. He opened it and handed it to Matty and then excused himself to go to the bathroom. Mike could only pray that Matty would still be in the room when he came back in.

As he walked back into the room, Matty was still sitting on the bed with tears rolling down his cheeks. The letter was sitting on Matty's lap and Mike picked it up and put it on his nightstand. He sat down next to Matty and pulled him close, much the same way he would do when Matty was younger, with his head on Mike's chest. At first, Matty was resistant but he finally just gave in and clung to Mike. He could feel the tears soaking into his shirt and it was heartbreaking. Matty was not given to emotional outbursts and to see him so torn up was hard for Mike.

"It's okay, son. Just let it out."

"But…"

"Son, you were not planned for but you are loved so much. Your mom, Polly, me, everyone who knows you. None of us want to imagine our lives without you. You are not an accident or a mistake. I didn't know about you but once I found you and your sisters; I have always loved you. Yes, you were a surprise but the best kind. As far as your mom is concerned; I think that letter answers how she felt about you. She wanted you to live and she would be so, so proud of you especially concerning what you want to do for Hannah. I knew the woman and she wouldn't want you to feel like this. I promise that. I ask that you honor her and stop feeling like you killed her. Grace told me once that she felt your mom had given up and that is why she died. I don't agree. Your mom was tough, she had to be because of she was married to me for a lot of years. I think she fulfilled her purpose. She only ever wanted to be a wife and mother and she was a fantastic one. There had been talk of a divorce but we loved one another and I don't think we could have done it if I had made it home and the Flu never happened. You would have been the tie that bound us; more so than your sisters or Lucas. We would have worked it out because of you."

Matty had sat up and Mike handed him a couple tissues from Polly's nightstand. He wiped the tears and got up to go to the bathroom, presumably to wash his face. Mike waited on him and looked over at a framed picture on Polly's nightstand. It was of him and Polly while they were in the Bahamas. The memories had nothing to do with Matty but it gave Mike something happier to think about.

 _It was their first night in the Bahamas and they had taken a long walk on the beach and talked about everything. The custody battle for Max, the accusations Polly had made and Mike's unwillingness to forgive her. It was like talking about it wiped the slate completely clean. They had Max, Polly's attacker would not be resurfacing and Mike had finally let the anger he felt towards Polly go. She stopped Mike and took both his hands in her own._

 _"Mike, what are we going to do? We've let all this go but how do we move past it?"_

 _"I really don't know. But what I do know is that I still love you and I think we have something still. I would say we don't need to talk about this anymore but I don't know that that is a good idea. Max is still having issues and when we get home; those issues will still be there. I think sleeping separately is a bad idea but I do understand why you've had issues with physical contact. I've missed you a lot. Not just in regards to physically but emotionally too. I don't know if that makes any sense though."_

 _"It does and I've missed you too. I agree. I have slept better the last two nights than I have in several months. Maybe I was seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, I don't know. Maybe if Max sees us getting along better, he will feel…more secure? I don't know. I always hated the idea of a divorce but I also hated the distance between us. I want my husband back in every sense, including physically. I love you."_

 _"I love you too. You ready to go back to the hotel? We have a bit of a walk."_

 _"Yes but this is a beautiful view. I'm going to see if this guy over here will take our picture." Polly stepped away and asked a man that was running a beach side restaurant to take their picture. He immediately agreed and Mike and Polly posed in each other's arms. The sun was setting over the water and it created a beautiful backdrop for them._

Matty had walked back in and Mike focused back on his son. He sit back down next to Mike and he wrapped an arm around Matty. The boy seemed exhausted. Mike could hear the younger kids talking and Max and Hannah's voices along with Polly's but Matty was the only one that Mike was focused on at that point. Matty had leaned his head onto Mike's shoulder but didn't seem remotely interested in talking and Mike didn't mind holding him. At least Matty was not upset with him.

"Matty, talk to me, son. If you need to stay to yourself tonight, you can sleep in the extra room or in here with us. Polly understands and so do I. You decide." When Matty didn't answer him, Mike realized that he had fallen asleep. Mike very gently laid Matty down on the bed and got him situated. As he was throwing a blanket over him, Polly walked in and instantly smiled.

"Remember when he used to sleep with us pretty much every night? He would sleep on your chest. It made being a newlywed couple interesting."

"You seemed okay with it?"

"I was. It was sweet. Considering that you had only known Matty a couple months at that point; I knew you and him were still bonding. The kid definitely knew the meaning of a locked door though." Polly tucked the blanket in closer to Matty and kissed his forehead. She may not have given birth to him but she loved him as deeply as the kids that she had had physically.

"I sometimes wish I could go back to that time. He knew he was safe and secure. Now, he doubts everything. I made it clear to him that while he wasn't planned for; he was not a mistake but I don't think he believes me. I didn't want him to read the letter but I also couldn't seem to convince him that Christine preferred it be her to die. Maybe he won't fully understand it until he's a parent. I just hope I can put him back together." Mike turned the light off and closed the door to their bedroom so Matty could sleep and not be disturbed. He and Polly made their way out to the kitchen where the other kids were waiting dinner.

"You will. He knows he's loved." Polly rubbed his arm and gave him a kiss before pointing at a pan that had been too heavy for her or Hannah to lift. Mike picked it up and carried it to the table. Gabby seemed to have sensed Mike's mood and as soon as he sit the pan down, she gave him a big hug.

"I'm sorry you're sad, Daddy. I love you."

"I love you more, sweetheart. It's Matty that is really sad. When he comes out from his nap; give him one of these hugs, okay?" Gabby pulled away and nodded at him solemnly. Mike kissed the top of her head and helped her finish setting the table. Hannah brought some of the lighter weight items over to the table but quickly wore out and Max finished. It felt odd sitting down for dinner without Matty but neither Mike nor Polly wanted to wake him up. Polly had already sat a plate of food back for him. They all sit down and joined hands. Polly said her blessing over the food and they all started eating. Even Hannah seemed happy with her plate of food. Mike's appetite was gone and his main concern was with his sleeping son.

Max and Gabby helped Polly clean dinner up and Hannah rested on the couch and read to Tommy and Rebecca. Mike walked back into the master bedroom and Matty seemed to be rousing. He sat down on the bed and rubbed Matty's shoulder reassuringly.

"Dad, this is kind of embarrassing." Matty sit up but kept the blanket wrapped around him. He looked exhausted.

"How so?"

"I'm almost fifteen and I cried myself to sleep?" Matty looked completely ashamed of himself and had pulled his knees up to his chest and had both arms around them.

"Don't worry about it. I have done it myself and I'm a lot older then you. Any questions? Concerns? Observations?" Mike sit down next to him on the bed and leaned against the pillows.

"I honestly don't know how I feel, Dad. I am glad you let me read that letter. I don't think I would have believed you otherwise. And sorry about that."

"I kind of figured that. I only didn't want you to read it because of the more personal aspect in it. I'm not exactly proud of the shape my marriage was in when I left for the Arctic."

"Or the fact that I wouldn't have happened if you and my mom hadn't been drunk?"

"You might have happened regardless. And like I said earlier, you were not planned for but you are most definitely not an accident." Matty blushed and Mike knew they needed to get off that subject. He had already given Matty 'the talk' but he didn't feel the need to reiterate it.

"Dad, it's kind of the same thing."

"Not so much. A mistake or accident is something you wish didn't happen but a surprise or something not planned for is generally something good. And you aren't just good but great. I have no regrets concerning your conception. Just wish I had been there for your birth and the first five years of your life. I might not have prevented your mom from dying but I would have been there and Grace could have had a normal childhood."

"Yeah, that's my fault too." Matty looked absolutely miserable.

"No, son. It's not your fault. Your sister made a decision to keep you and Hannah. If there is any blame for that, it's with me. I am thankful she made that decision. If she hadn't there is no telling where you and Hannah would have ended up. And Grace knows that. She has no regrets where it's concerned."

"I'm not so sure. She gave up a lot and she did it not knowing if you would find us. Hannah gave up a lot too and in her case; she didn't get a choice. Grace made the choice to do what she did but Hannah didn't. Maybe that's why I want to do this bone marrow thing. To pay back a little. I also don't want Hannah to die and that has more to do with you than anything else."

"I appreciate that and I love you for it. I don't like you going through that amount of pain though and if I could trade places with you, I would. As far as repaying either of your sisters; I think they will agree with me; but you owe nothing for it. It's what a family does for one another. Grace saw that the three of you would be separated and so she let the doctors believe she was older and could care for an infant and nine year old. I thank God every day for the decision she made."

"How are you going to handle the stem cell thing? Mom has to argue with you for a month when it's time for your yearly physical. You hate needles."

"Which is why I want your mom there."

"My football coach is also my history teacher and he said that Takehaya murdered those sailors and…"

"Matty, Takehaya and those in Japan and Vietnam were victims of biological warfare, committed under the order of President Pang from China. If that is what your teacher is telling your class, he's wrong and there is a book Uncle Tom and I wrote that has all this information. Maybe he needs to read it."

"I brought a copy to him and he said it was propaganda, whatever that is."

"I'll call and set up a conference with him tomorrow. Is Max in the class too?"

"Yeah. Max and I have both tried to talk to him but he just makes me do more in football practice so I shut up. He made Max run extra laps in track last week too."

"I will deal with it. You hungry yet? Mom put a plate back for you. Chicken and dumplings?" Mike saw the look of interest on Matty's face. Matty loved to eat and was practically a bottomless pit. He was in every sport in school and would eat anything in sight if Polly would let him. Mike was just jealous of his metabolism.

"I could eat. My head hurts a little. I am sorry for how I reacted earlier."

"Don't be. You had to know how your mom felt about you and letting you read the letter was the best way to tell you. I knew letting you read it, I was jeopardizing my own relationship with you but I couldn't let you think you had killed her. Especially with the surgery you will be going through. That kind of negative thought could really hurt you and I can't lose you either. Potentially ruining my own relationship was worth you surviving through that and not feeling so terribly about your mom dying. I could hopefully fix things where you and I are concerned." Matty nodded at him and even gave him a small smile, which only reminded Mike of Christine. The boy did look like her.

"We're okay, Dad. Don't worry about it. I'm glad you let me read that. I don't guess I ever realized how bad things were between you and Hannah though. It explains why you are so scared of losing her."

"I'm that scared to lose any of you kids. But yes, her illness feels like a punishment for how I was with her. I always loved her but I didn't bond like I should have. Yet another thing I regret. But we are good now. It took a lot to fix it but I love the relationship she and I have now. Speaking of sisters, Gabby knows you're sad and so you can expect a hug from her." Matty smiled broadly, he and Gabby argued but they had a special bond.

"She thought I had cooties last week."

"She knew you were sad and you know Gabby. She's a sweetheart. Let's go eat." Mike and Matty both got off the bed but before Mike could turn to leave the room; Matty grabbed his arm and hugged him. It was a rare show of affection from the same kid that had been extremely affectionate when he was younger and Mike wrapped both arms around him.

"Thanks, Dad. I love you."

"I love you too, son. So, so, so much." Matty finally pulled away and they walked back to the living room. As soon as Gabby and Rebecca saw Matty, they ran for him and both gave him a big hug. Matty knelt down and returned the hugs. As soon as he stood up, Polly was giving him another hug. Hannah was sound asleep on the couch. Tommy and Max were watching a movie and somehow they had ended up with Mikey and Hope. She was lying on a quilt on the floor, playing with one of her toys and Mikey was sitting on Max's lap.

"Was Grace here?" Polly pulled away from Matty and nodded at him. Hope had started giggling as soon as she seen Mike so picked her up and walked towards Polly to get the explanation.

"It wasn't so much Grace as it was Ryan. He's home. I could tell it bothered him but I think she didn't sleep last night. He called and asked if he could bring the kids over so Grace could get some sleep."

"Poor guy. I'm sure he wanted to tuck his kids in tonight. I always wanted to." Mike rocked the baby back and forth to try and get her to sleep.

"Yeah, he's scared. He barely knows Hope and he's already had to hand her over for the night. I think he's worried about the bond he'll have with her."

"I'll talk to him tomorrow. He'll be fine. I choose the bond I had with Hannah where he wants a good bond with his daughter. I did too but I didn't help my case. Any idea how long he's home?"

"Awhile. He's hoping at least a month. He took his leave early. He said he wanted to be here to help us with the kids so we could concentrate on Hannah and Matty. I didn't want to disturb you and Matty. Sorry." Mike leaned over and kissed Polly as she was washing dishes from supper and got a smile out of her. Hope had cuddled against his shoulder and was falling asleep.

"It's alright. Hopefully Grace gets some rest. I'm glad he's home and I know Grace will be too. Does Maggie and Alec know?"

"He's at a conference and Maggie went with him. Kind of a mini vacation for her. Ryan called her while he was here. Of course, she's thrilled and wishes she was home." Mike laughed at Polly's comment. Maggie adored her only surviving son and had missed him terribly. He knew it was killing her to not be home when he got home.

"Of course, I bet she talks Alec into coming home early. And Gampa's girl is sound asleep." Hope was finally asleep on Mike's shoulder. He started to walk her towards her crib but Hannah gestured at him to bring her over. As he walked her over, he noticed how pale and weak Hannah looked.

"Daddy, can I hold her? I can't pick her up or hold when she's awake because she's such a wiggle worm. Maybe I can hold her if she's sleeping?" Mike nodded at her and very gently laid Hope down on top of Hannah. The baby cuddled close to her favorite aunt and Mike put a blanket over both of them. Mike suspected Hannah would fall asleep holding Hope but at least she was somewhat happy holding her. Matty had sat down on the opposite end of the couch and nodded at Mike. He understood how ill Hannah was and what was at stake. Hope needed to grow up with the aunt in her life that loved her so much.


	10. Chapter 10

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 10

Doctor Grant called what Hannah was going through conditioning but to Mike, it was just pure hell. He had never seen a human produce so much vomit. Hannah was so weak that Mike had to pick her up and put her in the wheelchair. The only thing Hannah even had the energy to do is not allow Mike to help her on and off the toilet. Polly had to do that. Hannah also couldn't eat anything aside from the chicken and beef broth that Maggie kept them supplied with. She would occasionally request strawberry milkshakes but she generally couldn't hold them down.

Matty was actually doing better since Mike and he had talked. His birthday was on Friday and Mike was excited to surprise Matty with his car. Tom had driven the car over while Matty was at school and Mike was waiting when Polly brought the kids home. As soon as he got out of the SUV, Matty saw the car and Mike loved the look of shock and surprise on Matty's face. Polly ushered the other kids inside so Mike could have a moment with Matty.

"So, it needs work but it is mechanically sound. More body wise and interior. It's a 1970 Mercury Cyclone Boss. It needs repainted so you can pick a color. The original color is black and I think I like that best. I figured you and I would do the work on it, maybe Max sometimes. I hope you like it?" Matty was practically dancing around the car as Mike talked. The boy was thrilled. He finally came around closer to Mike and enveloped him in a huge hug. It surprised Mike because Matty didn't usually initiate any personal affection. He had changed a lot since he was young. Matty finally pulled away but Mike noticed the tears in his eyes.

"I wasn't expecting anything at all. I've always hated my birthday. How long have you had this planned? It's perfect by the way."

"About six months, when Uncle Tom and I went on that fishing trip in Minnesota. Old guy had it there. He had done all the mechanical work on it but had lost interest before he did the body work. I got it for a song and your Uncle Tom stored it, and played in it a fair amount. I think he's going to be over wanting to help with the body work. You may have to share it with Max until we find him something but it's yours. Mom has dinner planned and I need to make sure Hannah is situated before you and I go out. Since you don't have your permit, I will have to drive but I'll take you for your permit test next week so I can start teaching you how to drive it. It's a manual transmission so it's slightly more complicated than anything else we have. The advantage is that Mom, Hannah and I are the only ones who know how to drive it. Ryan maybe and Tom obviously. Alec might steal it. Other than that it's yours." Matty nodded vigorously at Mike and they started walking towards the house. "Hey, son, when we go inside, make sure you give Mom a hug. She didn't get mad when I bought it without talking to her first. That says a lot."

Matty grinned at Mike and nodded and as soon as they got inside, he gave Polly a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. Mike could see the surprise on her face but she returned the hug and kiss and promptly slapped his hand when he tried to steal a piece of a cucumber from the cutting board.

"Supper will be ready soon. You can wait. Besides what kind of hunger is a piece of a cucumber going to curb?" Polly had outdone herself. She had had spaghetti sauce simmering all day, had made her own noodles, a huge salad, and Matty's favorite chocolate pie. The only thing she had strayed on was the garlic bread. It was Hannah's favorite but Matty wouldn't mind. Hannah was sitting on the couch waiting on Mike to pick her up and put her in her wheelchair. Max had offered but Hannah had asked for Mike. As he picked her up and put her in the wheelchair, he realized how light she was. It just hurt his heart.

"Thanks, Daddy." Hannah's throat was burnt from vomiting and so she could barely whisper. Mike kissed her cheek and put her blanket over her lap so she wouldn't get cold. Grace, Ryan and their kids came in and Mikey looked scared of Hannah. He wouldn't give her a hug and Mike could tell it bothered Hannah. He wheeled her into the dining room and leaned down and kissed her cheek again and then whispered in her ear.

"I'll talk to Mikey. He doesn't understand it." She nodded at him and tried to smile but it just didn't happen.

Grace was helping Polly in the kitchen and Ryan had sit down next to Hannah and was holding Hope so Mike took Mikey into the living room to talk to him. His own younger kids were in their rooms. The little boy grabbed his toy truck and was playing on the couch next to Mike.

"Gampa?"

"Yeah." Mike held out his hand and Mikey sat on his lap with the toy truck in his own hands.

"What's wrong with Aunt 'annah? She looks really funny."

"Remember me telling you that she's really sick?"

"Yeah but when I 'et 'ick, I get 'etter in a 'ouple days. Her isn't. Why isn't da 'ucky 'edicine helping her?" Mikey was looking at Mike like he expected him to have all the answers. Mike couldn't understand why his precious daughter was so ill and he couldn't expect a three year old would.

"She's really, really sick."

"Is her going to go to heaven like my first gamma and 'ncle 'Ucas?"

"I hope not so soon, Uncle Matty and I are having some stuff done that will hopefully make her feel better. What does Gamma say about praying?" Mike could see the sadness in the little boy's eyes and so he sat the truck down and cuddled Mikey close.

"She says to 'ray for 'eople that are 'ick and I 'ave been 'raying but what if God doesn't 'ake her 'etter?"

"He may not and so it's important that we spend as much time as possible with her." Mikey nodded in understanding and started to get off Mike's lap. "Mikey, where are you going?"

"I'm gonna go 'ive Aunt 'Annah a 'ug." Mikey jumped of Mike's lap and ran for Hannah. Mike could tell the hug meant a lot to her because of the smile on her face. Mike stood up and headed into the kitchen where Grace was hinting on wanting a party for Lucas on Sunday. Mike decided to jump in and end an argument before it started.

"I am the one that has asked that there isn't a party this year for Lucas. We'll have one next year. With everything going on with Hannah, I just can't handle it. If you want to have a dinner and cake for him, it's up to you but I won't be there." Mike could see the anger flaring up in Grace and knew he probably didn't handle it correctly.

"We've had parties for him the last seven years. Why stop now? Are you trying to forget him or something? I realize you weren't there when he died but it's like you are trying to just erase him from your life." Mike felt like he had been slapped in the face and Polly put a steadying hand on his arm. Fortunately Grace had kept her voice down so no one else could hear her which was amazing in their open concept kitchen and dining room.

"Grace, I hope to God you never find this out for yourself but there is no erasing Lucas from my life. He was born, he lived and he died. He existed. But he's gone now. There is not an hour in any given day that I don't think about him, wish he was still here, that I could talk to him or hug him one more time. He was your brother but he was my son. Every year after his party, I cry myself sick. Polly has had to witness this and hold me year after year. This year, I can't afford that sort of breakdown. The day will be hard enough because I won't be able to celebrate another birthday with him. I can't give him a present like I just did with Matty. This year, Lucas should be going to college. Instead he's dead. Not celebrating his birthday was not Polly's idea, it was mine. Make no mistake, I may not be specifically celebrating the day but I will most definitely thinking about him. Now I am sorry if that makes you mad and I want us to focus on the fact that this is Matty's birthday and end this conversation now. Clear?"

"I guess…but…" Mike could tell Grace was trying to control her temper. He leaned over and kissed the top of her head just to communicate that he was not angry at her. Hope had started fussing so Grace walked over to get her from Ryan and Mike and Polly shared a look. They knew the conversation wasn't done but at least it was settled for the time being. Mike hugged Polly from behind and kissed the back of her head. She let him lean on her and it transported him to three years before, the day after Lucas's birthday. Polly had held onto him despite the problems they were having and it had given Mike some hope for their marriage.

 _The kids were all sleeping in which was rare at best. Mike felt completely wrung out from his breakdown the night before. Polly had gone back to the master bedroom after Mike finally calmed down even though Mike would have preferred she stay with him. Of course, he had been too proud to admit that. She was starting breakfast in the kitchen. Mike walked up behind her and hugged her from behind and kissed the back of his head. Normally she would stand still when he did that but today she turned around and returned the hug._

 _"You okay? You were having a pretty rough time last night. I hated leaving you but I wasn't sure you even wanted me to stay in there with you after everything."_

 _"I'm…tired, I guess. I wish you had stayed with me. I wanted you."_

 _"That's shocking considering everything." Polly had almost a hopeless look to her and Mike put both hands in her hair curling the hair around his fingers._

 _"You think I haven't forgiven you but I think you need to forgive yourself for what happened. The accusations you made were kind of natural even if they hurt me, given my past. I want you to forgive yourself."_

 _"I said horrible things to you. I vowed to love and honor you and I didn't. I have no idea how I'm supposed to forgive that in myself, let alone, have you forgive me." There were tears in her eyes and Mike's heart was breaking for her._

 _"I've already forgiven you. I won't say what you said didn't hurt but I know that you didn't stop loving me…or at least I hope not. In any case, we need to get past this, somehow. I think our trip will help a lot but we have a couple months before we get to that. We have to find some sort of happy medium."_

 _"I agree. I just don't know how." The kids started coming out of their bedrooms but before Mike dropped his hands from her hair, he kissed Polly's cheek. She pulled him back and kissed him back, this time on the lips. It took him by surprise but he didn't mind it. As he was walking away to get the kids settled at the table, she grabbed his hand._

 _"Mike, I never stopped loving you. Not for one moment. I just didn't honor you like I should have." Mike nodded at her because he wasn't even sure what to say. Tommy was calling for him and so he squeezed Polly's hand and pulled away. Hannah was grinning at him broadly because she had seen them hugging and kissing. She, not very discreetly gave him a thumbs up sign. He grinned back at her and signed "I love you" to her. She signed it back and Mike helped Tommy and Rebecca into their seats._

Mike kissed Polly again and began taking dishes to the table. Matty came out to help and to inspect the food. Handmade pasta, spaghetti sauce that Polly had made, alfredo sauce, garlic bread, salad and the chocolate pie with marshmallow topping that Matty loved. All the family sit down and Polly said the blessing. Matty immediately started digging in and even Hannah ate a small plate of the alfredo sauce, noodles and garlic bread.


	11. Chapter 11

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 11

Hannah required almost constant care, which she would only accept from Mike or Polly. There were days she was too weak to feed herself or hold her book. The bucket list had been put on hold until she went into remission. Mike was extremely overwhelmed because he felt he was neglected his other kids and grandkids to take care of Hannah. She was absolutely insistent that Mike and Polly go on their weekend away. Maggie and Alec were going to stay with her and the other kids, and if Alec was called away, Tom or Ryan would come and do the lifting. Mike and Polly both suggested cancelling the reservation but Hannah insisted she would be alright. Wednesday, Mike had his appointment for his procedure to have his stem cells stored for Hannah. Polly and he were leaving Thursday afternoon and would be gone until Sunday afternoon. Mike was dreading the time away. He had snapped several times at Polly and even a time or two at Matty and Grace completely grated on his nerves. It was exhaustion, more than anything else and Polly could only remind the kids of that.

On Wednesday, Maggie rode with them to stay with Hannah while she had her chemo. Mike and Polly went in the opposite direction so that Mike could donate his stem cells. The nurse had ran both lines in either arm and as Mike watched the blood go into a machine and then another line brought the blood back into his other arm, he was trying desperately not to think about Takehaya's camp. Polly sat down next to him on the bed and held his hand despite having had a minor spat that morning.

"Talk to me, Mike. If you stay talking, maybe you'll be distracted and not think about being a P.O.W." Mike leaned back on the bed; he really didn't even know what to talk about so that he didn't think about being a P.O.W.

"I feel talked out. I still don't think this weekend away is a good idea. I hate to ask Maggie and Alec to do this."

"Well, it's the one thing that Hannah is insistent on. And you need to rest. She knows it. I've already been instructed to take your phone away. She knows you too well." Polly was slightly hurt because it made it seem like Mike didn't want to spend the time away with her. It was hard not to take some of the comments personally. And Mike had also jerked his hand away from hers. It reminded her too much of three years before.

"I am fine. Why is everyone so worried about me? It's Hannah that's ill, not me." Mike's voice was slightly raised, and Polly put her hand on his shoulder as a way to calm him. She could feel the tension.

"Mike, I am saying this out of a place of love. Quit being a jerk. You have lashed out at me almost constantly and Matty keeps getting the short end of a proverbial straw. And I get that Grace has been aggravating; but you've barely spoke to her since Lucas' birthday. I get it was a bad day and you were hurting, but Grace only called to check on you. She did it out of love. Thankfully, Hannah and the younger kids haven't had to deal with these moods but it's only a matter of time. If all this doesn't work for Hannah and she doesn't make it, you will want those kids. Pushing them away now doesn't solve any issues. You are an amazing husband, dad and grandpa. Act like it!" Mike look almost like he'd been slapped and Polly was foreseeing a miserable weekend in her future. He had wiggled away from her grasp on his shoulder and she could see the anger on his face. Polly shook her head at him and got up to sit down on one of nearby chairs. She wanted to help him with the flashbacks but she was angry enough to just let him suffer through them. He had closed his eyes and Polly wasn't sure if he was sleeping or not. His mood reminded her of the morning they left for the Bahamas, three years before.

 _"Alright, Hannah, there is freezer meals made up for every night. Here's an envelope with some cash should any incidentals arise. Everything is on the white board as far as the schedule is concerned and…"_

 _"Mom, I got this. No worries, you and Dad go enjoy yourselves and please don't bring home a baby as a souvenir." Mike had walked back in from taking their bags out to his truck and let out a low laugh. He seemed almost annoyed. Polly and Mike had both kissed the other kids and so all that was left was to say their goodbyes to Hannah. Polly pulled her into a hug and very quietly whispered in her ear._

 _"Thank you for this. We both appreciate it even if your dad is being so hardheaded. I will do everything I can to fix things. I love you." Hannah nodded at her and pulled away, reaching for Mike. He seemed to be ignoring her, fidgeting with Polly's carry on. "Mike, hug your daughter. And thank her." Polly took the bag out of his hands and Hannah hugged him. Polly walked outside and looked back in the kitchen window. Mike was hugging Hannah back and when he finally came outside, he seemed a bit more like himself._

Polly had no idea what Hannah had said that morning but it was effective. The unfortunate thing was that Hannah was in no shape to give her father a much needed attitude adjustment and Polly knew she could only do so much. She prayed that Mike would sort whatever was going on out. She and Matty were exhausted.

The procedure was over quickly enough. Mike was unhooked from all the equipment and they made their way to Hannah. Fortunately, she only had Chemo that day and they could go straight home. On the way there, while Mike had stopped at a gas station to fill up and Hannah was asleep, Maggie tapped on Polly's shoulder.

"Little frigid up there in the front?"

"Yeah. Mike's mad." Polly kept her voice down. She didn't want Hannah overhearing anything.

"About?"

"I told him needed this weekend to rest up and to quit lashing out at the people he loves."

"Men do that. When they hurt, they want to hurt something. Remember how mad Alec was after Aiden and McKenna died? I got the brunt of it, but Ryan got his fair share. I was terrified he would do something stupid at work. He doesn't mean to hurt you all but you have to ride the storm out. And right now, you're in a tornado. It will settle." Polly had to nod. Her sister was one of the wisest people she knew; she just hoped she was right. Mike got back in the truck and handed her and Maggie both a bottle of water. They hadn't asked for it but Mike always got her bottled water on road trips.

"Thanks, babe." Mike nodded at her and as soon as put his hand on the console, Polly grasped his hand. Thankfully he didn't pull away. He still hadn't talked but at least he wasn't as insulting.

They got home and Mike carried Hannah into the couch to sleep. Maggie had gone on her way and Polly went and got the kids from school. When Matty walked towards the SUV, she immediately noticed him limping, slightly. He slowly and painfully got into the passenger seat next to her and Polly looked at him in concern.

"Coach made us practice during lunch and I got tackled. I think I twisted my hip or something. Dad is going to be so mad."

"He'll be worried about you." Matty made a noise and Polly knew that Matty wasn't convinced. The problem was that Polly wasn't so convinced either.

"He'll worry about the bone marrow transplant. Whether I will be able to be a donor. Not me. The only good I am to him is my bone marrow."

"Matty, your father adores you. I know he has said some very hurtful things to you but he loves you more than life itself." Polly looked over at Matty and knew he wasn't convinced. They pulled up to the house and Matty slowly got out of the truck. The other kids all headed into the house and to their bedrooms. They had learned to avoid their father's moods. Polly helped Matty up the steps and took a deep breath before the next argument ensued. As soon as they walked in, Mike immediately noticed the limp and the face he made was not one of concern.

"Matty, what did you do? " Mike had walked across the room and had grabbed Matty's arm pretty roughly.

"We had a practice during lunch and I got tackled. I think I pulled something in my leg or hip."

"How stupid can you be? My God, Matty, if they call us tomorrow that your sister is in remission but because of a pulled muscle, you can't go through that surgery, she could die. For the second time in your life, you will have killed a second person and…" Polly saw the shock and pain cross Matty's face. Thankfully Hannah had slept through everything and so Polly got between her son and husband to stop Mike before he said anything else.

"ENOUGH! Matty, can you please go to your room? I will bring you a heating pad in a couple minutes. Mike, do yourself a favor and shut up." Matty nodded at her and headed towards his bedroom. She could see the tears in his eyes and knew Mike had hurt Matty very deeply. Polly wasn't sure there was a fix for what Mike had done. "You have no idea what you've done. Matty already thinks the only thing he is good for is to be Hannah's bone marrow donor. You just destroyed your son. And I have no idea how you'll fix it or if you can. Now, I am going to go take this heating pad into him. He needs to know at least one person loves him. You need to keep your distance." Polly grabbed the heating pad and headed towards Matty's room.

Mike looked down at Hannah who was still asleep. He could hear the rest of his family's chatter but knew walking into Matty's room was a bad idea. He started supper and glanced down a picture that Polly had had printed. It was a picture of him and Matty at Matty's birthday party. He had his arm around Matty and they both looked happy. Mike checked on Hannah and turned the stove off. He needed to fix things with his son. He stood at the door for a minute listening to Polly talking to Matty.

"Matty, he didn't mean it. I know it seems like he did but he didn't. He'll come around." Mike backed away so he could hear them but they couldn't see him. Max had apparently taken the twins and Gabby into one of the other rooms, and Matty and Polly were sitting on Matty's bed.

"Dad always says what he means. And what's worse is, he's right. I killed my mom and I may have killed Hannah. I thought he had forgiven that but apparently I was wrong about everything."

"I don't have a good excuse for what he said. I wish I did. But I know one thing for absolute certain, he loves you and he needs you for a lot more than a bone marrow transplant for your sister."

"Yeah, right." Mike stepped into the room and Polly looked up at him with a 'Mama Bear' look. Matty hadn't seen him and Mike nodded at Polly.

"She's right, Matty. I…I have no idea what I was thinking. I just am so, so sorry. I can't take the words back. I wish I could. I have no excuse or explanation for them. I…have no idea what else to say that will make this better, other than that I love you and I don't blame you for your mom's death. You have a right to be mad at me. You want to do this bone marrow transplant so that I don't have to face losing another child and I love you for that but take me out of it. Do it for your sister and for yourself. I know you also don't want to lose her. I will leave you alone, if you want me to, but please, please, please know that I love you and I am so very sorry, son." Mike had sat down on the bed but stood up when he finished talking. Polly nodded at him but Matty wasn't reacting at all. She also stood up but bent down and kissed the top of Matty's head. Mike repeated the action and they both walked out of the bedroom to allow Matty to sort out his emotions.

"You did and said all the right things, Mike. Now it's just a wait and see. Matty is forgiving but he needs some space. I will take his dinner into him. The hip is pretty bruised and I do think I am going to take him to the doctor before we leave tomorrow. Make sure he didn't break something. He's in a lot of physical pain. Max will keep an eye on him but I think you need to stay away right now. You've said your peace." Polly walked back into the kitchen and started dinner again. Mike knew better than to argue with her, especially when she was right. He just prayed that Matty would be able to get past what Mike had said to him.


	12. Chapter 12

Ok,long chapter but this is starting to get slightly brighter. Please enjoy and review.

 **Years and Memories**

Chapter 12

Mike tossed and turned all night. Matty hadn't spoken to him at all and when they met in the hallway, Matty didn't make eye contact. His limp was more pronounced and Mike was beginning to really worry about him. Polly assured him that she would have him at the doctor as soon as they opened but Mike was seeing all the worst case scenarios, including internal bleeding. He had looked in on Matty a couple times but Matty had his back turned, sleeping on his uninjured side. Mike could only hope that if he woke up in pain; he would alert Max. Polly had made Max promise that he would wake them up if anything seemed wrong.

Mike laid back down beside Polly. She fortunately hadn't said much more to him and she didn't appear to be angry. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the back of her neck. He hadn't meant to wake her up but she turned towards and wrapped her arms around him.

"Kids okay?"

"How'd you know I was checking on them?" Polly had laid her head on his chest and he curled her hair around his fingers.

"Because it's one of the things that I love about you. If you get up through the night; you check on the kids. And knowing you, specifically Hannah and Matty tonight." Mike smiled at his amazing wife and kissed her again, this time on the lips. He was so disappointed in himself; he decided he didn't want to talk about it right then. He put a hand on her hip and started to kiss her neck and collarbone but she stopped him. "Mike, I know what you're doing. You are trying to distract me so you can avoid talking about Matty."

"Is it working?"

"A little. Is that your intention though?" Mike had continued kissing Polly but she wasn't having it. She rolled over on top of him and put her hands on both sides of his face to stop him.

"Yes. And before you say it, I know I shouldn't use you like that and I am sorry. I just keep thinking he will refuse to ever speak to me or that there is some sort of internal bleeding. I have no idea what to do."

"I'm not mad at you because I know how terribly you feel. My question is, is it because he might suddenly refuse to do the bone marrow transplant and Hannah might die? Or is it genuine fear for your son and your relationship with him? And there is no wrong answer. I won't be mad either way." Polly was still lying on top of him and Mike wrapped his arms around her, after he reached over and turned a reading lamp on.

"Both. And I am not sure what kind of a father that makes me. I am terrified of losing Hannah. I would be if it was any of the kids in her shoes but knowing I could lose Matty because of something I said to him? And I don't mean that he might die but that I would lose my relationship with him. I don't know if that makes any sense." Polly nodded at him and rested her chin on both her hands which were on Mike's chest. She was in deep thought or prayer.

"Mike, I think you need to evaluate. You have sent Matty a lot of mixed signals. I know that you love him deeply and I know that you don't blame him for Christine's death. What you need to evaluate, is, what will you do if Matty makes the decision that he doesn't want a relationship with you? I think he will do the bone marrow transplant regardless but what was said, it can't be unsaid. You not only called Matty stupid but you also told him he had killed his mother; and because of an injury that he didn't cause, might kill his sister. I get that you are emotional and tired and I think Matty understands that too. That's why it's important you and I go away. It will give Matty the distance he needs to decide if he wants to forgive you and it will make you evaluate what might happen if he no longer wants you in his life. It's a very real possibility. Now, Matty is forgiving and he loves you. But he is also extremely stubborn and it gets worse when he's hurt."

"What will happen if he decides that?"

"He asked me about living with Ryan and Grace. I told him he needed to think about it, long and hard before he made that leap. You do have one advantage though."

"Which is?" Mike rubbed his face with his hand and then settled both hands back on Polly's back.

"He loves his brothers and sisters here. This is the only home he has known for several years. And another piece of advice, he was looking forward to fixing that car up with you, order the stuff you need and start on it." Mike nodded at her and let out a yawn.

"I suddenly lost that sense of romanticism that I had going earlier which is amazing considering that you're lying on top of me."

"Want me to move? And you romantic, please!"

"Isn't this a sign of getting older? I have this young, smokin' hot wife, lying on top of me and I am suddenly exhausted." Polly smiled down at him and rolled off the top of him, and shut the light off. Mike yawned again and pulled her close.

"I don't know about young or smokin' hot considering I'll be forty. Get some sleep, Mike. I love you."

"I love you too. When you say your prayers; pray that Matty will forget or forgive what I said. I know that is probably wishful thinking but you always tell me that God is a big God with big plans." Polly nodded at him and pulled Mike close. Mike fell asleep before she did and she said her prayer. It was really the only hope Mike had at that point.

Polly woke up in time to get all the kids up, fix them a hot breakfast and make Matty's doctor's appointment. Hannah was having a pretty good day and Mike would stay with her while Polly took the kids to school and took Matty to his appointment. Mike was still sound asleep though and Matty seemed to be looking for him.

"Matty, do you want to talk to your dad before your appointment? He had a rough time sleeping last night. He was worried about you." Matty sat down on one of the stools by the breakfast bar and rubbed his face with his hands, much like Mike did.

"What time are you guys leaving today? On your trip? Before or after school is out?"

"We can check in any time after two. The plan was that Maggie would pick you all up from school but those plans can change if you need them to. What's on your mind?" Polly was packing the kids lunches and passed Matty the chips to put in the bags.

"I don't want to miss up your weekend. You and Dad need the time away. It can wait." Matty was filling the lunch bags up and was making a point to put each kid's favorite chips in their lunch bag. As much as Mike and Polly both spoiled their kids; they wouldn't have even done that.

"Sweetie, the point in the weekend away is so that we can rest. Your dad may not do that if he's worried about you the entire weekend. You need to say what needs to be said." Polly made the decision to wake Mike up and headed towards their bedroom. Matty only had fifteen minutes before she had to get the kids to school and him to the doctor. Polly looked at her still snoring husband and smiled. They had a habit of kissing the other awake and so she sat down next to him and after about the third kiss, Mike woke up.

"Mmm. What time is it?"

"Quarter til eight. I need to get the kids out the door and Matty has a doctor's appointment at nine but he needs to talk to you." Mike jumped up and headed for the door.

"Good or bad?"

"The mother who knows her son says good." Mike smiled back at Polly and headed into the kitchen, not even caring that he was just wearing a pair of pajama pants. Polly could only pray that Matty would have forgiven Mike.

Mike rounded the corner into the kitchen and Matty met him before he actually reached the room. Before he even realized it; Matty had him enveloped in a hug. Mike and Polly were both shocked and surprised but Mike wrapped both arms around the sobbing fifteen year old. Polly made a rapid fire decision to give Mike the time he needed with Matty.

"Mike, I'm going to get the kids to school. I will either come back and take him or you can and I will stay with Hannah." Mike nodded at her and started walking Matty to their bedroom. Polly checked on Hannah who was on the couch reading and got the kids out the door for school but her mind was on her husband and son.

Mike finally managed to get Matty to sit down on his and Polly's bed. Matty was completely beside himself which was odd for him. Of all the possible scenarios that had ran through his mind; Matty being so broken was not among them. Mike threw on a t-shirt and knelt down in front of him.

"Son, talk to me." Matty had his hands covering his face and Mike gently pulled them away so he could see Matty's face. Mike didn't know what to say or do to help Matty so he just sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around him. Matty ended up laying his head on Mike's chest and sobbed even harder. Mike picked his phone up off his nightstand and called Polly.

"Can you call the doctor and get a later appointment?"

"I can try. Is he okay?" Mike could hear the concern in Polly's voice.

"He isn't talking. I don't know. My God, what did I do?" Mike ran his hand through Matty's hair.

"Just keep doing what you're doing. I'll call and get a different appointment and if I can't, I'll call a different doctor's office. I have to run by the church too. They need help with the projector screen for Sunday's service. Do you want to cancel our trip?"

"I…I don't know. Let me see if I can get my boy calmed down a bit."

"Alright. Be home in a bit. I love you."

"I love you too. Be careful." Mike hung up and concentrated back on Matty. He could only hope that Hannah was alright. Matty had settled down a little, but had managed to give himself hiccups. Mike rubbed his back. Aside from a couple sniffles, it seemed that Matty had finally stopped sobbing. Mike gently sat him back up but kept an arm around him. He had made the decision to just let Matty talk when he was ready. And they sat for about fifteen minutes before Matty started.

"I'm sorry, Dad. I shouldn't have…"

"Matty, look at me." Matty turned to look at Mike and groaned in pain. His hip was really bothering him. "Son, you did nothing wrong. This one is all on me. I should have never, ever said those words to you. As your father; I should always be the one person always in your corner. To go to bat for you and believe in you. Last night, I didn't do that. I failed you and that is something I will always regret. What you want to do for Hannah is so amazing. You are saving your sister's life. You already had a special place in my heart; but doing this? Matty, it's amazing. You and Hannah remind me so much of your mom. Self-sacrificing, giving, generous, and all kinds of other stuff. My point is, Matty, you need to not feel like this is your fault. It's totally on me. Tell me what's on your mind?"

"I shouldn't have reacted that way. I even told Mom that I wanted to move out. I don't. Course, after I treated you that way; you may want me to."

"You didn't treat me badly. You never said a word to me. Your reaction was very mature considering the insults that I have hurled at you and not just last night. As far as moving out; I would have deserved that. I was awake most of the night thinking about what I had said and that I very potentially destroyed my relationship with you. That thought terrified me. Now, how do we get past this?"

"Can we just not talk about it anymore? I think if we keep going over it; it'll definitely destroy our relationship. I do hope this doesn't mess things up for Hannah." Matty was wiggling around and Mike could tell sitting was really hurting him. Mike stood up and gently pulled Matty's arm up. He hadn't realized it but he grasped the same one that he had gripped too hard the evening before and Matty winced in pain. Mike pulled Matty's sleeve up and noticed the bruise on his bicep. Knowing that he had injured Matty made Mike feel terribly. As if reading Mike's thoughts, Matty gave him a huge hug. Mike held onto Matty for a minute before they heard Hannah calling for Mike.

"It'll be alright. Don't worry about it, son. I don't think she's close to remission and I'm sure Doc can use the uninjured hip. I love you." Mike had his arm around Matty as they walked out of the bedroom. Matty nodded up at him.

"I love you too, Dad. Are you and Mom going still? Don't not go because of me. I'm okay." They had walked into the kitchen but Polly had walked in and was helping Hannah.

"Let me talk to Mom. As long as you're okay, we'll probably go. I need to make sure that hip is alright." Matty nodded at him again and smiled broadly.

"Mike, I was able to get a ten am appointment. And the school called; apparently Coach Keller is mad because of Matty's absence. I told them that I wanted a conference. Figured you'd take care of that. I can stay here with Hannah and get our bags packed." Polly had helped Hannah lay down and pulled a blanket over the top of her. As soon as she got Hannah settled; Polly gave Matty a hug. Mike pulled another blanket down for Hannah and got her another throw pillow. Thankfully, she was just tired and not nauseous at all. Her color was even slightly better. It made Mike wonder if she getting closer to remission. He kissed her cheek and gave Polly a kiss before grabbing the key for Matty's car. Matty didn't have his permit yet so Mike would have to drive but it would give him time to show Matty how to drive a manual.

The drive into town was pretty quiet but mostly because Matty was watching Mike's feet working along with shifting, and listening to the car so he knew when to upshift or downshift and how the RPM's coincided. Matty was fascinated but he took after Mike in that he loved mechanical things and seeing how things worked.

They got to the doctor slightly early and were able to get in. The nurse took Matty in for his x-rays and when she brought him back, the doctor followed him. Mike hadn't seen the bruising up until then and it made him feel ever worse. The doctor didn't feel any breaks and the x-rays didn't show any.

"I think it's just a deep, deep bruise. I suggest a break from all contact sports. I will write an excuse for three weeks. It may not be broken but it wouldn't take a lot. A broken hip at this age, while the body is still growing could cause a permanent limp. I also spoke with Doctor Grant. He hasn't gotten Hannah's test results back but if by some miracle, she goes into remission in the next week or so; he will use the other hip. He was adamant that there be no more injuries hence the sports break. The downfall to this is that if you get the go for the bone marrow transplant, they have to be careful giving Matty any pain medicine or sedatives. Now I don't know why, beyond my wheelhouse. I'm just an old country doctor but I do know one thing, it's hellish with pain meds. Without, I can't imagine."

"That's not a problem, Doctor. I'll have the surgery." Matty didn't seem to care about the prospect of the pain at all. The doctor eyed Mike and shook his head. Mike rubbed his face with his hand; as much as he wanted Hannah in remission, he didn't want Matty in that kind of pain. And what was worse was that Matty truly thought he was deserving of it.

"Well, son, your mom and dad may not agree with that. If you were my kid; I wouldn't and I know for a fact that your sister wouldn't. I'll go get that excuse for your sports. Absolutely no contact sports for the next three weeks." Mike nodded at the doctor and he left. Matty was putting his jeans on behind the curtain and Mike decided to bring up the pain with the bone marrow transplant.

"You know, son, the doctor was right. I don't want you going through that sort of pain; even with painkillers and sedatives. I especially don't want it if you can't have that stuff. And Hannah will refuse to let you have the procedure."

"Which is why she won't know. I bet you or Mom will have to sign off on it if I can't have it. I know Mom never will which leaves you." Matty came back around the corner and sat down to put his shoes on. When it came time to tie the tennis shoes, Matty couldn't put his injured leg on the other to tie it and couldn't bend over. Mike knelt down in front of him and tied it. He needed to choose his words carefully and tying the shoes gave him time.

"Son, I have no idea why you think you need to go through this pain. I appreciate it and I love you so, so much but you are not deserving of it. I don't know if you think that because of your mom or what. If she was here, she would be fighting this tooth and nail. Not because she wouldn't want Hannah to survive but no parent wants their baby to go through that sort of pain; even if it means another one of their kids can live. If I could trade places with you; I would in an absolute heartbeat. As far as one of us signing off on it; I don't want to sign off on you having the surgery, with pain meds. Without, I'm not sure I can."

"Well, if it's a choice of rather Hannah is going to pull through this; then I want you to sign off. I'll be okay. Besides, you and Mom will be there, I'm sure. If Hannah is okay then I'll be alright."

"Of course, Mom and I will be there. Your mom, older and younger sisters and Aunt Maggie will be spoiling you like crazy, with or without pain medicine."

"Dad, do you remember when you first found us; and I would sleep in your bed with you, you would let me lay my head on your chest all the time?" Matty had stood up and Mike opened the exam room door.

"Of course. I loved it. Why?" Mike picked up the excuse and they headed out to the car.

"Well, I don't imagine sitting or lying on my backside will be comfortable and I'm a lot bigger and heavier…"

"If you're asking me to hold you like that, I will in a heartbeat. I have always loved it when any of you kids want that. Hannah has been doing it a lot lately. And yes, you are bigger and heavier but I can handle it." Mike and Matty got in the car and Mike headed towards the school.

"I can't believe you are still stay in shape after all these years. You haven't been in the Navy in years but you work out every day. Why?"

"To give you and Max a run for your money. And it became such a habit, years of being a cop and then in the Navy; it was a matter of survival. I also enjoy it. That's why I set the gym up at home. I go in every day, lift weights and run five miles on the treadmill. Why don't you work out more in the gym? With all those sports, it would be prudent. I can't believe your coach doesn't have you guys in the weight room." They had gotten to the school but were just sitting in the car.

"Coach Keller thinks it drains energy. It doesn't make sense to me."

"Max works out with me sometimes and you are welcome." Mike got out of the car and Matty followed him as they walked into the school. Matty nodded at him and they made their way into the principal's office where Principal Hayes, Coach Keller and surprisingly Max were waiting on them.

"What's going on?" Mike sat down next to Max, with Matty on the other side. Max's body language was all over the map and it reminded Mike of how he was after Polly's attacker surfaced. Mike put his arm around Max and rubbed his back to calm him down.

"Well, as if Matthew wasn't enough trouble, Max decides to argue with me during history class. I will be flunking him for the semester for arguing." Coach Keller immediately reminded Mike of a junk yard bulldog.

"Dad, I promise I didn't argue. I was stating my opinion and Coach…" Max looked almost ashamed of himself and Mike was beyond irritated at the Coach.

"Shut up, you little bastard. Everyone knows that you aren't really his son. You are the son of a rapist if anyone could believe your mom…"

"ENOUGH! I will not allow you to talk about my wife or son like that. Either son. Now, Coach Keller, tell me exactly what Max was doing? Was he disrespectful? Wrong? A disruption to the class? Max, I'll talk to you in a minute." Mike was struggling to control his temper and Principal Hayes shot him a look over Max's head.

"I was trying to teach about the Red Flu, specifically about Takehaya's camp. He was a serial murderer. How many of your men did he kill?"

"None. President Pang killed them. Takehaya's real name was Kaito, which you would know if you would read Admiral Chandler's and I's book. He did the wrong things, granted, but he had reasons. When the time was right and when it counted; he did the right thing. Now, I don't like talking about that and I am veering off that subject. Max corrected you with a truth. A truth he has grown up hearing about and seeing the after effects of. If you flunk him, a young man with a perfect GPA and a bright future because you don't like being corrected by a kid who is intimately aware of the details, then I will take this to the State Board of Education and get your teaching license revoked so fast your head will be spinning in circles for decades. Read the book and teach the class correctly. As far as my being Max's father, I've raised him since he was five, and adopted him. I've had to fight to keep him in my life so fighting you isn't such a big deal. I have no issues fighting. Now where Matty is concerned, because of the injury to his hip, he is out of contact sports for three weeks. My wife warned you not to allow him to be tackled but you insisted. Because of that, I spent the morning at the doctor's office with him. The hip isn't broken but it won't take much. Now, Matty's sister, Hannah, who has leukemia, is counting on him giving her a bone marrow donation. Hannah is a student teacher here. Matty may have to have that surgery without sedation or pain killers."

"Your point? He is a wimp."

"Principal Hayes, can this conversation please end? I refuse to listen to these insults. Coach Keller; if you think facing that sort of pain makes my son a wimp…well he's a bigger man than any of us in this room. I don't think I could do it with no pain medicine. This meeting is over. Here is Matty's doctor's excuse. Absolutely no contact sports and I will be at the practices if need be. It's just one more thing to add to a list that includes caring for my dying daughter who her brother is desperately trying to save."

"Coach Keller, you are dismissed but I want you back in this office for a private conversation with me after lunch. I will also be expecting you to bring all school work for Matty and Max, I will be checking it over personally. That is all, for now." Principal Hayes had spoken up and even Mike was a little startled by his tone of voice. Mike knew that Hannah and Principal Hayes were good friends because of Hannah's work with special needs students and he had taken her illness particularly hard, even offering to be tested for the bone marrow transplant. Coach Keller got up and stormed out. Mike nodded over at Matty and quietly told him to call if he was needed. Max still seemed a bit upset and ashamed and Mike nodded at Principal Hayes who was also leaving.

"You okay? I know those comments dredge up a lot of bad memories for you." Mike positioned himself so that he was sitting on the table but looking at Max.

"I just wish I could get past it but at the end of the day, that's all I will be." Max looked totally resigned to it and it made Mike's heart break.

"No, son. You are not that. You are so much more. And your mom knew it when she held you the first time. I knew it the first time I met you. You are my son. No, you don't share the same genetic structure but I have known you almost as long as I've known Matty. What I said earlier goes. Your mom and I fought to keep you because we didn't want you mired down into that fate. We wanted you to have a bright future. So, do me and your mom a favor because we fought so hard for you and we love you so much, don't subject yourself to this and do not allow anyone else to do it for you. Understood?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Max, please don't do this to yourself. I don't want you to give that man the power you are giving him right now. He wins and you lose. Then your mom and I lose and I hate losing." Max nodded at Mike and stood up. Mike pulled him into a hug and held onto him for a minute. Finally Max nodded and pulled away, heading back to class. Mike nodded at Principal Hayes who was on a call in his office and headed back to the car.

When Mike walked back into the house, Maggie and Polly were talking in the kitchen about Hannah's many medications along with the ones Matty needed to take. Mike quietly told both women about the conference with Coach Keller and Mike could tell Polly was hesitating about going however Maggie gave her a pep talk while Mike got a separate pep talk from Hannah who apparently was feeling pretty good. She was insistent that Mike and Polly go and enjoy themselves.

"Daddy, just remember what I told Mom when you guys went to the Bahamas. No babies as a souvenir." For the first time in days, Hannah was smiling broadly despite the radiation sores on the corners of her mouth from beside him on the couch.

"We are past that. No more babies for Mom and me. You will be the next one to bring us home a baby. You and Sam. You guys have been talking a lot." Hannah smiled again and pulled her left hand out from under her blanket, and Mike immediately noticed the engagement ring on her left ring finger. It made him smile.

"I'm glad to see that rock again. Sam has been saving for it for years. It belonged on your finger. When did that happen? It wasn't there this morning."

"He came over while you were gone. Mom was packing your bags. I started to say no, but I just couldn't. Maybe you having all this hope is rubbing off on me." Mike kissed her cheek.

"Well, you will look beautiful in your wedding dress. Mom and Aunt Maggie are going to have a blast planning your wedding. And Sasha too. God, this could get expensive."

"You have a lot of daughters, Dad. And Gabby and Rebecca are close in age. Better start saving now."

"Don't remind me. We'd better get going. Thanks, sweetheart. I love you." Mike stood up and leaned over and kissed Hannah again. She smiled up with him.

"I love you too, Daddy. Enjoy yourselves and get some rest. And nothing to thank me for. I didn't pay for it."

"Nope, just reminded us to rest. Something we both need. You call us if you need anything." Hannah nodded at him and Mike grabbed both his and Polly's bags. Polly held the door open and they headed out for their long weekend.


	13. Chapter 13

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 13

Polly had been working out and dieting for months and was thrilled when she realized that she had gotten back to her size and weight that she had been before she got pregnant with the twins. Mike had never cared what her weight was but had been encouraging throughout the process of dieting. After the twins were born, the doctor had discovered that she had severe thyroid disease. She had had to have her thyroid removed due to a cancerous tumor three years before, not long before Mike and she had gone to the Bahamas. It had been a true storm in their lives. Thankfully her cancer was easily removed and she had never had to have chemo or radiation for it. Despite how horrible things were between her and Mike, he had remained by her side throughout the entire time.

Polly had managed to get into the same nightgown that she had worn on her wedding night with Mike. To most people, it was not a big feat but to her it was huge because she had gained and lost a hundred and seventy pounds since she had gotten pregnant with the twins. The nightgown had stayed in her top dresser drawer as kind of incentive. As she walked out of the bathroom, hoping to take Mike's mind off everything at home, she was greeted by the sound of him snoring, very loudly and not very attractively. Polly snickered into her hand but decided not to wake Mike up. She crawled in next to him and pulled the blanket up further on his chest so he wouldn't wake himself up by being chilled. Most wives would have been aggravated but Polly knew Mike needed rest more than anything else. She immediately remembered Mike staying with her the night that she had her surgery. He could have gone home but opted to stay with her.

 _"Mike, seriously you don't have to stay. I'm okay. You're exhausted. We were at the hospital at four am this morning and I'm sure you didn't sleep last night." The reality was that Polly was miserable. Her throat was on fire and she was uncomfortable. She was scared because the doctor had told her that she would never lose the weight she had gained over the past five years, since she had been diagnosed with her thyroid issue. As troubled as her marriage was, she still had hope that they would work things out; and she wanted to be desirable to her husband._

 _"Maggie, Alec and Hannah have the kids and your sister agreed that one of us needed to be with you. Since I am your husband, I'm the first choice because if something happens medically to you and you can't make your own decisions; I'll have to." Mike had sat down in the uncomfortable looking recliner while Polly stayed in her hospital bed._

 _"I feel fine. I don't foresee anything happening. Complications from this surgery are pretty rare. You look exhausted." Polly was worried about Mike. Between the custody battle for Max, their issues, her cancer diagnosis and just day to day stress, Mike was overwhelmed._

 _"I am tired. The bed in the spare room is not comfortable at all." Mike reclined back in the chair and groaned painfully._

 _"Sorry, Mike."_

 _"For what?" Mike had sat up slightly and looked at Polly._

 _"Everything. Despite the issues we're having; you have been amazing through all this cancer stuff. I know how badly you want us to work out and so do I. If what the doctor was saying is true about my metabolism now; I will never get this weight off. You won't want anything to do with me." It was a stupid fear and Polly knew it but at least it was out in the open. They had been in marriage counseling for months with Pastor John and one of the things that he had pointed out was that neither Mike or Polly would tell the other what their fears or concerns were. Mike had stood back up and walked to Polly's bedside._

 _"In sickness and health? For better or worse? Ringing a bell? Polly, the weight gain is due to a health problem. I know I stated this before we got married but I'll say it again, I fell in love with you, not your body. I will say; your body is still very attractive to me. If we ever get out of this tunnel; I'm not going to care about how big you are. What will matter is that we got through one of the worst periods of our lives. If you don't believe me; that I have no issues with your body, I will shut those blinds on those windows into the hallway, lock the door and have sex with you, right here and now. I get that this isn't about sex though but if that's what it will take for me to prove that you are beautiful then so be it."_

 _"It wouldn't solve any problems. Besides; I am too modest for that. You can't find any of this attractive anyway. Hospital gown? A three inch incision on my throat? This port draining the blood away?" Mike quirked an eyebrow at her and leaned over the bedrail, the kiss that followed was both sweet and passionate. Polly didn't want it to end but her heart monitor started chiming because her heart was racing. Mike pulled away and looked at the monitor with a concerned look._

 _"I'd better stop or your nurse will escort me out of here. Seriously, babe; you are beautiful. If nothing else, I love these curves of yours." Mike winked at her and Polly felt a lot better._

Polly had to smile at the memory. Mike had stayed true to his word because after the surgery, she gained an additional seventy pounds. Once they had worked everything out; the physical intimacy returned to their marriage, and was even quite a bit stronger than it had been before. It was not the most important part of their marriage but it was a part that they enjoyed thoroughly.

It had been nothing short of a miracle that Polly had lost the weight and through it all, Mike had been extremely supportive and encouraging, not allowing her to stress about a diet and making sure she had a fair share of treat days. Polly curled up next to Mike and started getting drowsy. Mike, in his sleep rolled onto his side and wrapped an arm around her. Polly cuddled into his side and fell asleep.

Mike woke up just as the sun was rising and immediately noticed the silky nightgown that Polly was wearing. He recognized it immediately and was thrilled. He thought about waiting until she woke herself because she needed to rest as badly as he did but he was a little too impatient for his own good and started kissing and nibbling along her collar bone. In less than a minute; Polly was awake and had rolled onto her back to give Mike better access. Things were heating up when Mike's cellphone rang on the bedside table.

"Dam…Dadgumit. Talk about horrible timing." Mike looked between the ringing cellphone and Polly like he couldn't decide what he wanted to do it, continue with his wife or answer the phone.

"Who is it?" Mike picked up the phone and read Alec's name. He groaned slightly because he knew he had to answer it. Alec wouldn't call unless it was life or death.

"Your brother in law, I'd better answer it." Mike answered the phone and moved to a sitting position on the edge of the bed and Polly followed him.

"Mike, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have called normally but I had to…"

"Hannah?" Mike was terrified.

"Yes, but no. Doctor Grant called, about an hour ago. Her test results came back from her appointment Wednesday. She is officially in remission. Doctor Grant wanted her here immediately, and they just started the stem cell transplant. As soon as they know she's okay from that, they will be taking Matty in. You've already signed the paperwork for him to have the transplant but Doc needs to talk to you. It's to do with the complications. Here he is." Mike could hear Alec handing the phone to Doc Grant. Polly had gotten up and was grabbing clothes out of both their bags to get dressed.

"Mike, first of all, Hannah is doing really well. Time is of the upmost importance though which means this bone marrow transplant has to take place immediately. I think she'll be okay but because of his injury; I won't be able to sedate him or give him any pain medicine. I've explained the process to Matty but I would be in serious breach of my duties if I didn't tell you; this is going to be hell on Earth for Matty. He is adamant that the procedure happen now. Hannah is not aware of the complications which include, infection, severe pain…"

"Nothing good. Is Matty there with you? Do you need my verbal permission?" Mike's mind was racing.

"Yes, and I know you want to talk to him. I know you are about an hour out; and I will stall as long as I can. I am breaking a rule, once you get here; the nurse will help you scrub in and you will be allowed in the operating room. Typically I would not allow this and the hospital would be against it. If something starts to happen with Matty; you will have to separate yourself emotionally from Matty. With your military background, that might be easier for you than a normal parent. You can object, but I think it might help Matty and he brightened a little when I mentioned it." Mike had dressed while Doctor Grant was talking. He had put the phone on speaker phone so Polly could hear the conversation and she nodded at him. She didn't like it any better than he did but they were in silent agreement.

"Alright, as long as Matty understands the risks and the pain he'll be going through; I can't say no. You have my go ahead. We will be there as quickly as possible. Can I talk to my boy?"

"Yes, sir. Here he is." The phone was being passed again and Mike swallowed deeply before Matty came on the phone.

"Dad, I'm here." Mike immediately noticed the sound of resolve in his son's voice and was humbled.

"Listen, Matty, I will be there soon but probably not before the surgery starts, which means you have to hang tough until I get there. Once I'm there; you can cry, cuss, or scream. Whatever you need. I wish I was there to…"

"Dad, I will be okay as long as Hannah is okay. Don't worry."

"I am going to worry but I need to get off this phone so Mom and I can get there. I love you, so, so, so much, son. More than you will ever know. And Mom loves you too. I'll be there soon."

"I love you guys too." Mike heard the phone being passed again and Alec came back on again.

"Mike, Mags is with Hannah and she's doing wonderfully. The younger kids are with Ryan and Max and Grace is on her way. I am going to call the sheriff of the county you will be driving through so you aren't stopped and I will be going in with Matty until you get here and get scrubbed in. Doc has already given permission."

"Thank you. We are walking out the door. Be there as quick as possible." Mike hung up and Polly had their bags in hand along with the room key. He grabbed the bags and they made their way to the truck and then onto the manager's office for Polly to check out. She ran in, checked out and ran back to the truck.

Mike drove at unthinkable speeds to get to the hospital. Maggie was keeping Polly updated on Hannah who was doing extremely well. Alec had gone into the operating room with Matty and there was no word on how he was doing. As soon as Mike got to the hospital; and started to park, Polly stopped him.

"Babe, pull up front. Get out and go in. I will park and get to Hannah. You get to our boy." Mike nodded at Polly and was out of the truck as soon as he slammed it into park and had his seatbelt off. She jumped out and ran to the driver's side and Mike went inside, where a nurse immediately stopped him.

"Admiral Slattery?"

"Yes? I need to get to my son…"

"I know, sir. I'm the one of the O.R. nurses. Follow me. We'll have scrubbed in." The nurse was barely five foot tall but Mike could barely keep up with her. They walked quickly through hallways and finally she opened up the doors to a room that Mike could change his clothes into. "Alright, here's the scrubs and shoes. As soon as you're done, I'll take you to the scrub room."

"My son?"

"He's hurting but vitals are doing well. Hurry." She stepped out and Mike started throwing on the scrubs. As soon as he opened the door again, the nurse took his clothes and bagged them, and then led him to a scrub room. Mike looked into the scrub room, and saw Matty lying on his stomach. Doctor Grant was near Matty's hips and Alec was sitting on a stool right in front of Matty's head. Mike could hear the sound of drills and the chatter from the staff. His hands and arms were scrubbed vigorously by the nurse and then she put a cap on his head, and a mask on his face. She then led him inside the operating room and put a gown on him, along with gloves on his hands. As soon as Alec saw him, he stood up but kept his hand on Matty's shoulder. Mike took his place on the stool and took Matty's hands in his own. Matty's face was scrunched up and there were tears in his eyes.

"Dad…Daddy." Matty's voice was strained and the tears were flowing freely.

"I'm here, son. Let's talk about your car." Mike glanced up at Doc and he nodded. Mike knew it was about to get even worse for Matty. He could hear the sound of another drill, but this time, it was going through bone. Mike squeezed Matty's hands and continued. "So, you want it painted black?"

"Ye…yes. Cream interior."

"Not black, huh?" Mike was barely keeping it together but he had to remain strong for Matty.

"N…No. I haven't decided though if I want the matte exterior or shiny. Wh…what do you think, Dad…Daddy?" The drilling was continued along with a lot of conversation. Mike had noticed that Matty had reverted back to calling him 'Daddy' but Mike didn't care in the least.

"I like shiny better. Matte just looks unfinished."

"Matty, what kind of car is it?" Doctor Grant said from his position.

"A 1970 Mercury Cyclone Boss. Daddy got it for my birthday."

"Nice car. Restoring it?" Mike nodded at him.

"Yes."

"Matty, believe it or not, we are done. How are you feeling?" Even Doc seemed relieved.

"Hurt." Mike teared up at Matty's description. It was only one word but it described so much.

"We are bandaging you up now. As soon as were done here, we'll transfer you to a regular bed. It will feel best to lie on your stomach. Mike; I will get this to Hannah. She'll be done within a half hour and it won't be anything like this for her."

"Remember, Doc, you can't tell her I didn't have any pain medicine or anything." Matty's voice was scratchy and Mike put a hand on his shoulder.

"I won't but she'll figure it out." Doc was handed the sample and made his way out of the room. Mike felt split in two directions because he desperately wanted to be close to Hannah too but Matty was not in good shape at all. The nurses gently transferred Matty to another bed and Mike followed them out. Alec had disappeared as soon as Mike got there but was waiting outside the room, holding Mike's bag of clothes for him. Mike and Alec stepped into a bathroom while the nurses got Matty settled in a room. As soon as Mike got close to a trash can, he started throwing up. It was a weird response but Alec grabbed the bag and rubbed his back.

"That was the single worst thing I have ever witnessed." Mike had finally stopped vomiting but had slumped against a wall.

"It was horrific. So did you at least take advantage of your time away? "Mike knew what Alec was asking and chuckled slightly.

"Well, she had ideas and I fell asleep. Then, this morning, we had woke up before you called and I was…"

"Enough. I don't need to know anymore."

"You asked? You have horrible timing by the way. I was just getting her…"

"Mike, I have known Polly for over thirty years, she was eight when her sister and I started dating. I don't need to know this. She is practically my sister. Forgive me for asking." Mike had gone into one of the stalls to change clothes and started laughing. He would have aggravated Alec further but he wanted to get back to Matty. He had a promise to keep.

Grace, Polly and Maggie were outside waiting on Mike and Alec. Mike immediately picked up that Grace was highly aggravated about something but Mike didn't care. His main concern was Hannah and Matty. Grace would just have to understand. The nurse told him what room Matty was in and gave them an update on Hannah, which was good. Maggie, Alec and Polly walked into the room but Grace caught his arm before Mike walked in.

"What the hell, Dad? No pain medication or sedation? That is nothing short of child abuse." Mike pushed Grace into an empty waiting room so that Matty and the other patients weren't disturbed.

"I have never abused any of you kids. Matty wanted this so Hannah could…"

"No, Dad. You just neglect and abandon us. You've been doing it for years and it hasn't gotten any better."

"Grace, you are twenty eight years old, married with two kids of your own. If you feel I neglected you, you're right, I did. But I have spent every moment in the last eight years trying to be a better father to all of you. I am sorry for everything you have gone through and my part in it. Now, I am done with this conversation. I promised your brother, my son, that I would hold him. I am not breaking that promise. If you don't like it, I'm sorry. Now, go home. I can't have you acting like this here." Mike started to walk away but Grace grabbed his arm and slapped him across the face. It shocked him and took everything he had not to react but he couldn't. Instead, he just walked away and walked into Matty's room. Not even looking back towards Grace.

Polly noticed the red mark on the side of Mike's face but choose not to draw attention to it. Mike had gently laid down on the hospital bed and Matty immediately laid his head on Mike's chest. Mike wrapped both arms around him and maneuvered him to lie on top of Mike. Within a few moments, Matty was sound asleep and Maggie and Alec had gone to get Mike and Polly a couple breakfast sandwiches.

"Mike, what happened in there?" Polly needed to know and Mike kissed the top of Matty's head and rubbed his back.

"She called me letting Matty have the surgery with no painkillers child abuse. Then she said I just neglect the kids. I told her to go home and as I walked away, she slapped me." Polly could see the heartbreak in Mike's eyes and was infuriated at Grace.

"Oh, Mike. What are you going to do?"

"I have no idea. Right now, concentrate on Matty and Hannah. I'll figure it out."

"Is there anything I can do?" Polly had walked around the bed and was rubbing Mike's shoulder.

"I honestly don't know. I'm hoping Ryan can talk some sense into her. It's not like Grace at all." Mike was near tears but he concentrated back on his sleeping son.

"I'll call Ryan to check on the kids, explain what happened. I hate him being in the middle but I also don't want him blindsided." Polly grabbed her cellphone out of her purse and leaned down and kissed Mike.

"Can you check on Hannah at the same time?"

"Absolutely." Polly kissed the top of Matty's head and left the room. Mike finally let the tears overflow. Was letting Matty make the decision not to have pain medication child abuse? All to save Hannah. Her life was worth saving but the pain that Matty was in was off the charts and Mike hated himself for allowing it. He let a fifteen year old make a major medical decision.

Polly was absolutely fuming mad. She loved her oldest stepdaughter as much as she loved her own children but Grace had called her own father a child abuser, someone who had shown her nothing but love and attention. She went by the nurse's desk and they told her that Doctor Grant was just finishing with Hannah and she was doing extremely well. She would be moved into the room with Matty to make things easier for both patients and their family. Polly texted Mike to let him know and then found a quiet place where she could call her nephew.

 _"Hey, Aunt Polly. How's everything?" Polly had to smile at her nephew's chipper voice. He had always been happy go lucky and just hearing his voice calmed her nerves._

 _"Matty is okay and they are finishing with Hannah now. She's doing good. Have you talked to Grace?"_

 _"Um…yes."_

 _"Ryan, I am asking this and I don't mean to put you in the middle. Did she tell you what she said to Mike? And that she slapped him?"_

 _"Yes. She called me right after. I just told her to get back here and to leave her dad alone. I will try and settle her down. Aunt Polly, I have no idea what is going on with her but I am worried." Polly could hear the concern in Ryan's voice and knew she had to find a way to reassure him, despite being angry at Grace._

 _"Ryan, Mike isn't going to just stop loving Grace. He's worried about her too. He's hurt, really, really hurt but he loves Grace. I hate to ask but have you seen anything out of the ordinary concerning Mikey or Hope?" Polly really hated asking because Grace loved her kids but Mike and she would not stand for the two little ones being hurt in anyway._

 _"Not abuse wise, no. And not where Mikey is concerned, but with Hope, she doesn't hold her. It's weird and I don't know how to explain it. She'll pick her up, put her in her bouncy seat, or swing, on the floor, wherever. She doesn't hold her or cuddle with her like she did with Mikey. How did she handle it when I was deployed? I just noticed it last night and I had no idea how to even handle it. I'm worried about Grace but I'm really worried about Hope. Can't the lack of a bond with her mom be bad? And I haven't been here…I feel really bad for my baby girl."_

 _"Hey, Hope is loved. Your parents, Mike and me. Her aunts and uncles. And Grace does love her."_

 _"Then why won't she hold her?" Polly could tell that Ryan's mind was in overdrive._

 _"Sweetie, settle down. I think Grace has postpartum depression. I had it after Gabby was born."_

 _"Oh, that's bad. I have read where moms that have that drown their kids and stuff…"_

 _"Ryan, those are the most severe cases. I don't think Grace is that bad at all. As soon as I know all is well with Matty and Hannah, I will head home. It's best that I deal with it."_

 _"How'd you get over it?"_

 _"I don't know that you get over it, but I met Mike when Gabby was just shy of six months old. I had been a widow with two small kids and was exhausted. There was no reason to laugh or joke, but Mike is a mess. Once we get Matty and Hannah home and recovering; Mike and I will take the kids for a weekend. I want you to take Grace away. Mike and I will pay for it but she needs some alone time with her husband. Every couple needs it at times. And you and Grace haven't had it in three years."_

 _"Will Mike be okay with that? He has to be angry."_

 _"Hurt, he's hurt. Not angry. He loves his daughter and he loves those grandbabies. Now, I'd better get back because they will bring Hannah back soon. How are the kids? Behaving?" Polly knew that if they weren't Ryan would tell her but she still needed to ask._

 _"They're okay. I will stay with them until you get here. It would be a bit much for Max. Just so you know though, Grace does feel bad about what happened with her dad. She doesn't think it can be fixed."_

 _"Maybe not fixed but built from. Just assure her that her dad and I love her." Polly had stood up from her seat in the waiting room and started walking back towards the hospital room._

 _"Alright, she just pulled in. I'll tell her, Aunt Polly. I love you."_

 _"Love you too. Just be patient. I'll get home as soon as possible._

Polly hung up just as she reached the hospital room, but meant Hannah in the hallway. She was doing so well that they just had her in a wheelchair. Her coloring was a lot better and Polly could tell her energy was returning. She immediately asked about Matty but then stopped when she saw Mike holding Matty on the hospital bed. The nurse wanted her to lie in the other hospital bed but instead Hannah got up in Matty's bed on Mike's other side and laid down beside him with her head on his shoulder. The nurse adjusted her IV and wisely didn't argue. Mike wrapped his free arm around her and Polly pulled a blanket over the three of them. Hannah was sound asleep in no time at all.

"I spoke with Ryan. Kids are okay. He knows about what happened with Grace. I promised him I would come home as soon as I knew these two were okay. I told him to assure Grace that you and I still loved her. I know you are hurting right now but I also know you. I think what I said about the postpartum depression is correct. Did Christine ever have any issues?" Polly patted Mike's leg since he was holding both Matty and Hannah.

"Maybe what she said was right. Maybe it was child abuse, what I did, letting a fifteen year old subject himself to this? As far as Christine was concerned, maybe a bit after Hannah was born but it was my fault. I had wanted a boy and she blamed herself, then I deployed. Of course, I didn't blame her but she felt I should. She only ever wanted to be a mom and wife but she thought she was a failure."

"Will you be okay here by yourself with these two? I imagine Maggie and Alec will be back soon but they'll want to head home. As far as it being child abuse, I see it that you allowed Matty to make a very mature decision and he choose to save his sister's life at great personal cost. And as his mom, I agreed. If it was abuse, I am in lock, stock and barrel. Matty would not have been happy if this opportunity was surpassed and Hannah suffered further. You are an amazing father, Mike. If you were abusive or neglectful, you wouldn't be doing what you're doing right now. You wouldn't have gone into that operating room. You love these kids more than life itself. If I thought for one second; you were abusive, I would not have allowed you to adopt Max and Gabby or had Tommy and Rebecca with you. And if you were that bad; Matty would not have asked you to hold him like this and Hannah wouldn't have laid down like she did. You are a phenomenal husband and father. And when I spoke to Ryan, he said that Grace felt horribly. Give her a chance to correct the statement before you start believing it. Now, concentrate on these two and I'll handle Grace. She needs a mom for this one."

"You are mad at her though." Mike looked incredibly forlorn and Polly rubbed his leg.

"I was, a little. I was mad because of how badly you are hurting but as a mother; I understand where Grace is coming from." Maggie and Alec walked in and the conversation ended. After a little conversation, Polly, Maggie and Alec left, leaving Mike by himself with Hannah and Matty who were both sound asleep.


	14. Chapter 14

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 14

Polly was relieved to see Grace's SUV at the house when she pulled in. She and Maggie had talked at length and Maggie had ridden home with her. They both agreed that as Grace's mother figures, it had to be them that dealt with Grace. Ryan and Max could take care of the kids while they talked to her. Both women felt a sense of dread because they had no words and they knew that Grace had a horrific temper. The conversation may go badly. Ryan was the variable but he couldn't handle it on his own. When they walked in, Grace was fidgeting in the kitchen and looked completely ashamed of herself. Her eyes were red rimmed and she was near tears again.

"Come on, let's go talk. Polly, your room? " Maggie had taken Grace by the shoulders and Polly was just following along. Maybe the right thing was to let the older, wiser woman handle it. Thankfully Grace was allowing herself to be guided. They sat down on Mike and Polly's bed with the bedroom door closed.

"How's Matty and Hannah?" Grace looked completely forlorn. A lot like Mike had looked.

"When I left, they were sleeping. Hannah's test results have been good so far. Matty's in a lot of pain and his only request has been that your dad hold him." Polly put her hand over Grace's and squeezed it.

"That's good. I always felt better when Dad would hold me. Doubt he'll ever want to do that again. Probably not want to even have me around." The tears were rolling down Grace's face and Polly handed her some tissues.

"You might be surprised. Your dad loves you a lot. No matter how old you get, how many babies of your own that you have; you are still your dad's baby." Polly could tell she wasn't getting through to Grace, and it might be a job for Mike.

"I slapped him. Said he was abusive and neglectful. The only reason Dad will even want me around now is because of Mikey and Hope. He loves them."

"And without you, he wouldn't have them." Maggie had finally jumped in with a calm voice. Grace was getting worked up and Maggie had a way of calming her.

"Maybe, and they would all be better off." Maggie and Polly eyed each other over Grace's head.

"How so?" Polly wrapped an arm around Grace and hugged her close.

"The kids? Ryan told me earlier…I guess I hadn't noticed…I don't hold Hope. I carry her to her bouncy seat or her quilt, crib, whatever. I don't rock her or cuddle her like I did with Mikey. I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it. And if my dad finds that out, he will be completely ashamed of me. She's four months old. Maybe that's why she's been so fussy. When one of you guys take her, she's happy and smiling but when she's with me, she just cries."

"Sweetie, when Gabby was born, I was a widow. I had two young kids. I was completely overwhelmed. There were times, I couldn't handle it. I would leave her in her crib and just let her cry. I would make sure she was dry and fed, warm enough and such but I just couldn't handle it. I didn't know how to make her happy because I wasn't happy. I was overwhelmed. I was suddenly a single parent to two young children, one of which, would never know her birth father. I loved my kids but it was just too much. In a lot of ways you were in a similar situation." Polly was rubbing Grace's shoulder as she talked to her and Grace had more or less collapsed into her.

"But Ryan is alive? Paul wasn't. I guess I don't understand."

"Yes but you are a single parent for months at a time. It's on you to pay bills and keep the kids happy. Ryan comes home and he's the fun parent. You're the disciplinarian. The one that has to take the kids for their shots, make them mind, and Ryan gets fun. You get the exhausted. That's where I was." Grace nodded in understanding at Polly's explanation.

"But that doesn't excuse not cuddling Hope. Or slapping Dad, calling him those things." Grace had stood up and walked to Mike's dresser. She picked up a picture of the two of them on her wedding day and then sat back down on the bed, still holding the picture.

"Alright, I am not asking you this as Ryan's mom or accusing you of anything because I know that you love Mikey and Hope; specifically where Hope is concerned, did you ever feel like you might hurt her in some way?" Maggie asked the question because it had to be asked and they had both agreed, it would be better coming from Maggie.

"No! I would never do that. You mean like shake her or something? No! I just couldn't…I don't know but I would never do that to her. You didn't actually think…?" Grace was getting very upset, very quickly.

"Sweetie, we know you love Hope and we also know that you wouldn't hurt her like that. It was a question that had to be asked though. It kind of allows us to gauge what's going on. I'll be right back." Maggie stood up and walked out of the bedroom. Grace looked completely confused and hurt.

"What's she doing?" Grace looked at Polly like she expected her to have all the answers. Polly took the picture out of Grace's hands and sat it on Mike's bedside table to free up Grace's hands.

"She's getting Hope. You are going to hold her. We'll be right here the whole time."

"You aren't scared I'll hurt her?" Polly smiled at Grace's comment which only confused the young women further.

"I know you won't hurt her but you have to know you won't. You are going to hold her and no one is going to take her when she fusses. You won't lay her down in the crib or sit her in her playpen. You need to hold her. That baby just wants her mommy." Maggie had walked back in with the baby with a bottle in her other hand. Hope had just woke up and been changed. As soon as she saw Grace, she smiled at her but even looked a bit confused when Maggie put her in Grace's lap.

"Grace, hold her on your chest. She'll feel your heart beating. She wants that." Grace looked confused but adjusted the baby to where she had her head leaned on Grace's chest. Hope was running her hands in Grace's long hair and looked at Polly with a smile. The baby seemed really content.

"I realized something. When you had her, Maggie and I were there with you and you were so tired from that long labor. We hogged her and then your dad got there and he took over. Plus all the aunts and uncles. In a lot of ways, we didn't allow Hope to bond with you because in our mind, you were tired and needed to rest. It set the tone." Grace was still holding the baby and had kissed her on top of the head several times. Polly felt badly for her because in many ways; it had been her own family that impeded Grace bonding with the baby.

"Yeah, but that doesn't excuse not holding her when we got home." Grace looked so guilty; it broke both Maggie and Polly's hearts.

"In a way it does. It's like a runaway train. You didn't even realize it. You didn't set out to do it. And when you got overwhelmed, one of us was there to grab Mikey and Hope. We never gave you a chance to be her mother. We did it because we love you and her. But the mistake lies with us." Polly rubbed Grace's shoulder but the young woman was not convinced. Thankfully, she was still holding Hope. She had adjusted her again and was feeding the baby her bottle. She hadn't broken eye contact with Hope at all and the baby girl was smiling around her bottle.

"Well, that makes sense, I guess but Dad will be…"

"Your dad will understand it better than you realize. He has the same problem with Hannah and Matty. When Hannah was born, he didn't allow himself to bond with her and when Matty was born, as you know, he wasn't there. It was a runaway train but in your case; Hope is still young enough, that you will be fine. If she was older, bonding would be harder but you're lucky. Ryan caught onto it and brought it to our attention. And it's already being fixed." Polly pointed down at Hope who had stopped drinking her bottle and was smiling at Grace. Grace smiled back down at her and handed the bottle to Polly as she lifted her up and kissed her cheek. It was the first time Polly or Maggie had ever seen her actually kiss the baby like that and they both smiled at her. Hope was babbling happily and didn't seem the least bit fussy. She was acting like what Grace was doing was the most normal thing in the world.

"I am so sorry, baby girl. I love you." Grace was holding the baby close and rubbing her back. Hope had cuddled close and had her head on Grace's shoulder and was looking at her mom with a huge smile on her face. "It won't be this easy with Dad. I really hurt him. More than I have ever hurt him. And I don't know how to fix it." Grace looked over at Polly with a very forlorn look.

"The fix isn't so different. Yes, your dad is hurt. But, you are his baby girl. He loves you just as much as you love Hope. 'I'm sorry, Daddy, I love you' would go a long ways. You had him questioning himself. He actually thought what he did was abusive. It was simply parenting what he did." Polly let Hope wrap her hand around her index finger and squeezed Grace's hand.

"I guess I don't understand. It seemed cruel to me." Polly could tell Grace was still slightly angry about the decision that Mike had allowed Matty to make. Thankfully her very wise sister had an answer.

"I remember when Ryan was little; he had a fascination with the heat stove. Always wanting to touch it. I would tell him it was hot and jerk his hand back. One day, Alec's mom was at the house. She noticed me doing it. She gave me, probably the best parenting advice I've ever had and I am about to tell you. She told me to let him touch the heat stove. I thought she was crazy. How could I let my baby burn his hand? His mom was the wisest person I ever knew. I was a young mom and I thought I knew everything. She told me 'He isn't going to learn if you constantly pull him away from the pain. Sometimes you just have to feel pain to learn from it. Let him get burnt, hold him when he cries, and I can guarantee, he'll never touch that heat stove again.' She was right. The next day, I let Ryan touch it, and he immediately started screaming. He jerked his hand away and never touched it again. I held him. Let him cry. I had to call her to see what to do for the burn and he still has the scar on his left hand. But he learned a lesson. Your dad did the same thing with Matty. He allowed him to suffer to learn from it. It isn't pleasant for Matty but for your dad, it's pure hell. Ryan made the decision to touch the heat stove and Matty made the decision to have the surgery with no pain medicine. Sometimes, the only thing a parent can do is hold their child after the pain hits. That's what your dad has done. Now, Matty's reasons are good and with a lot of luck and prayers, Hannah will be alright. I promise, though, Matty's pain is minor compared to your dad's."

"I wondered where that scar come from. I guess that makes sense. Mikey likes to play with the door, right by the hinges. I tell him that he'll pinch himself but he doesn't believe me. I hate to think it but maybe he needs to get his finger pinched. Just not sure Dad will forgive me that easily."

"I am going to go back up there tonight and I'll talk to him. Doc told me that Hannah and Matty will be ready to come home tomorrow. I suggest you give your dad the distance he needs for the time being. He's hurting, and not just because of you. Because, for every hurt one of you kids go through, it's magnified where you Dad is concerned. He feels that Hannah's illness if a punishment for him. And he blames himself for Matty feeling that he needed to go through this pain. Now, I did tell Ryan earlier, we are going to watch the kids for you and Ryan. It'll give you a chance to just go and be a married couple. Long weekend. Don't worry about the kids. Every couple needs it. Maggie and Alec do it and they have been married forever. Your dad and I aren't as good about it but it's something every couple should do, at least once a year." Polly hugged Grace close and kissed the top of her head and Maggie nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, you gotta just go do couple things. Sometimes, it's just sleeping too." Maggie added in and then blushed at her own comment. Grace had even raised her head from Polly's shoulder. There was no doubt in anyone's mind; Maggie and Alec were completely in love with one another. They had been high school sweethearts and often teased Mike and Polly about being an old married couple.

"Mags, you're embarrassing yourself. Do you have some sort of secret to tell?" Polly had to tease her older sister. Mostly because it was making Grace smile.

"What? Me? No." Maggie's cheeks were bright pink and both Polly and Grace were curious.

"I heard Alec say something to Ryan about taking you to Hawaii for your thirtieth anniversary. Is that it?" Grace had an ornery look on her face that reminded Polly of the same face that Mike would make. Even Hope was babbling and laughing at her nana.

"That man cannot keep a secret." Maggie stood up and kissed the top of Grace and Hope's head.

"I'm just trying to figure out why you are so embarrassed. It sounds like a nice trip. Mike and I managed one night away." Grace rolled her eyes because she had already figured out the conversation was going to turn south.

"And he fell asleep?" Maggie and Polly had talked a little about how exhausted Mike had been on the car ride back home.

"Yeah, he's tired." All three women were standing but Grace still had ahold of Hope and was trying desperately to ignore the other two women. Polly figured she would just walk away but she didn't.

"And you put all that work into wearing the same nightie you wore on your wedding night? Did Mike even notice?" Maggie winked at Polly because Grace was looking highly embarrassed and it was humorous to them.

"Oh, he noticed. Your husband has bad timing. Really, really bad timing. You have no idea how bad…"

"Oh, my word. You guys are horrible. Hope doesn't need to hear this. We're going in the living room." Grace dodged out of the bedroom like she was on fire and both Maggie and Polly started laughing. They followed her out into the living room. Grace was still holding Hope and the baby was almost asleep in her mother's arms. Ryan had a very relieved look on his face and had kissed Grace's temple.

"Alright, I have to pack Mike a bag and get some stuff for Matty and Hannah. Doc said depending on Matty's pain level and Hannah's blood test results, we should be home tomorrow morning. Kids, do you want to make some cards for your brother and sister?" Polly asked her three youngest kids and they immediately jumped up to get construction paper, markers, glitter and stickers. Maggie sat them down at the dining room table. Mikey wanted to make one for his grandpa because Mike was his favorite person. Max jumped in to help him and Grace followed Polly back into the bedroom, still carrying Hope.

"I know you want me keep my distance from Dad. You're worried I'll hurt him even more and that's understandable. I hate what I did to him. Dad has done nothing but love and support me and I hurt him in the worst possible way. I have no idea how I'll even face him. And I'm sure you'll tell him about me not holding Hope, not bonding with her. He adores Mikey and Hope and he'll think…I don't even know. He will be…totally ashamed of me. And I hate that." Grace had sat back down on the bed and kissed the top of her sleeping baby's head. Polly had a bag out and was throwing in comfortable clothes for Mike.

"Sweetie, he's your dad. Loving his kids comes naturally to him. And as much as he loves Mikey and Hope, he loves you more. You are his firstborn and the reason his family was together when he found you all. You fought hard to keep your family together and gave up so much. Yes, he is hurt by your actions. And that is why he walked away. If he had stayed; he would have said something and caused real damage. As far as Hope is concerned, as long as you fix it, he'll be okay. I won't hide it from him. I don't think he'll be ashamed of you because he understands it. I am not asking you to stay away as a way to protect your dad. He needs to focus on Hannah and Matty and once he gets home; he'll want to help you. He can't do it all. I promise, it's just simply a way to keep him from being overwhelmed. Now, I need to get Matty and Hannah's stuff packed." Grace followed Polly out of the master bedroom and into Hannah's room. She laid Hope down on the bed and helped Polly find comfortable clothes and then went and got clothes for Matty to pack in the same bag.

Within a half hour; Polly was back on the road with the cards from the kids and clothes for her husband and kids. She was ready for this trial to be over with. It had only been a few weeks since they had found out about Hannah's diagnosis but they were all exhausted and overwhelmed.


	15. Chapter 15

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 8

When Polly walked back into the hospital room, Hannah had moved over to her own hospital bed and was quietly talking to Sam. Matty was still asleep and Mike hadn't moved an inch, still tightly holding on to Matty. Polly put the bags down and handed Hannah her cards from the kids. Her color was returning and her smile had brightened. Mike looked drawn and tired and was cradling Matty close.

"Kids are good. Mikey sent this card for you because you're his favorite person." Polly handed the homemade card to Mike and smoothed her hand over Matty's forehead, checking for fever. Thankfully there wasn't one and Matty opened an eye and smiled slightly when he saw Polly and then moaned in pain. Polly sat down next to Mike and rubbed Matty's back. Matty was not interested in sitting up and stayed with his head on his father's chest. Mike had one arm wrapped around him and was looking at Mikey's card with his other hand. "How are you feeling, son?" Polly smoothed his hair and kept her hand on his shoulder.

"Hurt." Matty only had one interest and that was that Mike stayed close. It made Polly's heart hurt for both of them.

"Hungry? Thirsty? "Polly was worried about Matty, especially when he shook his head at her. She had never seen him refuse food and she had known him most of his life, even before Mike came back in the picture.

"The nurse came in and gave him a pain shot a little bit ago. She said he just needs to sleep through it. Doc thinks they will still be able to go home tomorrow as long as they can manage Matty's pain. Sissy's tests look good, really, really good in fact." Matty had gone back to sleep and Mike had lowered his voice. Polly leaned over and kissed Mike's cheek and then whispered in his ear.

"I talked at length to Grace. She's very remorseful. I know you are hurting right now. She is afraid what she said and did has destroyed her relationship with you. And there is another issue, in regards to Hope." Mike's eyes had gone wide when Polly mentioned Hope.

"What's wrong with Hope? Is she okay?" Polly realized how overwhelmed Mike was, because his eyes had filled with tears.

"She's fine. Happy as can be. When I seen her, she was all smiles." Mike gave Polly a confused look but seemed slightly relieved. Mike adored Hope and Mikey. "Mike, do you remember telling me how you didn't bond with Hannah?"

"Of course." Mike had glanced across the room at Hannah and Sam. She was completely consumed in her conversation with Sam and was paying no attention whatsoever.

"Mike, if you remember when Hope was born, Grace had been in labor for over thirty six hours. Maggie and I immediately hogged the baby. Grace went to sleep, she was exhausted. She and the kids stayed with us the first week and you and I still hogged Hope. We thought we were helping Grace but the reality was, we really hurt her…"

"I'm not following. Grace needed help. Ryan was deployed; she had two young kids and was sore from the birth. We did what any parent would do." Mike was starting to look defensive and Polly rubbed his arm to calm him.

"We didn't allow her to bond with Hope. Anytime she started getting overwhelmed, one of us would swoop in and take over."

"I…I just wanted to help my daughter. She was exhausted. It doesn't explain this morning." Mike looked completely heartbroken and Polly squeezed his hand.

"In a way it does. Grace raised Matty, during his most formative years. She's not only his sister. Matty seeks you and I out now, for comfort, love, anything he needs but I think Grace is still a little jealous. She saw us swooping in to take care of her own kids and then you allowing Matty to do this and caring for Hannah. I understand and support your decision. She had no say. Not where Matty was concerned and you and I slowly were taking over where Mikey and especially Hope was concerned. I guess in some way; it's jealousy. I know it wasn't intentional and it wasn't just you and I, Maggie and Alec had done the same thing we did."

"Makes sense, I guess. So we back away where Mikey and Hope is concerned? What about the postpartum depression?" Mike still looked really worried.

"Yes and no. As far as postpartum depression, Maggie and I aren't so sure it was that. Hope just wanted her mommy. We forced Grace to hold her and Hope never fussed a bit. Was smiling and everything. We forced Grace to bond with her baby. I think she's good where that's concerned. I did tell her and Ryan both that you and I would watch the kids so they could get away for a weekend. Be a couple." Polly smiled at Mike because he had an ornery look on his face.

"Uhh…I don't even want to think about that. Yes, we'll watch the kids. We didn't get our weekend away."

"I know. I had plans. You did notice what I was wearing this morning, at least." Polly smiled at Mike and rubbed his shoulder again.

"I liked what I saw, but Alec needs to work on his timing. You could have woke me up last night."

"You needed to rest and as far as Alec's timing, you would have been upset if he had waited five minutes." Polly leaned over to make sure Hannah was still distracted and Matty was sound asleep.

"True. Although, my plans would have taken longer than five minutes." The ornery look had returned and Polly had to laugh.

"Well, I will wear it again if you keep that promise. How are you going to handle Grace?" Polly stood up but leaned over and kissed Mike.

"Not sure. It really hurt, what she did but I am trying to see it from her viewpoint." Mike wrapped both arms around Matty and readjusted the fifteen year old.

"Mike, she is really, really tore up. She is terrified that she's lost you. And you're hurt and angry. Grace's life has not gone the way you or Christine planned. You wanted her to be a nurse, correct?"

"That was the plan but…"

"Instead a plague hit, and your fourteen year old daughter watched her brother die, then watched her mother die in childbirth. She could have done the easy thing and told the doctor's that she was only fourteen but instead she began caring for a nine year old and an infant. She relied on no one. Five years later, you show up and immediately take over. You take custody of Hannah and Matty, and acquire a new wife and four more children. Hannah and Matty get a normal life and you get to raise your kids. Meanwhile, Grace marries and has two of her own kids. She isn't what you planned. She is a mom and a wife. She works but I think deep down, she thinks she has disappointed you. She's married and she loves Ryan but you are the one person in her life that she strives to…make happy, gain approval from, and make proud. She's scared that she hasn't. And now, it's even worse because she is worried that you will be disappointed in her for not bonding with Hope." Polly could tell Mike's mind was in overdrive. She sat down in the chair next to Matty's bed and waited for Mike's response.

"I hadn't thought of all that. I've encouraged her to take college classes but after Mikey was born, she was against it."

"In a way, I think that was telling Grace that she wasn't good enough. I know that wasn't your intention. You wanted your daughter to succeed but instead you have a daughter that has a seventh grade education. She works a dead end job and she isn't fulfilled. For a lot of women, including me, my fulfillment doesn't come from working. It comes from being a wife and mom. I think Grace is like that but you are goal oriented. You strove to be an Admiral and you made it happen. Grace is afraid that her just wanting to be a wife and mom isn't good enough for you and then we all turn around and take over care of Mikey and Hope. The one thing she has done, raise Matty, is taken away. She has no say in his care or his medical decisions. I understand and agree with you, you are Matty's father. His emotional and physical health is your responsibility until he is eighteen. You made a parenting choice that Grace didn't agree with. To her, letting Matty make that decision was abusive. Now she is seeing her own failings as a mother and wife. The one thing Grace can do, even if she feels it's not good enough for you, she's screwed up. It's a perfect storm." Polly squeezed Mike's hand and smiled at him. He doubted everything and she knew it.

"God, I feel like a total screw up." Mike rubbed a hand over his face.

"How so?"

"Because I think Grace was right. The other night I called Matty stupid and blamed him for his mother's death, and then I turn around and let him, a fifteen year old, choose to have a very painful procedure. Maybe, deep down, I was punishing him." Matty, in his sleep, had wrapped both arms around Mike's neck and put his head on Mike's shoulder.

"For what?"

"That's the problem, I don't know. I don't blame him for Christine's death so I really don't know." Matty was moving around and moaning in pain. Mike readjusted him in hopes of relieving the pain. Polly rubbed the fifteen year old's shoulder and tucked the blanket around him.

"Mike, you are an amazing father. If you felt like punishing Matty, you would not be here now, holding him. He's seeking you out for comfort because that is what you have provided him with anytime he needed it. He would be lying in this bed, alone. I know you also feel like Hannah's illness is a punishment but it isn't. I know right now, things seem dark, but we've been through worse and when it happened, we couldn't see the light, but its there. As far as Grace is concerned, I think I know what she needs. It's not something you've done in a long time and I think it's time." Polly sat down next to Mike again, more to comfort Matty who was crying out in his sleep, in pain.

"What?"

"She needs her dad. Not the grandpa of her kids. Every time she's called or came by, we all focus on the kids. When's the last time you asked her about work? Took her to lunch? And it's not just you because I've done it and so have Maggie and Alec. Grace, by definition, is not a selfish person. She understands that the kids are a priority for all of us. I think if any of us had taken the time to ask her, maybe we might have realized how overwhelmed and tired she was. She thinks the only importance she has now is because of Mikey and Hope. When's the last time you told her that you love her?" Polly could see the shock and pain on Mike's face and knew he was remembering.

"God, I…I don't remember? Last year on her birthday? That doesn't even seem right? Father's Day? I have no idea." Mike rubbed his face with his hand and then rubbed Matty's shoulder.

"The last time I remember you saying it to her was her birthday, late spring last year. You might have since but that's the last time I remember. So when these two go on the mend, you are going to take a day out with Grace. Ryan can watch the kids and if he isn't available, I will. Whatever she wants to do. You take days out with all the kids but haven't with Grace since she and Ryan came home with Mikey. I think she needs some time with her daddy. It's not a cure for what happened this morning but it might stop it from happening again. Also, Grace is really worried that you will be disappointed in her for not bonding with Hope. You have faced a similar issue so understanding would go a long way. Thankfully, we caught it a lot earlier. Remember telling me that you didn't like that Christine was content to just be a wife and mom? You thought it screwed with her self-image. Grace is her mother all over again. Navy wife, small kids, the whole bit. Only problem is that she knows you weren't thrilled that that was what Christine wanted for herself and now Grace wants it for herself."

"I've sent her a lot of mixed signals. The kids tell me I have a bad habit of that." Mike seemed to cuddle Matty even closer, almost like she had to have him to hold onto.

"You do. It's your one flaw as a husband and father." Polly leaned over and kissed Mike's cheek and leaned onto his other shoulder.

"I do it to you too?"

"Mmm-Hmm. It confuses the younger kids, upsets the older ones and I have learned to deal with it. You are really an amazing husband and father and we are all really blessed to have you, Mike. Nobody can be perfect. And you are as close to perfect as can be. Fix this with Grace, get these two healed up, and go from there." Polly kissed Mike again and then rested her head on Mike's shoulder, almost immediately going to sleep. Matty had settled down and Hannah had fallen asleep with Sam holding her hand on the other side of the room.

Mike had been warned before about sending mixed signals to his kids. He hadn't realized that he was doing it to Polly too. He wrapped his free arm around his sleeping wife and made sure his son was settled. Hannah was being well taken care of and seemed to be getting better by the moment. Watching Polly sleeping reminded him of their first full day in the Bahamas.

 _Polly was sound asleep with Mike's arms wrapped around her. They had_ talked _all night, about everything. It had felt good getting everything out in the open. They had talked, laughed and cried. Polly was only a week out from her thyroid surgery and was still recovering. She had finally passed out about four am. Mike had stayed awake watching her._

 _He would have liked to have reestablished the physical intimacy but he also knew his wife was still recovering and had been pretty traumatized, having to face the man who had raped her. He was not going to rush her. About eight, Polly woke up and smiled at him. He had napped off and on, mostly just preferring to watch Polly. They could hear the waves crashing outside and smell the ocean through the open windows. Hannah had outdone herself in regards to their entire trip._

 _"Did you sleep at all?" Polly brushed her hand over Mike's hair and kissed his cheek. He started to move to kiss her on the lips but she blocked him with her hand. "Remember, bad morning breath?"_

 _"I never minded. No, not a lot."_

 _"Why didn't you sleep? I'm sure you had other plans and I kind of tanked them when I fell asleep. I was just exhausted." Polly smiled at Mike and wrapped her arms around him._

 _"I would like to do that but only when you're ready. Was just enjoying my view." Mike cuddled Polly as close as possible and she put her head on his outstretched arm._

 _"I remember you using that line on our wedding night and several times since. Hannah really outdid herself. We need to get her something really nice. The front desk person was telling me about this vendor who sells handmade jewelry. She makes earrings from the shells she finds on the beach. I thought it would be a nice thing for Hannah…" Polly was rambling and only stopped when Mike kissed her on the lips, softly and tenderly. It took her by surprise but before she realized it, she had climbed on top of Mike and finally broke the kiss to take a breath._

 _"Sorry, I shouldn't have…" Polly silenced Mike with another kiss. She hadn't thought she was ready but she was._

 _"I missed you. I missed this." Polly kissed Mike again before taking off the t-shirt she was wearing as a night shirt._

 _"Are you sure? You just had your surgery last week. I don't want to hurt you." Polly simply nodded at Mike and rolled back off of him._

Mike snapped back into reality when Sam passed by him, leaving the room. The nurse had come in and was checking Hannah over, and doing another blood test. Mike listened into the conversation and he could hear the hope in Hannah's voice. She still hadn't caught onto why her brother was in so much pain and Matty preferred that. Mike brushed his hand over Matty's forehead and was relieved that there was still no fever. He was praying there would be no complications and Matty simply had to recover. His family, as a whole needed to recover. Cancer destroyed a lot but it also brought a lot out into the light. Polly's cancer, three years before, definitely helped heal their marriage and Hannah's was already healing his relationship with Matty and with luck, his oldest daughter. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 16

Matty had a very restless, pain filled night. It hurt both Mike and Polly to watch him. Hannah had done very well through the night and while Doctor Grant wouldn't say she was cancer free; he had told Mike that he believed they were in the clear. She would be tested frequently to make sure that the leukemia didn't redevelop. He also told Mike that Matty's pain level was normal and it might help to just go home. He was allowed pain medication but if he was awake, Matty would refuse all pain medication. Mike and Polly would wait until Matty went to sleep and would have the nurse administer pain meds through Matty's IV. The bad part was that Matty had a few requirements before Doctor Grant would release him; eating, drinking, and walking to and using the restroom with minimal assistance. Matty was intensely stubborn and proud. Mike was the only one who he would allow to help him and was highly embarrassed by it.

"Oh, this is so embarrassing." Mike had Matty leaned up against him and was helping him pull his pants up. Matty groaned in pain and was blushing from embarrassment. Mike didn't mind helping him at all but understood the embarrassment. He would have hated having his dad help him to the bathroom and dress him at fifteen too.

"Don't worry about it, son. Just focus on the fact that your sister is doing much better and in a little bit, you'll be going home. I think you'll feel better then. Now, shirt." Mike handed Matty his t-shirt and kept his arm out for Matty to grab if he felt unsteady while he put it on.

"I know. I just didn't mean to be such a baby about it. Laying all over you all night and this." Matty had gotten the shirt on but had to grab Mike when he got dizzy. Mike wrapped an arm around him and walked him back into the hospital room. Polly and Hannah had gone downstairs to get the truck.

"And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Seriously, son, stop worrying about it. I wanted to do what I've done. And trust me; you were not a baby about it. Let's get you in this wheelchair and headed home." Mike gently helped Matty into the wheelchair while the nurse instructed him on wound care and gave him prescriptions for pain and to help Matty sleep. Matty tried to refuse the medications but Mike took them and put them in Matty's bag. She told Matty that he had to stay ahead of the pain and to ask for help. Mike knew that once Matty got home; he wouldn't want a lot of help. It was going to be a frustrating recovery for him.

Polly had the truck pulled around and Hannah started to get out of the passenger front seat but Mike stopped her and got in after he got Matty into the backseat. Matty was not handling the sitting well, and Mike eventually got him maneuvered to lay across the backseat with his head on Mike's lap. He fell asleep pretty quickly. Hannah and Polly were both pretty quiet and a sense of dread was starting to wash over Mike. He had no idea how he was going to deal with Grace. Despite Polly's observations; Mike was still very hurt by Grace's actions and accusations. He needed space but he knew Grace and Ryan had stayed overnight at the house caring for the younger kids. He would be forced to face her immediately. He loved her but he needed some time to sort out his own very hurt feelings. He had quietly told Polly that morning, and she had surprisingly understood and said she would talk to Grace. She would make it clear to Grace that Mike still loved her but needed time. She had called Grace right after and Grace agreed to stay away until Mike called her.

When they pulled into the house; Grace's Explorer was not in the driveway but Ryan's truck was. He came outside to help Mike with Matty while Polly assisted Hannah up the steps. They were able to get Matty to the couch and he almost instantly fell asleep. Hannah sat down on the other side of the couch and fell asleep pretty quickly. Ryan was gathering up his and Grace's stuff. Polly was outside with the younger kids and Max and Mike settled in the recliner.

"Listen, I understand you wanting some distance from Grace right now. It's probably for the best. I don't have the parenting experience that you do; but please don't let it last too long. I am afraid that if you do, it will tell Grace that you don't want her in your life anymore. She is genuinely sorry for what she did. Grace knows that she damaged your relationship with her but she is terrified that she has lost you." Ryan had finished picking the toys up and was getting ready to leave. Mike was a little surprised by his directness and at first slightly angry. He was used to being the one to give parenting advice but instead he was getting it from someone who had a lot less experience than he did.

"Just tell her to give me a couple days, a week and that I will always love her. Beyond that, Ryan, I just can't go any further. Not right now. It just hurts too badly and if I have to face it now; I will go at it angrily and at that point, I will probably destroy the relationship. I don't want that and I know Grace doesn't. If you all need anything, just contact Polly. And Ryan, I am sorry I can't just let this go. I know I should but I just can't. I will, eventually but right now; I guess I need to just lick my wounds."

"I understand. In your shoes; I would probably do the same thing. Just remember, she's scared that she has lost you." Ryan walked towards the door and paused for just a moment. "She does love you, a lot. I think that is why she is so hurt by her own actions. But inaction on your part? It will tell her that you don't love her."

Ryan left and Mike looked towards a picture. It was of him and Grace right after Hope was born. He was holding the baby and he and Grace were both looking at her. Mike remembered the moment; they had been looking at the baby's features and talking about how closely she resembled Christine. Despite how tired and sore Grace had been, it was a beautiful memory.

Polly and the kids came inside and it seemed that both Gabby and Rebecca sensed Mike's mood and crawled up into the recliner with him. It was strangely cathartic cuddling with the two little girls. At least with the two of them, he had screwed up yet. With Grace, Hannah, Matty and even Max, Mike had screwed up several times.

Polly fixed soup and sandwiches for supper and they had a calm night. Matty's pain was still pretty constant and Mike and Polly made the decision that he would stay home with Matty the next day while Polly took the other kids to church. Mike would never admit it; but it was not so much about caring for Matty as it was avoiding Grace. Matty just gave him a good excuse. Mike knew he would have to face her at some point, sooner rather than later. He put his face into Rebecca's curls and cried a few, quiet tears. Fortunately the little girl was sound asleep. His entire family was either asleep or otherwise occupied. Mike looked over Rebecca's head at a picture of Grace and him when she was about the same age as Rebecca and Tommy. It made Mike wish he could go back in time, to when Grace's only real need was to be held like he was doing with Rebecca and Gabby. Back when things weren't complicated.


	17. Chapter 17

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 17

It had been over a week since the bone marrow transplant. Matty was past the pain and had gone back to school. Hannah was getting stronger every day and had even begun planning her wedding. Polly was back at work but Mike still had not contacted Grace. He wasn't ready. As time had worn on, he became increasingly angry at her. Everyone told him he needed to settle it and how remorseful Grace was but he just couldn't. She had accused him of child abuse and neglect. He couldn't just get past it. He missed his grandkids and deep down, missed his daughter.

Polly had given him a lengthy grocery list with orders not to splurge on the kids like Mike had a tendency of doing when he went grocery shopping. He frequently bought the cookies and chips the kids loved but Polly preferred they didn't get. As he walked down the aisle in the freezer section, he heard two familiar voices from the next aisle over. Grace and Mikey.

"No, Mikey, no cookies. I'll make some this weekend that are better than those." Grace's voice sounded tired and Mike could hear Hope fussing. The father in him wanted to help her but there was still anger where she was concerned. Mike wanted to avoid Grace but he missed his grandkids. He found himself avoiding his daughter but listening to his grandchildren's voices.

"But, 'ommy? Gampa always 'as those cookies at 'is 'ouse and I 'aven't been there in 'ever." Mike could hear the tears in his grandson's voice and knew the three year old didn't understand the situation.

"I know, sweetie. I know you miss him. I do too. I guess you can have the cookies." Mike rounded the corner and watched as Grace was retreating. He couldn't see Mikey and Hope around her but his heart was aching. He wanted to sooth the little boy and kiss his granddaughter. He just wasn't sure what to say to his oldest daughter. He walked up rapidly behind her and finally walked up beside her. Mikey was in the cart and immediately lit up when he saw Mike. Grace was holding Hope and steering the cart with one hand.

"Gampa!" The little boy stood up and Mike picked him up and hugged him. Grace had a very tired and ashamed look on her face but Mike choose not to focus on that, concentrating on the three year old. Hope was chewing on Grace's shirt and smiling happily at Mike.

"Hey, buddy. You behaving for Mommy?"

"Yeah! I 'illed my chart up wid 'tars, Gampa! I went potty in the big boy potty lots!" Mike noticed that Mikey's speech was getting better too. He was growing up.

"You did? That's great. Did you get something special?" Mike sat the boy back in the cart and tickled Hope's tummy. He was standing far enough away that the baby didn't lunge at him and Grace was concentrating on something in her cart. She hadn't spoken a word to him.

"Daddy is gonna take me to see the dinosaur show! I want to see the T-rex!" Mikey was clearly excited about the show but for Mike it only brought back memories of another little boy who had loved dinosaurs, Mikey's Uncle Lucas. Mike closed his eyes for a moment to get past the rush of emotion but what shocked him was when he opened them, Grace's hand was on his shoulder.

"Are you okay, Dad?" Grace had a look of concern. Apparently Mike's 'moment' had lasted longer than he intended. Part of Mike wanted to give her some angry answer but he couldn't.

"Uh, yeah. Just kind of a weird reminder of Lucas."

"Yeah, that's why Ryan is taking him. I just can't." Grace had removed her hand and had focused back on Hope but Mike could see the pain on her face. He and Grace were really the only two people that ever talked about Lucas. Hannah's memories had slowly dimmed and she only occasionally spoke of him.

"Yeah, I was thrilled that Tommy was never really interested in dinosaurs. Matty and Max never seemed to care about them either." Mike had avoided buying dinosaur toys or movies and Polly had followed suite.

"How's Matty? Hannah called me the other day so I know she's okay." Grace was looking at her feet like she figured Mike wouldn't tell her.

"He's okay. He went back to school today. Still no contact sports but otherwise, okay. The doctor won't tell us that Hannah is cured but he is very optimistic."

"That's good. She called me wanting me to be her matron of honor. I told her yes but I figured you didn't want me anywhere around." Grace had always had a habit of just saying what needed to be said and not sugar coating it. Hannah had spoken with Mike after the phone call and insisted that Grace would be her matron of honor and Mike needed to just accept it. His family was insistent that he fix things with Grace, but Mike had no idea where to start and the anger began creeping back in. He just didn't want to expose his grandchildren to it.

"Grace, I don't want to talk about this right now. I can't. And I really am not ready to talk about anything. I only approached you because I had missed Mikey and Hope. I am sorry but I cannot just get past this. And I don't know when it will happen. I thought a week was enough but it isn't. As far as Hannah's wedding, you are her older sister and she wants you to be matron of honor. I won't stop that. Just don't expect anything else. What I said goes, I love you but right now, I just can't be around you." Mike leaned down and kissed the top of Hope's head and rustled Mikey's hair. He could see the tears in Grace's eyes. It made his heart hurt but the anger was overtaking everything.

"Dad…I…"

"Grace, I can't and please don't force it. I am trying to let you down as gently as possible because I don't want to remain this angry. If you need something, call Polly or Hannah." Mike walked away, choosing not to look back as badly as he wanted to. He got out of the store as quickly as possible because he didn't want to face Grace again. As soon as he got the groceries loaded in the truck and was on the road, he called Polly.

 _"Hey, babe."_

 _"Hey, what's wrong? You don't generally call through the day." Mike could hear the concern in her voice._

 _"I saw Grace and the kids at the store. It didn't go so well."_

 _"Uh-oh, Mike? What happened? I had hoped when you saw her, this would be past us."_

 _"I…don't get me wrong, I love Grace. She's my daughter and will always be but as soon as I saw her, my blood started boiling. I tried to act normal, spoke to Mikey and all, but I just couldn't talk about this. I had to get away from her before I said something stupid." Mike knew how petty it made him sound. He had just gotten done fighting for one daughter's life but was all but turning his back on another daughter. It made what Grace said true._

 _"Mike, I understand the anger and frustration. What Grace said and did hurt you, badly. I get it. But is it worth destroying your relationship with her? That's what you are doing."_

 _"No, I'm not destroying it; I am just not ready to get past this." It made sense to Mike but apparently not to Polly._

 _"You don't think you are but this is how estrangements happen. One person gets hurt and says they need time and distance, and a few weeks become a few months and then a few years. Before anyone realizes, one member has died and the other is left to cope with the fact that things were not patched up. It also hurts the other members of a family and all the mutual friends. They have to pick sides and play the middle man. I know you don't want that, Mike. I know Grace doesn't want that. You love Grace and she loves you. I get what she said is horrible and the thing is, she knows that too and she regrets it deeply. Did you give her a chance to talk?"_

 _"Not particularly. I didn't want to hear any excuses."_

 _"Maybe you need to just sit down with her and talk. It might hurt, but this? This will cause a lot more pain. And its pain you don't want, trust me." Mike had pulled into their driveway and squeezed the bridge of his nose. As always, Polly had made a point._

 _"Alright. I just don't know how and I am still hurt and I am still mad at her."_

 _"Mike, you are mad, but not at her. You are mad at yourself."_

 _"Why?" Mike knew what Polly was about to say and he got out of the truck to take the groceries in._

 _"Because there is a grain of truth in what she said. You are not physically abusive but you feel at times you are emotionally abusive to the kids. I don't feel that you are but you do. Grace just brought it out into the open, and like her father, was not necessarily delicate in the way she said it."_

 _"Alright. I am going to take groceries in and then I'll go back to Grace's. Can you handle the kids?" Mike grabbed the grocery bags and headed into the house._

 _"Handled. Take as long as you need. I love you."_

 _"I sometimes wonder why you do but I love you too."_

 _"Well, you have this great sense of humor, you aren't so bad to look at, you're a great dad and really, really good in bed" Polly was not generally that outspoken and it surprised Mike._

 _"You must not be at church?"_

 _"No, and I might just keep my promise to you tonight, big guy."_

 _"Which one?"_

 _"Pink nightgown from our wedding night? Remember now?"_

 _"Yep, I remember. Hopefully we won't have a kid projectile vomiting tonight. Poor Tommy." Their youngest son had ate entirely too much sugar the night before and had ended up sleeping in between Mike and Polly the night before. It had messed up plans that Mike had made but the little boy had been miserable._

 _"Just keep him out of sugar and we'll be fine. Cleaning up that vomit was disgusting. I'd better get going. Don't worry about the kids. Hannah with Sam?"_

 _"Yeah, she is. Groceries are put away and I left chicken out. I'll be home before supper."_

 _"Take your time, Mike. And try to keep your temper out of it. Grace has your temper and the two tempers together mix like oil and water."_

 _"I will try. Talk to you later. I love you."_

 _"Love you more."_

 _"Um, doubtful." Mike heard Polly laugh and then hang up._

Mike was not sure how to even broach the subject with Grace. Before Mike left, he grabbed Grace's baby book and looked at it. Back to when things were simple and happy. He was a young father with a beautiful baby girl whom he loved more than life itself. She had him completely wrapped from the second the nurse put her in his arms. Mike could see the love emanating in the pictures. Despite all the issues and all the problems, the love was still there. There was just so much history and most of it involved Mike abandoning or neglecting his children. He finally put the baby book away and left the house to go to Grace's house.

Grace's Explorer was in the driveway of her little house and Mike could hear Mikey's voice through the open windows. He wasn't sure where Ryan was but was honestly thankful for the privacy. Mike rang the doorbell and realized how nervous he was. Grace could slam the door in his face and he would be deserving of it. He was on her territory. He could hear Grace's voice telling Mikey to calm down because it was naptime as she neared the door. Mike was nervous and finally the door opened. Mike's heart broke when he saw his daughter's tear stained face.

"Dad?" There was shock on Grace's face but she opened the door a little wider which was better than the alternative of her slamming it in his face.

"Uh…yeah, can we talk?"

"Sure, come in. I need to get the kids down for a nap. I have sweet tea in the fridge. Help yourself." Mike followed Grace in and she gestured towards the kitchen. She picked Hope up off the floor where she was having her tummy time and walked towards the bedroom. Mikey was apparently in his own room. Mike got the mentioned sweet tea and poured himself a glass and grabbed one of the cookies that Mikey had talked Grace into at the store. He sat down in the living room and picked up one of Mikey's dinosaurs. It looked so much like one of the ones Lucas had had. Mike looked over at the end table and seen a picture of Grace, Hannah and Lucas together. It wasn't long before Mike deployed for the Arctic. The kids had been so young and full of life. He put the iced tea down and picked up the picture. Life had been so perfect then. He just didn't realize how perfect. His life was good now but it had been marred by a lot of pain and death. Mike was still looking at the picture when Grace walked out and sat beside him on the couch. He was kind of surprised how close she sat to him.

"I was surprised when you showed up. I figured you were just done." Grace drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Mike stayed looking at the picture, tracing a finger over Lucas' face.

"I thought I was. Then I sat down and looked at your baby book."

"That changed your mind, Dad?" Mike sat the picture down and looked over at Grace. The tears were streaming down her face and Mike wrapped an arm around her and pulled her to where her head was resting on his chest. Something he hadn't done in years.

" And I talked to Polly. She reminded me, doing what I was doing was how estrangements happen. One family member hurts another, the other family member pulls away, thinking they need time away. Days become weeks, weeks become months and then years. And in the process, they hurt the other family members."

"That's true." Grace was crying into Mike's shoulder and he was rubbing her shoulder, realizing just how long it had been since he had just held Grace. She finally sat up slightly to look at Mike's face. "But I hurt you with what I said and did…"

"You did. No joke there. It hurt badly but there is some truth to what you said." Mike leaned forward to where his elbows were on his knees and his chin was in his hands.

"I don't follow." Grace had brought her knees up to her chest again.

"You said I was abusive and neglectful. At the point, I thought, physically abusive. Of course, that went all through me because I had made a point to never use corporal punishment regularly. There are easier and more effective ways to punish a child. It came from being a homicide detective. I worked this case, you hadn't been born yet. A father was mad because his wife was pregnant. They had three kids already. His solution was to burn the kids alive. To this day; I can still smell the burnt flesh. I've seen and dealt with things that were equally as bad but that stuck with me, especially when I started having my own kids. There was a history of abuse. He claimed it was just spankings and such. When I got home that night, your mom told me she was pregnant with you. Of course, I was thrilled but I promised myself that night, that no matter what the circumstances, how upset, tired or angry I was that you would never have that taken out on you. And I have failed miserably at that. Maybe I was not physically abusive but in a lot of ways, I was emotionally abusive towards you, especially. Did I abandon you? You bet, I did. I never intended on it but I did. That case changed everything for me. I also joined the Navy soon after. I just couldn't look at another child's dead body. Little did I know, being in the Navy wouldn't change that, I would still have to see them. The point I'm making is, I think maybe why I am so angry at you and why what you said hurt so badly was because you were just being honest. You, like me, do not have a subtle bone in your body. If something needs to be said, it will be said even if it's a painful truth. So, it's out there now. I just have nowhere to go from here."

"I guess the question is, do you want to go from here? What I said obviously hurt you. Despite what you say, I shouldn't have ever eluded it. So, I guess you have a choice to make. I want my dad in my life. I want you in the kid's lives. We all love you. The ball is in your court on this one, Dad. It's a decision you have to make since you were the one that was hurt. I personally want to start back at ground zero. Before all the deployments and baggage. Hope is fussing and I need to get her. If you're still here when I come back in, then you want to go back to that. If you leave, then I will know you're answer." Grace stood up and walked towards Hope's room where Mike could hear the baby crying. He was completely emotionally drained and still angry. The one thing that occurred to him was that it was like he was glued to the couch. Part of him wanted to walk to the door and leave but the bigger part of him wanted to walk into Hope's room and hug his little girl.

Mike looked over at the picture of his three older kids and focused on Grace. Surprisingly, the anger and pain start dissipating and Mike stood up. He didn't even look at the front door. Instead, he headed into the hallway where he could hear Grace softly humming to Hope. It was something Christine had always done and always lulled their babies to sleep. He stood watching her from the door and from behind, it was extremely reminiscent of Christine, bringing back memories of her holding and rocking Grace since Hope so closely resembled her mother and grandmother. It made Mike smile.

"You remind me so much of your mom, rocking her like that." Mike leaned onto the doorframe and smiled at Grace who had turned around and smiled even more broadly.

"She's teething. I only wish I could be half the mother my mom was. Or Polly, Maggie. I don't remember Mikey teething so young."

"You started teething about four months. I wasn't there for it but I remember your mom talking about how fussy you were. I'll be right back." Mike walked into the bathroom, grabbed a wash rag, ran it under hot water and the twisted it up. He walked back to the bedroom and handed it to Grace. Hope immediately grabbed for it and Grace let her start sucking on it. "Works like a charm every time. Better than a teething ring because it's heated."

"She loves it. I had tried everything too. Just hot water?" Hope was smiling at Mike from around the wash rag and Grace hadn't stopped smiling.

"Yep, just a wash rag, run hot water and soak the wash rag, then knot it up. Worked for all my kids. It was something your mom always did." Mike still leaned against the door because he honestly wasn't sure what to do however Grace seemed to because she laid Hope down in the crib and before Mike realized it; he found himself getting a big bear hug. Neither of them said a word, just hugged and cried.


	18. Chapter 18

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 18

Fortunately Mikey and Hope took a long nap. Mike and Grace settled back in the living room. Ryan had gone to St. Louis for an appointment with his commanding officer and wouldn't be back until late that night, giving Mike and Grace plenty of time to talk. Mike was sitting on the couch and was looking back at the picture of his three older kids and Grace was folding a basket of laundry.

"What I wouldn't give to go back to this." Mike showed Grace the picture and she smiled at him.

"But you wouldn't have what you have now. What we had then was good but now it's pretty great too." Grace's statement reminded Mike of her mother. Christine always had the right advice for whatever storm Mike managed to create for his family.

"True. And you just sounded like your mom on that one."

"Is it hard? You say I sound like Mom a lot and Hannah and Matty look a lot like her. Having the constant reminders?" Grace had finished folding her laundry and sat down next to Mike and looked at the picture in his hand.

"I like the reminders. I am beyond happy with Polly and I love her but your mom and I were together for a long time. She gave me four beautiful children. Supported me through my career. I am grateful for her."

"You seem happier with Polly. I know you and Mom had issues and the longer Ryan and I have been married, the more I understand it, especially the last three years. It was fun because I was able to go with Ryan before Mikey was born but now, we have the two kids and as much as we both love them, just being what we used to be is harder. You and Mom seemed to have it all figured out."

"We didn't. You and Ryan do a lot better than we did. I will agree it is hard and having kids adds to the stress. Before you and Ryan could just concentrate on each other. You could follow him when he deployed to Spain, Italy and Ireland. Now you have these two tiny humans that are dependent on you for everything. You and Ryan decided it would be best for you to stay here with the kids but it makes it feel like he is out having fun with the guys while you're here, doing laundry, cooking and taking care of the kids and working. Makes you feel like you are getting the short end of the straw, huh?"

"Something like that. And now he may deploy again. I get that the Navy is short on personnel but I would really like to have him home." It was something that Christine would have said twenty years before. It was almost like history was repeating itself.

"Grace, I don't mean this harshly but you knew he was in the Navy when you got married and you knew what that entailed because of me. It's a commitment you made. My question is, does Ryan not being home change how much you love him?" Mike knew the question was hard hitting but it needed to be asked.

"I still love Ryan as much as I did when I married him, more in fact. And on the practical side, if he wasn't in the Navy, I'm not sure what he would do for a job. We obviously need his income, it's just exhausting."

"There will come a point that this exhaustion will just be a memory and you will find yourself wishing you could back in time to when the kids were small. I know I do. Being a parent to a small child is completely different than being a parent to a teenager or adult. A small child like Mikey or Hope, it seems like they require a lot but the reality is; they just need love. That's it. Sure you have to feed and bathe them, educate them, teach them manners and such but with an adult child, it's harder. My younger kids are quickly getting to the age that rocking them to sleep when they're sick or hurt doesn't work anymore. They don't have to worry about money or social status or anything, an evening in Mom or Daddy's lap makes all the problems go away. But with you, Hannah, Matty and Max, it's not an option anymore. I wish it was. I can't fix this problem for you, Grace. I have figured out the last couple weeks, there are problems I can't fix no matter how badly I'd like to. Hannah's cancer, Matty blaming himself for your mom dying and going through that surgery with no sedatives or painkillers, Max thinking he is some sort of monster."

"And I thought potty training and teething was hard." Grace stood up and grabbed Mike's glass to fill up. They hadn't really talked about what had happened after Matty's surgery. Mike didn't know where to even start.

"I would go back to those days in a heartbeat. It was easy. Course it didn't seem like it at the time. And when I did have those issues, I didn't realize how easy it was compared to this." Grace sat down next to Mike again and handed him his glass of tea.

"And I didn't help with those issues, saying you were a child abuser and neglected us. Slapping you." Leave it to Grace to just get to the point. Mike knew it needed to be discussed but it was still hard to talk about.

"Grace, I really don't know what to say about that. It hurt and I could have reacted better. I was so angry at you that I was willing to forsake my relationship with you and that is unforgiveable. You are my firstborn and you've been a part of my heart for a lot longer than any of the other kids. The fact that I would have walked away from you like I did earlier, I can't forgive myself for that and you shouldn't either." Mike had teared up just thinking about it and Grace grasped his hand.

"Dad, don't do this to yourself. When something goes wrong, you shift the blame on yourself. I was wrong. I could not have asked for a more loving, generous or amazing dad then I've had with you and I think the other kids would agree. Yes, you were gone a lot but you were serving your country and frankly, I'm proud of that. It was not neglectful at all. As far as Matty is concerned, when I said that I didn't know about the football injury or the circumstances where Matty is concerned. I raised him the first five years but he's been yours and Polly's the past eight years and you have done great with him. I didn't leave immediately last week at the hospital. I peeked into his hospital room and I saw you holding Matty. He asked you to do that. He didn't need me or want me for that because he had you and Polly. You are his dad and Polly is his mom. I just am his older sister. I guess I was a little jealous because I don't think I am giving Mikey or Hope what they need, especially Hope. I am failing at being a wife and mother, I have a seventh grade education and when Alec retires and if Kirk doesn't run for sheriff or win, my job maybe over. And I've also failed as a daughter. The one thing I didn't fail at was with Matty but he didn't need me anymore. He needed and wanted you and in his shoes; I would have too. I don't know how to explain it but please know; you have always been an amazing father and grandpa. Seriously, Dad, I know you, you would have never been able to completely walk away from me. I think Mikey and Hope would have drawn you back. I don't want you putting the blame on yourself for this. I slapped you and that was completely wrong, not to mention, calling you a child abuser. I don't think I even remember ever getting a spanking from you. The only thing is; I have no idea how to get past it and I think you don't either. I just know I want to."

"Me too, sweetheart, me too. The thing is; I don't just want to put Mikey and Hope's grandpa. I want to…need to be your dad. Polly told me that she thinks the issue you had concerning Hope was actually because we were always swooping in to take care of the kids. I saw it that you were overwhelmed and trying to work, so I wanted to help. I never, ever, ever meant to make you feel like you couldn't be a mother to your own children. As far as you failing as a wife, mother and daughter; I beg to differ and I think Ryan would agree. You remind me so much of your own mom, the way you are with the kids and Ryan. Your mom was an amazing wife and mom and you are following in her footsteps, and I couldn't be more proud of that. I know at times I wished your mom had outside interests and that it caused her self-esteem issues. All your mom wanted to be was a wife and mom and it was her focus. There is nothing wrong with that. At the time; maybe I thought so but now? I've had to play a single parent, albeit, less than a month before Polly and I got married. It's hard and all your mom wanted to be was the best at it. Besides, you do have outer interests with work and your artwork. As far as failing as a daughter; no, you didn't. You saved my family and for that; I can never repay you. We can't go back before all the deployments and baggage but we can build from them, starting today. I love you, Gracie, more than life itself. You are my first, my oldest and the one that has been a part of my heart the longest." Mike put his arm around Grace and she put her head on his chest. He held her for quite a while, just enjoying the moment. They had lost all track of time and it was early evening. Mikey bounced out and immediately lit up when he seen Mike sitting on the couch. He ran up to Mike and gave him a huge hug. Grace had sat up and was looking at the clock.

"Jeez, I can't believe how late it is. I need to get Hope woke up and get supper started. She is going to be so crabby." Grace stood up and headed for the bedroom to get her daughter while Mike was cuddling with Mikey.

"Gampa! Why are you at my 'ouse?" Mikey had finally settled on Mike's lap and Mike could hear Grace talking to Hope.

"I got here right after you laid down for your nap. Your mommy and I needed to talk about some stuff."

"Oh, when I came out 'ere, you were holding her like Daddy holds me sometimes." Mike had to smile at the comparison. Mikey was three and Grace was in her late twenties, but the needs really weren't so different.

"Yep. How about you hang out with me for a bit while Mom gets Hope ready and I'll take you guys to Nana's to eat? "Mikey's eyes went wide because eating out, even at Maggie's restaurant was a rare treat.

"Can I 'ave ice ceam for dessert if I eat all my chicken nuggets?"

"You bet. Let me go tell your mom what I want to do. I think your daddy is aways out." Mike handed Mikey his toy dinosaur to play with while Mike went to the nursery. Grace was changing Hope's diaper and Mike walked in and tickled the baby's belly.

"How about I just take you all to Maggie's to eat? Be easier for you." Grace smiled at him and handed him Hope, who was just in her diaper while she found her a cute little outfit that Mike and Polly had gotten her. As she dressed her, the baby was giving Mike all kinds of smiles and sloppy kisses. "Remind me to take a picture of her in this outfit for Gamma."

"Yeah, Polly has been begging for one since she bought it. She just grew into it. Let's put a headband on, Hope. Finish the look and its one Gamma made you." Grace put the headband on which Hope was less than impressed with, and then fished her cellphone out of her pocket and took a picture of Mike holding her. Hope gave Mike a kiss just as Grace took the picture. She sent it to Mike to send it on to Polly. As Grace got the kids ready to go, Mike texted the picture to Polly.

 _"Gamma's girl finally got to wear one of your outfits that you got her. I am taking Grace and the kids to eat. Are you guys okay?"_

 _"Oh, how cute. Yeah, we're good. Rebecca isn't feeling good but I told her you would be home to tuck her in. Nothing major. I think she got overheated at school and she's a daddy's girl."_

 _"Tell her I will definitely be home to tuck her in. Things are going really well, by the way."_

 _"I figured so. I love you."_

 _"I love you more."_

 _"Um…doubtful."_

Mike had to smile at the exchange. Polly knew him really well. They had only been married for eight years but it sometimes seemed like an eternity. Their relationship was different than what Mike and Christine had. Polly didn't put up with Mike's crap like Christine had.

"Dad, ready? We'll just take my Explorer since I have the car seats. Ryan is a couple hours out." Mike put his cellphone back in his pocket and grabbed Hope from her so she could get Mikey situated. The little boy was thrilled to get to see his nana on the same day as he got to see his grandpa and was asking for Polly and Alec.

The rest of the evening was spent with Grace and the two kids. Mike spoiled the kids rotten, even giving Hope a few bites of the ice cream. Mikey was happy because he got to see Maggie, Alec and even his Uncle Max, who was bussing tables to earn money for a special camp that summer. The little boy was on cloud nine and Mike was just thrilled that his family was slowly healing. They still had Hannah's bucket list to get through, just because. After dinner, Max rode with Mike and Grace and helped get the kids back into Grace's house, and then rode home with Mike, giving Mike some one on one time with him. It was all a huge relief for Mike.


	19. Chapter 19

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 19

Mike was lying next to Polly in their bed. She was asleep with her head on his chest. He ran his hand through her curls and kissed her bare shoulder. Her nightgown, the one from their wedding night was lying on the floor, where Mike had thrown it. It had been an amazing night but Mike was not tired. Polly moved slightly in her sleep and Mike pressed another kiss to her shoulder. It reminded him of the trip that Hannah had sent him and Polly on to heal their marriage.

 _It was their second night in the Bahamas. They had talked, laughed, cried and finally made love for several hours. It had reestablished their physical intimacy that had been absent since her attacker had surfaced and filed for custody of Max._

 _Mike had no doubt that his marriage would last until his dying day. He didn't want to imagine his life without Polly being in it but then again, there had been a time he thought the same about Christine. Polly was different though. When Mike had been in a mood, Christine would shrink back and cater to his demands. Not that he expected that but Christine had a timid nature. Polly, on the other hand, tended to argue right back at Mike or offer him some sound piece of advice. She was not afraid to stand toe to toe with him. It had made for some pretty passionate fights and even more passionate make ups._

 _Once her attacker had surfaced and filed for custody of Max, Polly withdrew into herself, not even relying on her faith. It had been a nasty custody battle, where Mike and Polly had both been drug through the mud. Max, only eleven at the time, was finally told why his biological father was not a part of his life. The young boy had been deeply traumatized and had to be interviewed by both lawyers and the judge because the attacker had alleged abuse. For months, every night, Max would wake up, screaming from nightmares. Max was their easy child. He required very little, was always happy and had an amazing sense of humor. Having to beg to stay with his mom and adopted father had shattered his spirit._

 _The judge ruled in Mike and Polly's favor and afterwards, the attacker disappeared into thin air. It was a small town and it didn't take long for rumors to circulate. People started saying that Mike and Tom, who had served as a character witness, had murdered the attacker and Alec, who was not only Polly's brother in law, but the county sheriff, had not only condoned the murder but helped hide the body._

 _Sasha didn't care about the rumors and Maggie ignored them, but Polly couldn't handle it. She was already on shaky ground because of the fear of losing her son and having to face her attacker but she couldn't believe when Mike insisted that he hadn't killed the attacker. As she pointed out; he had killed before._

 _Three months later, the attacker called their attorney, wanting to set up a visit with Max. The attorney immediately contacted the judge who vehemently disagreed. He granted full order of protections for Mike, Polly and all their kids against the attacker and then called Polly. The rumors were wide spread and the judge had heard them._

 _Polly had been ashamed of herself for accusing her own husband of murder and then not believing him when he denied it. She had no idea how to fix things with her angry and upset husband and felt the only reason he stayed was because he felt that Max needed a positive male role model and he loved Max and Gabby._

 _They slept separately and spent more time arguing than actually talking. A month and a half after her attacker had resurfaced; the doctor did a biopsy on a mass in her throat. He called her at nine o'clock one night to tell her, she had cancer. It was early stage and not in her lymph nodes but they would have to do the surgery quickly to remove the tumor, along with her thyroid and parathyroid glands. He warned that she would never be able to lose the weight she had gained since she got pregnant with the twins._

 _She didn't tell Mike immediately and the cancer diagnosis came out in the middle of a fight. She had said some really hurtful things to him, even telling him at one point that she hated him but Mike refused to walk away from her. He stayed by her side, every step of the way, holding her hand despite the hurtful things she said to him. He didn't care about the scar on her neck or the weight she gained, all he cared about was that the cancer was gone._

 _Hannah was the only one that really had faith that they would work it out. She spent a fortune on their trip to the Bahamas. It was all expenses paid with a hotel room with a beautiful view of the ocean. They were right on the beach and Hannah had paid for couple's massages and a spa day for Polly. The food was amazing and there was barely any cellphone reception. Hannah had given them strict instructions to not worry about the kids._

 _For eight days, Mike and Polly talked, cried and laughed with each other. They took advantage of everything Hannah had paid for and spent a lot of time walking or sitting on the beach. When they weren't on the beach or indulging in the various activities Hannah had arranged for them, they were in bed, in each other's arms._

 _They missed their kids but they both almost hated leaving. They were well rested, but more than that, they were even more in love than what they had ever been. When they got home, Hannah met them on the front porch, clearly holding her breath. She knew the trip was a make it or break it for their marriage and she seemed more nervous than either of them. When Polly gave her a hug, she whispered into her ear, "We're good. Dad and I will be alright." The smile on her face was unforgettable._

"Hey, you seem really deep in thought?" Polly leaned up and gave Mike a kiss and then put her head on his shoulder.

"Just thinking about three years ago. When we got home from the Bahamas, I remember thinking that there was no way I would be able to repay Hannah for sending us on that trip."

"She never expected repayment. She just wanted us to be okay. I think it would have broken her heart if we ended up not being. It always amazed me that she was willing to make that investment in our marriage, especially considering that I'm her stepmom." Polly turned on her side and tucked the sheets around herself. Despite being married for eight years, she was still just as modest as when they were first married.

"She loves you. She calls you Mom a lot. We need to start thinking about her bucket list now that she's on the upswing. I know it's morbid but I really want to complete that." Mike reached for his IPad and switched the night light on. Polly sat up and found one of Mike's t-shirts to wear and put it on.

"You have it on your IPad?"

"Yeah, I wanted to keep track of everything then she got so sick." He turned the tablet on and found the list.

 _-Go skydiving with Daddy—_ Mike had an appointment later that week to take Hannah

 _-Take the boys to a Major League ball game and have our team win—_ Mike had bought tickets for himself, Matty, Max, Tommy and Ryan at the St. Louis Cardinals. He couldn't guarantee they would win but it was against a team that wasn't very good.

 _-Buy Mom a new Bible and copy all her notes and highlights into the new one from the old one—_ Hannah had already bought one and was in the process of transferring the notes and highlighting the proper scriptures.

 _-Get some sort of grave marker for my mom and Lucas so I can be buried next to their marker and Daddy can visit us all at the same time—_ Mike, Grace, Hannah and Matty were going on an appointment later in the week to look at granite markers for Christine and Lucas. It needed to be a joint decision and Hannah would not be buried next to it.

 _-Take Gabby and Rebecca ice skating—_ Polly and Hannah were taking the two youngest girls that Saturday.

 _-Write everyone letters—_ Mike knew that Hannah had been working on letters but he didn't feel the need to read his. He had Hannah.

 _-See Jeremy again and make sure he has a supply of car magazines and movies in case Daddy forgets—_ Mike and Hannah planned on going Sunday after church to see Jeremy.

 _-Send Daddy and Mom on another vacation, maybe to the mountains—_ They had planned on a weekend a way but then the bone marrow transplant happened. Hannah had already insisted that they would take more time away.

 _-A family vacation, maybe when Ryan comes home on leave—_ Ryan had blocked sometime out in late June and Polly had reserved a house on the beach in Florida.

 _-A girl's weekend with Grace—_ Polly had scheduled a weekend for the two girls at a spa, complete with manicures, pedicures, massages and facials.

 _-Find Sam someone new.—_ Hannah wouldn't have to find anyone new because she and Sam had set a wedding date a year out.

 _-Test drive a new Ford Mustang—_ Hannah wouldn't only be test driving a new Mustang, she was the proud owner of one.

 _-Take the kids to a candy store, and buy them anything they want, and then let Mom and Daddy deal with them—_ Hannah was borrowing Mike and Polly's SUV the next weekend and she and Sam were taking Gabby, Tommy, Rebecca and Mikey. Mike and Polly were already dreading the sugar highs and crashes that would happen.

 _-Help Daddy fix things with Matty—_ Mike and Matty were developing a closer relationship, working on his car.

 _-Organize a luncheon for area veterans—_ Tom and Mike had the church reserved as well as a caterer.

 _-Organize a get together of all the Nathan James crew—_ They would be home in June from deployment and Mike and Polly were hosting a barbeque with Tom's help organizing everything.

 _-Set up a scholarship for someone to go to Camp Wonder who couldn't normally go due to finances—_ Mike had been working with Principal Hayes to set up the scholarship.

 _-Buy a new TV for the Veteran's Home—_ Mike and Hannah had bought a TV for the Veteran's Home and would be taking it with them Sunday.

 _-Ride a motorcycle—_ Tom had already taken Hannah on a ride once and would be again.

 _-I really want to go skydiving—_ Hannah would be getting her wish.

 _-Write birthday letters for Mikey and Hope for until they're 18 and then for their wedding day and graduations—_ It wouldn't matter because Hannah would be at all the celebrations.

 _-Pay for a honeymoon for Grace and Ryan since they didn't get to go on a real one—_ Mike and Polly had paid for a weeklong trip for Grace and Ryan to go to Gulf Shores and would watch Mikey and Hope while they were gone. They would be going at the end of May.

It had shocked both Mike and Polly how easy the list had been to pull together. It was odd to do the bucket list now that they knew that Hannah was going to survive. Mike put the IPad back on the nightstand and shut the light off before settling next to Polly. A few weeks before, Mike and Polly had sat and read the list, and began making plans to help their dying child. Now, Hannah was well on her way to recovery and their family was getting stronger.

Cancer had been one of the things that had healed Mike and Polly's marriage three years before and Hannah's cancer had healed their family. It brought issues out into the open so that they could be talked about and dealt with. Cancer could destroy a lot but it could also heal a lot and put things into perspective.

 **I have thought about doing a jump forward on this but this is also a good stopping point. I would love your opinions! Please review and I hope you enjoyed.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 20-2 Months Later

Mike sat on the beach watching Ryan gently walk Hope in the water and he could hear her giggling when the water hit her bare feet. Maggie and Alec had also came to Florida, along with Tom and his family. They had rented out neighboring houses on the beach. His kids all loved the ocean and except for a jellyfish sting on Tommy's foot, they had all had a great time.

Hannah was still regaining strength but was doing better every day. Doctor Grant would not use the word "cured" but he was hopeful. Hannah would have to be tested frequently to make sure the cancer didn't come back but everyone, including Hannah was hopeful. She had finished her student teaching and the entire family had been thrilled to watch her graduate and get her teaching license. She had been hired at the local school as a special education teacher.

Mike had made a point to spend more time with Grace, not as the kid's grandpa but as her dad. Sometimes it was as simple as riding horses with her while Ryan or Polly cared for the kids or helping her at the grocery store, but it was time with Grace. Something that Mike hadn't done nearly enough in the three years since Grace and Ryan had come home. He and Polly were more careful on swooping in and letting Grace and Ryan raise and parent their own children.

Matty and Mike had worked on his car and had grown much closer. The coach that has caused Matty and Max so much trouble had resigned at the end of the school year and both boys were much happier. Max had picked out a classic truck that he liked and had even saved for and was able to purchase on his own. Mike and Polly were going to pay for some mechanical work it needed since they had bought Matty's car. Working on both vehicles was a good time to bond with both the boys for Mike.

Most of Hannah's bucket list had been accomplished. The one sticking point that they had found was that they weren't sure where to put the granite marker for Christine and Lucas. Mike wanted to put it in a graveyard while the kids wanted to have it put in the backyard. Mike couldn't look at it every day. He didn't feel it was healthy for himself or the rest of the family. Polly understood Mike's viewpoint and found a compromise with a cemetery about a mile from the house. Mike visited the "grave" often but it wasn't a daily reminder that it would have been if it had been in his backyard and the Grace, Hannah and Matty were happy with its placement. It had given Mike some closure that he had never had for Christine or Lucas. They had their "place" and Polly had given Mike the very odd and morbid gift of buying burial plots next to Christine and Lucas' stone for herself and Mike.

Hannah sat down next to Mike and watched the kids playing in the water. Her hair was growing back, she had gained weight and was back to being her upbeat self. Mike wrapped an arm around her and kissed the side of her head. Before she stood back up, she handed Mike a letter.

"Daddy, I want you to read the letter that I had written before the bone marrow transplant. I think some of it needed to be said, rather I died from the Leukemia or not." Hannah leaned over and gave Mike a kiss on the cheek. She stood up and ran over to where Tommy and Rebecca were building a sand castle and sat down beside them. Mike watched them for a moment and then opened the envelope to read the letter.

" _Daddy,_

 _I know you have a lot of regrets where I am concerned. You don't feel that you loved me the way you feel I deserved to be loved. You feel my leukemia is a punishment for how you treated me._ _You are so scared. I have never seen you like this. Despite being so scared and overwhelmed, you are still managing to make every moment beautiful for me, even at the cost of exhausting yourself._

 _This isn't a punishment for you and if I die, I don't want you to feel that way. I will be with Mom and Lucas and I will be fine. My biggest concern is you. I want you to be able to still cope and be the amazing dad you are to the younger kids and Grace. I know Polly will take good care of you and let you be sad when you need to be, like she does when you're having a rough time concerning Lucas._

 _You have always been my biggest hero, even now. When you would come home, before the Red Flu, even though things weren't good between us, I could count on you hugging me. I loved (still love) your hugs. I also remember the night before you left for the Arctic; you came in my bedroom, held me until I got sleepy and then tucked me in. You may have not said that you loved me but I never doubted it._

 _If I don't make it through this; be okay. That's all I ask of you. Don't dwell on the fact that I didn't survive. Dwell on the fact that I am far better off where I will be. And I will want to see you coping, like you do with Lucas. I realize you have your hard days where he's concerned and if I don't make it; you will most likely have your hard days where I am concerned. Lean on Polly, hold onto her. She can handle it. And don't be afraid to lean on the kids. They're young but you are their hero too. Matty, Max and Grace can also handle a lot and will want to. Let them._

 _I thought I was doing the right thing by not telling you that I was sick, but I was wrong. I had accepted that I was dying but all I could think about was that if I did, I would want you to hold me when the time was here. I didn't want you to feel obligated to take care of me. I knew you would but I hated the idea of it and in doing that I robbed you of it. In letting you and the rest of the family take care of me, I was giving you all a gift, of time, love, and of a goodbye. In watching you all, cleaning up my vomit, carrying me to bed, helping me bathe and dress, feeding me and holding me when I needed it; you all were also giving me a beautiful gift. One that erased whatever pain the first nine years is still existing, especially when you told me that you would have done it regardless if you and I hadn't fixed those things._

 _I could not have asked for a more loving dad, my entire life._

 _I love you,_

 _Sissy"_

Mike wiped the tears away and looked down at the beach were the kids were playing. He hadn't realized that Polly had sat down next to him and took his hand in hers. They didn't talk at first, because Mike couldn't. Polly had taken his hand in her own and kissed it.

"Rough one, huh?"

"You knew what was in the letter? I kind of wish I hadn't read it." Mike wrapped an arm around Polly and pulled her close.

"You needed to. I was there the day she wrote it. It was when they were conditioning her for the transplant. She barely had the energy to write it. At that point; things were hopeless. She begged me to take care of you if she did die. To pull you through it." Polly wiped a tear away, just thinking about the conversation with Hannah.

"I am glad you won't have to do that. I can't imagine my life without Hannah in it. In all reality; I can't imagine my life without any of the kids." Mike could tell something was on Polly's mind and she was hesitating about something. "What's wrong?"

"Um…well, I…"

"Polly, you're scaring me. Is it your cancer? Is it back?" Mike was absolutely terrified.

"Mike, no, I am fine. I don't know how you'll feel about this because we didn't really ever discuss this…I…I'm pregnant. I don't know how…okay, I do but I took my birth control at the same time every time and I…you're mad?" Mike could tell how scared Polly was and he squeezed her hand. She was forty and he would be fifty one and had grandkids. It was an odd emotion to even think about. He looked down at the beach and watched the kids for a moment. Kids he loved with everything he had.

"Adding another wouldn't be terrible. It's a shock but it's a beautiful surprise. How far along are you?"

"Eight weeks, I think. The first month, I honestly thought I was starting to go into menopause. Then I started craving rice crispies and strawberry jelly. When Maggie went to the store this morning, she bought a couple pregnancy tests. All of them were positive. I figure that night that after you had fixed things with Grace, I was wearing that nightgown and…anyway, the math works. I'll make a doctor appointment when we get back home. Maggie knows and by default, Alec. Babe, I am sorry. I know you are less than thrilled with this. You love the kids but another one? It's a bit much to ask of you, to…"

"To love? I will love this baby. Just as much as the others. You have nothing to be sorry for. This baby is a beautiful blessing. A surprise blessing but it'll be just fine. And I can tell; you're over the moon." Mike leaned in and kissed Polly and put a hand over her stomach.

"I am, just a tiny bit, okay, a lot. I just wanted to kind of temper it until I saw how you reacted. We're older, grandparents and it might gross the kids out just a bit. Of course, there may be complications too. That worries me. I have been worried about your reaction all morning." Polly had put her own hand over Mike's and cuddled close to him.

"I'm worried about you and the baby. Christine was older when she had Matty and she died and I do know that there are concerns about the baby but whatever happens, we'll handle it. Matty was born normally…or normal for Matty; I have faith that this baby will be a perfect fit for our family and that you'll be okay."

"I am hoping for just one baby. Twins again at our age?" Polly looked out onto the beach just as Tommy threw a bucketful of sand over Rebecca's head, which immediately caused her to start crying, and then running for Mike and Polly. Mike rubbed Polly's belly before their youngest daughter got too close and then pulled away.

"It's just because Tommy is so ornery. I'd like to know where it comes from. I'm an angel and you're a saint. Tommy is a walking disaster."

"And you love that about him. And that boy? He is you, through and through. Incoming upset eight year old. She wants her daddy." Rebecca ran up and jumped on Mike's lap and was sobbing into his shoulder. Mike grabbed a bottle of water to wash out her big blue eyes while Polly gave Tommy a firm warning about throwing sand on his sister and then made him apologize. The apology was less than sincere but Rebecca loved her twin brother and he was forgiven in less than a minute. They stayed close to Mike and Polly just so they could keep an eye on Rebecca's reddened eyes. Mike had one arm around Polly and another hand on her stomach, not even caring if anyone noticed. They were thrilled with the shocking but happy news.

 **Okay, so I decided to add a bit of surprise in. A happy one! I will do one more jump forward chapter to this story and then who knows? Maybe another story down the road at some point? Please enjoy and review! Thanks so much for all who have read and reviewed.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 21-7 months later

The doctors had told Mike and Polly that their baby would not be carried past the seventh month, Polly was three days overdue. They told them that the baby would not survive through her birth because of a congenital heart defect. An amniocentesis had told them that their baby would have severe Down's syndrome.

The obstetrician had offered to do a therapeutic abortion. Since the Red Flu, when severe health or developmental problems were discovered before birth; the doctor's referred to the babies as "undesirable." The doctor, Dr. Johnson, had told Mike and Polly that Polly was in no danger; and Polly refused to have an abortion. She had told the doctor that even if their baby died; she would carry her as long as her body would allow it and she would leave it in God's hands. Mike supported her decision and they prepared themselves for their baby's death. They bought a burial plot next to Lucas' "grave", spoke to the funeral home and did the best they could to explain it to the younger kids. They didn't buy any clothes or baby furniture, figuring their baby would not ever be taken home. The one thing they did do was pick out a name, Charlotte Abigail. Polly refused to not give their baby a name.

At the end of the seventh month, the doctor started monitoring Polly closer but she showed no signs of distress and their baby was growing and was just as active as Polly's other babies. Polly refused to have her labor induced. The doctor had pulled Mike aside, telling him that as the baby's father; he had a choice too and it was not too late for a late term therapeutic abortion. Mike let it be known that it was Polly's decision and he supported it wholeheartedly. Dr. Johnson had thrown it in his face about Christine dying in childbirth and alluded that the same would happen to Polly. It took Polly pulling Mike away to keep him from hitting the arrogant doctor. She was able to find a different doctor who was willing to deliver Charlotte and was not quite so adamant about Charlotte being "undesirable."

It was now three days past the due date; and also Lucas' birthday. Polly was fortunately sleeping soundly but Mike was having trouble. He prayed that the baby wouldn't be born on Lucas' birthday. It was a hard enough day and knowing that Polly could have their baby on the same day and that baby would probably die within minutes of her birth filled Mike with complete dread. He finally fell asleep about four, more out of exhaustion than anything else. About six, he felt Polly get out of bed and heard her go to the bathroom. The kids would be waking up and Mike had promised Grace that they would celebrate Lucas' birthday since they hadn't the year before. He started to get up to start the day but Polly practically ran out of the bathroom.

"Mike, we have to get headed to the hospital. I woke up about four and thought I was having contractions but they were different than my others. Now they're about five minutes apart and my water just broke." The entire time that Polly had been talking; she was dressing herself and Mike bent down to help her with her shoes. He also quickly dressed and she threw some more items in her go-bag.

"I thought you had your bag packed?" Mike had thrown on a ball cap and was going to wake Hannah up. She had stayed at Mike and Polly's when Polly got past the thirty two week milestone so that if they had to leave in the middle of the night, the younger kids were tended to.

"I do, of my stuff. Maggie was over yesterday and brought me an outfit for Charlotte and a receiving blanket so she would have something to wear to the funeral home." Polly had said the last part with tears in her voice and Mike understood. He reached over and kissed her and then left the room to wake Hannah up. As he walked into her bedroom; she was lying on her side; and looked so young. It caught Mike for a moment because he would never be able to watch Charlotte sleep like Hannah was.

"Sweetie, its go time. We have to hurry. I'll call once everything is over with. Please, do not bring the kids to the hospital." Mike was gently rubbing Hannah's shoulder as she woke up.

"Dad, its Lucas' birthday. Why, today?" Hannah rubbed her face and sit up. Mike and Polly had been through the plan with her. Unlike with the twins, the family would not be in the waiting room, because this birth would not be joyous. They would all stay home and Mike would call once the baby died. And then in a day or so, Mike would bring Polly home from the hospital and they would start planning their daughter's funeral. Mike and Polly wanted to protect the younger kids from the reality of the situation but Grace, Hannah, Matty and Max were acutely aware of what was happening and that they would only be seeing their baby sister in a casket.

"I don't know. It's a cruel joke though. I'd better go. I love you and tell the other kids that I love them too. Can you call Grace? I want to concentrate on Mom." Mike bent down and kissed Hannah, and again become heartsick. He would kiss Charlotte but he wouldn't be able to do it too many times and would not be feeling her warm skin.

"I love you too. Don't worry about the kids. Just concentrate on what you need to." Mike nodded at her and walked out of the bedroom. Polly was waiting on him in the kitchen and the bag was on the floor next to the door. They silently walked out of the house. Maggie would also be in the delivery room with them and so Mike picked her up on the way through and sped to the hospital. Polly's contractions were closer together and she was in agony. They had called their replacement doctor; Dr. Oliver and she would meet them at the hospital, along with Dr. Lewis, Charlotte's pediatrician for her short life.

By the time they got to the hospital, Polly's contractions were almost constant and she was fully dilated. By the time she was prepped, the baby was crowning. With Mike on one side and Maggie on the other, both holding her hands; Polly began pushing. With the twins; there was a sense of anticipation but there was none of that for Charlotte. Just a sense of dread. It was almost palatable.

"Okay, Polly, one more hard push." Dr. Oliver did her best to smile up at Christine. Dr. Lewis was standing next to her with a receiving blanket. He would carry the baby to the table and make sure she was not in pain. The one thing both Polly and Mike agreed on was that Charlotte was to not be in pain. Polly let out a low cry and squeezed both Mike and Maggie's hands. They had been told that Charlotte would probably not even cry when she was born but within just a few seconds; the room was filled with the sound of a loud and angry cry.

Dr. Oliver cut the umbilical cord and handed the baby to Dr. Lewis, who carried her to the nearby table. Polly had let go of Maggie's hand and put her own hand over her face and started sobbing into it. She had kept ahold of Mike's hand and Maggie was looking between her sister and her still crying niece. The nurse had followed Dr. Lewis to the table and was quietly talking to him. Mike concentrated on his wife; and was hugging her as she cried into his chest. He had sat down next to her on the bed and Maggie was rubbing her shoulder, while Dr. Oliver finished up with Polly. All the while; Charlotte was crying and the cries were getting stronger, not weaker as they had anticipated.

"I didn't figure I would ever hear her cry." Polly mumbled into Mike's chest and he nodded at her. Had Charlotte not cried; they knew that she would not really be in pain but hearing her loud cries; made it so much harder.

"Dr. Lewis; is Polly okay?" Having lost one wife to childbirth, the process still scared Mike no matter how much stronger Polly was.

"Yeah, she's okay." Dr. Oliver nodded at Mike and then stood up. She helped Polly's feet out of the stirrups and repositioned her so Mike could sit to better comfort his wife. Dr. Oliver checked Polly's vitals and then walked over to the table where Charlotte was.

The seconds seemed like hours. They had delivered the baby in the same room that Polly would be staying in and so the nurses got her settled in a regular hospital room. Eventually, Dr. Oliver took the still crying baby out of the room with no explanation as to what was happening. He promised Mike and Polly that if she started failing; he would have her brought back, at Mike's request. They wanted no extraordinary measures performed and so it become a waiting game. Mike wanted to be there when Charlotte died. It was something he had missed with Lucas and he refused to not be there when his youngest died. Maggie and a nurse helped Polly get cleaned up and the nurse offered her a sedative, due to her steady stream of tears. Polly refused it and all pain medicine. Once the nurse left the room, Polly explained why she refused the pain medication even though she was in pain.

"My baby is crying which means she's in pain. I can't, as her mother, take something for pain when my baby is in obvious pain and I refuse to sleep until she has died." Mike wanted to argue with her but Maggie shook her head at him.

"It's a coping skill, leave her alone." Maggie quietly warned Mike and he knew better than to argue. Instead, he sat back down next to Polly in the bed and pulled her to where her head was his shoulder. Maggie alternated between comforting Polly and watching the clock.

Charlotte was four hours old and there was still no word from the doctor. The nurses wouldn't give an indication and Mike and Polly were in total agony. Maggie finally left the room to call Hannah and let her know that the baby had been born and was hanging on, and that Polly was okay.

By early evening; Polly could barely hold her eyes open and Mike had tried to convince to at least rest but she refused. Alec had come to get Maggie and could see how miserable Mike and Polly were; so he took matters into his own hands and approached the nurse.

"I'm Sheriff Alec Smith; Charlotte Slattery's uncle. She is ten hours old and you have given her parents no indication of her condition. My sister and brother in law are in agony. What the hell is going on with that baby?" Alec was not given to outbursts but he was tired of the look of misery in his in-law's eyes.

"Let me go talk to the doctor." The nurse walked away and Alec looked into the NICU. There was only one baby in the room and while he couldn't see the baby; he could definitely hear the cries. After having three of his own children and two grandchildren; he knew what a hungry baby sounded like. He was getting angrier by the moment. A man in a white coat walked up to him and also looked into the NICU.

"I'm Dr. Lewis, Charlotte Slattery's pediatrician and…"

"Is that baby in there my niece? That baby is hungry."

"Yes, sir." Dr. Lewis looked rather sheepish and Alec counted to ten before he said anything more.

"What is going on with her? She's ten hours old. You haven't told her parents anything. They don't know if their child is dead or alive. My sister is refusing to eat, sleep or take any pain medication. This cannot go on. And has Charlotte been fed?"

"We didn't want to waste the formula on a baby that may not survive and while your sister could nurse her; it would build a bond that could be hard if the baby died. But there is a problem…"

"Aside from your negligence letting a ten hour old baby not eat? Were you trying to starve her? I will be reporting this and I will be working with this county sheriff to open an investigation as to why this has been handled this way." Alec wanted to bust the door down; grab Charlotte and take her to Polly so she could at least be nursed.

"It's…we have kept her on the monitors and everything; that baby has no heart defect. We have no explanation. She still has Down's but it's not as severe as we thought. She seems to be experiencing no delays whatsoever. We had kept her monitored thinking something would pop up but she's…perfect. Aside, of course, the Down's Syndrome." The doctor indicated for Alec to wash his hands and followed suite.

"I still don't understand why my in laws weren't notified." Alec finished and followed the doctor into the NICU room. The nurse had put a yellow smock over his clothes and he walked to the bassinet. Charlotte was an absolutely beautiful baby and Alec gave her a finger which she immediately tried to put in her mouth. "This baby is hungry and I am taking her to my sister in law. If you refuse to give her formula, Polly will want to at least try to nurse her. When can she be released?"

"Tomorrow? Provided nothing pops up." The doctor unlocked the bassinet for Alec to roll to the room. It was stocked, mysteriously with diapers, wipes and bottles with formula. It made Alec livid, because the formula was easily accessible but they had still neglected to feed the baby. Instead of rolling the bassinet, Alec very gently picked the baby up. She needed physical contact and calmed slightly in Alec's arms. Alec rolled the bassinet with one hand but carried the baby, and Dr. Lewis followed. The nurse had unhooked her from her monitors and put a cap on Charlotte's head. She only had a diaper on and was probably cold but Alec knew between Maggie and Polly, the baby would be very well taken care of in a very short amount of time.

"You are going to explain this to her parents. This is just downright cruel." Alec spit back at the doctor.

"Yes, sir. The baby is still considered…undesirable. Most parents, if they don't have a therapeutic abortion; they leave the baby at the hospital and the babies become the responsibility of the state." Alec could hear the heartbreak in the doctor's voice. He obviously didn't care for the mentality.

"Well, these parents? These parents will adore their baby girl. And she has a huge family who will not care about the fact that she has Down's. I understand what you are saying and maybe the care that Charlotte has been given is normal in cases like this but when it became apparent that she was going to pull through this; her parents should have been allowed to decide what care she received." They had reached the room and Alec could hear Polly crying through the closed door. Dr. Lewis opened the door for Alec and reached for the bassinet and Alec quietly walked in with the baby. She was looking around in wonder and had smiled a few times. Polly was sitting up in the bed with Mike sitting with her; but neither of them had looked up because Polly had her head buried in Mike's chest. Maggie was on the other side of the bed, and her eyes widened when she saw the baby. At that moment; Charlotte let out a small coo which caused Mike's head to snap up.

"I found someone who really wanted to meet her mommy and daddy." Alec started to hand the baby to Mike but Polly had sit up and was reaching for their daughter and Mike stepped out of the way and Alec put the baby in Polly's waiting arms. "They haven't fed her. She's hungry."

"At all? You haven't fed my daughter? She's ten hours old." The rage in Mike's voice was obvious and Maggie put a hand on his arm to try and calm him.

"We didn't want to waste the formula on a baby that might die. Things are still at a premium." Dr. Lewis looked at his feet but Polly was concentrating on the baby who had started crying again and was rooting around.

"Don't worry; you won't be wasting any formula. I'm going to nurse her." Polly laid the baby on her legs for just a minute while she adjusted her nightgown. Alec walked to the other side of the room and gestured for Dr. Lewis to follow him. Mike bent down and kissed Charlotte and Polly and then joined them, demanding an explanation. Polly's only concern was Charlotte and the baby began nursing hungrily. Polly hadn't been able to produce enough milk to satisfy the twins but had nursed both Max and Gabby. Due to her thyroid medicine, nursing Charlotte was probably not a good idea but at the moment; it didn't really matter. Charlotte was playing with Polly's hair and watching her closely, while still nursing. She had latched on perfectly and Polly was not going to detach her until Charlotte was ready. Maggie kept an eye on Mike and Alec from across the room to make sure that neither of them hit the doctor and began putting a to do list together. Mike and Polly were not prepared to bring their daughter home with them.

"Alec and I will run to the store and buy a car seat, some clothes, diapers, wipes and other items. We have Hope's extra crib at our house and Alec will set it up in your room. I think there may be an extra rocking chair and changing table around somewhere too." Maggie knelt down and kissed Charlotte's hand and rubbed Polly's shoulder. What little bit they had heard of the conversation from across the room; they knew that Charlotte's heart was fine.

"I don't know if Mike has any cash but we'll pay you back. She is just so perfect." Polly stroked Charlotte's cheek. It was obvious the baby had Down's but she was the most beautiful baby, with big brown eyes, light blonde hair and dimples.

"Mike talks about how beautiful Hannah was but I think this one might rival her. Those dimples!" Maggie smiled down at her new niece who had finally detached. Polly readjusted her nightgown and propped Charlotte on her shoulder to burp her. Within a minute, Charlotte let out a loud burp that caught Mike and Alec's attention.

"Like father, like daughter." Polly joked and Mike walked over to them. He sat down next to Polly and looked down at Charlotte and let her grasp his index finger. Dr. Lewis had left the room and Maggie picked up her purse. Polly had wrapped Charlotte up in the receiving blanket so she was at least warmer.

"We'll be back in an hour or so with everything you need for this beautiful baby. Come on, Alec. They need some time with their daughter." Maggie leaned down and kissed the baby and the top of her sister's head. Another thought occurred to her; the other kids. "Uh, Mike? Do you want me to call Hannah and Grace? They need to know something."

"Yeah, go ahead. Tell them to just stay home though, please. We'll be bringing her home with us tomorrow afternoon. No sense in upsetting the kid's routines." Polly had put her head on Mike's shoulder and was looking completely serene, looking at their daughter. It was several hours later than it should have been but Maggie knew that Charlotte was bonding with her mommy and daddy. It was an absolutely precious sight.

After Maggie and Alec left; Mike finally got a chance to hold his daughter. Her little hat had come off and Mike noticed a birthmark on the top of her head. It was in the shape of a lips kissing. Polly was fighting sleep but was soaking up the moment.

"Hey, babe, did you see this on the top of her head? It looks like someone kissed her. It's so odd that she was born on Lucas' birthday too." Mike had tried not to think about Lucas but he was hard not to think about.

"Maybe Lucas gave her a kiss." Polly was drowsy and slurring her speech and Mike just kissed the top of her head and laid the bed down. Charlotte had also fallen asleep but neither Mike nor Polly wanted to lay her in the bassinet.

"Maybe, who knows? So, the doctor said that the heart defect has disappeared and aside from the Down's, Charlotte is perfect. They'll do another series of tests in the morning but we should be able to get home in the late afternoon, provided you feel up to it?"

"I want to take our daughter home as quickly as possible. And I want you to stay with her during those tests. I don't trust these doctors and nurses." Polly was not the demanding sort but she had good reason. Mike also didn't trust them and had no issues staying with Charlotte through the tests.

"Of course. Go to sleep. I'll wake you up when she needs fed. When Maggie brings the clothes, I'll dress her and everything but I am not laying her in that bassinet. She needs to be held." Polly reached up and gave Mike a kiss and then kissed Charlotte again.

"Agreed. I love you. You have been amazing all day, and I know it was hard for you. Maybe she was born on Lucas' birthday for a reason, to give you something to look forward to on this day. Remember last year? We thought Hannah was dying."

"I do. I started today thinking that it was some sort of cruel joke but now, I think differently. I love you too." Mike gave Polly another kiss and she settled back on his shoulder, falling asleep within a couple minutes. Mike cuddled Charlotte close and thought about the son who had shared the same birthday as Charlotte. Every year since Lucas had died; Mike hated his birthday, even more than the anniversary of his death but looking at Charlotte, put everything in perspective.

 **Okay, I decided to take this a bit further, not much though. I realize I may have been wrong on some of the medical stuff. I also apologize for the part about the abortion. I realize it's a bit of a hot button issue and so I kept that to a minimum. Hope you all enjoyed and please review!**


	22. Chapter 22

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 22

Grace walked into the bedroom that her dad and Polly had built on before they knew about Charlotte's congenital health defect. It was painted a beige color and there was flooring consistent with the rest of the house but after they had been told that Charlotte would be born and would die very quickly; Polly refused to decorate it. There was no point because they wouldn't be bringing Charlotte home with them.

Grace only had a few hours to decorate a nursery for Charlotte and no help. She had put a bassinet in her parent's bedroom because Charlotte would be with them but such a special little girl deserved a beautiful bedroom. But more than that; Grace wanted to do something for her parents. Mike had always been supportive of her and Polly was just as close as her own mother. It was just a huge project. Hannah was teaching and the kids were at school. Ryan was keeping Hope for the day while Mikey was at preschool and Grace didn't even know where to start. Her cellphone started ringing and it was Maggie. The perfect person to help.

 _"Hey, what are you doing? Heard from your dad today?"_

 _"He sent me a picture of Charlotte. She is a doll. Are you busy today?" Grace refused to beat around the bush._

 _"No. I took today off. Polly is going to be pretty sore. Quick labor, Charlotte is not a tiny baby, she refused pain medication. And she and your dad need to concentrate on that little girl. I'm gonna stay the night and help with the younger kids. They should have done an episiotomy but they didn't and then all the issues concerning Charlotte."_

 _"I brought our bassinet and put it in their bedroom but I really wanted to do something with the nursery. I just don't even know how to start. No crib, no rocking chair, no changing table, no clothes, no toys, no diapers or wipes. I know and understand their reasoning before she was born but Charlotte needs that stuff." Grace was fighting back tears just thinking about it._

 _"So, what's your plan? Dad and I have Hope's crib, rocking chair and changing table. We need a dresser and a set of shelves but I just spoke with Melody at the church. She and Abbie are putting that together. Let's go shopping. I'll be there in ten."_

 _"I'll start a list and measure the windows."_

Grace hung up and quickly measured the room and grabbed a notebook to make her list. Leave it to Maggie to have already thought of so much. Grace sat down at the kitchen island and began writing.

 _-CLOTHES!_

 _-Diapers and wipes_

 _-bedding for crib and curtains_

 _-toys_

 _-bath items_

 _-food so Polly doesn't have to cook_

 _-nursing items_

 _-blankets_

Grace's mind was spinning and she knew she was forgetting a lot. She was the mother of two but she couldn't think straight. Maggie pulled up and honked but Alec caught her before she locked the door. He had a crib, rocking chair and changing table in his truck and would clean the room while Maggie and Grace were out. Pastor John was also there and told Grace to not buy any food items. The church would have the fridge, freezer and the pantry stocked by noon. It was overwhelming and Grace had a sudden brain storm as she got into Maggie's SUV.

"We need some type of decoration. What do you think about me painting the word 'Miracle' on the big wall in pastels? I'll get dark enough that it will look okay with the bedding. I could paint her name but I like 'Miracle' better."

"I like that idea. Can you get it done?" Maggie was not taking her time getting to the store. The baby would not have name brand anything but she would have what she needed and then some.

"Yep. Especially since I know that she'll be sleeping in their room, I don't have to worry about fumes. I won't be much help otherwise though." Maggie smiled over at Grace and laughed.

"By the time we get back; that house will be filled with people. You take the time you need. Your mom and dad will love that mural, especially since you are the one doing it." Maggie had connections that Grace could only dream of.

"I need to transfer some money from savings to our checking. Dad gave me birthday and Christmas money last year and I hadn't spent it. Think five hundred will be enough?" Grace was dialing her bank's phone number and looked over at Maggie.

"More than and I will chip in. She will be one spoiled little girl. And five hundred? Can your dad adopt me?"

"Dad's overly generous. It's always aggravated me but now I am going to use it for him…or Charlotte rather." Grace began talking to her bank about transferring the money. She had spoken with Ryan about it and he told her to do whatever she wanted to with it. It was splurge money anyway. She hung up just as they got to the store and they both grabbed carts. It was going to be a fast trip.

"Okay, you get the paint supplies you need, curtains, bedding, rugs and anything else you can think decorative wise. I will get clothes, diapers and wipes, nursing supplies for Polly, toys, and blankets. I am going to get zero to three months because she's just shy of eight pounds and twenty one inches long. I will essentially get the baby supplies but if you think of something text me." Maggie and Grace separated and Grace headed for the craft department to get the paint she needed. She would get everything else based on it. She picked a mauve color for the most prominent color with accents of green, yellow, purple, lighter pink and even light blue. She found curtains that would be adorable that were a purple, a rug that was the light pink, and a few accents in the other colors, including a lamp.

By the time she got back to Maggie; she had two carts full of clothes and other supplies. Apparently Maggie had been thinking along the same line with the mauve and purple. Charlotte's blankets were similar colors and the bedding they picked out had chevrons on it using the same colors that Grace had picked. They grabbed the items that Polly would need. Within an hour and a half; they were checking out. The cashier looked at Grace like she was crazy but Grace didn't care. Thankfully the manager was a friend of Ryan's and knew what the situation was. He arranged for help loading all the items. Somehow, they had made it out of the store at $500.05 and Maggie threw in the nickel although Grace would have happily covered it.

When they pulled in back to Mike and Polly's, the driveway was packed with vehicles and as soon as Grace and Maggie walked in; they could smell the food cooking. There were casseroles in the fridge and freezer along with desserts and salads and grocery items that the smaller kids could make their own meals. Ryan had brought Hope out for a minute and had left Grace's drawing supplies so she could paint the mural and Alec had the crib sit away from the wall.

Grace ignored everyone and went to work on the mural. She chose a whimsical font with a combination of bubble letters and a calligraphy font. It was a lot of work but by two, Grace was done. She had completely disassociated and looked at the room in wonder. It was like it had been done by a fancy interior decorator. Alec would push the crib against the wall and it would be set.

Before she walked into the living room; Grace wanted to make sure the clothes were set up. There were sleepers and onesies in the dresser, along with leggings and socks. On top of the dresser there was a basket filled with hair bows, headbands and hats. The bookshelf had the diapers and wipes, along with blankets and nursing cover ups stacked on them. Grace opened the closet and smiled again. There were at least three dozen different little outfits hung up in the closet and cases of extra diapers and wipes on the floor. It was a lot more then what Maggie and Grace had bought. There were in fact, several things that Maggie and Grace hadn't bought. Grace shut the light off and walked into the living room. Maggie, Alec, Pastor John and Melody were still there talking at the kitchen table.

"We didn't buy that much, where did it come from?" Grace was overwhelmed because there was food all over the counters and the dining room table was covered in stuffed animals, floral arrangements and gift baskets for Polly and Charlotte. It made Grace feel a little badly because there was nothing for Mike.

"Word got out. The town came together and did all that and this. I just spoke with your dad. Charlotte has been cleared to come home and he is just getting Polly and her loaded. Little piggy decided she wanted to nurse before they left the hospital." Maggie said it with a huge smile on her face.

"I bet Polly will be crying. Dad maybe too. Hannah may not like not being a part of this…or the kids in general." Grace noticed the look and smile that Maggie and Alec shared. They had something going on.

"I called and spoke with Hannah during her lunch break. She is going to take the kids out after school so your parents can get Charlotte settled. That's her part. She doesn't have the money or energy yet for this but she is also going to stay on here for a couple weeks to help out." Hannah was still recovering from her bout with leukemia and her medical bills were pretty steep. She had still been on Mike's benefit plan fortunately but there had been other expenses. Grace decided to just fib and tell Mike and Polly that Hannah had helped so that Hannah felt she had a part and she did have part because it would be Hannah that would help the entire family cope with having a special need's child.

"I am telling them the Hannah helped. She will feel badly and her heart is in the right place. So how far out are they?"

"Up to you. I talked to your dad thirty, no, forty five minutes ago. He had just gotten them in the truck but said he would drive slowly because of how sore Polly is. Doesn't want to jostle her too much." Grace had to smile at that thought. When she had had Hope, it was her dad that had driven her home from the hospital and every time he hit a bump or pothole, he would cuss under his breath. Grace knew that he would do the same with Polly, without the cussing. It was an hour drive normally and so Maggie put one of the casseroles in the oven and they all waited.

Thirty minutes later; Mike pulled in very slowly. Grace and Alec went out to meet them. They didn't give any indication of what was inside the house but Grace could tell that her dad was overwhelmed. Alec very gently helped Polly out of the backseat and Mike got the car seat and handed Grace the diaper bag. There was a blanket covering the car seat and Grace resisted the urge to pull it away so that she could peak at her baby sister. They obviously didn't want her exposed to the cool spring air but Grace could hear her softly cooing. Polly took the steps very carefully with Alec on one side and Pastor John on the other. Mike was behind her with a hand on her back and Grace simply followed them in. As soon as they walked in, she could hear the tears in Polly's voice.

"Who did all this?" Polly had stopped in the kitchen and was looking between the counter and the table. She had no clue how far it went.

"The town. Hannah managed to tell a lot of people and this stuff started pouring in. But the bedroom? That was Grace." Maggie took her sister's arm. Polly was sobbing into her hand again. Grace knew that she had been very emotional but at least this was a happy cry.

"The bedroom? We figured we would just borrow a bassinet to put in our room and we only have two outfits for her and what you got, Maggie." Polly was trying to wipe her tears and indicated for Mike to sit the car seat down. She pulled the blanket away and Grace looked down at the single most beautiful baby who automatically gave them all a huge smile and a coo. Mike very carefully unsnapped the buckle and lifted Charlotte out and handed her to Polly. The love on their face was glowing and Grace, as much as she wanted to hold Charlotte, backed off. Charlotte needed her parents.

"Follow me." Grace put a hand on Polly's back and Mike was on the other side. They walked into the bedroom and Grace flipped the light on. Both Mike and Polly gasped and Polly automatically started crying again. They were both so quiet that Grace was beginning to wonder if she had stepped on their toes by decorating the nursery.

"I'm sorry if I shouldn't have…" Grace's eyes filled with tears at the thought and Polly handed Charlotte to Mike and took Grace's face in both her hands.

"Sweetheart, it isn't that at all. It's…the fact that we were so unprepared. We didn't have faith that Charlotte would be alright. I'm not sure what kind of parents that makes us. I…I feel totally undeserving of her." Grace wrapped her arms around Polly, not knowing what else to do. Polly was the one always giving comfort and advice and Mike was a tower of strength but what Grace was seeing was how frail they were.

"She's right. We didn't plan at all and that is not fair of us where Charlotte is concerned. She deserves better." Mike was looking at the baby girl in his arms. Grace had no doubt that her dad and Polly loved Charlotte. It was obvious but they needed a pep talk. Both of them had given Grace and Ryan good, sound parenting advice and Grace decided to give them a taste of their own medicine.

"That could be said about any kid. God knows my two have needed a better mother at times. I am saying this from experience; that baby could not ask for two better parents. I know this because I have twenty nine years of experience with you, Dad. And you, Polly? I haven't had so long but it's you that I look to as a role model on how to be a mom. Is Charlotte going to have special needs? Probably but the one thing she will never want for in this family is love. You were told over and over again that you wouldn't be bringing her home but yet here you are. It was not a matter of not having faith. You trusted God's will and He showed you up. Charlotte is a miracle in every way. You have everything you need to just relax and bond with that baby. Hannah and I will help with the younger kids; Maggie is staying the night tonight. There is a bassinet set up in your bedroom but I wanted Charlotte to have this. I didn't plan the outpouring of love but it's only because you all have done a lot for this community and people want to believe in miracles." Mike had helped Polly sit in the rocking chair and had given her Charlotte. Grace wasn't sure if her speech had done any good but it needed to be said. Mike pulled her into a hug and she could feel how exhausted he was. He pulled away but kept his arms around her.

"How did you do this? I know money had been tight for you and Ryan since he was leaving the Navy."

"I had saved my birthday money and Christmas money from you all. It was my splurge money. I wanted to do this. You all have supported me in so many different ways, it was the least I could do. And please don't argue it or try to pay me back." Mike hugged Grace again and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Polly smiled at Grace but concentrated on Charlotte.

"She's getting hungry. I need to nurse her." Charlotte was making an adorable noise and moving around.

"Oh, right. Polly, we got you some stuff to better nurse her. Some nightgowns and bras and such. Also here's a pillow. I used one like it for Hope and it was really more comfortable for her and I. There's nipple cream and…"

"Okay, enough for me." Mike dodged out of the room like he was on fire and Polly started laughing hysterically.

"Was he blushing?" Grace couldn't help but to laugh at her dad. He hadn't handled her mom nursing well either and would walk away anytime Grace had nursed Hope even though she covered herself.

"Yeah. Ninth kid and he can't handle nursing. It's hilarious. I told him last night that was why breasts were created and somehow the conversation turned very R-rated. He has other ideas." Grace had handed Polly the pillow, not figuring that she would end getting to hold Charlotte but Polly had to adjust her clothing and get the pillow set. Even though Charlotte wanted her mother more, she did fixate on Grace for a minute and Grace fell completely in love with her.

"I think Ryan has those same ideas. He was thrilled when he got home when Hope was four months and I had already weaned her. Not that you want to know. Here you go." Grace handed the baby back and then put the cover up around Polly's neck in case someone else walked in.

"Your dad has already asked how long I'll nurse her. I probably shouldn't because of my medication but she went ten hours with nothing and I was worried about her bonding and then your dad held her all night; other than when she woke up and needed fed. I think she is good on the bonding side." Grace smiled at Polly. It was odd that the year before, Polly had helped Grace bond with her four month old daughter but now, Polly was the one worrying about a bond with her own daughter. It was odd how the tide had turned.

"When she gets done, you're pretty unsteady; do you need help with a shower? I always felt so dirty after getting back from the hospital. I know the nurses do sponge baths but I can help you or Maggie can?"

"I may take you up on that. I actually didn't get a sponge bath. Your dad helped me a little this morning but a shower would feel so good." Polly was holding Charlotte's little hand and listened to her nursing.

"What did the nurses do?" Grace understood why Alec and Maggie had been so angry the night before. She was leaned against the crib and was getting even more upset at the treatment that Polly and Charlotte had gotten.

"Charlotte is considered undesirable because of having Down's. They didn't feed her because they didn't want to waste the formula on a baby that might die. They took her straight out of the delivery room and into NICU. Neither your dad or I got to hold her. They had told us she wouldn't ever cry and when she did, I just knew she was in pain. We asked and asked but no one told us anything and your dad and Maggie didn't want to leave me. I wasn't handling things so well. I thought my baby was in pain or dead and no one would say differently. I didn't eat or sleep because I didn't want to miss anything and I didn't feel right about taking a painkiller when my baby was in pain. Alec got there and went to the NICU. There was only one baby in there, Charlotte. She was crying and he knew it was a hungry cry. When he asked, they hadn't fed her. He brought her to us and the doctor explained they had been wrong about the heart defect but they were supposedly monitoring her. My milk had dropped and I was in pretty severe pain because of it. I immediately started nursing her. They also hadn't changed her diaper either and the bassinet they brought her, they took out the diapers and wipes so your dad couldn't change her until Maggie and Alec got back with a few things. I went to sleep pretty quickly after but your dad stayed awake all night with Charlotte, I guess monitoring her. We didn't trust the nurses with her. Your dad went with her when they started the heart tests this morning. When the nurse took my vitals this morning, she told me I was stupid for not having an abortion. They finally stitched me up this morning, from where I had ripped open having her. Your dad and Maggie don't even know how long they waited. I think they assumed I was stitched up immediately after. It wasn't really important but I am kind of a mess. Your dad did the best he could but even though we've been married and all, I really hated the idea of him having to do that for me. They didn't bring me any breakfast or lunch and I'm starving. It's really a wonder I'm even producing any milk but she seems satisfied. I can't eat until I've showered though. I just can't."

Grace was furious. It was a good thing that she hadn't been at the hospital and she wasn't sure what made her angrier, the way a defenseless baby had been treated or the fact that her stepmother had to lay in physical and emotional agony for so long. Polly wasn't the sort who would complain or ask for help but she was as weak as a kitten. The birth and the emotional trauma after had taken a lot out of her. Charlotte had let out a loud sigh, apparently to tell them that she was done eating. Grace had already figured out that the baby was going to have an adorable personality. Polly pulled the baby out from under the cover and handed her to Grace to burp. Charlotte had a milk drunk look on her face and let out a loud burp a minute after Grace started patting her back. Polly had readjusted her clothing and very carefully stood up. Grace could tell that she didn't trust her own footing.

"Let me hand her over to Dad or someone and we'll take care of that shower. Maggie put a casserole in the oven so you'll have food as soon as we get you taken care of." Grace held onto Polly's elbow with one hand and the baby was in the crook of her arm, smiling happily. They reached the open area kitchen, living and dining area and everyone was sitting at the table. Grace let go of Polly and took the baby to her dad and leaned down and whispered in his ear, "Polly needs some…personal help. Charlotte has eaten and been burped. It may take us a bit." Mike had a confused look but nodded and took the baby. Polly had told Maggie that she needed some help with a shower and both Maggie and Melody stood up to also help, leaving Charlotte alone with the three men.

It took an hour to get Polly to where she was somewhat comfortable. Melody had run to the store to get Polly some adult diapers. It would be easier for her considering how sore and slow on her feet she was. Polly was a little embarrassed by it all but was too weak to fight it much. Once Melody got back, they helped her into one of the new nightgowns and Mike's robe. Pastor John had left for a meeting and Alec had to go into work for a problem in the jail. Polly was exhausted and Maggie forced her to lie down in bed and got her a plate of casserole, a salad, glass of milk and a piece of apple pie on a food tray. Polly ate it all and asked for Charlotte back. When Mike came back in the bedroom and gave her Charlotte back, Grace could see the exhaustion on his face. Grace just had to figure out how to convince her dad to rest.

"Dad, Hannah has the kids and when she brings them back, she and I will handle them. Once Polly gets done nursing, why don't you and Polly get some sleep? You're exhausted. I'll look after Charlotte." Mike was watching Charlotte and Polly for a moment.

"I am but…"

"Dad, you have helped me numerous times with my kids. You and Polly have had a hellish time the last two days. Just relax, please, for me?"

"Alright but you'll wake us up if any of the kids need anything? Not sure I am much good to any of you at the moment but still..." It was an odd comment and it struck Grace. Mike was beating himself up about something.

"You'll feel better once you get some rest. And, Dad, stop blaming yourself. You are amazing and Charlotte really lucked out in the parent department. We all did." Grace gave Mike a kiss on the cheek and then took Charlotte from Polly. She had finished nursing; her diaper was freshly changed and would be okay for a couple hours. Maggie had helped Polly take the robe off and Polly was already settling down for a nap. Mike had gone into the bathroom to change into comfortable clothes and Maggie and Grace took the baby into the living room to give Mike and Polly a little privacy. Grace could only hope that when they woke up; they would feel better. It was like they had lost total confidence in themselves as parents.

 **I am kind of running with an idea but I am wrapping this story up. Also, I am not a medical person so some of the medical terminology concerning Polly may have been wrong. I wanted to portray how horribly she was treated because she chose to keep her baby. Please enjoy and review.**


	23. Chapter 23

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 23

It was after dark when Mike heard Grace walk in and shake Polly awake. Polly sat up against the headboard and adjusted her nightgown to nurse Charlotte. Mike sat up as well and kissed the baby's hand. By looking at his bedside clock, it was almost nine. He couldn't hear his younger kids and immediately got worried. Grace had stepped out to get Polly the nursing pillow. He did feel slightly better since he had slept a few hours but the same feeling returned. He felt like a worthless husband and father. He should have checked on Charlotte hours before he did and because of that, Polly had gone through hell.

"Did she say anything about the kids? I don't hear them." Mike was letting Charlotte hold onto his index finger and he leaned up and gave Polly a kiss. Fortunately she didn't blame Mike for the hours of agony she had gone through.

"She said that they are having a big sleep over at Hannah's apartment. Movies, popcorn, the whole bit. You okay? You're off." Polly knew him so well and Mike wasn't even sure what to say.

"I…I honestly don't even know what to say. I let you lay there in agony, let her lay in that NICU for hours, hungry, cold, scared and with a wet diaper. I should have checked on her. Did what Alec did. Just a sh…crappy husband and father."

"Mike, you didn't just leave me there. You held me, let me cry and cried with me. We thought our child had died. You never left my side the entire time. It's not your fault; what happened with her. It's the doctors and nurses. I know I am not convincing you of this but the kids adore you, practically worship the ground you walk on and Charlotte is already thoroughly a daddy's girl. As far as I am concerned, I would not have gotten through the last two days without you…or the last several months. You were also told you were stupid for not making me have an abortion. I know how you fear losing another child and I subjected you to that. And somehow; we were all wrong and we ended up with this beautiful little girl." Polly was stroking the baby's cheek as she nursed hungrily. She was freshly bathed and in a sleeper.

"She is perfect. I am so glad that we didn't do that, now looking at her. I always agreed with you about it, even if we lost her. She needed a chance." Grace had walked back in with the pillow and Polly detached Charlotte and handed her to Mike to hold until she got the pillow adjusted. Charlotte was not happy and was letting Mike know all about it. "Oh, I know, baby girl, I am not your mommy and I don't have any milk. She's just getting comfortable."

"Okay, I'm ready." Mike handed the very unhappy baby over to Polly. Charlotte calmed down as soon as she knew Polly had her. Grace walked back in with a tray with two plates of food and two glasses of milk and sat it down in front of Mike. She seemed to be on a mission to make sure Mike and Polly got all the rest and food they needed.

"Now, Maggie and I are staying tonight even though the kids are at Hannah's. I can move the bassinet in with me and just bring Charlotte in when she needs to nurse, that way you both get some rest." Grace had sat down at the end of the bed and folded a couple burp clothes up. Mike had been bowled over by all that Grace had done for them. He didn't have the best relationship with her. Things always reverted back to the pain of him being gone most of her childhood and their personalities were so similar that they found themselves clashing a lot despite how hard they both tried. Part of him wanted to make a comment about how he didn't want her caring for Charlotte thrown in his face for years but as if sensing Mike's thoughts, Polly answered before he could.

"We appreciate that but I would rather have her close. Your dad and I both slept so well. Thank you so very much. You've done so much. The room is absolutely beautiful and we'll move Charlotte in when she's a bit older. We didn't properly thank you for it; but please know we both appreciate it so much. We didn't intend on you using your birthday and Christmas money for it though. That was supposed to be for you." Polly had said everything much more delicately than Mike would have. He kept his mouth shut and nodded in agreement. He was appreciative of everything Grace had done and he knew deep down; she had done it out of the goodness of her heart.

"I wanted you guys to not have to worry about anything. You all helped me a lot, especially with Hope. It was the least I could do. Plus, such a precious little girl deserves the perfect space." Grace had stood up, indicating that she was going to leave the room. Charlotte had apparently decided she was done and gave them all a huge sigh. Polly laid her down between her and Mike and after readjusting her clothes; stood up and gave Grace a hug and kiss. Polly gave Mike a look and walked into the bathroom. She hadn't eaten yet and so the food tray would stay. Mike stood up and pulled Grace into a hug, more out of obligation but Grace didn't need to know that. Everything that had been said at the hospital; being told that because of his and Polly's poor choice in having Charlotte, they were subjecting her to a life of ridicule and hate and that they were horrible parents, to not just Charlotte but to their other children because at some point; they would be responsible for her care. Grace finally pulled away but gave him a kiss.

"I love you, Daddy. We all love you. I don't know what you and Polly were told but you have always been amazing and you will be amazing for Charlotte. I have no doubts."

"I love you too. We were both told that we were horrible parents because Charlotte would have been subjected to a life full of ridicule and hate and we were also horrible parents to our other kids because when we're gone, Charlotte will still need to be cared for. And they were right. As much as we love Charlotte, I am a horrible father. And you know that better than anyone." Mike dropped his arms from around Grace, sat back on the bed and picked Charlotte up, holding her on his chest. Grace had a confused look on her face and sat back down.

"Daddy, I know that I've said differently many times but you are not a horrible father. And I don't think I've ever used those exact words. Despite all the insults I've heaped on you; you've always helped me and that is why I did what I did today. And I wasn't the only one. Hannah couldn't help financially but she is helping by keeping the kids. Maggie and Alec helped. A lot of people brought food and other items. People wouldn't have done that if you were that horrible of a parent. Stop listening to those stupid doctors and nurses and listen to your kids. I never realized how hard it was to be a parent until I become one and from what you have told me; I have it easy right now because my biggest problem is the fact that Hope has picked up cussing and Mikey kissed a girl on the playground today. How do I fix that?" Mike knew that Grace was asking him to take his mind off his current state and it was actually kind of humorous how she had turned the tables on him.

"Tell Mikey that girls have cooties, except for you, Hope, his aunts, his nana and his gamma. As far as Hope is concerned, you may need to wait a bit. She's a bit too young to wash her mouth out with soap. Just make sure she doesn't overhear anymore. Who's been cussing?"

"Um…well. It wasn't Ryan. I need to realize when she's listening." Mike had to laugh because he had learned the same lesson when Grace was small. She had cussed out Mike's commanding officer at a picnic when she was four. Thankfully he had understood. Polly had come out of the bathroom and sat down on the bed to eat. Grace stood back up but bent down and kissed Mike's cheek again and gave Charlotte a kiss on the top of the head. The baby raised her head up, smiled at Grace and then put her head back on Mike's shoulder. She was already holding her head up so well that it shocked Mike.

"Good night, Grace. Holler if you need anything." Polly was eating her dinner and Mike sat back against the headboard again, still holding Charlotte.

Grace paused at the door and smiled back at them, "Mom, I think you have turned around. Holler if you all need anything. There's diapers and wipes in that basket with the burp clothes. Night, I love you both."

She left the room and Polly finished eating while Mike got Charlotte to go to sleep. As soon as Polly finished; Mike took the tray back to the kitchen and put the dishes in the dishwasher and locked up. When he walked back in the bedroom, Polly had laid Charlotte in the bassinet and was making faces at her. For a baby who wasn't even forty eight hours old; she was already laughing. Mike sat down next to Polly and tickled Charlotte's tummy which earned him another giggle.

"We need to be getting her settled and not revving her up. Such a good little baby. Mommy sure loves her baby girl." Polly leaned down and kissed Charlotte on the nose and then looked towards Mike.

"Daddy loves his baby girl too." Mike also gave Charlotte another kiss on the nose and she giggled. "She seems really advanced. I don't remember any of my other kids lifting their head, smiling or laughing at this point. She also barely cries…other than when she doesn't get to eat as quickly as she'd like."

"I think she is just showing those silly doctors up. Let's get to sleep. We have all the kids tomorrow. Can you take your shirt off?" Polly had laid back down and Charlotte seemed to be settling herself down. Mike had gotten up and went around to his side of the bed but took the requested shirt off.

"Do you think we can do this?"

"Do what? Raise her? Handle her and the other kids? Be parents? Mike; I know you are feeling like you are a screw up but you didn't do anything wrong. It doesn't matter if a kid is twenty nine like Grace or two days old like Charlotte, the one thing they really want is love and that is something you are good…great at. I heard what Grace said to you. I know your relationship with her is flawed but Grace loves you so much and what she did today, she did out of love. For us and for Charlotte. And Hannah is doing what she's doing because it's what she can do; still recovering from her leukemia. Those kids love you, despite the issues and problems; you are the one they turn to. To hold them when they are hurt, to help them and to tell them when they are wrong. Charlotte will have different needs but the one thing she needs is no different than Grace, Hannah, Matty, Max, Gabby, Tommy and Rebecca need. Or what Lucas needed. Love. That's it. Now, lay down. I want to sleep on your chest."

"Yes, boss." Mike threw the shirt in the dirty clothes hamper, shut the bedroom door and got in next to Polly. She looked over at Charlotte who was almost asleep in her little bassinet and then put her head on Mike's chest over his heart, exactly how she loved. Mike wrapped an arm around her and curled her hair between his fingers. Charlotte had gone to sleep with one hand on her chin and the other raised above her head. Lucas had slept like that when he was a baby. Polly had also gone to sleep and Mike was having trouble settling. He heard Grace and Maggie wishing each other good night and shutting their bedroom doors.

That morning; when he was with Charlotte for her heart tests, Dr. Lewis had told him that while Charlotte didn't have any cardiac issues and seemed to not have any delays, they still should have aborted her. Because they hadn't, they had subjected her to hate and ridicule for her entire life and because he and Polly were older parents, at some point one of their older kids would have to care for Charlotte, making them terrible parents to all their kids. As much as Mike wanted to believe Grace, he couldn't.

Being a dad was the one thing in Mike's life that gave him the most satisfaction, more than being a cop or a Naval officer. He had not been perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and those imperfections felt colossal at the moment. His tense relationship with Grace, the past issues with Hannah and he felt that he had been less than supportive of her since she began her recovery from her Leukemia, and the fact that he had missed the first five years of Matty's life. He hadn't screwed too much up with Max, Gabby, or the twins…yet. Despite all that, when one of the younger kids come crying for him or one of the older kids asked for advice, he felt like he had done something right. That seemed tiny at the moment right now, because his youngest, his defenseless baby, had gone without physical contact and food for ten hours and had a wet diaper for at least part of the time, all because he had been too scared to find out if she was okay, for fear that she had died. And to add to that, Polly had been in physical and emotional misery. She had told him after he had gotten back from the tests with Charlotte, that they had finally stitched her up but needed help getting cleaned up. Maggie and a nurse had done some the night before but Polly was modest. He had washed her up as well as he could. He had not only failed as a father but also as a husband. They sure deserved better than what he had done for them.

At some point he must have fallen asleep because the next thing he remembered was Charlotte crying and Polly lifting herself off his chest. He flipped the reading lamp on and handed Polly her nursing pillow once she got settled. He picked Charlotte up and immediately noticed that she had had a diaper blowout.

"Uh, babe, hold off a second. She's had a blowout." Charlotte was getting increasingly mad and even had a 'Dad, hurry up, I want to eat' look.

"Give her here Babe; go grab her bath stuff out of the closet, a fresh diaper and wipes, and a new sleeper. Easiest way to clean her up. I'll meet you in the bathroom." Polly, very carefully stood up, and took Charlotte who calmed slightly when she realized it was her mommy holding her and walked towards the bathroom.

"Don't try to lean over the bathtub. I know you're hurting." Mike gave Polly a kiss and then headed for the nursery, as he passed he noticed that the bedroom that Grace was sleeping in, Hannah's, the door was open. He was in a bit of a hurry but he did glance in. Grace had always been a restless sleeper and she had kicked the blankets off and the window was open. Mike decided to take the extra minute and stepped in to shut the window and cover his oldest daughter up. As he was pulling the blankets back, he brushed Grace's hair back and kissed her forehead. Mike loved to watch any of his kids sleep but he had to get the needed supplies for his youngest and had to walk away from his oldest. At least she would be warmer.

He realized how fully equipped the nursery was and decided to write Grace a note later, thanking her. He grabbed a warm sleeper with little pink rosebuds on it, mitts for Charlotte's hands, the diaper and wipes, the bathing tray and soap and shampoo. Hopefully it was all Polly needed. He made his way back to his bedroom and bathroom and sit everything down on the vanity. Polly had managed to get Charlotte's sleeper off, while Mike filled the bathing tray with lukewarm water in the bathtub. As soon as Mike laid her down into it, she let out a cute little sigh and giggled at him.

"I think she's flirting with you a bit, Mike. Baby girl, Daddy's taken but he's still your daddy. You don't have to flirt." Polly had eased her way to sit down on the edge of the bathtub and picked up the sleeper that Mike had gotten out for Charlotte. "This is so adorable. I love these little rosebuds. And mitts? Grace thought of everything."

"Yeah, she did. Do you think the sleeper is too fancy for her to sleep in? I didn't want to make too much noise. Maggie was sleeping in the room next to her's." Mike had washed all the poop off Charlotte and he had emptied the tray and was refilling it with clean water. Charlotte loved the warm bathwater and he had gotten all kinds of smiles and giggles.

"It'll be alright. We might as well enjoy it while she can still wear it. Besides, she'll be meeting her big brothers in a few hours. As much as she's flirting with you, she'll really be flirting with Matty and Max. She'll want to look her cutest." Mike had lifted Charlotte out and Polly gently rubbed her dry with a soft towel with Mike still holding her. "Hang on. You brought the lavender lotion in. I'm going to lotion her down and maybe after she eats, we'll get a couple more hours of sleep."

Mike held Charlotte as Polly rubbed the lotion over her. She had laid her head on his bare chest right over his heart and was running her little fingers through his chest hair. He could tell she was getting sleepy already and he carried her to their bed and put her diaper and sleeper on her. It was as adorable on her as it had been in the drawer. Polly had come back in and got settled again to nurse her. Charlotte was half asleep but as soon as she seen Polly unbuttoning the nightgown, she started opening her tiny mouth expectantly. As soon as Mike settled her, Charlotte latched on and Polly smiled at Mike.

"She is just perfect. I can't wait for the other kids to meet her. I am a little worried about Rebecca though." Mike had settled next to Polly and was stroking the top of Charlotte's head.

"Why? Is everything okay?" Mike was immediately concerned and put his arm around Polly.

"She's fine but she's a daddy's girl, through and through. I see some jealousy happening."

"Oh. Worried me. I am still worried about how I am going to handle all this…"

"Mike, shush. I know you were told how horrible of a father you were and you feel like you are just as horrible as a husband, but you are not. I love you. The kids love you and Charlotte loves you. Our opinions are the only ones that matter. Listen to us." Polly leaned over and gave Mike a kiss and then laughed. "Charlotte has something in common with you."

"Which is?"

"She uses her tongue when she sucks."

"You like it when I do that and I'm sure it's more fun. So how long until she goes on formula? I know you would prefer to nurse her but your endocrinologist may disagree." Mike leaned down and kissed Charlotte's hand and then gave Polly a kiss.

"Agreed, more fun…which is how we ended up with Charlotte. I distinctly remember you doing something similar that night. I will say, she is a little more adorable than you are…just a bit though."

"The things you do for my ego. And it wasn't similar because she's getting nutrients. I did it because you enjoy it, but if you don't want me to anymore I won't." Mike knew what Polly was doing; trying to take his mind off everything and it was working, even if it was only joking.

"You absolutely will be doing that again. I may never get back in that nightgown and I am kind of a mess right now, adult diapers and all, but you will be doing that again...if you want to." Polly had kind of a downcast look. She was not exactly looking her best but Mike had never cared about that.

"As soon as you are cleared, yes, I will be. I am worried about how long they waited to stitch you up. For infection and all?"

"Grace mentioned calling a friend of her's. Her OB-GYN from when she had Hope. I didn't go with her initially because of insurance but I may need to go see her which means we'll have to pay out of pocket. Not sure if you want to do that or not…"

"Have Grace make the appointment and get in there. I will handle the money. We'll be okay." Mike took Charlotte from Polly so she could readjust her nightgown and burped her. She was mostly asleep and as soon as she burped; he put her in her bassinet and then settled next to Polly again.

"I hate to cost the money. I know things are tight for Hannah and you are trying to help her." It was true. Mike had been funneling a lot of their extra to help Hannah out with the bills left from her cancer treatment the year before.

"Hannah won't let you go without medical treatment. Insurance has picked up all of her medical expenses. It's just catch up now for the time off work and such. It'll be alright. Seriously, have her make the appointment and I will talk to the insurance company and if they won't pay it, we'll handle it." Mike needed to make an appointment with his attorney anyway. He didn't care about a settlement from the hospital but he was beyond livid about the treatment that Charlotte and Polly had received. The attorney could speak with his insurance company at the same time.

"Okay. I'd better get to sleep. I love you." Polly leaned up and gave him a kiss and then laid on his chest. Mike shut the light off and then wrapped his arms around her. His mind was still in overdrive but Polly was right, she and his kids were the only opinions that really mattered. He just had to convince himself of that.


	24. Chapter 24

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 24

Mike was nervous about his other kids coming home. Grace was an adult who didn't necessarily need a parent and Charlotte was only three days old. Her needs were minimal. He wondered about how he was even going to parent them all. He was, after all, a terrible father. He had Charlotte on his chest and was listening to Grace talk to someone on the phone, apparently her doctor friend.

"Thanks, yeah, I'll get her there. See you in a couple hours."

Mike could hear his wife and oldest daughter talking about an appointment late that afternoon, which meant that he would be handling all of his kids because Grace and probably Maggie would be going with Polly. He knew that Polly needed to be checked over and wanted her to have the best care possible but it made him even more nervous. Polly walked into the living room and eased herself down onto the couch next to Mike.

"Grace and I are going to a three pm appointment with her doctor friend. She's really worried about infection. I'm producing enough that I am going to pump, so she can stay here with you. She needs to get used to a bottle anyway. I'm also going to pick up some formula while we're out. Get her weaned off the breastmilk."

"Okay. Hannah is going to be here, right?" Mike was trying to act confident but he was terrified. He loved his children but he just didn't think he could be a good father anymore.

"Yes. And Matty and Max. Mike, are you okay?" Grace had stepped outside to call Ryan and Maggie was in the spare room. Mike could be open with Polly because the only other one listening was Charlotte.

"No. Don't take this the wrong way, I love my kids with everything I have but I am not sure I can…be a dad anymore." Mike was completely ashamed of himself and Polly looked like she had been slapped. Even Charlotte had raised her head up from his chest and was looking at him strangely. She had her bottom lip puckered out in a cute little pout and Mike felt himself tearing up looking at her. It was like she had understood what he said.

"Mike, don't you dare tell anyone of them that. Seriously, don't. Those kids love you so, so, so much. If you utter that again, and say it to any of them, they will think that you are rejecting them and you don't want that. I know how deeply you love them and it's why I love you so much. I don't know how to help you through this but I do know, walking away from those kids will be a huge mistake. You are a natural born father. I know there are a lot of regrets but you seem to have lost the confidence in yourself to be their father. Hannah just pulled in, get this off your mind, hug your kids and focus on the fact that they don't think you're terrible."

"I am really trying. I don't want to walk away and I don't even know how to. This scares me, Polly." Mike kissed the top of Charlotte's head who still had her mouth puckered up at him. It was beyond adorable and almost laughable.

"I know, Mike. I really wish I had an answer. The only one I have is to focus on how much you love them and how much they love you." Polly leaned in and gave Mike a kiss on the lips and grinned down at Charlotte's pout. "I can see that pout getting Charlotte out of a lot of trouble in the future."

"It is adorable." Mike could hear the twins arguing about something and Hannah's rather loud voice trying to break it up. As soon as the door opened, Hannah shushed them in case the baby was asleep. The kids all poured in and with the exception of Hannah, didn't seem to even notice their parents or Charlotte. Hannah had walked towards them with an exhausted look on her face. Apparently things hadn't gone very smoothly for her. She offered them both a tired smile and sat next to Mike and looked at her little sister.

"Oh, how adorable? Someone is a daddy's girl, huh? I was first and Daddy has several daddy's girls, Charlotte." Hannah had let Charlotte grasp her index finger and Mike could tell Charlotte was figuring Hannah out.

"Did the kids behave themselves?" Polly rubbed Mike's arm discreetly because she could tell he was really struggling.

"Nothing major. Just the typical love/hate thing the twins have going. No worries. Dad, are you okay? You're really quiet." Hannah was entirely too perceptive for her own good and Mike gave Polly a sideways look. He didn't trust himself to not say 'Nah, I'm a terrible father and I don't want to be your dad anymore.' Fortunately, Polly seemed to read his thoughts and spoke for him.

"Hannah, I want to show you what Grace did. You'll love it." Polly very carefully stood up and Hannah stood up but gave Mike an odd look. He wondered what Polly would tell her. He focused on Charlotte who was giving him another pout.

"What, Charlotte? Can you read my thoughts or something?" Charlotte gave him another sigh and laid her head on his chest. Grace had walked back in and headed for the nursery. Mike could hear his other kids arguing and talking but fixated on the baby. He wondered what Polly was telling his daughters.

Polly had laid it out to the two older girls and Matty and Max. At first she hesitated but they deserved to know. She could tell they were all shocked and scared. No one really knew what to do.

"Guys, your dad loves each and every one of you. I really am worried sick about him." Polly was near tears and had sat down in the rocking chair.

"Would it help if I took Gabby and the twins home with me tonight after your appointment?" Grace was leaned against the crib. Her big concern was that Mike would say something to one of the younger kids that they wouldn't understand.

"I can take Matty and Max with me." Hannah knelt down next to Polly and put her arm around her.

"That maybe the answer but I don't like it. Maybe you all not being around will make your dad miss you. How do we explain this to Gabby and the twins though?"

"We don't. Just let them think that with the new baby, you guys need some time with her." Matty had been quiet the entire time and his suggestion was plausible.

"I hate this." Polly finally broke down and Grace and Hannah tried to comfort her. Matty and Max both looked absolutely miserable. "I'll go talk to him." Polly dried her tears and headed for the living room. The four oldest kids just sat in silence, hoping their dad would refuse it.

Polly sat down next to Mike, praying for strength before she told Mike that their kids would be living elsewhere for a while. She wanted him to rise above it but he had lost all confidence in himself. He at least was handling Charlotte well enough. Polly put her arm around him and he turned to her.

"Did you tell the girls?"

"And Max and Matty. The twins and Gabby are going to stay at Grace's starting tonight. The boys are going to stay with Hannah. Leaves Charlotte with us. She's non-negotiable." The tears had overflowed again and Mike had tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I really am. I do love them but they deserve…"

"You, Mike, they deserve you. I'm just praying this doesn't last long. I want my babies here. I need to get ready for my appointment. Hannah is going to stay here and we are just letting the younger kids think that we need some time alone with Charlotte. It may create some jealousy but we can handle that. I hope absence makes the heart grow fonder."

"I hope so too. I don't like this but I am terrified, feeling like this, I am going to say or do something stupid. What the hell is wrong with me?" Charlotte, who had been almost asleep, had raised her head at Mike's louder voice. Polly took her to calm her and Mike stood up and started pacing.

"I wish I knew. Just, before they leave, tell them that you love them." Polly had stood back up and carried Charlotte back to the nursery, presumably to feed her. Mike wasn't sure how to face his older kids, since they knew the truth. He certainly didn't blame Polly for telling them. He walked down to the dock, to just avoid them all. He didn't hear Hannah walk up beside him, until she put her hand over his.

"Hannah, I appreciate what you're trying to do and I do love you. I am just so scared that I will hurt one of you. You and Grace have had to live through every one of my parenting fails and know better than anyone what a terrible father I am."

"I don't know how to fix this but I do know…you are not a terrible father. You couldn't be if you tried." Hannah was getting chilled and had crossed her arms over her chest. Mike had a hooded jacket on and so he pulled it off and wrapped it around her. "You're proving my point, Dad."

"Hannah, I can't do this anymore. It doesn't mean that I have stopped loving any of you. I guess I'm trying to do damage control before I actually cause damage."

"I know, I just hope your version of damage control doesn't last very long. I don't know what the rules are for this but I do think you need to know, I have a checkup next week. I had labs yesterday and Doc is a little worried about my counts." Hannah had thought about not telling Mike or Polly. They had had a lot going on but Hannah knew that if the leukemia was back, Mike would want to know. He had a pained look on his face but had looked back towards the water.

"Let me know what you find out. I'm sure Polly would be willing to go with you if you need her to."

"I would rather have you." Hannah had said it to hopefully convince Mike but he wasn't budging.

"Sis, I'm sorry. I really am. I am just no good to you right now." Mike had to walk away. He just couldn't face Hannah. He walked back into the house and fortunately Hannah was behind him and had dropped the subject. Polly was in the kitchen, putting the milk she had pumped into bottles for Charlotte. Matty was holding his little sister and Charlotte was 'flirting' with him.

"Mike, my appointment is at three and it will take a while. Hopefully I'll be home by about six. I was hoping we could all have dinner together tonight?" Polly was absolutely devastated at the idea that her children had to move out and Mike hated himself for it. He walked around the counter and wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead. It would be easy and selfish to tell her no but he couldn't do that to his wife.

"Of course. I'll have something fixed." Polly had surprisingly leaned into his embrace. He knew how badly he had hurt her but she was focusing on getting him through whatever was going on.

"I'd better get going. You have plenty of milk for Charlotte. Good luck with the bottle. I love you." Polly gave him a soft kiss on the lips and pulled away as Grace and Maggie walked out with their purses.

"Love you too. She's really enamored with her big brother; maybe she'll let him feed her." Mike had looked over Matty's shoulder at Charlotte and she gave him another pout. Before they left, Grace walked back over and gave Mike a hug. She really hung onto him; almost like she was scared it was the last hug she would ever get from him. Part of Mike wanted to push her away but forcing his children to move out could backfire on him. They may very well end up rejecting him and if that was the case, Mike needed to treasure their hugs.

Grace finally pulled away but Mike had noticed her tear streaked face. Grace never cried so it was particularly heartbreaking. She never said another word before she walked out the door. Hannah was handling the twins and Gabby who were staying in their room and Charlotte seemed content in Matty's arms. Max seemed to be avoiding him entirely. Mike didn't know what else to do other than to do laundry and start supper for his family, knowing it would be the last one for a while. Charlotte had gone to sleep and so Mike laid her in the crib. Max was in his room and Mike thought about just leaving him alone but he couldn't. Max was the quiet one. He was a peacekeeper by nature and had a sense of humor that never stopped, bordering on inappropriate at times. The thing with Max was that he kept his thoughts to himself, but when he did speak his mind, you had to just shut up and listen. Mike was almost scared of that. He walked in and sat down at the end of Matty's bed. Max was working on something at his desk and had just looked at Mike.

"What's on your mind, son?"

"You don't want to know." Max had thrown his pen down in aggravation. The last thing Mike wanted was a fight so he stood up, thinking he would leave the room. Instead he put a hand on Max's shoulder and squeezed. Surprisingly Max jerked away from him.

"I think I do." Mike knew he would regret it and Max stood up, toe to toe with him. Max was barely 5'10" but he looked a lot taller. He stepped away for just a second, to slam the door shut and then walked back to Mike.

"Dad…if I can even call you that anymore, you don't even realize what you are doing. And not just to us kids but to Mom. She has to choose between her husband and her kids. It's not fair. And don't give me that line, about life not being fair."

"Son, I…"

"No, enough. There is no excuse for this. It's one thing with your biological kids, that's bad enough. But me and Gabby? What was the line you've used, 'you choose to love us,' so what? You are choosing not to love us anymore? How are you going to explain that to Gabby? She's ten and she adores you. And I thought I did. I used to think my biological father was some sort of monster but now I am beginning to wonder if the real monster was you all along."

"I still love you and Gabby. That doesn't change…"

"You just can't be our dad anymore, right? That's the line you used. How does a person do that? I get not being a cop anymore or not being in the Navy anymore, you retired from that, but not wanting to be a dad anymore? What's next? You don't want to be a husband anymore?"

"That won't happen. Max, I refuse to argue with you and Charlotte is crying. Just know, I do love you and I always will. If this makes me some sort of monster, I am sorry for that. I am so, so sorry for all of this." Mike had to walk away because he couldn't handle anymore. When he stepped out in the hallway, he saw Rebecca standing by her bedroom door with tears streaming down her face. She had heard the entire exchange. He was torn between his crying baby and his other crying baby. Fortunately Hannah headed into the nursery but as soon as he walked towards Rebecca, she ran back into her room and slammed the door. She had also apparently locked it and Mike started knocking on it.

"Rebecca, honey, open the door. Come on, baby." Mike could hear her sobbing on the other side. The one thing he had going for him was that Gabby was also in the room but that might backfire on him. Hannah walked up next to him and knocked lightly on the door. She was holding Charlotte but handed her to him.

"Becca, how about this? You open the door for me? Daddy won't come in. He promises." Hannah gave Mike a warning look, telling him to not cross the threshold. Tommy and Matty had also come into the hallway and Charlotte was still crying. Mike stepped away from the door.

"Rebecca, I won't come in. I promise. But please know, I love you, baby, so, so much. You too, Gabby."

Walking away was the hardest thing Mike had ever done. He felt totally lost. It was too late to walk into Max or Rebecca's rooms and say "Sorry, kids, I screwed up. You're staying here." He tried giving Charlotte a bottle but all he got from her was a pout that was suddenly not so cute.

Hannah had a way with the twins and he could hear Matty's voice talking to the two girls as well as Hannah's. He hated it because Polly had wanted one last dinner with the kids and it had gotten screwed up. Mike knew he could blame Max but he was the one that was really to blame. He had sat Charlotte in a bouncy seat in hopes of lulling her to sleep when his cellphone rang, with Polly's name on the ID.

 _"Hey, just wanted to let you know, the doctor got me in quicker. We're already done. She gave me a prescription for some antibiotics. Said we need to consult an attorney…Mike, are you okay? What's going on?"_

 _"I…um…well, Rebecca overheard something. Something, not good."_

 _"What, Mike? We agreed that the younger kids would only think we just needed some time with Charlotte."_

 _"I had an argument with Max. She overheard it. She heard him say that I didn't want to be a dad anymore."_

 _"Oh, God, Mike. She is nine, she doesn't understand this. Where is my baby?"_

 _"Charlotte…"_

 _"Not Charlotte, Rebecca, tell me she isn't alone?" Mike could hear the anger and fear in his wife's voice. He knew that she was an hour away and felt completely powerless._

 _"Hannah, Gabby and Matty are with her and I assume Tommy. Max is probably still in his room."_

 _"Take the phone into her, now, Mike, now!"_

Mike had never heard Polly's tone of voice. It scared him. He knew that Hannah had told Rebecca that he wouldn't go in the bedroom but he didn't have any other choice. He walked towards Gabby and Rebecca's room and thankfully the door was open. Matty, Max, Gabby and Tommy were sitting on one bed while Hannah was sitting with Rebecca. Rebecca was lying on her stomach, sobbing into her pillow. Hannah gave him a look that reminded him of her mother. He ignored it and rubbed Rebecca's shoulder.

"Rebecca, I have Mom on the phone and she wants to talk to you." Thankfully Rebecca rose up enough to take the phone. Mike thought about sitting down on the bed but he didn't want to make an enemy out of Hannah. She had given him a soft smile. At the moment, she was his only ally and he couldn't afford to lose her. He walked out of the bedroom and back to the kitchen where Charlotte was fast asleep in her bouncy seat. At least one of his kids was semi calm.

Ten minutes later, Hannah walked out with his cellphone. What shocked him was that instead of condemnation, she simply hugged him. She was still so frail from her bout with leukemia that Mike hated leaning on her but when he did, the tears started coming and didn't stop. He had no idea how long he stood there with Hannah but it was at least thirty minutes because he heard Polly and Grace come in.

"Grace, go to Rebecca. Tell her I will be there in a second. Hannah, let me have your dad." Mike felt the arms around him change and Polly's much sturdier frame envelope him in a hug. He had thought the tears were done, but they weren't because they started all over again. Polly held him for a few minutes but finally pulled away. "Mike, I need to go in with Rebecca and then when I get done with her I need to handle Max. I want to stand here and hold you but our kids need one of us." Polly leaned up and kissed his cheek and he nodded.

"I am so, so, so sorry."

"I know, babe. I know you are. I just have to convince the kids of that. And our kids are just a bit clannish." It was a bit of a joke but it wasn't really funny this time. Mike gave Polly a soft kiss on the lips and then sat down at the breakfast bar. Grace had disappeared and Hannah was working on dinner. Charlotte had woke up and was just looking around. He could hear Matty talking to Max and Polly talking to Gabby and Rebecca. Tommy sat down beside him and tickled Charlotte's foot which earned him a giggle.

"Dad, can I hold Charlotte?" Mike nodded at him and picked Charlotte up.

"Tommy, come here. Sit down on the couch and I'll help you." Tommy ran for the couch and Mike put a throw pillow on his lap and then guided his arms to properly hold the baby. Mike kept an arm around the little boy and Tommy had kind of leaned into him. A thought occurred to Mike; Tommy wasn't so much wanting to hold his little sister but just wanting his dad to hold him. Tommy reminded Mike a lot of Lucas. His personality was similar. Mike let Tommy lean even more into him and kissed the top of his head.

"Dad, Hannah said we would be staying at Grace's for a while. Will we still get to see you and Momma? I won't like it if we can't."

"I am sure you'll see us." Mike ran his hand through Tommy's light brown hair. Charlotte was pouting at him again but was at least alternating the pout with smiles for Tommy.

"Are you still going to coach my ball team? You promised me?" Tommy had a hopeful look in his eyes. Tommy had been really looking forward to Mike coaching his little league team and Mike didn't have it in him to tell him no. He just couldn't.

"Yeah. I'll still do that." Mike completely missed the look Hannah had given Tommy over Mike's shoulder. What he didn't realize was that Hannah and Tommy had a bit of a conspiracy going.

"What about Hannah's wedding? It's in like two months and she'll be really, really sad if you don't walk her to Sammy." Hannah had sat down next to Max and gave him the same hopeful look.

"Of course. It's a dad responsibility." Mike was beginning to wonder what Tommy was trying to do.

"I don't understand. You want to coach my ball team and you want to walk Hannah down the aisle but you don't think you can be our dad anymore?" Mike felt like he had been punched in the gut and Tommy had said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. There was only hurt in his voice, not anger like the other kids.

"Tommy, it's not that I don't want to be your dad but I just don't think I can do it without hurting you guys. I am a horrible dad and I only want what's best for you all and I am not it."

"And I bet there will be times that we won't be good kids but that doesn't mean we will want to stop being yours. Mom told me that sometimes I will have friends that are only friends when things are good. She told me they were fair weather friends. I don't know what that means but it sounds like it means that as long as I can be their friend and not need anything, they'll be my friend but if I'm having a bad day, they won't want me to be their friend because I can't help them. Right now, you're having a bad day but that doesn't mean that we have to stop being your kids. I don't want to be a fair weather kid and I don't want you to be a fair weather dad. It's stormy right now but it won't last. Remember that really bad storm last year? It was a tornado, right? I was scared and you held me until it stopped storming. I can't hold you, you're too big but it's kind of the same thing. Maybe if me and the other kids hold you, it won't be so scary?"

Mike had no words. Tommy's little speech was simplistic at best but it made an odd sense. Mike gave the boy a kiss on the top of his head and reached over him and stroked Hannah's face. She nodded at him, communicating that she would stay with Tommy and Charlotte. Mike stood up and walked to the bedroom wing of his house. As he passed by the boy's room; he glanced in. Matty met his eyes over Max's head and nodded at Mike. He was talking to Max. Mike desperately wanted to fix things with his adopted son; a boy that he loved as deeply as he loved his biological sons and had fought for but right now Max was not in the frame of mind to fix things. Mike could only pray that he would get there. He signed 'I love you' to Matty and Matty nodded at him again. Mike walked on to Rebecca and Gabby's bedroom and paused before he opened it. He only opened it a sliver and met Polly's eyes, she gently gestured for him to come in. Gabby was on one side of her and Rebecca was on the other. Mike sat down on Gabby's bed and did his best to smile at both girls. Gabby stood up and hugged him around the neck but Rebecca kept her face into Polly's side.

"Gabby, can you give us some time?" Polly nodded at Gabby and Mike gave the ten year old another kiss before she left the room. Rebecca had started crying again and Mike moved over to her bed on her other side. He sat down beside her and put his hand on her shoulder but she jerked away from him. He started to stand back up but Polly grabbed his hand and pulled him back down. He knew that was her telling him to stay and fight it out. "Rebecca, I know you're upset at your father but you will not be disrespectful to him. He wants to talk to you and explain to you what you heard. And you are going to hear him out."

Mike was surprised by Polly's firm voice and the fact that she very gently pushed Rebecca away from her and stood up. She squeezed his shoulder as she passed by him and then walked out of the bedroom. Rebecca had thrown herself onto her pillows and was hugging her teddy bear to her, a teddy bear he had given her when she was two.

"I remember giving you that bear. Your second birthday. You carried that thing with you everywhere until last year. You stopped because you thought you were too big to do that." Mike started rubbing Rebecca's back and thankfully she didn't kick him.

"Do you want it back?"

"Why would I want it back? I gave it to you." Mike was confused and Rebecca sat up and put the bear in his lap. He could feel the anger practically oozing from her.

"Well, you don't want to be my dad anymore so you probably don't want me to have that bear. Maybe you can find some other little girl that will want him. Maybe my clothes too." Rebecca had plopped down on Gabby's bed and crossed her arms over her chest. This was not going to be easy.

"Rebecca, it doesn't work like that. Just listen…"

"No, you listen! Everything was just fine and then you don't want to be our daddy anymore. It's not fair! I was a good little girl. I did my chores and made my bed and I even put my birthday money in the offering plate at church. All of it! It was only the ten dollar bill Uncle Alec gave me but it was all I had! So why did you decide you didn't want to be my daddy anymore? I don't get to decide that I don't want to be your daughter anymore!" Rebecca had stood up and was standing toe to toe with him. Mike was struggling to not laugh at her which was really wrong of him.

"It has absolutely nothing to do with you being good or bad. I promise, nothing. You have always been such a good little girl and I am so, so proud of you. I am proud that you are my daughter. And the fact that you put your money in the offering plate, I love that about you. Tommy didn't do that and Gabby spent hers on a new shirt." Mike could tell that he was getting through to Rebecca but she was stubborn. Polly was peeking through the door which was opened just a sliver.

"What then?" Polly had come back in and sat down beside Mike.

"Sweetie, every doctor and every nurse had told your daddy and me that Charlotte would die as soon as she was born. They wanted me to have a procedure that would make her die in my belly but I didn't want to. There was no medical reason I couldn't carry her all the way through the pregnancy so I decided to have her, even knowing that she would die. The doctors were really wrong though because Charlotte, aside from something called Down's syndrome, is perfectly healthy. Because of that syndrome, they still told us that she still should have died in my belly because she is what they call 'undesirable.' They told us that we were bad parents because of it and that Charlotte may need help as she got older, making us bad parents to you guys. When someone tells you something like that, it's really, really hard not to believe it. I had thought the same thing as your dad. I just couldn't be a good mom anymore. You overheard your brother arguing with your dad about it. It's not that your dad or I don't want to be your parents anymore or that we will stop loving you. We do love you. It's that we just don't think we are capable of being good parents anymore and you are such a great kid that you only deserve the best. So, you and Max are the ones that are really struggling with this so you decide. Grace has said that you can stay with her and Max will still with Hannah. You will get to decide how often you see us, if at all. Matty, Tommy and Gabby will be staying here. They've already decided. Grace and Hannah have their own places and Charlotte can't be away from me, specifically. If you decide to move in with Grace, she has voiced wanting to be a part of this family so you cannot withhold her family from her. Now, Dad and I are going in the living room. Before we do, you should know; we both love you so, so much. Grace will bring you in some dinner."

Polly stood up and tugged Mike's hand. He also stood up and they walked out hand in hand. Rebecca was still standing between the two beds, as if she was stunned. For as firm as Polly had been, she broke as soon as Mike closed the bedroom door and they both ducked into their bedroom. Mike had also broken down and they stood in the bedroom and sobbed in each other's arms for a couple minutes. Max's bedroom door had been closed. Polly finally pulled away and sat down on their bed. Mike sat down beside her and they held hands.

"I hope you agree with what I said?" Polly had grabbed the tissues off her nightstand and handed Mike several.

"I do. Just a hard pill to swallow. Sorry it blew up like this."

"I would rather it blew up like this before they moved out. At first, I was really upset with you but then I realized I felt the same way you did. I just gave the kids a choice. They could hang out with their terrible parents or they could move out. I was shocked that the majority choose to hang out. Max and Rebecca are the hold outs. Who knows what they'll decide?" Polly had stood back up and walked towards the door.

"Well, I know what I hope and I think you do too." Mike also stood up and followed Polly. When she opened the door, Rebecca was standing on the other side, with tears on her face. Mike and Polly exchanged a look and Polly guided her into the bedroom. Rebecca had the teddy bear hugged to her and was having trouble lifting herself up on their tall sleigh bed. Mike put the bear on the bed and then picked her up and sat down with her in his lap.

"I…I love Gracie but I don't want to live with her. I want to live here with you guys." Rebecca had thrown her arms around Mike's neck, simply because she had been sitting on his lap. Polly was rubbing her back and kissed the top of her head.

Mike didn't know how long they sat there; Rebecca had stopped crying but still clung to Mike. Polly smoothed out Rebecca's sundress and kissed the side of her head. Rebecca turned her face towards Polly but kept her head leaned onto Mike's shoulder, and gave Polly a sweet smile. There was a knock on the door and Polly slowly stood up. Mike could tell she was in some physical pain and as soon as they got Rebecca settled; she was going to find her way into bed, even if it meant that Charlotte and Rebecca were beside her. She made it to the door and Grace and Hannah were on the other side. Grace was holding a very upset Charlotte and Hannah had a food tray with three plates of food, glasses with milk and eating utensils.

"I held off as long as I could but Charlotte was not thrilled with the bottles. I think she's missing you guys. I also figured you'd be hungry." Hannah had walked in with the tray and sit it on the bed and made a fast exit. Grace handed Charlotte to Polly along with the pillow and cover. She offered them all a small smile and stroked Rebecca's hair. "Just so you know because I know you want to…Matty is really working on Max and he's slowly coming around. Matty said to tell you, Dad, you owe him a day out."

Mike smiled at her. He owed both Matty and Grace a day. And he would be going to Hannah's appointment with her. If the leukemia was back; he would be with her when she was told. He just prayed that Max would come around. Rebecca was still young and she processed things like a young child but Max was older and had already hurt so much in his life. He might very well decide that he didn't want Mike or Polly in his life. If that happened, it would destroy Polly and most likely Mike at the same time. Grace had shut the door behind her and Polly had sat down on the other side of the bed and had adjusted her clothes and began nursing Charlotte.

Rebecca had pulled away but was watching Polly with a bit of interest. She was watching her from over Mike's shoulder and so he stood up and laid Rebecca down next to Polly. Charlotte's little hand was playing with Polly's curls and Rebecca touched the hand slightly. Charlotte grasped Rebecca's finger and Rebecca gave Mike and Polly a broad smile.

"Can I hold her when you get done, Momma?"

"Yep. I need to burp her and then you can. How about you eat while she's eating?" Mike had sat down next to Rebecca and put the tray over her lap. Rebecca nodded at her eagerly and began concentrating on her food. She didn't seem to want to let go of Charlotte's hand but it had finally relaxed as the baby nursed hungrily. Mike and Polly were just biding their time until Max decided what he wanted to do.


	25. Chapter 25

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 25

It was getting late and Mike could tell that Hannah wanted to go back to her apartment. She seemed to be waiting on Max. He still hadn't come out of his bedroom and Matty had stayed with him. It was after ten and the younger kids were asleep and Hannah had fallen asleep on the couch. Polly was still awake but resting in bed and she had Charlotte with her. Mike was fine with Hannah staying the night, especially since they had planned for her to be there for a couple days to help but he needed an answer from Max, sooner rather than later. He had settled in next to Polly and they were watching the news when Matty walked in and plopped down on the bed. They exchanged a look and waited for Matty to start talking.

"Okay, when I say this, please don't think this is what I want. Max has chosen to move out and I have decided to go with him. I want to stay here but I also know that if Max doesn't have some sort of draw back here, there is no chance of him moving back or really having anything to do with either of you. I think he can be brought around and that's why I want to go with him. It's nothing against you guys. I promise." Mike and Polly both felt horribly. They had known that they could lose Max but losing Matty hadn't even crossed their mind. Matty had gotten up off the bed and Mike also stood up. Max had apparently woke Hannah up and he could hear the two of them talking. Polly had stayed on the bed, holding Charlotte. He could see the tears in her eyes.

"Matty; you don't have to do this. We want you here. We want both of you boys here. I don't want to lose you too." Mike had let the tears overflow and Matty had a hand on his shoulder.

"I know, Dad. I promise you won't be losing me and I won't let you lose Max. I promise." Matty had pulled Mike into a hug and Mike clung to him. Polly had also gotten up out of bed and as soon as Matty pulled away, she had her arms around him.

"You take care of my boy? I want both of you back here." Polly was fighting tears and Matty simply nodded at her. He finally pulled away from her after giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"I promise, I will be back. I love you, both. Max doesn't want to tell you that he's moving out." Mike and Polly exchanged a look and followed Matty out of the bedroom. Charlotte was in her bassinet, asleep. They wouldn't let Max out without at least talking to him first. Max was in the living room with a bag in his hands, impatiently waiting on Hannah to get her bearings.

"Max, you can wait five seconds. I have to go to the bathroom before we leave. It won't kill you to talk to Mom and Dad." Hannah had stood up and gave Max a glare. She obviously was not a fan of whatever Max was doing and she was a bit of a bear when she was woke up. She passed Mike and Polly on the way to the bathroom and gave them a slight smile. Matty had gone into the bedroom to get himself some clothes and so Mike and Polly had a few minutes alone with Max.

"Don't try and change my mind." Max told them both a bit forcefully. They were both trying to keep control of their emotions.

"We won't. Just know, we both love you. That won't ever change. You are my son, my firstborn. Dad and I fought to keep you and we will continue to do that. You do need to know and understand, Matty is going with you, and he is not thrilled with it. You will not force him or Hannah to not be a part of this family. Just because we both said that we didn't feel we could be a parent anymore; it doesn't mean that we will stop. You kids all deserve the best and at this point in our lives; we can't be there for you or love you." Polly had such a resolute sound to her voice. Mike was honestly proud of her.

"I don't doubt that you love me, Mom…or Dad. I just don't understand how you can suddenly think you are horrible parents. You both have such strong personalities that you believing those doctors and nurses is just shocking. I get that Charlotte surviving has thrown you both for a loop but it's not a bad thing and do you really want to explain this to her? That because she survived when no one, including us kids expected it and you traded in your happiness because of what someone told you. How do you think that will make her feel? You both need to just get a grip and that's why I'm leaving. I am the product of a rape. There has to be a tiny part of you that resents that about me, Mom. And, I know that after that custody battle; your marriage was in the toilet. That was because of me. I have only ever caused pain. It's what I'm good at. But this time, I'm using that skill to teach you both that you are not that horrible. I will be gone and you will treasure the time you have with the other kids. It will teach you. I don't like this anymore than you do but I am the one that it makes the most sense to do it. It will cause you less pain in the long run." Max's voice was shaking and he had started walking towards the front door but Mike caught him by the arm.

"You have to realize; we can keep you from leaving but I am not going to do that. What I am going to ask is that before you go, hug your mother. She made a very difficult decision all those years ago and she doesn't regret keeping you and I don't regret adopting you or loving you. It's the most you could do for both of us." Mike let loose of Max's arm and Polly leaned forward. Mike knew that Max had a bit of a soft spot for his mother and he had also seen a crack in the façade that Max was trying to use. He would have loved to give Max a hug too but giving Polly one was more effective. Max fortunately didn't hesitate and pulled his mom into a hug. Polly had started sobbing during Max's speech and continued crying into her son's chest. Hannah and Matty had come out but had backtracked when they saw Max hugging Polly. Polly had finally pulled away but had put both hands on Max's face.

"I have never one time regretted having or keeping you. It's the best decision I ever made. The first time I held you, looking at your face, I knew what love was all about. I had never been in love like I love you. Now, I need you to do something for me. Paul loved you and he adopted you but Mike has loved you, raised you, invested in you and fought for you. I want you to give him a hug." Polly had pulled away and looked at Max expectantly. Mike wanted the hug but figured that there was no way that he would get it. It shocked him when Max hugged him. Mike hung onto him for dear life.

"I am so sorry you feel this way, Max. You have brought more than just pain into our lives. You've brought joy, laughter, and love into our lives. More than you can even imagine. If there's been any pain, it's been overshadowed by all that. We are letting you go but you will always have a place here, you will always have love here and will always have us. I hope in time, we can all heal and you find your way back quickly. There is not an ounce of resentment where you're concerned. Just very deep love. You call us anytime for any reason?" Despite the tears in Polly's voice, she was very resolute and had been rubbing Max's shoulder as he hugged Mike. Mike had felt him nod and knew it was time to let him go.

"She's right, son. You have a home here and the door is open whenever you want to come home. No questions asked. You are the reason I found your mom and I will always appreciate that and love you for it. God knows I could have been a better father to you but I could not have asked for a better son. The fact that you are willing to sacrifice this so that your mom and I can realize that we need to be better for the other kids, it shows you're true character." Mike had released Max but kept his hands on his shoulders. He was seeing some cracks in Max's demeanor and while he knew that he couldn't solve the issue, time would. Max pulled away and Hannah and Matty come from their hiding spot. Max was standing by the door waiting on them. Mike gave Matty a hug while Hannah spoke with Polly and gave her a hug and kiss and then they switched off and Mike held Hannah and was instantly calmed.

"Daddy, it'll be okay. He'll come back. I think Gabby is what will draw him." Hannah whispered in his ear as Mike held her. It made sense because Max had a special relationship with his younger sister.

"I hope. I appreciate you letting them stay with you. I know money is tight so here's some money and please let me know when you need more. Your grocery bill has gone up substantially. And text me the information on your doctor's appointment. I want to be there. We'll make a day of it." Mike had pulled away to take the money out of his wallet and handed it to Hannah. She thankfully took it and kissed him on the cheek.

"I'm hoping that this ends before the wedding. Having my two younger brothers around right after I get married…no thank you."

"I don't even want to think about your post wedding activities. Hopefully it gets better before but if not, we will figure something out where Max is concerned. I know Matty will stay here."

"Oh, come on, Dad. You have to realize that we are adults with adult relationships. Where did you think that Mikey and Hope come from?" Hannah was just harassing him to ease his nerves and he knew it but he still didn't want to think about his daughter's sex lives.

"They weren't hatched?"

"No, Dad. Was Charlotte? Or any of us? On second thought, no I don't want to have this conversation with you. You like to give details that I don't even want to know about you." Hannah was still teasing with Mike and he knew it. He was a little too aware of the fact that when Sam was home from school, he lived at Hannah's and so it didn't take a genius to figure out that he didn't sleep in the spare room.

"If you don't want the truth, you shouldn't answer your apartment door with just a robe on. I am scarred for life. I changed your diapers. I don't need to see that much of you, ever. Ever"

"I was afraid that you would just unlock the door. That would have been really embarrassing. And you can say the same about Sam. You changed his diapers too, I'm sure."

"I did. Seeing him in his boxers? No, thank you. I am not sure which is worse, seeing you in that robe or seeing him in those boxers. I wanted to stab my eyes with an ice pick."

"I'll remember that the next time I hear you tell one of the younger kids that if your bedroom door is shut, they have to wait until you or Mom answer it. We all know why." Polly and Matty were just talking and so Mike needed to end the conversation. Polly probably knew that Sam lived at Hannah's but turned a blind eye to it. She didn't need it brought up.

"Hey, I love that we have such a great relationship. The one thing I can tell you, although I don't want the details where you're concerned, keep that part of your relationship. It can be a great way to solve arguments." Hannah blushed a bright red and started laughing. Mike pulled her into another hug and kissed her. For him not having a relationship with her when he found the kids, they had not only a great father daughter relationship but also a friendship, deeper than what he with any of his other kids. It was very open and very honest and something Mike treasured.

"On that note, I need to get these boys home. See you all for church Sunday and we will be at dinner, all of us. My appointment is Monday at eleven. I understand if you can't make it though?" Hannah was saying one thing but Mike could tell, she wanted him there. He had initially refused but he wouldn't be doing that again.

"Nope. I'll be there. How about we meet after the boys go to school?"

"Eight thirty? Maggie's?" Hannah had picked up her purse and gave Polly another kiss. She was making her way towards the front door. Matty and Max had stepped outside and so there wouldn't be any more difficult goodbyes.

"Yep. I'll be there. I'll drive." Mike knew that Hannah didn't really have the extra gas money and so it was easier to just drive them. She hated accepting money from him.

"Okay. Holler if you all need anything. I may come out tomorrow. Grace is a baby hog and I barely had a chance to hold Charlotte. I'm jealous."

"We'd love to have you. Call us if you need anything." Polly gave Hannah another hug and watched as she headed out the door. Mike wrapped an arm around Polly and kissed the side of her head. He knew she was trying to be strong but also knew that it had torn her to pieces, watching her son walk away. "He'll be back. I just have to have faith. Max is a good boy. I hate it for you though."

"Babe, I caused this. I guess I'm not understanding you." Mike had wrapped both arms around Polly and rested his chin on the top of her head.

"You are going to tear yourself to pieces because of that. Mike, it will get better. It has to, because it couldn't be any worse. Just hang onto the fact that he'll be back. I know how much you love Max."

"I figured you would resent me because of this?" Mike had pulled away but had his hands in Polly's hair, curling it with his fingers.

"Maybe I would but I had kind of felt the same way and I know that you want him here. It also makes things interesting with Matty. I haven't quite figured out what his end game is. So you're gonna have a Hannah day Monday? That'll help you. You love your days with her."

"I love my days with all my kids but Hannah is cathartic. The reasoning isn't so great though. Her levels came back off and she has an emergency check up with Doc. I initially had told her I couldn't be there but I can't not be there. That's really worrying me." Polly had pulled away because Charlotte had started fussing in their bedroom. Mike locked the doors and joined her in their room where she was nursing their youngest daughter.

"Well, like I said, things can't get worse. Just have faith that she'll be okay." Polly squeezed Mike's hand and then stroked the top of Charlotte's head, right over her birthmark. Mike had laid down on the bed next to her and kissed the top of Charlotte's head, right on top of the birthmark. He had done the same thing several times. Polly's idea that it was from Lucas had intrigued him. He knew it was simply a birthmark but the idea was nice. Polly had covered herself and Charlotte up because she heard one of the kids padding down the hallway and Tommy knocked on their door. He had tears in his eyes and seemed hesitant. He roomed with Matty and Max and seemed very forlorn.

"I don't like sleeping in there by myself. Can I come in here?" Mike stood up and wrapped an arm around Tommy and then lifted him onto the bed. It wasn't something that they had thought about. Tommy had never slept in a room by himself. He went from Mike and Polly's room to his nursery that he shared with Rebecca until they were two and then to Matty and Max's room. Tommy had cuddled up as close to his mother as he could get and Mike laid down beside him and kissed the top of his head.

"This isn't permanent. They will be back." Mike had wrapped an arm around his youngest son and thankfully Tommy leaned into him for comfort. Polly had also given him a kiss but she was more restricted because of nursing Charlotte. Mike had figured they would end up with Rebecca but Tommy was a bit of a surprise. He loved hanging out with his older brothers in their room. It made him feel special. It was just one more thing Mike had messed up.

"I hope so. I miss them. Are you sure I can stay in here?" Mike and Polly exchanged a look over Tommy's head. It wasn't ideal but they knew Tommy wouldn't be sleeping well without his big brothers close by.

"Yeah but you may hear us get up when Charlotte cries. She doesn't sleep through the night." Polly had carefully adjusted her clothing and handed Charlotte to Mike to burp and get ready for bed.

"It's okay. I just don't want to be alone." Mike tucked the blankets around Tommy and kissed him. Polly had come back in from changing into her pajamas. Charlotte had gone to sleep after being burped and having her diaper changed. Mike quickly changed into his pajama pants and a t-shirt and settled next to his youngest son. Charlotte was sound asleep in her little bassinet and Tommy was also getting sleepy but was crying softly. Mike and Polly both turned on their sides facing their upset son, and held onto him, hoping he would at least sleep in their arms.


	26. Chapter 26

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 26

To say that Mike and Polly were worried sick about their youngest son would have been the understatement of the year. Tommy wasn't eating and would barely sleep between Mike and Polly. They didn't even attempt to make him sleep in his own room. They had no idea how to solve it. It had helped a little when Tommy saw Matty at church and then later for their family dinner but when Tommy asked Matty where Max was, all Matty could tell him was that Max was working. It had made Tommy cry. The only comfort that Tommy seemed to get was by getting to hold Charlotte. He had a good bond with the baby girl who reserved most of her smiles for him.

Mike had to sit aside all his concern for Tommy who had stayed home from school with his mom and baby sister to go with Hannah to her appointment on Monday. He was scared and nervous about that. Max was already at school when Mike got to Hannah's however Matty wasn't. He met him on the stairs on the way up to Hannah's apartment.

"Hey, Dad! I have a baseball game tonight at six. I understand if you can't be there…" Matty had paused for just a moment and Mike rubbed his arm.

"Provided how today goes. Max playing too?"

"Yep." Matty put his backpack on his back and gave Mike a smile. It reminded Mike of Christine which was oddly comforting.

"I will definitely try to make it." Mike had let a yawn out and then smiled at Matty.

"Charlotte keep you guys up all night?"

"No, she sleeps from about ten until about three before she needs fed and then sleeps til about seven. Tommy's having a rough time. He didn't sleep at all last night. He just cries. Isn't eating. Mom and I are really worried. He misses you guys." Mike didn't mean it as a guilt trip, especially where Matty was concerned. As time progressed he had found himself getting angrier at Max, which also wasn't right. Tommy was generally always happy and very mischievous. To see him so depressed was upsetting to Mike and Polly.

"Bring him to the ballgame tonight? And would it help if I stayed the night? I feel bad." Matty was rubbing his face and Mike could tell he was upset.

"I can't. Mom and I held him out of school today so he can't be at a sporting event. I wish I could. As far as staying the night, maybe but he misses both of you boys. This was not something I figured would happen. The only time he smiles is at Charlotte. He loves his little sister."

"I should have realized it. I will mention it to Max. See what happens. I'd better get to school. Love ya, bye!" Matty gave Mike a quick hug and ran down the steps. Mike yelled that he loved him too and then headed up the rest of the way up the steps. He just hoped that Hannah's always happy-go-lucky mood would rub off on him. He knocked on her door and was greeted by her smiling but swollen face.

"Hey, Sis. What's with your face? It looks swollen." He had also noticed she was holding her mouth oddly.

"Hey, Daddy. How are you? I am well. Your face looks tired." Hannah's smile was a little off but at least she was joking.

"I am tired but I am worried about you. What's going on?" He had followed Hannah into the apartment and she filled his coffee cup up.

"Tooth. I think it's my wisdom teeth. Not sure. Hurts like…well, you know."

"Have you called a dentist?" Mike wet a clean wash rag with hot water and pressed it to the side of Hannah's face, not caring about her make-up.

"Daddy, dentists cost money. I have dental insurance but there's still a copay and I refuse to take more money from you. Let's just get to Doctor Grant and see what he says." Hannah was proud, even more so than Grace. Mike hated seeing her in pain but knew that she wasn't going to be convinced until after her appointment with Doc.

"Alright but I am keeping an eye on you. Let's go." Mike wrapped an arm around Hannah and kissed the top of her head. Between a bad tooth and her upcoming appointment, Mike was worried about Hannah. She locked up and they headed downstairs and to his truck.

On the way to the appointment, Mike and Hannah went over details for her upcoming wedding, talked about Tommy, and the concerns where Max was concerned. Polly had always joked that Hannah should have been a therapist and Mike felt better just talking to her. With Grace, the old issues and resentment came up and Mike didn't feel comfortable talking with his younger kids like he did with Hannah. He could be a complete open book with Hannah and she just soaked it in. Aside from Polly and Tom, Hannah was Mike's best friend. It was especially odd since she was his daughter and there had been a point in time that Mike barely acknowledged Hannah.

They got to Doctor Grant's early enough and the nurse drew some more blood from Hannah. She was still so fragile from her bout the year before that Mike was terrified. She would not be able to withstand another fight against Leukemia. Mike was sitting next to her and had her hand in his when Doctor Grant came in. Part of the appeal with Doc was that he went straight to the point and as soon as he sat down, he started.

"Okay. The good news is, the Leukemia is still not showing up. The bad news is, something is screwing with your levels and the blood is telling me you have an infection. So, what's going on?" Mike liked that Doctor Grant spoke to Hannah in general terms and was at times, even a bit fatherly to her.

"I feel fine…" Hannah was fibbing and normally Mike would have kept his mouth shut but he knew Hannah wouldn't tell what was going on.

"Would a bad tooth cause that?" Mike gave Hannah a sideways glance and Doctor Grant cocked his head as he looked at Hannah.

"Could. Hannah, your face does look swelled. How long have you had a toothache? Open up." Doctor Grant took a tongue dispenser and examined the inside of Hannah's mouth. Once he finished, he gave Mike a look. He threw the tongue dispenser away and sat back down.

"A couple weeks. It's not a big deal. Just a tooth. I probably just bit down wrong."

"Nope. You have an abscessed tooth, and it is pretty inflamed. I also see your wisdom teeth are pushing against the others. I am no dentist but you need to have those wisdom teeth pulled along with the abscessed one. My guess is that the infection is leeching into your blood stream. It happens. I am going to put you on some antibiotics and refer you into an oral surgeon who's a friend of mine. You'll like her and she does have a sliding scale if that's a concern."

"We'll figure out the money side. What a relief!" Mike knew Hannah hated going to the dentist but it was better than the alternative.

"Says the guy that has never had a cavity or any dental problems in his life." Hannah smirked at Mike and they all stood up. Hannah had gotten her mother's dental issues where Grace and Matty had inherited Mike's perfect dental record.

"Hey, you'll get good drugs at least. I've seen you on laughing gas. It's hilarious." Doctor Grant was laughing at Mike and Hannah's antics and spoke with the nurse for a second.

"Okay, Hannah, I am calling in a prescription for some pretty strong antibiotics and we'll call the oral surgeon. They'll call you with an appointment time. My guess is that they'll do a consultation and then the surgery. I also want to recheck you in a month to make sure your counts are evening out. So the big day is coming? I got the invitation and plan to be there with my wife."

"Great. Yeah, two months. And just a word of warning, my dad will cry." Doc had escorted them to the door and gave Mike a look. It was something only dads would understand.

"Yeah, well I did too. No judgement here. Have a great day." Doc gave Hannah a hug and shook Mike's hand and then they left the office.

"So, lunch? Something soft?" Mike asked Hannah as they got in the truck.

"Pancakes? Whatever you want."

"Hannah, what's wrong?" Mike paused while buckling his seatbelt. Something was off where Hannah was concerned. He knew her too well.

"Just finances, Dad. Nothing else, I promise. Stinks that I can't even afford to take my own dad out for lunch. Stupid leukemia." Hannah so rarely cried that it bothered Mike and he reached over and ran a hand through her hair. It had come back in the same color but curly. It made her look even more like Christine, especially since she had it done in a cute bob style.

"There will come a time that you will be able to and until then I am not worried about it. Matty's solution is to take me and feed me off the dollar menu, with money I gave him. Seriously, sweetie, I am not worried about it. You do plenty for me and this family. We all love you and want to help you. Now, I have looked forward to this time out all weekend. After lunch what do you want to do?"

"I really need to go grocery shopping. I guess I never realized how much the boys ate. My God, Dad!" Hannah wiped the tears and gave Mike a smile.

"You don't want to imagine our grocery bill. It's insane and I wouldn't have it any other way. Let's go."

Mike took Hannah out for the requested pancakes, and then found the place in the mall that they could go zip lining, go cart driving and rock climbing. Despite their highly competitive natures; it was a relaxing time for both of them and one Mike had realized he needed badly. Afterwards, they went grocery shopping and Mike picked up the tab. He knew that Matty and Max living with Hannah was causing her a financial strain. He wanted his boys moved back in with him but there was no telling how long it would last.

After dropping Hannah home with all the groceries, he headed home. When he walked in, Polly was sitting on the couch, letting Tommy hold Charlotte. There were tears on the little boy's face and it just made Mike's heart hurt. He sat down next to Tommy and kissed the top of his head. The little boy kind of leaned into Mike and Charlotte gave him a big smile.

"Hey, buddy. Are you getting tired?" Mike smoothed back Tommy's hair and gave Polly a smile.

"A little. Is Hannah okay?"

"She's fine. She has a bad tooth that's making her sick. She'll get it taken out and will be just fine. How about we give Charlotte to Momma and I'll hold you?" Tommy handed Charlotte over to Polly and Mike pulled the little boy onto his chest. Polly had moved and taken Charlotte to a quilt on the floor. As soon as Mike got settled, Polly put a blanket over Mike and Tommy.

"I told Matty I would go to their ball game this evening. Max is also playing. Do you want to go?" Polly had knelt next to Mike and was rubbing Tommy's back.

"I'd like to but I'd better stay home. Still sore and I don't want Charlotte out in the sun like that just yet. So, just a bad tooth, huh?"

"Yeah. Thank God. Why don't you relax some too? You barely have. I think Matty may stay the night tonight. See if it helps Tommy any." Polly had sat down next to Mike and he could see the exhaustion on her face. She hadn't taken Matty and Max moving out well and had tried to hide it.

"Let me put Charlotte in the playpen and I'll lay down here with you. That is, if you don't mind your big, fat wife so close."

"You are perfect. Absolutely breathtaking." Mike leaned forward and gave Polly a kiss. He was going to need to plan a date day soon for her. She got up and laid Charlotte down in the playpen. Mike scooted over so she could lie down next to him and set his alarm to pick the kids up from school. As soon as she got comfortable, she laid her head on his shoulder and wrapped an arm around Tommy.

Polly and Tommy went to sleep quickly but Mike stayed awake. Charlotte was in her playpen and watching a mobile that Andrea Garnett had had overnighted to them. She was fascinated by it and was happily gurgling and cooing. At two, Mike heard his cellphone chime with a text alert. He was able to get the phone out of his pocket and was shocked to see Max's name on the ID.

 _"Matty told me about Tommy. I'm really sorry. I didn't think he would react that way. Can I come home? I know you are probably upset with me but I truly didn't intend on that happening."_

Mike was in a state of shock. He didn't even thought of Max having that reaction. He had been a little angry at Max but all that dissipated and as much as he didn't want to wake Polly; he needed her input in the response. He wanted his boys home but sometimes he struggled with the optics. He gently shook her awake.

"Babe, sorry, I wouldn't wake you normally but Max just texted. I obviously want him home but I need your help with a response." He handed the phone to Polly and she quickly read it and then started responding. He trusted her to respond correctly. She handed the phone back before the send button was pressed.

 _"I know you didn't intend on it. None of us imagined how he would react. You are more than welcome back here. You always were. We are not upset with you at all and I understand what you were doing. Please come home. We love you, I love you."_

Mike read the message and hit send. For the first time in three days, Polly had a smile on her face. He bent down and kissed her and then rubbed Tommy's shoulder. He thought about letting him read the text but almost as if reading Mike's mind, Polly shook her head.

"Mike, I understand you want to tell Tommy but if something happens and the boys don't come home; it will really break his heart. It's best to just surprise him." Mike nodded at her. It was a normal request. He just was trying to rein in his excitement.


	27. Chapter 27

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 27

Mike got to the ballfield early enough to talk to Max but he was out practicing and so he settled on one of the bleachers, hoping that he hadn't changed his mind. Polly was thrilled and he knew that it would break her heart if Max and Matty didn't come home. He knew that Hannah had picked up a shift at Maggie's and so he figured that he would be the only one there watching his two boys. He was shocked to see Grace with Mikey and Hope. She sat down beside him and Mikey jumped into his lap.

"Hi, Gampa! I missed you!" Mikey told him as he wrapped both arms around his neck and kissed Mike. It felt surprisingly good.

"I missed you, too. How's Gampa's girl?" He asked Grace as he leaned over and gave Hope a kiss. She was a momma's girl through and through and was sitting on her mommy's lap. He also put an arm around Grace and side hugged her.

"She's good. She had her shots today and so she's not quite herself. Hope, are you going to give Gampa a kiss?" Grace asked her and the little girl pointed at Grace. "Do you want me to give him a kiss, first?" Hope nodded and Grace kissed Mike's cheek.

"It's okay. She's not feeling good. You always hated your shots too. So, what are you up to?" Mike asked just before the National Anthem started. They all stood up and Mike sat Mikey on the ground so he could stand at attention. Somethings still carried over from his time in the Navy.

After it was finished; they all sat back down and watched Matty go to batting position. "Hannah wasn't sure if you or Polly would be here and felt one of us needed to be. Ryan got a job at the factory working nights so I figured I would get the kids out of the house for a few hours so he could sleep. Poor guy has barely slept. He is trying to watch the kids during the day so I can work; and then by the evening, he's exhausted so I need to find evening stuff for the kiddos."

"Well, you can bring them out anytime. They haven't met their aunt Charlotte yet." Mike told Grace quietly because he wasn't sure what her response would be.

"I may take you up on that. I didn't want to until you and Polly said it was okay. I know things have been weird. Things getting better?" Grace reached over and squeezed Mike's forearm as she asked.

"A little. Max texted me today asking to come home. Tommy's not handled things well. He's not been eating or sleeping. He's been in with Polly and me but he's barely slept. When everything blew up; I never ever thought that would happen and I feel horribly." Mike still kept his voice down. He was ashamed of himself now.

"I suspected it. Tommy loves his big brothers. Does he know yet? That they are coming back?" Grace asked as she readjusted Hope who was becoming sleepy.

"No. Polly wanted to keep it quiet until it happened in case it didn't. Didn't want to get his hopes up. All he does done the last two days is cry. Poor kid. He does smile though, just at Charlotte. Rebecca can't even help him." Mike said as he kissed the top of Mikey's head. The little boy was intent on that ball game, just as Matty hit the ball across the back fence.

"Gampa! Uncle Matty got it 'cross the fence! Is that good?" Mikey asked excitedly.

"Yep! Cheer for your uncles. Yay!" Mike was whistling and Mikey was cheering happily.

"I signed Mikey up for T-ball by the way. Ryan is going to try and coach the team but may need some help. Since Alec's schedule is so erratic…I know you have a lot on your plate but…" Grace was stumbling on asking Mike. She hated asking Mike for anything.

"Of course. Grace, I know things have been odd between us but I really do love you. I know sometimes I am horrible to you and I know that I have never been the father you have deserved but I have loved you from day one. I may have not been the father you deserved but you have been a daughter that I never deserved. From doing what you did for Charlotte to giving me these two beautiful grandbabies, to helping Polly after we got her and Charlotte home, raising Hannah and Matty and being willing to swoop in and help with the three younger kids when I lost my mind. You have no idea how much all that meant to me. You maybe all grown up with kids of your own; but you are still my baby girl." Mike wasn't sure why he had said all of it but it did need to be said. When he looked over at Grace; he noticed the tears on her face. Thankfully she was wearing sunglasses and he leaned over and kissed the side of her head.

"I have no idea what brought all that up. You are wrong about one thing though. You have always been exactly the father we all deserved and so much more. Even when you've had a rough time; you had Tommy in with you and Polly being exactly what you said you weren't. A great dad. And another thing; I know I have thrown it in your face numerous times about raising Hannah and Matty but that needs to end now. I did what I did to keep the family together. I didn't know if you would ever find us but if you didn't, I didn't want to not have them in my life. I made that choice and I thank God every day that I did because I have gotten to watch Hannah grow into a teacher and who knows with Matty. Yes, I did do it for you but I also did it for myself. And for them. Hannah needed to be reminded that you had loved her too and Matty needed to know that he had two parents, that while he may never know you, that you and Mom would have loved him. That is why I did what I did and I don't regret it. I should have never thrown it in your face like that. I think doing Charlotte's room was a way of…I honestly don't even know. I just wanted that little girl to have everything she would need and for you and Polly not to have anything to worry about. You and she needed to recover from the trauma of the past couple months. If it meant packing all of the kids up, I would have done it. I knew you would come around and I also knew that Max would."

"I just hope we can get past this mess. I do appreciate you doing what you did for Charlotte. We really love her room and everything else." Mike said as Max came up to bat. He hadn't done a very good job of watching the boy's game. He pointed towards the mound and Grace nodded.

"I love the word 'Miracle' on the wall. I could have painted her name or something else but that word is so descriptive of her." Grace had emphasized the word miracle but her attention was on Max.

"It is. She really has the pout down. Polly says it is going to get her out of a lot of trouble when she's older. It is beyond cute. I have honestly never seen such an advanced newborn." Mike said it as he looked down at Hope who had the same pout going. "Now that I think of it, I have seen that pout on her older sister and her niece. I just realized it."

"I don't pout, Dad. I am almost thirty. But I will say when Hope does it, it doesn't matter what it is, Ryan just melts. I suspect you will do the same. Now, what I really love is when Charlotte sighs. I noticed her doing it after she was finished nursing. How cute." Grace told Mike it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"That is cute. She also giggles." Mike said with a huge smile. He was in love with Charlotte. He didn't remember feeling so euphoric after the birth of any of his other children. He hadn't quite figured it out yet but he loved the feeling.

"And she has you totally wrapped around her tiny finger. It's adorable." Grace said it just as Max slammed the ball into the outfield and began running for first base, which in effect, sent Matty to second and then third base. Max was following at his heels and they both crossed the home base. Mike and Grace were both on their feet, yelling. Both boys gave them embarrassed looks and they sat down.

"She's not the only one. You all do. I'm all tied up in knots." Mike said as he settled Mikey back down, this time on his other side.

"I won't tell any of your old Navy buddies. Uh oh." Grace said with a groan.

"What?" Mike asked her suspiciously.

"Keep calm, Dad. It's Coach Keller. There's rumors he's trying to get a job here again." Grace put a hand on Mike's forearm. She knew his temper really well, maybe because it matched her own. The annoying coach was walking towards them and Mike took a deep breathe.

"Ah, Slattery, I saw that boy got a homerun. He might actually amount to something. Pretty good for a bast…" The former coach was talking on and Mike could feel Grace's fingernails digging into his arms.

"There are younger children here who don't need to hear that language. As far as my son is concerned, of course, he'll amount to something. Now, leave me alone so I can watch both my sons play ball with my daughter and grandchildren."

Coach Keller started to say something but Principal Hayes had walked up. As he walked away, Mikey said in a loud voice, "Gampa, he's a scary man."

They watched the rest of the game a little quietly. Mikey had ended up back on Mike's lap and had fallen asleep. Hope was also sound asleep in her mother's lap. The game had ended and Mike needed to help Grace with the two kids. He caught Matty's attention and let him know. Matty let him know that they would meet at the truck.

Mike helped Grace get the kids in her vehicle and gave her a hug and a kiss. Their talk made Mike feel a lot better. He was just ready to get his boys home and get Tommy in a better frame of mind. As he walked back to the truck, he heard the two boys talking. He was nervous and had no idea what to say to them, especially Max. He just knew; he wanted his son back. He finally got to the truck where the two boys were waiting on him.

"Hey, guys, you ready to go home because I am beyond ready to have you back?" Mike asked both boys. Matty nodded at him and gave him a cheeky grin. Max was looking at his feet and Mike was terrified that he was having second thoughts. "Max? I want you there too. Not just because of Tommy. I want you home. Your mom wants you there. We all love you and our home has had something missing the past couple days. We've lost the laughter and joy you bring to our family and we need it back badly. I know that this is my fault but I am begging you, son, I need you home."

Max simply nodded at Mike and gave him a huge hug. Mike held him for a minute. Matty had gotten in the truck and once it started raining, Mike and Max had to join him. The drive out to the farm was quiet and Mike had texted Polly to let her know.

 _"I am headed home, with the boys."_

 _"Oh, thank God. I was worried something would happen. Drive safely. I am still going to let it be a surprise for our boy."_

 _"Yes, ma'am. I love you."_

 _"Love you more."_

 _"Um, doubtful."_

Mike smiled at the exchange and finished the drive. He pulled into the driveway and Polly had the front door open and Tommy was standing on the porch. As soon as the two older boys got out of the truck, Tommy ran down the steps and ran straight to Max, who immediately gave him a huge hug. Mike had noticed that Tommy was barefooted but the little boy didn't seem to even care. Polly also stepped off the porch but waited on the walkway. Mike decided to join her and give the three boys privacy. She was holding Charlotte and Mike walked up and gave them both a kiss.

"How are two of my favorite girls?" Mike asked Polly as he wrapped an arm around her.

"We are good. She has taken a full bottle of formula with little complaint; she's burped, bathed, pooped and bathed again because she loves to make a mess. She's also laughed and pouted. I think she was missing her daddy." Polly told Mike as she passed their little bundle of joy to Mike who gave him a big smile.

"Sorry, sweet pea. I have a bunch of daddy's girls. Sometimes I need to spend time with them. Tonight, I talked to your biggest sister. How's Mommy?" Mike asked as he gave Polly another kiss. They had stepped up onto the porch and sit down on the porch swing.

"Mommy is glad her big boys are home. Aside from that, relaxing on the couch sounds wonderful. Mike, we have a meeting tomorrow. The hospital attorney is coming here. Ours is also going to be here. He thinks they want to settle." Polly told Mike in a quiet tone. They hadn't really discussed suing the hospital but their attorney had told them it needed to be done, simply so what had happened to Polly and Charlotte wouldn't happen to another patient.

"What are your thoughts? You were the one that this really happened to." Mike asked as he wrapped his arm around her and cuddled Charlotte close. She seemed to be enjoying the swinging motion.

"It happened to you too. You're her father. You were also told we should have aborted her. You also thought that your child had died but weren't told differently. Medically, yeah, I had more happen but psychologically speaking; you were hurt as deeply as me." Polly said as she reached over and kissed Charlotte's hand.

"I guess, see what they offer. Alec has been working with the sheriff in that county to open up a criminal investigation in regards to her being neglected. The not feeding her has really messed him up. The fact that she was cold and wet is also bothering him." As Mike said it; Charlotte gave him a cute pout, almost like he was bringing up a bad memory. He bent over and kissed her nose which earned him a smile.

"Their excuse is that she's undesirable. I know we went into this thinking we were going to lose her, but now? Now, I can't imagine this family without her. She's just a few days old, but she's already such a little fixture. I rarely even remember that she has Down's." Polly said as she laughed at the smile that Charlotte was giving Mike.

"Me either. I just don't even see it. I think she's perfection personified." Mike said as the boys come up on the porch. Tommy was apparently regretting not wearing shoes because Matty was giving him a ride on his back. Tommy was grinning from ear to ear, completely happy.

"She has it, but it's minimal. Hannah said we would have to just ride it out but she thinks that Charlotte may have a normal life. Said that there is every possibility she'll go to school, graduate, go to college, get married and even have her own babies. It's really too early to tell now but she says she is advanced." Polly said as she stood up and pulled Mike up. The boys had gone inside. "Come on, old man."

"Young lady, you need to wait a good long time before you get married and have babies. I've already walked one daughter down the aisle and in about two months, I have to walk another down the aisle. At least I have a few years before I have to walk Gabby and Rebecca down the aisle." Mike told Charlotte who gave him another pout. He sat down with her on the couch and indicated for Polly to join him. The other kids had gone to their rooms to get ready for bed and it was just a matter of getting Charlotte settled down.

It didn't take long for Polly to fall asleep leaning into Mike's shoulder. Charlotte had also dozed off but Mike wasn't prepared to move either of them. He could hear the kids settling down for bed and knew that within a few minutes, he would need to lay Charlotte down to give goodnight hugs and kisses to Gabby, Rebecca and Tommy but in the meantime, he was focused on the baby that he and Polly had been told repeatedly, that she didn't deserve to live because she was undesirable. He could get angry but instead and just wrapped Charlotte's hand around his index finger. Her little fingernails were just so perfect just like the rest of her.


	28. Chapter 28

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 28

"We are deeply regretful of the care that you and your daughter received. It was unprofessional and reflects poorly on the medical profession. It will not happen again. Our concern is that this will be taken to the media. With the boom in the population since the Red Flu; we want to be sought out for our Labor and Delivery department, as well as our Neonatal Unit. Stories like yours will not help that. I realize that this is not about money but more in the care that future patients will receive. However, your pain and suffering is going to come at a massive cost to our hospital. I know you might see this number as hush money; but I also know; your daughter will require special care. This number will facilitate that. You don't have to accept it, you can sue us but the number that a judge or jury gives you may be less or it maybe more. I can give you our assurance what happened to Charlotte and what happened to you, Mrs. Slattery, will never, ever occur again. The mindset that because of a developmental disability, a child is not desired is completely uncalled for and has to be changed. I can tell that Charlotte is a very special baby and your family already loves her so much. Like I said, this is not hush money; more of an apology." The CEO of the hospital had shown up with the hospital's legal counsel. As he was talking; Mike and Polly looked towards their attorney who nodded at them. The CEO slid an envelope towards them and Mike took it. He figured it would have a proposed settlement for a couple thousand dollars. When he opened it, his jaw dropped.

" _$25,000,000.00"_

Mike showed it to Polly who had nearly the same reaction he did. She passed it to their attorney but stood up to get Charlotte out of the bassinet, she was fussing slightly. As soon as Polly picked her up, she settled and Polly brought her back to the table where they were all sitting. Charlotte immediately smiled at the CEO and attorney and then started sucking on her thumb.

"Can I ask for a moment with my clients?" Mike and Polly's attorney asked and the CEO and hospital attorney stood up and walked out to the porch. As soon as the door shut; their attorney began talking. "I don't think you will get a better offer. I realize this is not about money but we can make some stipulations. An annual review of their cases to make sure they properly treat their patients. Or, you all can just be done; take the money and put this all behind you. I recommend that."

The attorney also stood up and went outside and Mike and Polly sit for a moment, just looking at the envelope. Finally, Polly spoke; "Mike, I know you are a fighter and you want to make sure this is made right. I want to put the last several months behind us and just enjoy this little girl. If we pursue this, in whichever way; we will be reliving it constantly. I don't want that and I don't think we can afford it, as a family. I don't care about the money but he made a point. Charlotte deserves the best and so do the other kids. I think we should accept it and go on with our lives. Just take the hospital's word that this won't happen to another patient."

"I agree. Mostly because this has done so much damage and we need to put that behind us. You don't want to think about it or pray about it?" Mike asked her as he bent down and kissed Charlotte's nose.

"No, I just want to be done. We put the money in the bank and raise our kids." Polly told him as she gave him a kiss.

"Alright. I will go get them. I do have to teach Charlotte not to flirt with every man she sees. This could get embarrassing." Mike told Polly before he walked out to get the attorneys and the CEO. The three men followed him back in and sit down, immediately earning them a smile from Charlotte.

"My wife and I have come to an agreement. We accept the offer and we will not be going to the media or pursuing this in any other manner. We will trust that you will treat future patients with more care, respect and understanding. We simply want to raise our daughter. You can set up reviews or whatever you want; but my wife and I want no part in it. For the past several months, we were told to abort our child because she would be born with disabilities, then we were told she would die soon after her birth, when we still refused to abort her; she was considered undesirable and we were lectured, told we were horrible parents and that we were stupid. I don't know if the care that Polly and Charlotte received was some sort of punishment but you cannot imagine the hell it caused us and especially, our other children. After she was born; we weren't told if she was alive or dead, or what was going on. She was left in a room; without food, in a wet diaper, without a blanket for several hours. No human contact until my brother in law got to her. My wife was allowed to be ripped open and then left unstitched for over twenty four hours exposing her to infection. She also went without food. Had it not been for my brother-in-law and my oldest daughter, Polly and Charlotte would not have been cared for. I do know that my brother-in-law is working a criminal investigation, that will be continued, but my wife and I will go no further civilly. If we are subpoenaed on the criminal case, we will testify. We will not approach the media in any manner and will give no comments if we are approached. Is this agreeable?" Mike used the same tone he would have taken in the Navy and Polly nodded at them firmly.

"I see no problem with that. I will have a check delivered here by the end of the day. I do have one question and you, by all means, can say no?" The CEO hadn't stopped looking at Charlotte who was smiling back at him.

"Sure." Mike gave his attorney a confused look.

"I would really like to hold Charlotte. I had a granddaughter with Down's. She died during the Red Flu. I won't hurt her in anyway, I promise." The CEO had asked quietly and Polly nodded at Mike and then passed him the baby. Mike immediately handed her over to the CEO who took her and held her closely.

"I am sorry about your granddaughter. I lost a son to the Red Flu. He's been gone for years and I still…miss him every day." Mike wasn't even sure why he had said it but the CEO had the same look on his face that Mike would get when Matty laughed or Mikey showed him his new toy dinosaurs. Under the table; Polly grasped his hand and squeezed. He rarely spoke about Lucas to people that were not in his family.

"I'm sorry. My granddaughter's birthday was today. I guess when I see Charlotte, I was reminded of Katie." The CEO smiled at Charlotte who immediately gave a smile back.

"She was born on Lucas' birthday. It was...at the time; when Polly went into labor; I was angry. We thought that Charlotte would die soon after birth and so the one day of the year that I just don't cope; my son's birthday, I was going to have another child die. It was hellish and then when we didn't know for so many hours…anyway, we just want to focus on her and our other kids, of course." Mike wasn't sure why he had shared so much; but it just felt right. Polly rubbed his arm; reassuredly and Charlotte smiled back at him.

"I can't imagine. And I don't want to ever hear another story like that. That number seems smaller now but it is all I am authorized to give you from our board." The CEO said as he smiled at Charlotte who was watching closely.

"Sir, we need to be going." The hospital attorney told the CEO quietly.

"Right, here you go. Like I said; I will have the check here by the end of day and what happened to you all; will never happen again. My deepest and sincerest apologies." The CEO said as he stood up and handed Charlotte to Mike. The two men from the hospital left, leaving Mike, Polly, their attorney and of course Charlotte who was getting sleepy.

"I think you all did the best thing you could have done. You made it very clear that this wasn't a money matter and I truly think the hospital will not allow something like this to happen again. It was a really bad situation. I also had better get going. My advice is, get wills and trusts set up as soon as possible. I don't care if you go to me or another attorney; but it needs to get set up. I would also advise to get that check deposited as quickly as possible. Even if it is just in your checking account; they'll hold the funds for three days anyway and after that you can start setting separate accounts up. For each kid or whatever you want. Just some personal advice." The attorney had told them as he stood up. He bent over and tickled Charlotte's belly.

"Thank you. We'll make an appointment first thing tomorrow. I'll show you out." Polly started to stand up but when she groaned in pain the attorney stopped her.

"No need. I'll show myself out. Contact me if there are any questions or concerns." The attorney said as he walked out, leaving Mike, Polly and Charlotte alone; staring at the piece of paper with the amount of money on it.

"Do you think it was hush money?" Polly asked Mike as she put the paper in the envelope.

"I don't know, maybe. What I do know is; this…it almost destroyed our family. Almost destroyed our kids. This money won't make our family any stronger but we cannot allow it make us weaker." Mike cuddled Charlotte close and kissed her cheek.

"I agree. I don't know what your plan is; but I would like to set up some sort of account for Charlotte, so that when you and I are gone, she isn't a financial burden to the older kids. She can be properly cared for and I would prefer that she isn't placed in a facility." Polly said as she carefully stood up and walked to the kitchen to start dinner.

"We will be lucky if they don't fight over her and not because of the money. Charlotte is one very well loved little girl and she has siblings that are vying for her top spot." Mike told Polly as he carried Charlotte over to her bassinet and laid the now sleeping baby down.

"And you wouldn't change that for anything." Polly said as she took a prepared casserole out for supper.

"Nope. So, what do we tell the kids?" Mike asked as he sit down at the kitchen island. Polly paused for just a moment and looked out the kitchen window.

"It may be wrong of me but what if we don't tell them?" Polly asked Mike.

"Not sure it's a good idea. It could create some hard feelings if we do. I understand what you're saying but if they; by chance, hear it around; it could cause a lot more problems than what we would want." Mike said as he got up and walked around the kitchen island and hugged Polly. She seemed to be in a bit more pain and leaned into him. "Why don't you go lay down? I'll work on supper and Charlotte is asleep. I have to go get the kids in about a half hour but the casserole won't be done by then."

"I may take you up on that. Just on the couch though. Don't put it in until you get home." Polly told Mike as she cuddled into his chest. "Or, I have a better idea, set your alarm and lay down over there with me. That's what I really want."

"Your wish is my command." Mike said as he released Polly, locked the door, checked on Charlotte, set his alarm and laid down on the couch next to Polly. He knew he wouldn't sleep and he did have things that he needed to do but he wouldn't deny Polly something so simple. She fell asleep with her head on Mike's chest and he would hate moving her when it was time to get the kids. All the emotional trauma and pain had done a number on Polly and she seemed so shaky. It scared and worried him and no amount of money would fix that.


	29. Chapter 29

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 29

Mike and Polly had deposited the check which almost made their banker choke on her coffee. They were frugal with their money and were comfortable before the settlement. Hannah's illness had caused a bit of a financial strain on Mike and Polly. More because they had to help her get caught up. They had also helped Grace and Ryan with somethings since Ryan had left the Navy and didn't have housing benefits anymore. Mike tended to be overly generous where Polly was extremely frugal.

Their house and farm was already paid for but they had already made the decision to quietly pay off Grace and Ryan's house. Their bank was the mortgage holder on the house and they happily accepted the check. They also had met with the attorney and banker and set up a trust for Charlotte. There was money set aside for college for all of the kids and accounts for Grace and Hannah. Hannah's bills had been coming to Mike and Polly's house and so Mike paid all of them off and made her an appointment at the dentist to get her wisdom teeth and the infected tooth pulled because she had been hesitating, mostly because of the expense.

They tithed the full ten percent to the church and donated to other charities. The hospital had paid all the taxes on the money so that wouldn't be a concern later. They had done all that without telling their kids but Polly had insisted on having a family meeting with the older kids and Ryan. Keeping the money a secret was not a good idea. The younger kids, Gabby, Rebecca and Tommy were watching a movie in the living room with Mikey, while Hope and Charlotte were held by their mommies at the dining room table. Dinner had been eaten and the kids all looked a little worried about the meeting.

"Okay, guys, the reason Mom and I wanted to meet with you all is because we got a settlement from the hospital. A rather large one. We accepted it because we wanted to put this behind us. It almost destroyed this family and we felt we couldn't afford to continue going over it. The criminal investigation is ongoing but we settled civilly. This money won't make our family stronger; but it could make us weaker if we let it. Your mom and I have set some accounts up and paid of some existing bills. Grace and Ryan, Mom and I paid off your house and set up an account in your names and designated some of it for Mikey and Hope. Hannah; since the bills from your cancer treatment came here, we paid them all off. I also called and set up an appointment to get those teeth pulled, which I know you're putting off. Max and Matty, money has been put back for your college. Max, I know you were looking at the Navy but if you decide you don't want to do that; there will not be a financial concern. Matty, you don't have to worry so much about the sports scholarships but that doesn't mean you need to stop worrying about your grades. We also have set money aside from the younger kids. We have a trust set up for Charlotte as well. Our concern is; when Mom and I are gone; Charlotte may need to be cared for and we don't want her put in some facility. That is many years in the future but it does need to be thought about. I would like for all of you to take a part in it. We have made a provision that there were would not be a financial burden to whoever cared for her. Now, any questions, concerns or complaints?" Mike asked the kids as he looked around at the stunned faces.

"I would prefer not to think about you and Mom not being here anymore but we will all take care of Charlotte. As long as you two promise it won't be for like forty years." Grace said quietly. She was sitting next to Mike and had her arms full with a sleeping little girl but Mike put an arm around her and kissed her cheek.

"Or longer." Hannah piped up from beside Polly.

"Well, we plan on being around for a good long while but when you have a baby at our ages; it's something that needs to be thought about. I'll be in my seventies when she is twenty. She has a niece and nephew who are older than her and her oldest sister is almost thirty years older than Charlotte. We have a little bit of an odd family. I wouldn't change it for anything though." Mike said as he reached over and kissed Charlotte's hand. She gave him a cute smile and cooed. Polly handed her to him and got up to get the tea pitcher to refill their glasses. Once she sit back down and the pitcher had been passed around, Grace spoke up.

"Speaking of nieces and nephews, Charlotte is going to have one that is younger than her in about six months. We've known for a while but it didn't feel right to say anything before she was born." Grace made the announcement with a smile and Ryan looked thrilled. Hannah, always thrilled with a new family member was looking particularly happy. Mike and Polly were also thrilled for the next baby to join the family.

"Hey, Dad, remember when I was sick and you and Mom were going for your weekend and you told me that me and Sam would be bringing home the next baby…you were really wrong." Hannah teased with an ornery look.

"You too?" Mike had to ask with a rather pale look.

"What? No, good grief, Dad!" Hannah exclaimed loudly, loudly enough to wake Hope up.

"I don't even want to know where that came from." Polly said with a laugh. Mike hadn't told her a lot of details but she knew that Sam practically lived at Hannah's apartment.

"Dad has a wild imagination." Hannah said sarcastically, all while grinning at Mike. Matty and Max had kind of embarrassed looks on their faces and quickly made an exit to watch the movie with the younger kids. They wanted no part in the conversation concerning babies.

"You give me a lot to work with. You're the one that answered the door wearing a robe that left absolutely nothing to the imagination. I just ran with it." Mike said quietly enough so that the younger kids wouldn't hear and Polly had a very annoyed look on her face.

"Hannah, do I need to give you the 'no sex before marriage' talk again?" Polly said with a laugh in her voice. She knew it was too late for any of that.

"Oh, come on, Mom, Sam and I have dated since I was fifteen, you can't think…" Hannah started talking and Ryan covered his face with his hand, Polly stood up and walked into the kitchen and Mike just shook his head at her.

"Too much information, there, Sis. How about I move you back here before the wedding? That would end this conversation real quickly." Mike asked Hannah.

"No, thank you. Dad, when is my appointment at the dentist?" Hannah was obviously trying to change the subject.

"You already had your consult and the surgery is set up for next Thursday morning. I can take you. You'll need a ride." Mike told her with some authority. He didn't put it past Hannah to try and drive herself home after the painful oral surgery. Plus, he was the dad who always wanted to be there for his kids when they were in pain.

"And you'll stay with us that night and longer if need be." Polly said with almost as much authority as what Mike had.

"Yes, ma'am." Hannah knew better than to argue with her parents and she actually loved staying at Mike and Polly. She routinely stayed in her old bedroom at least one night a week. It would probably change once she and Sam got married but for now; she just loved being with them.

"Mike, make sure you get a video of her afterwards. Grace was hilarious when she got her wisdom teeth pulled." Ryan finally spoke up and immediately got slapped in the chest by his wife.

"Duly noted. Do you have a video of Grace?" Mike asked Ryan and Grace groaned.

"No, Dad, he doesn't. Ryan, let's get these kids packed up." Grace told Ryan. She obviously wanted to end the conversation. She had stood up and handed Hope to Ryan. As she walked to the living room; Ryan leaned over to Mike.

"She sang the alphabet, over and over again. I thought my mom was ready to kill her." Ryan said with a huge grin on her face. Mike burst out laughing and leaned up and gave Hope, who was still sleepy, a kiss on the cheek and patted Ryan on the back.

"Let me help you all out." Mike said as he stood up. Mikey had run to him and Mike picked him up, holding him on his back, to give a piggyback ride. They all walked out to the Explorer and Ryan got the two kids secured in their car seats while Mike talked to Grace for a minute.

"Dad, you seriously didn't have to pay our house off. We appreciate it but…" Grace told Mike quietly.

"Grace, I wanted to do something for you. I know that you have wanted past all the stuff and I agree. But you did a lot for me. I wouldn't have felt right about having the money and not doing anything for you and Ryan. Now, accept it and go on. I love you." Mike said as he pulled Grace into a hug. He knew that the house had almost been in foreclosure but he would never tell Grace that he knew that. She and Ryan were proud but they had struggled since he had left the Navy.

"I love you, too, Dad. You don't know how much it has helped us. No idea." Grace said before she leaned up and kissed Mike's cheek.

"Well, it's my job as your dad to help you out when I can. I am really happy about this new little one. Charlotte will love having someone close to her age to play with." Mike told Grace as he pulled away.

"Sorry we didn't tell you all sooner. It just didn't feel right with everything going on with Charlotte. We were getting to a point we were going to have to say. Grace is starting to show a bit." Ryan said as he came around the Explorer.

"Gee, thanks, Babe. What a way to say I'm getting fat." Grace joked at Ryan as he put an arm around her.

"On that note; I am going inside. Grace, text me when you all get home? Love you all." Mike requested as he walked up on the porch.

"I will. Love you too." Grace yelled back as she got in the front seat and Ryan got in the driver's seat.

When Mike walked back in the house; Charlotte had woke up but Max had her. She was charming her big brother with her smiles and giggles. Things had been a bit stilted with Max after he and Matty had come home. Mike hoped they could get back to normal soon but if they couldn't; he had no one but himself to blame. Hannah was staying the night at the house and she and Polly were looking at flower arrangements for her upcoming wedding.

Mike settled in the recliner and before too long, Tommy and Rebecca were sitting on his lap. Things were almost completely normal since the argument with Rebecca and Tommy was a lot better since Max and Matty had come home. Tommy had fallen asleep but Rebecca was still awake. Mike kissed the top of her head and smiled down at her. She looked exactly like her beautiful mother, other than she had inherited his blue eyes.

"Daddy, can I ask you a question?" Rebecca asked him quietly, so not to wake her brother up.

"Of course." Mike said as he kissed her again.

"Are you mad at me because of what I said to you last week, in my room?" Rebecca said it with a really worried look on her face. She had sit on the arm of the chair and was waiting for Mike's answer.

"Not at all, sweet pea. Not at all. Come here?" Mike raised his arm so that Rebecca could cuddle up. She wrapped her little arms around his torso and put her head on his chest. She seemed satisfied with his answer and had started falling asleep.

Gabby was sitting next to Matty on the couch, where he was helping her with homework, Tommy was on the other end of the couch, still holding Charlotte who was now sound asleep. Polly and Hannah were in the kitchen behind him, talking about wedding details and Grace had texted him that her little family was safely home. It was an absolutely perfect night where Mike was concerned.

 **Okay, this isn't the end; I want to finish it out with Hannah's wedding. So; one more chapter. Hope you all enjoyed. Please review!**


	30. Chapter 30

**Years and Memories**

Chapter 30-5 weeks later

It was Hannah's wedding day and Mike had gotten up early with Charlotte and just couldn't go back to sleep. Hannah had stayed the night with them and Mike had watched her sleep. He remembered having the same emotions on Grace's wedding day but it was a little different with Hannah because in a lot of ways; Hannah and he had a totally different relationship than Grace and he did. Slowly but surely, he was developing a better relationship with his oldest daughter.

There had been a point in his relationship with Hannah that she wouldn't have wanted him to walk her down the aisle. Fortunately, they had fixed things and developed an extremely close father-daughter relationship and a closer friendship. It was something that Mike wanted to replicate with his other kids.

Things had slowly gotten better with Max, mostly because Polly had essentially worked as a middle person to fix things. Max loved his mom and desperately wanted her to be happy and Polly used that to her advantage to push Mike and Max into a closer relationship.

Charlotte was growing so fast that Mike and Polly had moved her into her nursery a week before. Despite having a developmental disability; she was far advanced; already holding her head up with no assistance and rolling from her back to her belly. Once she got rolled over; she was a little like a turtle laying upside down because she hadn't figured out how to roll from her belly to her back. The new pediatrician had no explanation for why Charlotte was so far ahead for only being six weeks old.

Once Mike was convinced that Charlotte was settled for the remainder of the night, and he checked on the rest of his sleeping family, he sit down at the kitchen island with a cup of coffee and his notepad. He wanted to write Hannah a note telling her what he wouldn't be able to hold it together long enough to verbally tell her.

 _"Hannah,_

 _Today is your wedding day and at one point in your life; I would have probably not been invited to your big day, let alone; walking you down the aisle. I thank God every day that you forgave me and we were able to move past all that crap._

 _I have a relationship with you that I would love to have with my other kids. I am your father first but you and I have something that I really don't have with all the others. We have an unbelievable friendship. It is something I would love to replicate with the others but I also love how unique it makes our relationship. Polly and Tom are supposed to be my 'best friends' but you are also on that list, maybe even at the top._

 _There are so many reasons why I am proud to be your father. Your selflessness, your personality, and all the things you do for our family and all the people that you love and even people you don't even know._

 _I have been proud to call you my daughter your entire life; even when I wasn't so good at being your dad. I know that your mom is looking down at you today and every day and is as proud of you as I am. You are so like her and I love that about you. It is a constant sweet reminder and one I need._

 _So, I am giving you away today to Sam but please know, I am not giving you away. Grace told me when I gave her away that you can't give away someone that you'll always have. That goes for you too._

 _I love you more than life itself and always have,_

 _Daddy"_

Mike took the envelope with the letter in it and put it on Hannah's dresser and then walked towards his own room. He'd peeked in and Charlotte had woke herself back up but was watching her mobile. Mike knew it was only a matter of time before the baby let everyone know she was awake and so he picked her up and carried her into their bedroom, not even bothering to put her in the bassinet. Instead he laid back down next to his sleeping wife and let Charlotte lay on his chest, giving him sloppy kisses.

Polly cuddled into his side and Mike wrapped his free arm around her. She was still recovering from a procedure the week before to clean up the mess created from Charlotte's birth. She had had her tubes tied so there would no more babies for her and Mike. They had both agreed it was for the best. Psychologically speaking, it might take both Mike and Polly to get through the trauma but they were getting slowly better. Things were getting better with Max, mostly because Max adored his mother and she wanted things fixed. He wanted to make her happy which meant fixing things with Mike.

Mike cuddled with Charlotte for probably an hour before Polly woke up. As soon as Charlotte saw her mommy looking at her, she gave Polly a massive smile. She loved Mike but Charlotte was a mommy's girl. Charlotte loved skin to skin contact so since they had a half hour before they had to get up, Mike took Charlotte's sleeper off and Polly adjusted her nightgown so that Charlotte could have some 'Mommy time.' It was a calming thing for Charlotte that Polly did at least once a day and Charlotte loved it.

"I love this sleeper on her. It's one of the ones Grace got. The little rosebuds are just so cute. She's growing out of it though. I kind of hate that." Mike said as he held the little brown sleeper with pink rosebuds up. If he had his way, Charlotte would be in that same sleeper all the time.

"Don't worry. I found one the next size up, actually I went ahead and just got the same sleeper for her to wear until she's a year old. I thought the cashier thought I was crazy but I love it too. The dress that Hannah picked out for her today also has little rosebuds on it." Polly told Mike as she kissed the top of Charlotte's head.

"It won't hurt my feelings if Grace and Ryan have a girl. The sleepers can be handed down to her then. How are you feeling?" Mike asked her as he leaned down and kissed Polly.

"Good. Thank you for getting up with her through the night. That helped a lot. You ready for today? You've done this before but this is Hannah. You and her are different then you and Grace." Polly asked as she adjusted Charlotte. The baby was trying to nurse even though she had just had a bottle and Polly wasn't producing any milk.

"I will cry just like I did with Grace. At least I have a few more years before I do this again with Gabby or Rebecca. Charlotte, Mommy's not got any milk for you anymore. Those boobies are all for Daddy now but I'll let you lay on them." Mike told Charlotte with a laugh as he bent down and kissed her cheek. Polly had also let a laugh.

"Don't worry, Charlotte, it's only if Mommy lets Daddy have these boobies. I would be perfectly fine with it just being you. What do you think, baby girl? Should we let Daddy have some fun sometimes?" Polly said it with a teasing tone and winked at Mike. Charlotte gave them a big sigh and a pout. "Not sure if that was a yes or a no. I will take it as a yes…tonight."

"Will you be okay? I don't want to hurt you." Mike asked Polly. He would wait as long as Polly needed because he knew that she had had a lot of medical treatments and there had been a lot of trauma.

"I won't know for sure until we try something. I may have to stop you but I also want this with you. Not sure I will fit into that pink nightgown again though." Polly told Mike quietly and he leaned down and kissed her again.

"I don't care about the nightgown. The last time you wore it, I took it off pretty quickly anyway. You'll lead tonight. Ready to get up? Little Miss thinks she needs to nurse and she just ate a full bottle." Mike asked Polly as he sat up in the bed, ready to take Charlotte.

"Yeah, here, take her so I can adjust." Polly handed Mike the baby, who immediately let her opinion known. Polly quickly put the nightgown back the way it had been and began getting ready for the day. She was serving Hannah and Sam their first communion as a couple, just as she had done with Ryan and Grace.

By noon, all the kids were ready to go to the church. The wedding was at one and Hannah and Polly had been gone, preparing all day. Hannah had apparently read Mike's letter because when she came out for breakfast, she gave Mike a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek.

The younger kids all ran off in different directions and Max and Matty headed for the kitchen in hopes they could talk their Aunt Maggie out of some food. Mike carried Charlotte up the stairs so that he could get dressed and ready. Hannah was forcing him to wear a tuxedo. Polly had it hanging in adjoining Sunday School room, next to the room where they were getting Hannah ready in and she also had a playpen set up for Charlotte. Mike quickly dressed, all while watching Charlotte trying to roll from her belly to her back and getting quite mad at herself. He remembered on Grace's wedding day, Rebecca had only been a few days old, and so it was an odd juxtaposition. Giving away his oldest and then holding his youngest baby. Now, Rebecca wasn't the youngest anymore but the feeling was the same. Polly came in as Mike was trying to tie his bow and button his cufflinks. She immediately started helping him and he admired her light purple dress.

"You look absolutely beautiful. You may just show the bride up." Mike said it as he kissed her, trying not to smudge her makeup.

"Wait until you see her. She is absolutely beautiful. Gabby came in a few minutes ago and said she looked like a porcelain doll. It's actually a pretty accurate description. I always thought Grace was a beautiful bride but I think Hannah just outshined her. There, now she has an equally handsome man walking her down the aisle." Polly told Mike and then grabbed their youngest daughter and walked Mike to the adjoining room. Grace was standing with Hannah, helping her put on the pearl necklace that Christine had worn on her and Mike's wedding day. It was the same one that Grace had worn on her own wedding day and Hannah had worn the day Mike and Polly got married. As soon as Grace saw Mike, she gave him a huge smile. She was almost five months pregnant with twins and looked miserable but happy.

"She is all but ready, Daddy. I know you said I looked so much like Mom on my wedding day but I kind of think Hannah looks even more like her. We'll give you a few moments." Grace told Mike as she finished clipping the necklace. Mike gave her a kiss on the cheek and Grace, Polly and Charlotte left Mike alone with Hannah. She turned around and Mike honestly thought he was looking at Christine, thirty years before.

"God, you are so beautiful. The gown even looks similar to your mom's." Mike said with tears rolling down his cheeks. The dress was eerily similar to Christine's, with a more modern cut.

"Maggie actually made the dress. I couldn't find one that was just right and so I took her a picture of Mom's. We did modernize it slightly but it's essentially the same dress. And the veil is Grace's, earrings belong to Polly and Sasha gave me the clips for my hair. Of course, the necklace is Gram's." Hannah told Mike quietly as she wiped the tears off his cheeks.

"It's gorgeous. You ready for this?" Mike asked Hannah.

"I am. I was just going to ask you the same question though. You look so handsome." Hannah told him as she fixed his collar and put a flower in his button.

"Hmm. You have jokes. Let's do this." Mike told Hannah as he put the veil over Hannah's face and settled her hand on his arm. Ryan had already knocked on the door and the sanctuary was packed with all of Hannah's many friends and students. It struck Mike that a year before she had been fighting cancer and now he was getting to walk her down the aisle.

At the end of the aisle, he gave Sam the same look that he had given Ryan several years before. He lifted Hannah's veil and gave her a kiss on the cheek, feeling every bit as emotional as he had when it had been Grace.

The service was a lot faster paced than Grace's had been, mostly because of the number of people in the crowd with developmental disabilities. Polly had served them communion and there was plenty of humor thrown in.

The traditional first dance for the couple was fast and upbeat and then it was Mike's turn to dance with Hannah. She picked the same song that Grace had used for her dance with Mike at her wedding, a song called "Butterfly Kisses." Mike had the same reaction as he had dancing with Grace.

After, he danced with Polly, Grace, and both Gabby and Rebecca. He finally sit down at one of the reception tables and watched Max dancing with his mom. Mike was holding Charlotte who was sound asleep and he felt Tom sit down next to him.

"Took them long enough to get to this day." Tom said as he watched Hannah and Sam across the room.

"Would you have rather they married right out of high school? I like that they waited. It gave them both a chance to grow up." Mike said with a smile. He and Tom had had the same argument before.

"I guess you're right. Give it a few years though, might be Rebecca and Jed next." Tom pointed towards the two young kids who were still in grade school as he said it. Mike groaned but he was probably right. Rebecca and Jed, when they weren't fighting, they were best of friends. Tom's youngest; Nora and Tommy were also close. Mike was foreseeing more weddings in the future.

"And there's Nora and Tommy. I am really happy to see Ashley here. She loves being in the Peace Corps. It was the right fit for her after she got out of the Navy and who is that British guy?" Mike asked Tom as he watched the oldest Chandler daughter and the plus one she had brought to her brother's wedding.

"His name is Peter. He was a British Marines field combat medic. He's become a doctor since. I actually like him but don't tell Ashley that. He is trying to talk Sam and Hannah to join them in the Peace Corps. They are intrigued." Tom told Mike quietly. Mike and Tom both hated the idea. Sam had plans of joining a small family practice while Hannah taught as a special education teacher.

"I hope not but I can also see where a year or two in the Peace Corps would be great for them. They are both so selfless. As long as they came home quicker than Grace and Ryan did. It isn't fun having a kid across the world." Mike said quietly. The five years that Grace had been with Ryan following him between Italy, Spain and Ireland had been hellish for Mike and he and Grace weren't as close as he and Hannah were.

"Well, Hannah would miss you too much. She loves Sam but you are her best friend. She would be back within a year. You wouldn't like that year much but it's only a matter of time that the kids don't all start moving on. I am shocked that Max got you talked in going on his Tiger Cruise this summer and Polly went along with it." Tom said it with a smile. It had been a bit of an argument but Polly didn't want her sixteen year old son to go alone.

"Guess who the CO and XO are? Greene and Burke. I almost had a heart attack. I never thought those two would make that." Mike told Tom with a laugh.

"It's their first cruise so they will probably have you in the pilot house, helping. Kara Greene has made Admiral. Our big reunion last year should have told you all this." Tom told Mike.

"I was a little preoccupied. We had just been given Charlotte's diagnosis. We should do that yearly though. The reunions?" Mike said it with a look to Tom. He had actually been thinking about it since the year before.

"I was thinking the same thing. It was a good time." Tom told Mike as he stood up. The crowd was clearing out and clean up was beginning.

"You clean. I am just going to sit here, holding this sweet baby girl." Mike told Tom with a laugh. Charlotte was sound asleep and Mike didn't mind in the least.

"Well, that sweet baby girl is drooling all over your tux. Besides, remember who the CO was during our time? Me? And it's you giving orders? How'd that happen?" Tom was joking and Mike knew it. Today, they were just simply celebrating their kid's big day. Tom walked away and Mike concentrated on the way Charlotte was blowing bubbles with her drool in her sleep. All of his kids had done that and Mike found it fascinating. As he was watching her, Hannah came up beside him and shook his knee with her hand.

"Hey, Daddy. Sam and I are getting ready to leave. I just wanted to stop by and give you a hug and kiss. Tell you how much I love you. I loved your letter this morning. I do want to say something about it though; you said you liked how our friendship made our relationship so unique? I think you need to strive to have the exact same relationship with all of the kids. It's what makes you so unique. You are our dad first and foremost but I personally love having you as a friend. I know the other kids would love it too." Hannah said it and then reached over and kissed Mike on the cheek and gave Charlotte a kiss on the forehead.

"I've been thinking the same thing. I love you too, Sissy. More than you could ever imagine. So, how serious are you and Sam about this Peace Corps thing?" Mike asked Hannah quietly.

"Pretty serious. I spoke with Principal Hayes and he thinks it's a good thing to have on my resume, not that I plan on quitting. It will be in the Sudan with Ashley and her…whatever he is. They need doctors and teachers. The school is giving me a year off to do this." Hannah told Mike with a slight tone of sadness.

"God, I am going to hate this but I can see you doing this. It'll be good for both of you. Sending Grace to Spain was rough but this will be hell. Sudan. When do you leave?" Mike hated asking and Hannah gave an even sadder look.

"Dad, this is goodbye. We leave tomorrow. It all happened really fast and it was when we could get the approval. I didn't know for sure until this morning. I've talked to everyone but I knew you would be the hardest to say goodbye to. Ashley tells me I might be able to get occasional calls out and you will be my only call. Letters are the best mode of communication but it will take weeks. Daddy, I really want to do this. I know this is hurting you. I spoke with Doc and he is positive I will be fine. I just had a good checkup and I as soon as I get back, I'll have another. Please." Hannah said it with a begging sound.

"You're an adult. A married woman. I don't need to give you permission. You have my blessing and I will count down every second of every day until you get home. I will ask for one more thing." Mike said as he stood up and passed Charlotte over to Polly who had walked up.

"Anything." Hannah was wiping tears as she said it and Mike was near tears.

"One more hug before you go and a promise. You HAVE to come back safe and sound when it's time." Mike said as he pulled Hannah into a tight hug. He didn't care about wrinkling his tuxedo or her dress at that point.

"I will, Daddy. I will." Hannah told him as she leaned her forehead against his. She finally pulled away because it was time to go. "Daddy, I will be back. And I will write as soon as I can. Take care of yourself."

She finally walked away and when Mike looked across the room he saw Sam and Tom hugging. Polly gave him a soft smile and wiped the tears off his cheeks with her free hand. Charlotte was awake and gave him a pout. It was pretty much exactly how he felt. He watched Hannah and Sam walk out of the gym and his heart was broken, much as it had been when Grace and Ryan left his house on the way to Spain. He would be counting the days until he could hold her again.

 **Okay, done! It kind of went in a direction I wasn't anticipating. I obviously left it open for a reason. I WILL pick it up again. Please review and enjoy!**


End file.
